From: Gayeditor@aol.com Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 15:28:06 -0400 reprinted from update, southern california's oldest gay and lesbian weekly for permission to reprint email gayeditor@aol.com Is Motherhood At Risk In Our Community? By Nina Robinson For Update A hare meeting a lioness one day said reproachfully, "I have always a great number of children, while you have but one or two now and then." The lioness replied, "It is true, but my one child is a lion." x Lokman (c. 1100 B.C.E.), Ethiopian fabulist SAN DIEGO x As this day of celebration of motherhood approaches, there has never before in the history of this nation been such a cry of outrage and frustration from the segment of our Gay and Lesbian population that are raising children over the definition of what makes a parent "unfit". The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML), comprised of the nation's top 1,500 divorce and matrimonial law attorneys, has said that homosexuality in and of itself should not be a bar to custody of children. "Any presumption that a homosexual parent is 'unfit' for custody simply by virtue of his or her homosexuality is a doctrine based upon prejudice and stereotypes which deprives a parent of fundamental rights and privileges guaranteed under the Constitution, while simultaneously ignoring the best interests of the child," the Academy has stated. This view is not shared with the Virginia Supreme Court, which recently reversed a lower court ruling that would have allowed Sharon Bottoms, a Lesbian mother, to retain custody of her child, instead granting custody of the three year old to his maternal grandmother, Kay Bottoms. Estimates are that there may be as many as 14 million Lesbian mothers and Gay fathers in this country alone. "Many of these are excellent parents and should not be denied the right to raise their children simply based on their sexual orientation," says Boston lawyer Gerald L. Nissenbaum, AAML's president. "There would be great harm to children if they were denied their right to be raised by their own parents, simply because a parent was Gay." In a recent press release from the AAML, three approaches currently being taken by the courts in relation to custody by homosexual parents were highlighted. (1) Those states where homosexuality "per se," or in and of itself, is an unrebuttable presumption that a parent is unfit; (2) A middle ground approach, in which the parent's homosexuality, by itself, is not deemed to render the parent "unfit," but instead, the existence of a homosexual relationship is assumed to be an unsuitable environment (under such an approach, a homosexual parent may be granted the custody of his or her child, provided that he or she complies with certain judicially determined standards of behavior, usually involving refraining from associating with other known homosexuals in the presence of the child); and (3) Those states practicing what is called a "nexus" approach, which requires a finding of a proven adverse impact upon the child as a result of the parent's homosexuality to deny custody. It is imperative to note that the nexus approach implies that a homosexual parent might be found unfit for any of the reasons a heterosexual parent might be found unfit, but that such a standard protects the best interests of the child while not unnecessarily abridging constitutional rights or potentially removing a child from the atmosphere most beneficial to that child. The fact is, that as to actual child-rearing skills and the ability to provide an appropriate home environment, be it from a material, moral or spiritual viewpoint, recent research shows there is no difference between heterosexual and homosexual parents. Nowhere will you find a group that more fervently supports this opinion than the local group "Moms & Me -N- Dads Too". "The purpose of our group," explains Carolina Ramos, one of the group's founders, "is to create a safe environment for our children and their Lesbian and Gay parents, along with their partners and to allow our families to socialize, express ideas freely and share common interests with one another." One would be hard-pressed to find a parent, homosexual or heterosexual, that did not believe that successfully raising a child in this day and age is a formidable challenge. And yet, this four-year-old support and social group is committed "to the well being and enhancement of our families through education, promoting positive family values and emotional support." In the many issues facing the Gay community, one that is often times overlooked is the one of dealing with the emotions and stability of the child when a parent "comes out". "We came out but left our kids in the closet," Ramos continued. "Many of us [parents] weren't sure what the reaction to the children would be." Ramos touched briefly on the discrimination toward Lesbian and Gay parents and their children from, amazingly, within the Gay community. "Some Gays feel there should be no children in the community and wrinkle their noses. We were looked down upon at first when we began meeting at The Center. I even overheard one person say, "There goes the center x a lot of rug rats now." It was upsetting." Undaunted, the group has grown to include 90 families mostly by word of mouth. Ramos and co-founder Amye Cubberly discovered that their children, like many children of divorced parents, had issues dealing with anger toward them, but have to deal additionally with "Gay bashing" within the schools. "It's a big process for children to say, "I have Lesbian/Gay parents." It's a big decision for them to "come out" about their parents to a teacher or principle." The older of the two sections of the group ("Junior" section is ages 0 to 6 years, "Senior" section is 7 to 18 years) works with an agenda at their meetings to deal with questions and issues such as 'naming five things to do when you're Gay bashed'. The children themselves, while monitored by the parents, are allowed to converse freely to develop solutions and offer each other advice. A San Francisco-based organization called "Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere (COLAGE)" works on a similar premise. Created six years ago by Stefan Lynch, himself a child of a Lesbian mother and a Gay father, the club focuses on the needs of teenagers. "Instead of dwelling on other people's ignorance, the club emphasizes the diversity of our family structures, racial backgrounds, economic levels and how kids came into the world in fun and engaging ways," Lynch described. "Despite the enormous numbers of children, books for kids with Lesbian and Gay parents, like Daddy's Roommate, is one of the most censored genres, being pulled from the shelves of libraries all over the country by members of the religious right who don't understand that Lesbian and Gay people can make valid and loving families." Boasting a membership of over one thousand plus two dozen additional affiliated peer groups around the U.S., Canada, and Northern Europe, the population of Lesbian and Gay families with children is unarguably expanding and "coming out with children". Custody battles are now being waged in the forefront of the arena as Gay and Lesbian parents stand up to keep their families together. In between the parents and the courts, the children suffer. "The most pressing problem facing kids with Lesbian and Gay parents is our isolation," says Suzanne Pullen, COLAGE's administrative assistant and herself the daughter of a Lesbian mother. "It isn't about an adult world of politics, it's about a kids' world of connecting and making friends who understand. It exposes kids all over the world to a community they are a product and a part of, in a way that they can relate to." * * * * * Looking to join a social support group for your family? Moms & Me -N- Dads Too has two sections that meet every second and fourth Monday of the month at the Annex of The Center: Junior Group, ages 0 to 6 years: Contact Lori Love (619) 565- 0065 Senior Group, ages 7 to 18 years: Contact Grace Vasquez-Sturm (619) 281-5600 COLAGE membership includes membership cards, t-shirts, and the FunPages, a quarterly publication similar to the kids pages in the Sunday paper. For more information, phone (415) 861- 5437.