Subject: Martha Stewart column-C Surasky
From: [email-masked]
Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 09:46:57 -0500

Martha Stewart and Her Gay Friends

I was minding my own business eating bagels and reading the Sunday morning
paper when suddenly I was disturbed by a loud ring. It was my friend Franco
on the phone screaming at me "Turn on the TV! You've got to turn on Martha
Stewart!" 

I, being a 100% certified card carrying lesbian, replied, "Martha who?"
 Franco, being a 100% certified gay man with extra degrees in tastefulness
and accessorizing responded, "You don't know who Martha Stewart is? Reigning
diva of tasteful country living. Purveyor of all things beautiful, precious
and, well, tasteful?"

My curiosity piqued, and Franco's insistent screaming too loud for my ears, I
ran to the television and turned it on. There I saw a woman with a haircut
and color that screamed Greenwich, Connecticut explaining how to make
designer vinegars with home grown herbs and antique bottles.  I'd known
Franco to get overly excited-but vinegar? With ribbons? This was too bizarre.
Who was this woman and what strange power did she have over him?

I waited patiently and soon discovered the source of his excitement. Martha
had taken the camera crew, and hence the rest of us 'tasteful wannabe's', to
her "good friends'" house to see their home decorations. Her friends were
named something like Bif and Jeff, and although no one ever said anything
about them being lovers (which in Greenwich, Connecticut would probably fall
outside the bounds of good taste), it was clear that they were a gay couple.

Several weeks later, Franco called me again in a frenzy and sure enough,
Martha was visiting another good set of friends-this time named Rick and
Chip, or something like that. (I started to fantasize about what might happen
if the real world intruded upon the perfect world of Martha Stewart and Chip
suddenly broke out chanting "Fight Back -Fight AIDS" right there on national
 TV.  But that's a whole other column!)

First, I have to say the most tasteful home I've been to recently is owned a
by a beautiful young lesbian friend who has an equally beautiful flair for
dressing. And I also know plenty of poor social worker gay men who live in
homes decorated early neo-college dorm.

That said, the stereotypes about tasteful gay men and, um, fashion-challenged
lesbians, have some truth to them. That of course, is how stereotypes get
started and go on to live long and fruitful lives. Most of the great clothing
designers are gay or bi men as are many set designers, hair stylists,
interior decorators. You name it-gay men everywhere--not lesbians--dictate
the fashion tastes of America. 

Take for instance, the apartment house I live in.

Downstairs live a very tasteful gay male couple. They are art collectors and
it shows. Even though they say they don't read her ( I swear I saw Martha's
face peeking out of the trash dumpster once), they seem to have a natural,
Martha Stewart sense of style. This makes me jealous. The Martha Stewart
boys, as I'll call them, invited me and my partner down for lemon crepes and
fresh jam a few months ago. I didn't know what to do with the crepes, let
alone how to make them.

We sat at their beautiful wooden table which was graciously adorned with a
table runner. I only knew what a table runner was because we accidentally get
my mother-in-laws' Pottery Barn catalogs so we like to look through and pick
out all the things we can't afford to buy. Anyway, for those of you who don't
have a sense of Martha Stewart style, its a beautiful piece of fabric that
runs along the middle of the table providing a perfect, um, well, accent.

The next week, to return the favor, we invited them up to our place. Being
lesbians, we of course invited them to a potluck. The Martha Stewart boys
brought pastry flown in from Italy. We made vegetarian chili.

We didn't have a table runner, so I created one out of fabric placemats. It
didn't look half bad on our dining room table that was made from a door.  

But back to Martha Stewart and the strange appearance of Bif and Chip and
Jeff and Rick. 

I understood why she probably doesn't spend much time visiting lesbian
couples on her TV show. If she visited us, we'd probably do a show on
"Re-decorating Chicago's Cabrini Green housing projects for the holidays" or
" How to make nutritious finger foods for the homeless."   

On the other hand, I know people like Bif and Chip. My friend Franco is that
way and let me assure you, they can be ruthless. They're fashion Nazis. These
are people who want to make the wearing of polyester a felony. Three times
and you're out! 

They'd put men with beer bellies into forced aerobics camps. They'd hold
massive plastic slip cover burnings in the main square. And siding. Oh God! I
shudder at the thought of what would happen to any unsuspecting soul who
covered a Victorian house with plastic siding.

It made sense that they'd be friends of Martha's.

In the spirit of the great conspiracy theorists, I started to wonder about
the periodic appearances by gay couples on her show.. Is Martha Stewart
really a radical social engineer disguised as a brilliant business woman? Is
her goal to subtly indoctrinate upper crust America with the gay male
aesthetic? 

Or, more interestingly, and this is what I think is the truth, is Martha
Stewart merely a puppet figurehead? Like the Queen of England, her job is to
look regal and be acceptable to the masses while behind the scenes, Bif and
Chip and the rest of the gay gang orchestrate the biggest fashion/aesthetic
coup since the mini skirt?  

Conspiracy or not, I decided that Martha Stewart was now implicated in the
gay male ability to command almost complete power over mainstream America.
Our largely homophobic mainstream culture may not want to admit it, but the
movies we see, the songs we sing, the art we admire, the clothes we wear, the
hairstyles we sport, and the things we hang on our walls are all profoundly
influenced and in many cases, dominated by gay male culture. It's been that
way since before Michelangelo. And it will probably always be that way.

But the sad irony is that in this country, no one wants their son to come
home with a gay man-unless of course he's only there to redecorate the house.
And even then, he's allowed in the house as long as he shuts up about who he
is, who he desires, and who he loves.

I would like to think that in the Martha Stewart world of perfect living,
that peculiar brand of hypocrisy is not just impolite and tasteless, but
unconscionable.

Cecilie Surasky is a communications consultant and lesbian activist. e-mail:
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