Subject: Sodomy- Providence Journal articles from Cecilie Surasky
From: [email-masked]
Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 09:46:38 -0500

Billion Dollar Sodomy Plan

This has been a big summer for sodomy.

Just last week, a former volunteer for "family values man" Newt Gingrich told
Vanity Fair  magazine that she and Little Newtie had oral sex 20 years ago in
a hotel room when both were married--to different people. She explained that
Newt preferred this "modus operandi" because then he could deny that he had
slept with anyone.

Newt hasn't denied these and other charges of philandering.

Had they been discovered doing the deed in Rhode Island, Newt would have been
sent off to prison as a felon.

Earlier this summer, the Rhode Island Supreme Court twice re-affirmed the
constitutionality of our own custom-made sodomy law, known as the" abominable
and detestable crimes against nature" law, which carries with it the harshest
penalty in the country, 7 to 20 years.  

The law, which was drafted in 1896 (oh REALLY?), deems (homosexual or
heterosexual) oral and anal sex a felony. 

When recently prosecuting various Rhode Islanders for sodomy, the Attorney
General argued that it was in the best interest to prevent sexual activities
that " society deems to be immoral behavior." The Supreme Court agreed,
calling oral and anal sex "crimes against nature." And the state legislature
 has repeatedly taken the moral high ground and killed legislative attempts
to overturn this 99 year old law.  

Since all of our beacons of moral purity up at the Supreme Court (former home
of Joseph Bevilacqua Sr., Thomas Fay and Mattie Smith) say its a good law,
then all we can do is give them the benefit of the doubt and ask, like any
good Rhode Islander, "How can I help?"

That's why I came up with the  following 5 part plan to enforce the sodomy
law in Rhode Island.  I mean, If we're gonna have this law on the books, then
gosh darn it, let's enforce it! Because if we had this law, but ignored it
99% of the time and only used it to selectively target powerless people the
attorney general doesn't like, well that would be, gee, completely
unconstitutional, a gross misuse of the legal system and downright
totalitarian. 

But fortunately, Rhode Island is better than that. 

Besides, I think my plan will do more to uplift Rhode Island's reputation for
moral virtue than even the Extreme Games.

The 5 Part Billion Dollar Sodomy Plan

1) The sodomy pledge.
Public officials and all people who work with children will be asked to take
the "abominable and detestable crime against nature" pledge promising that
they have never and will never even consider engaging in such horrific acts.
Attorney General Pine and the State Supreme Court Justices will be the first
to publicly take the pledge.

2) Sodomy Police. 
Since our police officers are busy dealing with assault and robbery, I
suggest that we recruit civilian sodomy vigilante patrols. They'd be like a
well regulated militia. In fact, maybe we could get the Rhode Island Militia
for the job. They could wear brown shirts and badges with SS (Sodomy
Stoppers) or SOB (Sodomy Busters).

They of course would take random sodomy law compliance tests.

Since most people don't engage in sodomitic acts in front of the police
station, these specially trained Sodomy Busters teams will be given klieg
lights and infrared night vision devices. Steel-toed boots will be necessary
for kicking down bedroom doors. Bullhorns will be useful for dramatic effect.

3) This is a war!
Attorney General Pine will become known as the Sodomy Czar. He will make PSAs
for television and radio asking people to stop this senseless crime.  High
school students will carry bumper stickers home from school bearing the
message "Just Say No!" They will be encouraged to turn in those they suspect
of committing such crimes.

4) Sodomy isn't just a crime, it's an epidemic!
According to the most comprehensive sex survey ever done in the U.S., as
reported in the scholarly journal Glamour, approximately 73% of women and 79%
of men have engaged in oral sex in their lifetime. In fact, oral sex is the
3rd most popular form of sexual activity for Americans, after intercourse and
watching your partner take their clothes off (which, if you ask Andrea
Dworkin or Robert Dole, should be made a crime punishable by 2 to 5 years-its
like live pornography!). 20% of women and 26% of men have engaged in anal
sex.

Assuming that 75% of all adult Rhode Islanders have engaged in "abominable
and detestable crimes against nature", we'd have about 582,750 perpetrators.
That's over half the state!

5) We need prisons, prisons and more prisons.
As everyone knows, if you want to stop sodomy dead in its tracks you're gonna
have to get tough and put people in prison where things like "abominable and
detestable acts against nature" NEVER, EVER happen. Prisons are safe. The
privacy of your own home or car is not.

And Governor Almond thought the budget deficit was bad now!
With punishment starting at 7 years, we'll need some more money to pay for
imprisonment. At an average of $35,000 per prisoner per year, it would cost
the state about $245,000 minimum per act of sodomy. Multiply that by the
number of felons,  582,750, and you've got a whopping bill for
$142,773,750,000. And that's just for maintenance!

Sure, one and a half billion may seem like a lot, especially for a state like
Rhode Island. But as our wise leaders know, it's a small price to pay to make
sure Rhode Island can sleep peacefully at night.

Remember kids, just say no!

Cecilie Surasky is a media consultant who lives in Providence, Rhode
Island.{et