[homophobia.and.the.family] Provided by: GLSTN 122 West 26th Street, Suite 1100 New York, NY 10001 USA Tel: (212) 727-0135 Email: glstn@glstn.org Web: http://www.glstn.org/respect/ HOMOPHOBIA'S IMPACT ON FAMILY by Warren J. Blumenfeld and Laurie Lindop Young people are coming out of a closet of denial and fear at younger ages than ever before, due in large part to the support systems developed for and by them over years. The coming out experience for many young people involves an interactive process between the individual and her or his environment, beginning often with a general awareness of being somehow different, through denial, tolerance, acceptance, and, in many cases, to identity integration. As the young person tells others of their emerging sexual identity, parents, other family members, and peers often enter a "coming to terms" process of their own. Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbians and Gay (P-FLAG), a national support network, has identified a stage model for this process. It must be emphasized, however, that this model depicts general patterns which are not true in every instance: 1. SHOCK: Sometimes this is the initial reaction, lasting anywhere from a few minutes to a few weeks. 2. DENIAL: This is a reaction people do to protect themselves against something painful or frightening and may be brief or last for a long time. 3. GUILT: Since some parents believe homosexuality or bisexuality is a problem, they may at some point blame themselves and may even ask themselves or others "What did I do wrong?" 4. FEELINGS EXPRESSED: At some point, feelings may be expressed, including, at times, feelings of anger or hurt. The fact that the parent, other family member, or friend is expressing feelings openly, means they are, in some sense, agreeing to stay in relationship to the person coming out. 5. PERSONAL DECISION MAKING: Emotions will slow down with a degree of rationality returning. The parent, other family member, or friend may enter a period of retreat to consider this new information and to deal with their options. Several kinds of decisions are typical: * Constant conflict with all issues about the person coming out viewed as related to sexual orientation, * Continue to love and care about the person coming out while making it clear they would rather not discuss the topic of sexual orientation any further, * Continue to love and care about the person coming out, and learn how to be actively supportive. 6. TRUE ACCEPTANCE: As the above suggests some parents, other family members and friends will get to the stage of continuing to love and care about the person coming out, and understand that person's uniqueness includes her or his sexual identity. People at this stage sometimes speak out against the oppression lesbian, gay, and bisexual people face. THE FOLLOWING PERSONAL TESTIMONY DEMONSTRATES ASPECTS OF THIS STAGE MODEL IN ACTION: The Bayne family struggle began nine years ago when our son was a 17-year old entering his senior year in high school. We live in a western suburb of Boston, a town of high-tech oriented middle-class people who are basically caring human beings. Our school system is well respected both academically and athletically. Our personal struggle is not one of violent deeds and nasty slurs -- or commission. It is rather a story of misinformation, of fear, of silence -- of omission. Our son Joe chose a summer evening to level with us, his parents. He had been going to Boston on Wednesday nights for several weeks, and this particular Wednesday he had called at 11:00 to say he had missed the last train to Acton. As we drove into Boston to pick him up, we had a sense of foreboding. What would cause our sheltered and thoughtful son to behave this way, to ask to be picked up on a street corner? He got in the back seat and after a few minutes of silence came the words: "Mom and dad, I can't lie to you anymore. I'm gay. I've been going to BAGLY (Boston Alliance of Gay and Lesbian Youth) meetings." Those words will be etched in our minds forever. At first we wondered if he really knew what he was saying. When he quickly convinced us he did know, we began to ask ourselves the guilt-based question, "What did we do wrong?" After all, our Italian-American and Irish-American families were saturated with Roman Catholic doctrine and the cultural imperative of normality. Clearly we had failed and he was somehow defective. Eventually, other more constructive feelings began to dominate our thinking. First, the bottom line: "We love him and we won't allow anything to get in the way of our relationship with him." Then: "What tremendous courage it took for him to trust us that much, to risk rejection by his own parents. We are very proud of him." And finally: "He is still the same person he was before he told us -- shy, sensitive, funny, obsessed with justice and computer games, a good cook, appreciative of his three sisters. Homosexuality is just one aspect of what he is." We spent several months in therapy, but did not, during his senior year, reach the level of acceptance and courage which would have allowed us to help him speak out for himself, or to speak out for him. For, as gays and lesbians know all too well, when they come out of the closet, their parents go in. We experience the same feelings our children have experienced: the utter confusion over what homosexuality means, the fear of not fitting into a very uniform society, the fear of rejection by our parents and relatives and friends, even the fear of physical harm, and, of course, AIDS. We also come to know our own particular pain: the disappointment of believing we will not have grandchildren by that child. I believe this is especially acute where the child is the only male child and carries his father's and grandfather's name -- as was the case for us. We began, perhaps worst of all, to live the lie. This is the extremely stressful experience of monitoring everything you say lest you reveal what cannot be revealed and then lying to hide that truth. What do you say, for instance, when his sisters want to know why he is allowed to go to Boston on a school night and they aren't? When doting grandmothers ask, "Is Joe seeing any girls?" Or, "Who is he taking to the prom?" You run through your mental list of who knows what, and what story you've told whom, hoping not to contradict yourself. Lying breeds self-loathing, so you begin to avoid those to whom you must lie. They, in turn, wonder why the closeness is gone from the relationship. It took Joe another three years to tell his sisters, one by one, and in that interval, walls began to go up. His youngest sister, with whom he was very close, felt shut out, but didn't know why. We still live with the fear that my brother will find out that Joe is gay and forbid him to come near his three young sons, thus destroying several relationships, including my own with my brother. I still cry when my parents send him letters saying they wish they knew him better, because I know they never will. As Joe entered his senior year, we began the long process of self-education. We learned, for instance, that Joe had known since he was in elementary school that he was different, but he couldn't put a name on that difference. It was in junior high that he was able to identify that difference, and for another five years he lived alone with it! In his last year, after telling us, he chose two close female friends to confide in. As a parent, I will be forever grateful to those young women for their immediate acceptance. He found he was particularly afraid to confide in his male friends. He was sure they would be repelled and disgusted, wondering if they were objects of his sexual feelings. He truly believed that he was the only homosexual in a school of 1400 students. No staff member was "out," no teacher could show recognition of his visible pain, no friend could speak for him. He carried this burden at a time in his life when his classmates were worrying over whether their choice of sneakers would make them unpopular. I discovered PFLAG and turned to it for solace and education. The stories I have heard there lead me to believe that we were lucky. I learned that many young gays and lesbians cannot take the risk of self-revelation until much later in their lives, until they are emotionally and financially independent. Consequently, they suffer the lie for years longer; many insulate themselves from the pain by moving far away and communicating infrequently with their families. Some marry and have children, only to find at some point they can no longer repress their feelings. They come to PFLAG meetings, gray streaks in their hair, studying the reactions of other parents to them, hoping to find the courage at last... Parents who cannot accept their own children struggle to reach understanding by listening to other parents' children. --Sandra Bayne To The Governor's Commission On Gay And Lesbian Youth THE FOLLOWING TESTIMONY OF THE HETEROSEXUAL SON OF A GAY FATHER DEMONSTRATES THE PROCESS A CHILD GOES THROUGH WHEN A PARENT REVEALS HIS OR HER SEXUAL ORIENTATION: It was an ordinary high school day in my life, so I thought.... I returned home from school at seven... after a heart-breaking j.v. baseball loss to a neighboring high school. I entered through the side door in a depressed mood with my heavily soiled uniform still on. Although I was already unhappy, I could immediately sense that there was something wrong when I walked through the door -- something more important than today's defeat. As I walked through the kitchen, the house seemed dead. I turned the corner and I saw our housekeeper with tears streaming down her face. I made an effort to walk over and comfort her when my dad came downstairs and asked to talk with me. Only on the rarest of occasions did my dad ask to talk to me right when I walked in the door from school. Something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong. My dad and I were sitting on the foot of my bed. In the evening he usually looked relaxed and happy to be home after a long day at the office. This particular evening was different. He looked frustrated and worried, drained from a tedious situation. I was scared, afraid of the unknown afraid to find out what the unknown was. But, I was about to hear. "Son," my dad said in a choking manner, "your mother served me with divorce papers this morning." My mind was flooded with so many thoughts and concerns that I got a headache. I had so many questions. Where would I live? Why did my mom desert us? How could she break up our family? What would it be like to live with only one parent? How did my sister react? I was scared to lose the stability that I acquired from living in a 'traditional' family. For once, the future didn't seem so secure. Life as I knew it could come to a screeching end. What was most amazing about that day was that the news of the divorce was only a set up for the knock-out punch. All my questions were about to be answered. My dad's facial expression swiftly changed from one of confusion to pure confidence. He needed a deep breath to serve me with the next bit of information. I was ready, or so I thought. I didn't expect the following news to be as dramatic as it would be. "There has been something that I have tried to ignore for the past 30 years. As much as I wanted to have a family and lead the traditional life, I haven't been true to myself. I'm gay and have had those feelings for as long as I can remember." Talk about being hit by a Mack truck and thrown across the highway. I had never been more shocked. My mouth nearly fell to the ground as I could only stare at my father with a blank expression on my face. Once I gathered myself and realized that I wasn't dreaming, I proceeded to tell my dad that I would always support him under any circumstances. I was amazed that any words came out of my mouth. It didn't feel as if I was controlling what I was saying. It was more of a reflex. He hugged me and told me how much my support meant to him. You could tell that the embrace meant a lot to him just by the love in his arms. However, it was a very empty hug for me. I still hadn't resolved my feelings. I would need some time to myself. Still in my uniform, I told my dad that I needed to get out of my dirty clothes and shower. He left the room, closing the door behind him, and allowed me to have some time to think. I can remember standing under the shower head with water running down my body while repeating to myself "How could things get any worse?" I was drained by the day's events, the game, which now seemed so unimportant, and the shocking news that was of utmost importance. My exhaustion made it hard for me to keep my balance in the shower. It would be impossible for my entire thought process to take place during my shower. I knew that it would probably take months, years, maybe even the rest of my life to resolve this new circumstance. However, I quickly came to the realization that I should support my father in the same manner that I would expect him to support me. No one should allow an undesirable situation in his or her life to continue existing if it stops them from being happy. That's how I felt about my dad. Unfortunately, the divorce wouldn't allow me to continue being part of a traditional American family, and that irritated me a great deal, ultimately leaving me with a feeling of emptiness. The next few months presented me with an array of new and challenging situations. Having to deal with my father moving out of the house was the first challenge. The news of his sexual orientation didn't change our friendship, oddly enough. I found myself able to respect him more for being true to himself. The only thing that mattered is that he did what he needed to do to be happy. He seemed rejuvenated, and I was pleased for him. The most difficult thing was having to call him up to talk to him rather than walking across the hallway of our house. My second challenge was talking about my parent's divorce with my friends. Throughout high school I have always had a group of friends that I felt I could talk to about anything. However, when this new an vastly different situation entered my life, I was extremely hesitant to tell a soul. I didn't know how. It took me eight months to tell anyone, until I finally confided in my newest and least attached friend, Evan. He had told me a few weeks earlier that his brother came out of the closet while in college. Evan was very open about the entire situation, telling me how much it affected him, and I felt he would be the best person to tell. After telling him, I told my best friend a few weeks later, and then I slowly told the rest of my close friends in the coming months. I was pleasantly surprised by their support. I almost felt stupid for not telling them earlier. Before I left for college, it was important for me to not only sit down and talk with my dad, but also with my mom and sister. I found out some interesting things from my mom when we went out to brunch together one Sunday. I learned that the reason she wasn't at home when she served my dad with divorce papers was because she was advised by her lawyer to leave town. My immediate reaction had been that her actions were cold and insensitive. I came to respect my mom when she returned home after hearing that my sister was emotionally overwhelmed and needed my mom by her side. She also told me that when she caught my dad having an affair seven years ago, that she gave him an ultimatum -- your family or your homosexual lifestyle. He chose his family temporarily, until it was impossible to lie to himself any longer. My sister took the divorce and following news the hardest. At the vulnerable age of 15, it's no wonder she had such a difficult time accepting all these changes. My parent's separation marked the first time that my sister and I had something meaningful to talk about. This was the first time that I felt she looked up to me for guidance. I did my best to support her, and I think I made a difference. My relationship with my sister would only strengthen in the coming months as I wanted to help her accept reality. My efforts to learn more about what was going on in the heads of my family members served to provide me with an 'inner peace' about the new changes in my life. Presently my mom and dad are living with their 'significant others' and are in serious relationship. Ironically, from the start, I got along with my dad's boyfriend much better than with my mom's boyfriend. As we stand now, I have good friendships with both of them as a result of a lot of hard work and determination on all of our parts. I admittedly have their pictures on the wall in my dorm room and correspond with them frequently. It has never been easy dealing with these new changes, but I think I have done my best at facing the new realities in my life. Although I have done my best to accept and understand this new situation, it is somewhat of a relief to be 3,000 miles away from home -- away from all of the chaos. -- Eric Goldman, from a term paper at Tufts University CONTACT INFORMATION: Warren J. Blumenfeld PO Box 929 Northampton, MA 01061 Tel: (413) 585-9121 Fax: (413) 584-1332 E-Mail: blumenfeld@educ.umass.edu .................................................................. This document is one of the many practical resources available online from GLSTN's web site at http://www.glstn.org/respect/. The Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Teachers Network (GLSTN) is the largest organization of parents, educators, students and other concerned citizens working to end homophobia in K-12 schools and to ensure that all students are valued and respected, regardless of sexual orientation. To fulfill its mission and to raise awareness of these issues, GLSTN produces audio, visual and text-based educational materials, provides training, produces community programming and conferences, and organizes a growing national network of over 40 regional chapters. Membership in GLSTN is open to anyone -- regardless of their occupation or sexual orientation -- who is committed to seeing that the current generation is the last to suffer from homophobia. More than 70% of our budget is funded by individual donations and we need your support to continue to make resources such as this available. GLSTN is a 501(c)(3) non-profit corporation and all donations are fully tax-deductible to the extent allowed by law. GLSTN 122 West 26th Street, Suite 1100 New York, NY 10001 USA Tel: (212) 727-0135 Email: glstn@glstn.org Web: http://www.glstn.org/respect/ (c) 1994-1996, Gay, Lesbian & Straight Teachers Network (GLSTN) .................................................................. 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