From: "Our World magazine" <editor@ourworld.lugansk.ua>
Date: Tue, 25 Nov 97 22:55:32 +0300
Subject: Our World No 2 (gay magazine)(Ukraine)

Dear friends!

We send you some articles from Our World magazine, which is
issued in Ukraine. It is information and educational edition
aspiring to make more social active gays and lesbians and
improve the attitudes of the society to homosexuality and
homosexuals in Ukraine.

You will find here translation of several articles from the 2nd
number (dated September 1997; the magazine is published
quarterly), which can give you the idea about the life of
homosexuals in Ukraine.

Except the articles, submitted to you, in the second number we
have wrote to the Ukrainian readers about: the sight on
homosexuality from the point of view of science (social relations
in gay environment; style of life of homosexuals; problem of
homophobia; coming out); the situation in the questions of gay
families, age of the consent in the different countries of Europe;
reasons "for" and "against" concerning homosexual marriage; the
information from abroad about the struggle of gay-people for
their human rights, their victories and failures; gay-prides in the
world; the book "Short lesbian prose" which was issued in
Russia; history of films of homosexual subjects; bibliography of
Ukrainian and Russian gay press, etc.

Below you can read the following articles:

1. Editorial article
2. Information kaleidoscope: motherland
3. Europe: gays on the continental march (fragment)
4. Ukrainian "Ganimed": yesterday, today, tomorrow
5. About music and right to be yourself
6. In a movement - life! (personal life story)
7. Important gay addresses in Ukraine and Russia
=================================

Gratitude to: The Royal Netherlands Embassy in Kiev, Andrei
Kravchuk (Lugansk), Alexandr Bogoley (Kiev), Bonnie Rhodes
(USA), Rex Wockner, International News (USA)

We shall be very grateful to you for the information and financial
help.

Our postal address: Andrei Maimulakhin, PO Box 62, 348051,
Lugansk, UKRAINE
Our e-mail: editor@ourworld.lugansk.ua
Our telephone/fax: + 038 (0642) 47-94-22

Editor: Andrei Maimulakhin

Sincerely,

Our World magazine
=================================

1. EDITORIAL ARTICLE

As we commented in our premier issue, the most important part
of "Information and Education on the Matter of Homosexuality as
the Aspect of Democratization of the Society" in the Ukraine is to
make "OUR WORLD" as accessible as possible. To accomplish
this, we distributed the magazine free-of-charge to libraries, the
mass media, and gay/lesbian groups. Looking at the results of
this method of distribution, we have arrived at the following
conclusions:

Regional universal scientific libraries (popular libraries) have
shown a surprising interest for a first issue for the beginning on
our point of view (of 25 have subscribed five: Zakarpatye,
Lugansk, Poltava, Kherson, Chernovtsy). We were confirmed
that the magazine is being made available to their readers.

Unfortunately there are not enough positive answers from
libraries of pedagogical and medical universities, and regional
libraries for youth.

It is necessary for future teachers and medical workers to
understand all displays of human essence, where sexuality, most
likely, is a fundamental aspect. We also hope, that libraries for
youth will be more open to the information about sexuality
(homosexuality, in particular). Juveniles are realizing who they
are as a person, thus attaining knowledge with regard to that.
When one takes into account the absence of qualitative sexual
education in our country, and the information chaos and bias just
with regard to the theme of homosexuality in popular channels of
information, to give young latent homosexuals (whom early or
late still will become gays and lesbians!) material in a serious and
age-appropriate form would help them to pass through the
process of acceptance of their sexual orientation and social
adaptation less painfully.

Alas, for today national libraries, university libraries, and regional
medical facilities have not displayed interest in our journal.

We have reached 7% of the libraries we premiered. Our World
will continue to do all that is possible to further promote Our
World in "temples of science". However, for more rational use of
our resources we will be correcting our distribution list.

The magazine has appeared absolutely unclaimed by the mass
media. From the 81 media firms that received the premier issue,
only one has responded, the "Ukraine young". However, from
what we can see, no domestic newspapers or magazines,
national or local, would prevent including our information in their
data bank, alas, which could provide basic knowledge to many
journalists.

Also we are not yet satisfied with our distribution results in the
gay environment. Our World struggles with the difficulty of
learning the addresses of existing groups and working activists.
We plan to expand this list in the future.

It pleases us that the magazine in some cases had dispersed in
absolutely unpredictable ways. As we were told, it "went on
hands" on brewery No 1 of Kiev!
=================================

2. INFORMATION KALEIDOSCOPE: MOTHERLAND

Dateline September 8, 1997.


MILITIA (POLICE) RAID ON GAY CLUB

On July 25 armed members of ONON (the Department on illegal
drug possession and sale) rushed in the Moscow gay club
"Chance" and brutally beat the patrons. Approximately 40
persons were arrested. Eyewitnesses state that the majority of
the patrons' faces were bloodied. Attempts to clean off the blood
with a handkerchief were punished by kicking or beating.

The militia has declared that it was searching for drugs and that
these people were under the influence of narcotic substances. In
the station the militia tried to compel those arrested to sign pre-
written papers with false drug test results, and then the club
patrons were detained from six to eight hours without charges
being placed. During detention they were constantly exposed to
insults on the part of militia, such as "Let's crush drug addict
fags! ("Komsomolskaya Pravda" newspaper, August 22, 1997).

No drugs were found, and some of the patrons the next day hired
an independent expert appraisal, which did not reveal the
presence of narcotics in their blood. "The irony of this situation is
that this night in Chance... completely officially passed... the anti-
drug action, to which almost all Moscow beau-mond was invited",
notices "Komsomolskaya Pravda".

The management of ONON has declared that the raid on club
had positive moments, for example "some information was
assembled which can be used for operative work in the future."

On behalf of the Russian gay community, Pavel Chaplin, the
directors of club "Chance", and Evgenia Debryanskaya, the
leader of the Moscow lesbian organization appealed to the world
for support, with direction regarding lodging a protest to the
Moscow Procurator, chief of Moscow militia, and Ministry of
internal affairs. Their letter states that this action was the part of
"cleaning measures" that are carried out before celebrating
Moscow's 850th anniversary, "when everyone who is different
from what is considered normal is included in a category of
people subject to removal from the city. Homosexuals, certainly,
get in this group."

Other media has commented about the conflicts between the
factory "Sickle and Hammer" - formerly owned by the Palace of
Culture, and in which "Chance" is situated, and the present
management of the Palace of Culture, which has shared the
enterprise and receives income from its activity.


"ONE OF US" "FROM HANDS IN HANDS"

At the end of spring - beginning of summer the editorial staff of
"One of Us" magazine and the Civil Human Rights Protection
Committee (address: PO Box 73, 252006, Kiev) carried out the
joint project "From hands in hands". It consisted of free-of-charge
distribution of copies of "One of Us" magazine in gay groups
around Ukraine, where it could not be obtained through news
stands, and also to groups in Byelorussia and Moldova.

In the accompanying letter, in particular, was written: "This free
issue of the magazine is aimed at informing a wider circle of
homosexuals in regional areas. We address gay activists
throughout the Ukraine. We ask you to share these two copies
among your circle of friends so that more gays could find
contacts among themselves."

According to one of the chiefs of the project, 500 packages with
2 copies of the magazine in each were dispatched. Based on
thier results it was possible to determine more than 43 informal
actively existing groups all over Ukraine and about 8 - 12
possible gay centers to open in the future. "This project, together
with "One of Us" magazine and its regular issues, promotes a
more active formation of an active gay environment, which in the
near future can be perceived as a unified organization. Though
begun as an acquaintances service, as a result of it there are
new contacts between the closed groups of our gay community."
To date, the fourth issue of "One of Us" magazine is currently
available.


"HE" AND "ONE OF US" DISPERSED

At the end of summer the Demetrios agency, which issued "One
of Us" magazine, and the founder of "One of Us" magazine,
Alexander Fesenko and chief editor Leonid Nefedovich, had
broken off relations. As we were informed, Demetrios agency
plans to issue its own magazine "of man's aesthetics" - "He". "It
will be a copy of the former edition", the former address also will
be kept.

The chief editor of "One of Us" magazine has stated that his
edition will continue to be published, but by another publisher. Its
upcoming fifth issue will be delayed, since according to
Nefedovich "all materials are blocked in the agency". "The
concept of the magazine remains unchanged, however probably
its design will be changed a little".


GAY-ALMANAC IS ISSUED IN UKRAINE

In the Chernovtsy area the gay literature-art almanac "He" was
distributed. The isue consists of readers' letters, with a subtitle
"Shout of soul", verses, and stories. It is illustrated by black-and-
white figures by a staff artist. The almanac is issued in Russian
with a circulation of 50 copies. The imprint states that it "is
dispatched to agencies, service organizations of social and
psychological assistance, libraries free-of-charge". Private
persons are offered to buy it at the price of about five dollars
(US). As the editor of the edition has stated, "if it works, I plan to
issue the almanac quarterly. Volume depends on materials,
circulation on the readers". The almanac is produced by a
publishing house whose policies state "each manuscript has the
right on the publication".


"GAY ROSE" HAS SUFFERED

The free acquaintances service for gays "Gay Rose", working as
the private initiative since this past spring, temporarily has
stopped the service. On August 26, 1997 the regional court of
Lugansk sentenced Roman Z. to two years of corrective work. It
was the punishment for use of xerographed postage stamps in
correspondence. He and one other person were brought to
charges of criminal liability on item 153 (forgery of postal stamps)
and item 87 (drawing material prejudiced to the state).

In conversation with the editor of "Our World" magazine, Roman
has noted "bright homophobia" among militiamen of the Lugansk
municipal department of internal affairs, who made the inquiry on
this occasion. During interrogations he was asked questions
about addresses of gays and lesbians known to him. Therefore
he believes the militia collects files on homosexuals and
continues to rank them as a "risk group". He also has stated that
privacy of correspondence has suffered, since after the institution
of the criminal case many letters, in his opinion, began to be
delivered with obvious traces of opening, and some did not reach
their destinations at all. At the end of the conversation Roman
declared "it was as if we were under a cap, and are".


TEENAGER WHO RAPED BOYS IS CONDEMNED

In July 1997 the regional court of Kiev put a fourteen-year-old
teenager on probation for 18 months. The criminal proceedings
began October 2, 1996 by the Procurator of the Minsk region of
capital under the article about malicious hooliganism,
accomplished by sodomy under the Criminal Code of Ukraine.

The condemned schoolboy of the 214th school sometimes raped
brothers of the first and fifth classes on the garret, in a toilet and
at other school premises. The "Kievskie Vedomosti" newspaper
states the "father of the violator... a former municipal deputy, now
chief of a private company - did everything possible to pull out his
son".

International right-protectors feel that the criminal case was
conducted with legal infringements - because of the age
qualification the minor cannot be condemned under article 122 of
the Criminal Code for violate sodomy. Just it, in their opinion, has
helped actually to justify the teenage violator. The vice-minister
of justice Nikolai Handurin in confirming this, also has noted, that
"today's verdict has made probation punishment, further
changing sodomy with regard to small hooliganism - often tried in
Ukrainian legal proceedings." In the court the young child victims'
mother have not confirmed intent to appeal against the verdict. In
the Kiev area over the last 6 months, nine cases under the 122th
article were tried, however only in two cases violators were
condemned.
=================================

3. EUROPE: GAYS ON THE CONTINENTAL MARCH (fragment)

In the new Russian Criminal Code which came into operation on
January 1 of this year, questions concerning sexual problematic
are covered wider in comparison with previous CC. It was
entered the article punishing for violent lesbianism (in particular
in previous Criminal Code the term "lesbianism" wasn't
mentioned in general); the age of the consent was lowed up to
16 years old as for homo- and for heterosexual relations.
=================================

4. UKRAINIAN "GANIMED": YESTERDAY, TODAY,
TOMORROW

All-Ukrainian Association "Ganimed" began to count the history
since 1993, when in Kiev pedagogical institute the first initiative
conference was held. There presented about 60 persons from
various regions of Ukraine as well as representatives of the state
AntiAIDS organizations. For two days of work the participants of
a conference have listened to the reports of the workers of
medicine, talked about problems of gays and lesbians in regions,
accepted the project of the Charter, selected the coordinators for
preparation of a Constituent Congress and, at last, have given a
name to organization. There was decided not to include in the
name words "gays" and "lesbians" and to blur a thematic
orientation by taking from a mithology a name of a lover of Zeus
the beautiful youth Ganimed (though in this occasion " the
lesbians had been taken an offense, but they were asked to bear
it" - the record from a participant's diary).

By the words of the same participant of the conference, the first
day of its work reminded very much a Komsomol (Young
Communist League) meeting, where the representatives of
medical organizations carried out the role of the Party and the
others - youth from regions. The second day was already less
official, and the delegates, tired after sleepless night, continued
acquaintances and looked through the foreign porno magazines
right in session hall. On his opinion then in Kiev have been
gathered the rather different people, many of whom were not
active workers of the movement.

It was supposed that the Association will exist on member
payments and also on the donations, in particular, that it will
render the material help of "Dva koliory" ("Two colors") - a
commercial organization, having called itself an individual
initiative of homosexuals of Ukraine. For example, "Dva koliory"
have paid rent of a place for realization of the Constituent
Congress. Let's note also that by the words of one of the
observers, just this organization represented of Ukrainian gays
abroad.

In July of the same year in the building of Republican
Planetarium the Constituent Congress of All-Ukrainian
Association "Ganimed" has passed. For registration of
organization with the All-Ukrainian status there were assembled
the protocols of meetings of groups from 18 regions. However,
according to some data, not all signatures in them had appeared
genuine. For example, we know that on the protocol from
Lugansk Region only three from ten signatures were real.

The delegates of the Constituent Congress have accepted the
Charter of organization. Comparing its primary project, submitted
to a 1st initiative conference and the current Charter, we should
note striking differences. In the first variant of the project the
organization was called "Association of lesbians and gays of
Ukraine " and was characterized as "public right-protecting
organization, which overall goal is the achievement of equal
opportunities for self-expression of all the people, irrespectively
of their sexual orientation". In the project of the Charter, the
activity of organization was focused on studying of problems of
homosexualism; changing of public opinion concerning the
people of homosexual orientation; struggle against prejudices in
a life; social and psychological adaptation of gays and lesbians.
Also it paid attention to a problem of AIDS. In the actual Charter
of organization the right-defensive activity is practically
completely lost, the words "gays" and "lesbians" are not
mentioned at all, and AIDS has passed on the first place.

The association "Ganimed" was registered in Ministry of Justice
on May 13, 1994. In the registration certificate in the column
"Basic purpose of activity" there is written: "a help for health
institutions and cultural establishments for realization of an
effective propagation of healthy lifestyle among groups of risk
directed on the prevention of AIDS and other diseases,
protection of lawful social, economic and other common
interests".

In registration the large help was rendered by National
Committee on Contest to Disease of AIDS, in particular there has
been given the legal address for new organization. Analyzing this
information as well as that problem of AIDS in the program of
Association was given much more place in comparison with
struggle for the social rights for homosexuals, and the political
activity was at all forbidden by the Charter, we come to a
conclusion that the creation of "Ganimed" has become on benefit
first of all to official medical structures ("work with group of risk"),
and has not brought necessary joining of gays and lesbians in
Ukraine as it was mentioned in the beginning. It confirms also by
the fact that the constituent materials, which were necessary for
registration of divisions of the organization in regions, were
dispatched in a local AIDS-centers, instead of gay leaders. Our
question - why it was made just so - has answered by L.
Taranenko, one of two co-chairpersons of "Ganimed": "The
leaders should have communicated with AIDS-centers". She also
has emphasized, that on that moment it was only possible way to
create the organization - "through AIDS. No other way we would
have been recognized. AntiAIDS organizations have a great
weight and they cannot be thrown away".

Now, seeing a situation after three years, it is possible
unequivocally to declare that such roll has not justified at all
itself. Gays did not come to cooperation with medical
organizations, the documents for registration have remained
dusting in the AIDS-centers. For this time only the Kiev Branch of
the Association was registered (in 1996), i.e. the organization
has not confirmed the status All-Ukrainian.

Practically from the very beginning there were disagreements in
a managing body of organization. As far as we have understood
a situation, the obvious reasons were various interpretation of
the purposes and tasks. In 1994 L. Taranenko gave an interview
to "Interesnaya Gazeta" ("Interesting Newspaper") and to
"Rabochaya Gazeta" ("Workers Newspaper"), in which there was
told that the activity of "Ganimed" is accented at work with sexual
minority, by that added oil in fire. Other member of Coordination
Council Inna Smolnikova, for example, in interview to the same
"Rabochaya Gazeta" tells: "The work with the people of
untraditional sexual orientation - a very small part of that huge
activity on preventive maintenance of AIDS and other dangerous
diseases which our association is carrying out". As a result of
these disagreements in the beginning of 1995 7 of 9 members of
Coordination Council have submitted to a resignation. For today
in a management of "Ganimed" have remained only two co-
chairpersons.

The following impact to prestige of the organization has put a
failure of IX Regional Conferences of International Association of
Gays and Lesbians (ILGA) for the countries of East, Central and
South-East Europe, which passed in Kiev in May, 1995. It is one
of the large dark spots in the history of the development of a gay
movement in Ukraine.

Under the information from ILGA, about ten thousand dollars -
part of those intended for realization of the conference - were
stolen by the organizers from the Ukrainian party. On words of
Ms. Taranenko, "Ganimed", though took part in organization of a
conference, however "had not any relation to money". However
we, from our side, would like to emphasize that we do not
undertake to affirm anything unequivocally in this question, taking
into account that we did not see the financial documents of the
conference.

The fact is that a failure of this measure has extremely negatively
affected the attitude of world gay community to Ukraine as a
whole, has deprived "Ganimed" opportunities to conduct work
contacts "with related organizations both abroad and in Ukraine"
(L. Taranenko, "Odyn z nas" ("One of Us" gay magazine), No. 2).
"After the conference's failure even the AntiAIDS bodies in
Ukraine had problems in international scale" - tells Ms.
Taranenko.

Nevertheless for today there continues to work a Kiev cell of
"Ganimed". On words its chief Lilia Taranenko, 47 persons are
members of this organization. She told us about the strategic
plans, which consistently cover some spheres of activity. On the
first place there was a creation of a medical center consisting of
the experts (psychologist, dermatovenerologist, urologist, etc.),
who cooperate with "Ganimed" and free-of-charge serve its
members. A help is rendered also to other people, addressed to
the Kiev cell from various regions of Ukraine. For example, on
reception to the psychologist each week come about two
persons.

The second business was sphere of entertainment for gays. In
the spring of this year "Ganimed" has concluded the contract with
Kiev joint-stock company "Hydropark" about creation on the
basis of its "Green Theater" a club "Illusion". Under our
information, confirmed by the various people, at a cinema of this
club there show films which are usually called pornographic.
However, two checks of the 6th Department of Security Service
of Ukraine, having been carried out for last couple of months,
have not revealed any infringements. Daytime sessions
(entrance ticket costs 3 grivnas (close to USD 1.5) and for the
members "Ganimed" - free) - films of heterosexual subjects,
evening - homosexual (on words the film-mechanic mostly
French director J.-D. Cadino); before film there is always shown
a block of AntiAIDS propagation. This cinema hall used to work
before the relations between "Hydropark" and "Ganimed" were
made out. On words of the film-mechanic, the contract has
appeared mutually beneficial and "it has accepted the more
civilized forms ". He also has told that on gay sessions usually
come from five up to ten persons and, as a rule, permanent
public; any incidents during work of a cinema hall did not occur.

Besides above said, "Ganimed" "has killed also a second bird" by
having an opportunity to use a hall of "Green theater" on 80
places in daytime for realization of lectures and other gatherings.
The same medical workers are invited to these lectures. On
words L. Taranenko, at such gatherings there would be up to 50
persons.

Gatherings also are carrying out in the other place which we not
name at the request of the chief of Kiev "Ganimed". 1st Sunday
of each month is given up to transsexuals. A person addressing
to "Ganimed" on a transsexuality will find support at those who
have similar problems but already have experience of their
decision and can give "the correct recommendations" (that called
"the group of support" in western psychological practice). Also
"Ganimed" will help to them to communicate with the experts.
However on words of the person accepting active participation in
this work, after last half-year on this problem have addressed
only about 10 persons. Also addresses of lesbians are rather
seldom, whom 3rd Sundays of month are allocated with.

2nd and 4th Sundays are at disposal of gays. Thus sometimes
on meetings there come the people also from other regions of
Ukraine. "If there are free condoms, gels, these all are being
distributed together with AntiAIDS literature at these meetings" -
tells L. Taranenko (L.T.). The flow of calls in the organization has
increased from the moment of the publication of the information
about "Ganimed" in 1st and 2nd numbers of the magazine "Odyn
z nas".

During the work the organization has adjusted contacts to
various medical structures, state and public organizations and
has benefit from it. So, for example, representation of the UN in
Ukraine has allocated the e-mail address for "Ganimed". In the
further plans of "Ganimed" - to adjust cooperation with law-
enforcement bodies and educational sphere with the purpose of
"mutual adaptation of homo- and heteropopulation" (L.T.).

Amongst the realized plans also it should be noted a participation
of 7 of the "Ganimed" members at school of volunteers of the UN
development program "We with You" (in the project also take part
National Committee on Preventive Maintenance of Drug
Addiction and AIDS, Ukrainian Center of Preventive Maintenance
and Contest to AIDS, Social Service for Youth of Kiev State
Administration). After five-monthly training, these volunteers
obtained certificates which give them a right "to give advisory
help to people who live with HIV/AIDS, their relatives and close
to them to carry out an AntiAIDS work ". The problem of AIDS
has remained today for "Ganimed" in the foreground" (L.
Taranenko, "Odyn z nas", No. 2).

By L. Taranenko words, "Ganimed" also works with mothers of
gays. She tells that "basically gays have horrible relationships
with their parents, but there are such mothers who help
"Ganimed" and help other mothers "to accept a homosexuality of
the sons".

Despite all these obvious successes, the organization is in hard
and, we would say, shaky situation. The problem is that last
checking of public organizations in Ministry of Justice has shown
that the All-Ukrainian Association "Ganimed" does not
correspond to its status, since the necessary number of the
branches is not registered in the regions of Ukraine. According to
Article 19 of the Law of Ukraine "About Associations of the
Citizens", reorganization or liquidation of public organization is
carried out according to its Charter, and in the Charter of
"Ganimed" such right is given only to congress. The organization
also can be abolished by decision of the Constitutional Court of
Ukraine according to Article 32 of the Law, however in the listed
items of this Article there is not considered the situations which
has developed around the Association. So closed circle was
formed in this case.

Now this question is examined in Ministry of Justice and, on the
data of Lilia Taranenko, is to be decided approximately in one
month. The leader of Kiev group hopes that her cell will be the
assignee of "Ganimed", keeping the same name. We also hope
that Ministry of Justice will not to get a very close grasp of the
Charter of nonexistent All-Ukrainian Association and will see
really working Kiev organization.

We also have communicated with the second co-chairperson of
the Association Leonid Nefedovich, but as he said, he, remaining
nominally on a post, actually had departed deals of the
Association already about two years ago and not in a rate of
occurring now inside it events. On our question would he like to
renew a work in "Ganimed", he answered: "Only in case if sane
people will come in its management. With those who now
operates the organization, I shall not cooperate".

That we said about "Ganimed" will not be completed if we shall
not note in the article the person of Lilia Taranenko herself,
taking into account that for today the basic work in the
organization is conducted personally by her. Ms. L. Taranenko
began her activity in gay community as far back as the beginning
of 90-th years, when, by her words, she "used to go in places of
gay cruising - man rooms - with the purpose to study a life of
queers". Since then she faced many difficulties, was under militia
view, the searches were carried out in her apartment, and
surface of her apartment's entrance door "is cut up by evil-
wishes".

As the person knowing close her life and work says: "Lilia is a
leader, solely deciding all the questions. And it is a fact". On his
words, she was made such with a failure of ILGA conference,
when many people "pulled a blanket to themselves". Since then
she cannot and is afraid to find assistants, being afraid that they
will be dishonest and will aspire to a profit. Another person marks
the energy of Ms. L. Taranenko, but at the same time the
absence of skill to work with other people". She is afraid very
much that someone will create another organization in Ukraine".

L. Taranenko preaches socialist ideas very enthusiastically. "I
stand for democracy on a socialist basis... I have created a
socialist asylum for gays in my apartment... I have some against
the businessmen" - she says. "Lilia is the absolutely disinterested
person by a nature" - confirms another our interlocutor.

L. Taranenko says that "sex-minorities cannot do anything for
themselves, they do not have the leaders" and "if you less fucked
in bushes and were engaged in some pornography, the society
would be disposed better to you!"

In the end of the article we would like to state our sight on
organization of sexual minority and its front of activity from the
ideal point of view.

In 1993, when "Ganimed" was being formed, there was a rise of
social activity in homosexual community as well as in a society
as a whole. But, unfortunately, it was a crest of a wave, and since
then national enthusiasm was sharply lowered. The absolute
majority of gays continue to be content with very little, do not
realize themselves as gays and lesbians in a social aspect, do
not feel the community, are absolutely isolated, i.e. there is no
gay community, and therefore separately they are in
downtrodden and hunted situation. So for this reason the uniting
efforts are necessary. They can and should be various:
acquaintance services, gay commercial rest places, gay
literature, both entertaining and rights-protecting character, and
also public organizations.

The purpose of activity of such organizations should first of all be
the social and political work - work with mass media, bodies of
authority on both state and local level, the obligatory legal
support for any homosexual in case of discrimination etc. As the
minor moment it is possible to carry out medical work too, though
it is a task for medical, dermatovenerological, AntiAIDS and the
other qualified structures. While we still connect ourselves with
medical questions, society will look at us as the patients, instead
of the people restricted in human rights, who we are.

Any mention of AIDS in a context of gays' problems conducts to
effect when a Philistine continues to equate and identify them.
For example, by reading a phrase "having driven homosexuals
into underground, also they would drive AIDS there" (the
interview of L. Taranenko to "Interesnaya Gazeta", No. 5 (9),
1994), it is possible only to make such conclusion. Yet, according
to official data, "for today a level of HIV-infected among
homosexuals stills the lowest in comparison with the other
groups of risk" (interview with Yury Kobyshcha, First Assistant of
Chairman of National Committee on Preventive Maintenance of
Drug Addiction and AIDS, "Odyn z nas ", No. 3).

The reality of creation of a new All-Ukrainian (also any regional)
gay organization for is very little today. And, unfortunately, this
long crisis in our lines to all appearances will be overcome not
soon. It will occur along with the development of just commercial
structures of leisure, which in turn will appear and already do in
large centers, and their further progress in Ukraine will basically
depend on progress of our economy and improvement of
common life standards.

Yet it does not exclude the importance and necessity of work on
all directions. It does not belittle in any way a merit of the people
who work.

We want to emphasize especially that the magazine "Nash Mir"
("Our World") aspires to have a neutral, objective and unbiased
position in relation to "Ganimed", its activity and leaders. We
emphasize that we try to cooperate with everyone whose activity
is aimed at the development of a gay movement in Ukraine, the
improvement of the situation of gays and lesbians, the
improvement of the attitude of society to sexual minorities.

A. Maimulakhin, A. Vasiliev
=================================

5. ABOUT MUSIC AND RIGHT TO BE YOURSELF.

Did Michael Jackson sleep with boys? This question risen by
millions American parents last year became a painful problem.
They tried to decide: whether to permit to their children still to
listen to rock-idol further or remove this perverted one far from
eyes & far from heart? The question is actually interesting, as
you see neither subjects no styles of Jackson's songs and clips
have changed since then at all. Michael also hasn't changed, but
the representation about him has. The matter is that people are
inclined invariably to identify the man as the person himself and
person on public, not mentioning that the author always merges
with his heroes. In a domestic variant it is reduced to gossips on
a theme of "gayness" of "Ivanushki International", "Na-Na" or
Filipp Kirkorov. As a matter of fact, there is a question: "What
for?".. Well, if they are gay, so what? As you can see it concerns
only a narrow circle of their personal acquaintances, and they are
accessible to the mass spectator only as a picture on TV. But,
certainly, everything is not so simple. The art of the actor is to
become interesting and even desired for his spectator. Therefore
for a gay guy "Ivanushki" will be latent gays, and for a girl
teenager - a direct purpose, the object of desires.

To tell the truth there are some singers and other known famous
people who don't their sexual orientation, but when we mention
them, we don not mean the former USSR. We haven't reached it
yet. Even so odious personalities as Boris Moiseyev and Sergey
Penkin have never publicly admitted their homosexuality. Do you
remember "The Police of Customs" shouted here and there:
"We're lesbians!"? That's not the truth, as the former participants
of this project said. Popularity is needed at any cost, even with a
scandal. So in their time both David Bowie and Mick Jagger
acted, though now they admit that it was an acting in a greater
degree. Well, it is really important whether they slept with men or
did not? Even if it was so, it doesn't point to their true sexuality,
as national wisdom says "once is not a faggot". The main thing is
that they behaved in such a manner that they have broken all
stereotypes of a conservative society. In addition these singers
helped much to change the mass public consciousness which
has brought to greater tolerance and a modern situation.
Certainly, an ordinary man is in other status. People are rather
ready to agree with the right of a "star" to be other than with the
right of their neighbor. In spite of that the standards are pawned
from above. Magna Carta established freedom for barons not to
obey royal despotism, but all modern democracy has
subsequently grown from it. It's typical that in the West the
sexual orientation among aesthetically satisfying Bohemians
means nothing at all. Such bands and singers as "Pet Shop
Boys", k.d. lang, "Erasure" neither hide no advertise their tastes.
They are popular among all the people. And careful parent's
cannot even guess that their kids listen to something wrong. The
situation with Michael Jackson is different: sexual abuse of
children is a crime in any country. And the contrast between
promoted image "not from this world" with a supposed trite dirty
linen is striking. That's all because Jackson as a personality and
Jackson as a rock-idol are perceived as one person. But this is
not the truth at all. As Anna Akhmatova, the famous Russian
poet, wrote 'if you had ever known from such what rubber the
verses grow without any shame...' Will Shakespeare's sonnets or
Chaykovsky's music lose or add anything if the homosexuality of
their authors would have been proved?

Meanwhile I don't want to say that the sexual orientation (as well
as any other essential circumstance) has no influence on life and
activity of a person. Maybe "the aspiration of pure beauty" that
we find in Chaykovsky's music or that drive which only a deaf
person can't hear in Michael Jackson's songs are caused by
tragical circumstances of their private life. But it's personal. We'll
never find out what is hidden in person's actions, we can judge
only a final result. And this is the most important thing.

There is Freudist theory explaining Ivan the Terrible (Russian
Tsar) madness by suppressed homosexuality is reasonably
interesting. We've too little information about that time. However,
it's known about a special love of the terrible Tsar to his a select
oprichnik Fedor Basmanov. Fedor was often compared by his
contemporaries with "a beautiful maiden" for his beauty and with
a "fierce Serpent" for his cruelty. The Tsar was unhappy in his
numerous marriages, and it often influenced on the whole
situation in the country. His consciousness was being tore
between insuperable inclination and terrible horror of madness
attracted by mortal sins. When Tsar found the woman he loved,
Russia could breath freely at last. But the Queen has died, and
then Ivan the Terrible suspected his boyars of a plot ("They killed
the empress and contemplated to kill me"). When Fedor
Basmanov had appeared in the palace, Ivan's soul ran straight
into inferno. It's difficult to determine what's the reason and what
the consequence here: the Orthodox believer would assert that
God punished Ivan for his sin, a reasonable person would
assume that the brutal religious morals have created this sin
themselves and have drawn this punishment. The roman
emperor of pre-Christian era couldn't see any problem here at all.

Trying to squeeze the infinite human person in frameworks of
stereotypes, we create our own illusions, in which we want to
believe - and we really believe. It simplifies our life, otherwise it
would be too complicated and incomprehensible, but it's
necessary not to forget that we transfer ourselves at the other
person, our desire and unconscious aspirations, beliefs and
prejudices. Homophobia is largely caused by the situation when
the usual conservative heterosexual represents himself as a
homosexual (and he doesn't like it). To imagine someone at the
place of the others person means to feel both his ideas and
sensations, that is just impossible and is not necessary. The
human morals, both public in their historical development, and
personal, during spiritual perfection, recognize the rights before
the person, gradually bringing to the main thing - right to be
yourself.
=================================

6. IN A MOVEMENT - LIFE!

by Hobo

In five years I was cut bold - hair-cutting has not managed.
"Scoff" - I thought and cried.

I would to be alike to my friend Sasha, who was one year
younger than me, for amazing smart, brisk and very beautiful
boy. Recollecting childhood years since that, trying to find
sources of myself, analyzing, I am sure that it was my first Love...

Since then a lot of time has passed. Becoming adult we acquire
"wisdom", "vital experience ", but we leave from that children's
simplicity, spontaneity. Alas. Too different people we are - adults
and children. The large person is "socially adapted", knows that
is allowed, that is forbidden by "norms". Thinks and works often
commonplacely. The small person as a matter of fact is an
animal movable by instincts, original and unique, not affected by
dogmatism of the society, with a heap of non-realized emotions
on a surface. Just about it I always sigh in nostalgia - in
childhood, in youth there was a peak of admiration from
knowledge of new, beauty of world, mad passion of love.

Just there, in childhood, are formed and are oppressed by
external influences our kindness and fear, hatred, angry. Just
then our person begin made average, lead up to norm by society,
our parents. For example my relations with my mother never
were simple before. Both of us are powerful persons and it did
not allow us to get on peacefully. I always aspired to freedom and
independence, but alas, many mothers consider, that they better
know what is "better" for their children. Small person, in the
meantime yet, still can't worthy repulse, and consequently is in
loss. In four years I sat and looked in a window. "Where are you
looking? " - has asked me mother. "I search for a new mum," - I
have answered. Do not hasten to laugh to a joke, if you
sometime will be told the same.

Respect a child, I want to tell you. It is small height person, with
its own world, inaccessible to you. And if you have undertaken to
create a new person, try to help to be developed his
individualities, instead of emasculate it. Also do not take in head
ever to say him "scum", and furthermore to beat - it is
inexcusably!

I have become a still boy - did not understand and was afraid of
all this life. They have tried wonderfully, trying to make me
"obedient", to restrain. They had managed. But "still waters run
deep" and I was rescued by that that always connected me with
childhood, all the same in what age I was - it is incessant turn of
dreams. In them you are free from conventions, are saved from
severe real world. In them you always can be yourselves. This
world always yours. And my castle-mountain on a far uninhabited
island was mine asylum. Its rocks passing in a towers, infinite
galleries of passages, huge halls and small cells were either
occupied by ghosts, or deserted. In woods of an island were
hidden huts with witches, arranging sabbaths. But not this was
main. All this somewhat was the surroundings. Main was that it
was my island of love, where I steal from a reality met to me
whether it be in the street, in the bus or cinema beautiful boy.
Someone there could linger over for a long time, someone was
quickly forgotten, but to each I had feeling of good, tenderness,
help. And we were happy!

Certainly, I am not for certain original. Many hide themselves and
hide, live as iceberg, hiding the thinks for middle statistical
grimace, but simultaneously experiencing the wild love novels,
distant trips. Someone is the emperor, someone is executioner
and sadist, someone is victim. All voluntary and to satisfaction.
And if now I had an opportunity, without falling to thinking I would
plunged into this mad and drawn world; only there it is possible to
achieve absolute happiness, and anywhere.

The whole youth has passed in this virtual reality, as someone
would tell now. In that life, where there was my body, something
did not suit me. I wanted boundless happiness, pleasure, true,
but the life broke off. I was lonely, strange and another for those
of the same age, and their sneers were painful.

But at the age of 15, at this time of injection of some new
hormones in blood, revolution in biology of organism, and as
result - new push to life or death, new contradictions, aspirations,
boundless reinforcement of sexual emotions and longings - all
has turned over - I has fallen in love!

And though this feeling in due course, very painfully, but almost
was completely dissolved (only echo, as after universal
accidents, catch up many years after) I know, that such Love is.
Absolute Love, here that I recollect with melancholy as lost
irrevocably, irreversible in this life...

Oh, how world is fine, With all its adversities, losses and foul
weathers... Oh, how world is fine! - I have written then.

It was fantastic fellow, my friend. We laugh a lot, we spent a lot of
time together, drink vodka much. We often were beside. But he
did not know, as far as often we were together, in my brain,
inflamed by love. Yes, the love is illness hitting everything, this
fatal madness, creating miracles, moving mountains and
depriving life.... The words are too poor to speak about this
feeling.

Later I fall to thinking, and what would be, if I have found
response in him, if he has appeared the same as me? And it
seemed to me, there would be a resonance and our emotions
would destroy the world. All would stop to exist. There would be
only three essences: I, he and empty universe... But subjunctive
mood in history does not present. And the person - dynamical
essence, and majority survives and outlive... even Love. And it is
a pity. I all the same maximalist, and as one of our singers sang:
"if to fly - so to fly, if to shoot - so to shoot!" There is a sense in
stopping, by reaching top, by imprinting an instant of an ecstasy,
by seizing absolute happiness... But personally I have passed
and has gone further, being lowered years.

After I was interested in the question - what strong youth
friendship is? You see as a matter of fact I had it never; that I had
named as this definition - there was simply love. But my sexual
orientation is other, mine libido is in searches of the reflection,
man's sex. And how are friends heterosexuals? I, likely, am
possessed by the idea of Freudism in interpretation of human
mutual relation, and frequently see certain, in most cases
obviously not shown, sexual underlying reason in them, this "the
basic instinct". And in youth, when in the person literally boils
hypersexuality, are there not present secret propelling agents at
"the man's friendship" really? Whether are not present here
echoes of that primary children's many-different-sexuality, which
we reject, suppress, hide all stayed life, and at the end
successfully we unify and rob ourselves? And as many as I did
not asked different people, I till now can not find the unequivocal
answer.

However then I thought, that we "simply are the very good
friends" with Igor. And only in long evenings of loneliness - "here,
he again has exchanged our friendship for any girl" - I began still
to not understand but only to feel - I am other!

The process of comprehension of oneself by homosexual is
usually very long at the majority of the people. Though now it
changes. Some information appeared in the society, i.e. what is
necessary for the thinking person in such cases to analyze and
to understand himself. When there were events, described by
me, that is in up to- and early- Perestroyka time, any mentions
about homosexuality, except as "deviation" and "perversion" in
two volume book of psychiatry, for example I could not find.
Therefore it will become clear, whether it was easy to lonely in
the hostile world young person to understand himself (and to
recognize: I - NOT NOR MAL!)

In my case this process was delayed for years, almost as "a step
forward, two back". I left in myself, in this cave, where it was
possible to disappear from law and order, from the law and to
forget about this infinite turn of painful questions - who am I, what
am I, what I'm for? I can understand those people, who prick
themselves, drink, kill on the ground of these torments. And I
hope, that my story will help to you to understand, that it is your
kind Christian morals in the answer for it - that the person not
doing harm, is humiliated and is offended by the society, is exile
in it.

Gorbachov changes and Glastnosti began to change the world
and once in Moscow, I have come across on gay newspaper,
more correct even to tell the leaflet - such small format it was. I
do not remember, why I have paid attention to it. It is ridiculous
now to describe mine red ears in that moment, when I bought it.
Certainly I thought, that everyone look at me and think "fagot".
But this short information has given me much. I have understood
- I am not one in the world.

The person - is social animal, and for us is very important to find
understanding, approval in environment. It gives us forces and
encourages. It that is imperceptible to the majority of the people,
is perceived by them as due, self-evident. It is about what only
can dream excluded from permitted- acceptable young gay man
or lesbian woman. Certainly we collide with the same problems,
as "strait" - to find lover, circle of the friends, sexual partner (s).
But to do it for us it is in many times more difficult. Certainly,
people are different. Someone is more opened, and can be even
impudent in such searches. But the absolute majority of gays will
not simply approach to guy and will not say "you are liked to me,
let's get acquainted", as it is quite acceptable in heterosexual
relations. In this connection is graphic very much an example of
the Metro: you go on the escalator - downwards or upwards, and
towards other goes. Yours roving look meets his look. You look in
eyes, almost all understanding. But the escalator goes further.
You turn and he turns. But anything possible to return...

This mine unlikeness, certainly, influenced onto formation of my
outlook in general. This global dissatisfaction, sufferings forced
to think about sense of life, to stir and to subject doubt basic
axioms, to search for own philosophical way. Saint-Ekzuperi,
Selindger, Jeck London, and certainly "Master and Margo" by
Mickail Bulgakov and other books were beside with me at these
searches. It was the own way of comprehension by the person,
reappraisal of global values, morals, rules - of all. What,
unfortunately, do not do the majority of the people. Alas, the
people have not got used to think. The people trust not falling to
thinking. This herd instinct, this "continuity of generations" always
simply enraged me.

To assert the person, unlikeness, certainly is more difficult. For it
is necessary to struggle. The struggle, in general, in the obvious,
strong or latent form always was with me in life. For how without
it? This is necessary condition of upholding of oneself. Directly I
have confronted with it in the army. I did not like to recollect this
time ever after. First, all cannot be describe - there was other
world, other values. They will not be understood by anyone, who
has not gone through similar. Secondly, I don't like to whimper.
Yes, it was sternly. Half-year after army I had mental not
endurance of someone's steps behind. It was the simple animal
fear. In the street I have let the passers go forward. But in due
course all let go. The only that I could not forgive to the people, it
is not important, those colleagues or aged nice little woman "Kill
him, kill!", that that all their morals is lying. All these Christian
sermons about good come to naught, when we are driven in a
corner - at us opens the true face - the face of an animal. There
are no animal worse than monkeys - petty, squab, dirty, cowardly,
herded. We - superior primates.

I ascertain it as the fact, not estimating it as "good" or "bad", for I
am the same. But I was always honor, not promising, that it will
be honeyed to tribesmen to live with me. I am selfish, and in
compliance with this I act. Therefore I struggle and defend
myself, my right on life!

This army time has generated from me the adult man. I "have
stood all difficulties and adversities", but not simply, as the
majority. I have battled as I could. And even if I was not right at
all, in anything not right, I respect myself only for that that I had
not yield to system, "had left a row", "from a track" (citations from
the songs of V. Tsoy, V. Vysotsky - favorites of different
generations). But during all this vital commotion I have ceased to
be that young, not knowing real life boy, which with delight and
charm looked at beauty of the world, was naive, idolized ideals -
all this was scattered in ashes. He saw the true face of the
Person and has terrified...

In our life extremely rare, but there are turning-points, certain
mile stones, with what begins new. For me such moment has
become the answer to myself: "Yes, I homosexual. I am such". It
yield to me not easy. "Well, it's enough to look at boys, since
today I look at girls!" - I have given installation to myself. It was
on the verge of despair - attempt not to submit to the nature, to
alter myself. And so has turned out, just at this time case has
brought me together with the girl, very beautiful (it is necessary to
notice - very similar to the young man), clever girl (that is rare to
meet). And I already almost triumphed - fate! But she has told -
no. I have smiled and answered to myself: "No, so is no...
(pause) Fool, relax. The life is beautiful! Be pleased!... (pause)
Oh!!! What nice fellow has gone!"

Many gays experience similar crises, though someone realizes
himself absolutely painlessly. Realizes and gives himself the right
to be such, what is. For me it were the most heavy internal
discords, these torments, this struggle on internal front. I was
driven in a corner by own stereotypes for long time. When for
myself I have recognized the right to be such, it has become
much easier to me to go to the following boundary - to assert
myself, unlikeness, originality before environmental, society. I
have told myself: the world = I. And to spit to me about what they
will think! If something does not suit them, it is their problems, not
mine.

I didn't have familiar gays still. And I have come to the following
idea, as it will not seem banal to someone, and to other - unreal,
that all is in my forces. If I shall continue to sit with fold arms and
be sad, it will help nothing. Well, then I have thought up a phrase
- slogan, which after years now sometimes I say to complaining
young: "who searches, that probably will find, but even if not, the
process is thrilling and interesting by itself". And you know, it has
helped to me. Not I have altered myself to the world, but the
world has changed for me.

Certainly, to submit with oneself unlikeness within the bounds of
cranium, this "black box" for others, and to exist, living double
life, thinking one, speaking another, acting don't see how at all -
is difficult, but it is possible. And so the majority of homosexuals
does. To leave from this underground, to declare yourself, to
recognize before society that you "the very one" is qualitatively
other boundary.

For me now it is far behind. In the beginning I talked cautiously,
by hints, about it to the friends; having not met rejecting I spoke
more confidently aloud "my sexual orientation is different"; I
learnt to speak about it not taking my eyes aside. In some
moment it took even the form of sports interest - whom in the
next time I will open to? Sure I exaggerate a little - you see all
these people were not mere passers-by but those who knew me
and treated me well.

Now I can reason about it easily, call others to be more open
etc., but I never insist, for I understand as it is difficult to person
to decide. It is necessary to have some bravery (or madness) to
make a step and to cross this psychological barrier of fear. All of
us are impregnated with this sticky, weighing on us fear. Whether
it from GULUG, whether from later time, whether earlier it began
be cultivated in our public consciousness - who knows, but it is
the fact. We always were taught not to be put out, to be average,
gray, one of the crowd. It still ruined us till now.

There was a time when I disappeared from the world too. Was
hidden, lied. But I am the strong person and it worked on me by
literally destructive way. It is not a joke, my mentality exhausted
both itself and my body. I did not want to live a double life - it is
like to look over your unfreedom yourself. I had a precise
dilemma before myself - to win or to die. It was necessary to
write the diploma, to search for a bride, to arrange the life as a
good citizen... I spat upon all these conventions, wrote a letter to
my parents, get in the commodity car and rushed towards wind.
Forward roads and uncertainty. It was alike a hunted wolf - in a
circle of red tags - breaks through, in unknown, across, being
rescued itself. It was my way. I wanted to get rid. I wanted to
survive. I have become Hobo.

It was a certain symbolism. It is such a lot of Andreis in the world
but I am only one. And when parents give a name to his boy they
do not know what then will grow up from him. So I have become
Hobo. This is an American word of 20-th which named young
tramps going on a Road in searches of adventures, love, earthly
pleasures. There always was, is and will be a shallow brooklet at
some distance from a wide channel of a human flow in history.
Someone will always think, act unlike Me, You, He, She, It, unlike
the majority. Someone names them strange, someone calls to
exterminate "all these hairies, junkies, homos", someone
concerns with sympathy or respect. But these others - always will
be, despite anything.

That I want to say by it, is a question about tolerance. The world
is already too overcrowded. It is seen when you walk on a usual
road (sidewalk, for example) - coming constantly across the
people, children, dogs and cars. Therefore pledge of our survival,
if anybody is going to, consists in peaceful coexistence.
Whatever various we are, however I correspond to your
stereotypes and you - to my desire, etc. Otherwise - only global
wars; but they should be left, perhaps, to SF writers. The way
from tolerance to understanding and respect is difficult but it is a
sole road if to look sensibly.

.... I got out from the track on the little station. Lay on warm
asphalt. Screwed up my eyes to spring sunny. My God! What
else is necessary? What for the people fight, hate? Silence...
Simple pleasures... I made a step, left from the habitual and the
world lay beneath my feet. It was the spring of my new life. A
night cold, a nasty rain, a burning sun - they were my
companions in wanderings on the earth. But it was freedom! To
be on a Road, to go towards wind, to meet new people - what
can be better? A reality and the dreams were interwoven. And
there just cannot understand - who are you? A wolf - single,
exited, looking... A naked body, prostration on a deserted coast
of sea... Or circling and shouting seagull: Aaaaah... Aaaaah...
Aaaaah...

The new were opened to me - it is worth to live and to enjoy life.
It is necessary to be an optimist and less to whine. I was in my
element there, on open spaces, when "boxes" do not cover
horizon and you can go to any distance!

My relations with the relatives was never simple. Actually I
always have an interest to related souls, not to blood. The
parents could not reconcile immediately to my unlikeness and we
have passed since then very and very long way of show-downs.
My reasons were the following: I have not changed. I only have
opened to you a part of my person, which even earlier was with
me, it is inseparable its. Only so I am harmonious, whole. And
now you know me, what I am .. I have left lie and become
honest. And I am proud for it. If you really loved me, respect me
on now.

Not all has worked. "You should be treated " - they told me. I
laughed in the answer in eyes. I was often even severe in
upholding of my freedom, independence. But life is a struggle.
Someone always loses. I wanted to live and to be pleased. Thus
suffered who prevented me in it. However, in due course, all
becomes easier. And even sportsman lost a time uses fruits of
the victory. Therefore I consider that all these tears were not in
vain.

My grandmother is the person, solely to whom I want to say
thank for her sincere kindness. She could grow fond anew,
though I am "not a present". We very well understood each the
other with my sister. Incidentally we are similar in many respects.

Our society, unfortunately, is still homophobic very much. As
whole the theme of homosexuality still rather offends the ear and
the people agree to conversation on it with unwillingness.
Someone continues to think about homosexuals as about
perverts. Someone considers that they rape and corrupt the
youth. Somebody else is even more radical in views. And it
actually is necessary to be cautious in streets, where it is
possible to run into physical violence from the group of "militant"
youth.

On the one hand it results from conservatism of human thinking,
taking into account the historical and religious very negative
attitude to male homosexuality. On the other hand it is nourished
by the new social and economic conditions: with a proceeding
bad economic situation the people grow angry very much, thus
this feeling finds an image of an enemy including "occurrence of
some pederasts" (we have become more visible). However as
the more general reason of such a bad attitude to sexual minority
I would called an absence in the whole of democratic traditions in
a society, respect for the person, individuality.

However there undoubtedly ever occurs more people among the
majority, who treat with indifference or even with respect various
unordinary displays of human essence, and sexuality in
particular. To be objective, I should tell that I did not hear lately
about awful examples, for instance, of beating homosexuals, i.e.
that we name "repair". I do not know any person among my
acquaintances who had opened and would be reduced in rank at
the work or dismissed. Though, certainly, it is possible that
somewhere such cases took and take place.

Unfortunately, gays use this change of a situation in a very small
degree and the fear dominates in their life. The majority still is
inclined to be hidden, being afraid not only "to come out of
closet", but even to communicate with other gays. Lesbian life,
though has a less negative shade in public consciousness, that
can seem not so strange to you, is practically absolutely invisible.

The society, on its part, will not change the attitude to
homosexuality until the people will see "real" gays beside,
friends, acquaintances, be faced with them in life, instead of
receiving the scrappy and inconsistent items of information from
mass media. Unfortunately in this case we see the closed circle.

Frankly speaking, I have little liking for queers just because they
are often excessively timid, mentally complexed. Probably I am
wrong for I cannot so. Do the people really do not understand
that it is their life and it passes irrevocably. Why the people are
ready to be reconciled with it, why they do not come on
barricades in struggle for happiness, for love? At the end it is a
questions of self-respect, dignity. Why they are uneasy more
about what the neighbor will tell? What the hell!? There is such a
sensation like everyone is ready to sit in their own holes! And it
distresses me very very much.

Of course, I have adapted not instantly, but in due course a lot of
new acquaintances in gay community has come. As well as
everywhere there meet the absolutely different people.
Communication with some is long, some pass past eye without
hooking. Once a friend of mine has named me l'homme fatal. But
I am not guilty that many people break the sincere feelings over
me as storm waves over an unshakable rock. I cannot do
anything with it. I cannot prevent it. But also I cannot give the
same storm to them in the answer, be mutual. My source, alas,
has already run low... I have become quiet, "wiser" and I look
alike an old shabby crow from a branch at that storming violence
of emotions, seethes around...

I was introduced to Sasha by our common friend more than three
years back. Both of us searched. Why, we become friends soon.
In the beginning we met on weekends. Then came to live
together. Have got on. Have got used one to another - a power of
a habit is strong. We in a greater degree look like mere friends
from a hostel, scouring the life side by side. Some of straits
behind our backs have named us "Twix" - a sweet couple". Well,
it is going too far. But many gays really envy us; very many would
like to live in couple with the sweetheart. For us these things go
without saying, are everyday. That is why I write so dryly.

Certainly there are pluses and minuses in joint life. When
together - we fight, when separately - we miss, for there is
nobody to tip feelings and emotions out. We do not plan
tomorrow. There will be a day - there will be a bread and shows.
In any it has been so till now. Ours havens look always like either
attic of sweethearts with greenery behind a window or large
booth, where everybody is enjoying himself. So we live - two little
devils with light bristle on chin. We do not bark, nor we bite (until
they step on us). I and He.

Generally I am far from being the best example for "creation" of a
positive image of homosexual. I am such as I am - neither worse
nor better. I am an old nasty slippery poisonous Scorpio de facto.
And I still will fight for my areal, biological niche, space. I already
hopeless queer. I know my price. I know life. I am capable on an
act. I hope I am still on the road that means - young; and for me
this is indispensable terms.

The reality is bad in comparison with dreams by that it is
necessary to be reconciled in it with some things. Likely you
already never will walk on the moon, will sit at steering wheel of
jet plane, will become the captain of a large white ship, as
Russian humorist Zhvanetsky says. Sometimes it is worth to give
a back course before stupid - brainrhinocerosness. Well, some
people have granite in a head (it is more on weight) instead of
brain, and it is necessary to be reconciled with it.

The devil knows, but neither I nor Sasha name our relations the
Love. As for me this feeling remained somewhere in offworld,
unreal, in dreams. I wish at the end to get there. There will be
complete freedom, unlimitness, crazyness. That world will be full
of colors and joy, unlike this one. Fires and music. Hubbub and
silence. And I will again be able to look at it by child's widely
opened, surprised and admired eyes, without fear and with
confidence to myself and my power. There will be all in extremes
there. And Love. To madness through Love!

Sometimes I feel myself a steam locomotive, under music,
scattering sparks, furiously rotating pistons, rushing into the
distance. Punching walls of misunderstanding, stereotypes,
enmity. I do not know what ruins remain behind me. For me it is
not important. It is important that I am in movement. In
movement - life!

Do not sit at home. Let's go! With me!

August, 1997 possible AD.
=================================

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