Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 17:15:54 -0600 (CST) From: Kevyn Jacobs To: "Kansas Queer News [KQN]" Subject: KU DAILY KANSAN EDITORIAL: COMING OUT DIFFICULT BUT NECESSARY FROM THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN UNIVERSITY OF KANSAS, LAWRENCE KANSAS THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 1995 REPRINTED WITH PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR ================================================ COMING OUT IS DIFFICULT BUT NECESSARY FOR ONE BISEXUAL by Chris Hampton Staff Columnist Let's get one thing straight: I'm not. I've made oblique references to it before, but in case you've been dying to know the orientation of your favorite columnist, I'm bisexual. It took me years to come out of the closet. I'd always known, but was terrified of anyone finding out about what one friend calls my non-sex- specific romantic identity. At first, the only person who knew was my now-ex-husband. He was really supportive about it. No, it wasn't the reason we divorced - that's material for a whole other column. I was seeing a counselor in a last-ditch effort to save my marriage. My counselor suggested that I find some group I was interested in so I could make more friendships outside of my marriage. I got involved in LesBiGayS OK. Probably not exactly what she had in mind, but I quickly became an active member and started coming out to my straight friends. To make a long story short, I made many new friends, gained a considerable amount of self-esteem, stopped going to counseling, and decided to give up on a lost cause and get a divorce. So far, the hardest thing has been coming out at my job, which I did last semester. To their credit, my coworkers been remarkably accepting and understanding. There are a lot of people who work in my building who still don't know. I admit I'm nervous about what their reactions to this column will be. Coming out is a continual process. I'm always meeting new people and facing the decision of if, when, and how to tell them. Invariably, there is the fear that someone will react negatively or stop speaking to me altogether. I'm still not out to my parents. I've tried to broach the subject with them, but no dice. That's enough material for another column, too. Even after coming out fairly painlessly, there have been uncomfortable moments. My roommate and I spent Thanksgiving with a friend who invited us to stay with his family for the weekend. Andrew is very out to his folks - so much so that he made me squirm quite a bit during our stay. One day he was alone with his mother and she asked him, "Are your friends gay too?" "No," he told her, "They're bisexual." She looked puzzled. "You know, Mom. Surf _and_ turf." Of course he told us about this immediately, so we were even more squirmish around his mother for the rest of our visit. But no matter how difficult it's been, being honest with people about it is not nearly so difficult as it was fearing that somebody might find out about me and think I'm an awful person because I'm not straight. Author Suzanne Pharr wrote, "Every act of visibility is an act of resistance." So consider this column to be my little act of resistance for the day. And no matter what your sexual orientation, I hope your day is a good one. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chris Hampton is a Lawrence graduate student in higher education.