From: [email-masked]
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 15:28:06 -0400

reprinted from update, southern california's oldest gay and lesbian weekly
for permission to reprint email [email-masked]

Is Motherhood At Risk In Our 
Community?

By Nina Robinson
For Update

A hare meeting a lioness one day said reproachfully, "I have 
always a great number of children, while you have but one or two 
now and then."
The lioness replied, "It is true, but my one child is a lion."
x Lokman (c. 1100 B.C.E.), Ethiopian fabulist

SAN DIEGO x As this day of celebration of motherhood 
approaches, there has never before in the history of this nation 
been such a cry of outrage and frustration from the segment of our 
Gay and Lesbian population that are raising children over the 
definition of what makes a parent "unfit". The American 
Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML), comprised of the 
nation's top 1,500 divorce and matrimonial law attorneys, has 
said that homosexuality in and of itself should not be a bar to 
custody of children.
"Any presumption that a homosexual parent is 'unfit' for 
custody simply by virtue of his or her homosexuality is a doctrine 
based upon prejudice and stereotypes which deprives a parent of 
fundamental rights and privileges guaranteed under the 
Constitution, while simultaneously ignoring the best interests of 
the child," the Academy has stated.
This view is not shared with the Virginia Supreme Court, which 
recently reversed a lower court ruling that would have allowed 
Sharon Bottoms, a Lesbian mother, to retain custody of her 
child, instead granting custody of the three year old to his 
maternal grandmother, Kay Bottoms.
Estimates are that there may be as many as 14 million Lesbian 
mothers and Gay fathers in this country alone. "Many of these are 
excellent parents and should not be denied the right to raise their 
children simply based on their sexual orientation," says Boston 
lawyer Gerald L. Nissenbaum, AAML's president. "There would 
be great harm to children if they were denied their right to be 
raised by their own parents, simply because a parent was Gay."
In a recent press release from the AAML, three approaches 
currently being taken by the courts in relation to custody by 
homosexual parents were highlighted. (1) Those states where 
homosexuality "per se," or in and of itself, is an unrebuttable 
presumption that a parent is unfit; (2) A middle ground 
approach, in which the parent's homosexuality, by itself, is not 
deemed to render the parent "unfit," but instead, the existence of 
a homosexual relationship is assumed to be an unsuitable 
environment (under such an approach, a homosexual parent 
may be granted the custody of his or her child, provided that he 
or she complies with certain judicially determined standards of 
behavior, usually involving refraining from associating with other 
known homosexuals in the presence of the child); and (3) Those 
states practicing what is called a "nexus" approach, which 
requires a finding of a proven adverse impact upon the child as a 
result of the parent's homosexuality to deny custody. It is 
imperative to note that the nexus approach implies that a 
homosexual parent might be found unfit for any of the reasons a 
heterosexual parent might be found unfit, but that such a standard 
protects the best interests of the child while not unnecessarily 
abridging constitutional rights or potentially removing a child 
from the atmosphere most beneficial to that child. 
The fact is, that as to actual child-rearing skills and the ability 
to provide an appropriate home environment, be it from a 
material, moral or spiritual viewpoint, recent research shows 
there is no difference between heterosexual and homosexual 
parents. Nowhere will you find a group that more fervently 
supports this opinion than the local group "Moms & Me -N- Dads 
Too".
"The purpose of our group," explains Carolina Ramos, one of 
the group's founders, "is to create a safe environment for our 
children and their Lesbian and Gay parents, along with their 
partners and to allow our families to socialize, express ideas freely 
and share common interests with one another." One would be 
hard-pressed to find a parent, homosexual or heterosexual, that 
did not believe that successfully raising a child in this day and age 
is a formidable challenge. And yet, this four-year-old support 
and social group is committed "to the well being and 
enhancement of our families through education, promoting 
positive family values and emotional support."
In the many issues facing the Gay community, one that is often 
times overlooked is the one of dealing with the emotions and 
stability of the child when a parent "comes out". "We came out 
but left our kids in the closet," Ramos continued. "Many of us 
[parents] weren't sure what the reaction to the children would be." 
Ramos touched briefly on the discrimination toward Lesbian 
and Gay parents and their children from, amazingly, within the 
Gay community. "Some Gays feel there should be no children in 
the community and wrinkle their noses. We were looked down 
upon at first when we began meeting at The Center. I even 
overheard one person say, "There goes the center x a lot of rug 
rats now." It was upsetting." Undaunted, the group has grown to 
include 90 families mostly by word of mouth.
Ramos and co-founder Amye Cubberly discovered that their 
children, like many children of divorced parents, had issues 
dealing with anger toward them, but have to deal additionally with 
"Gay bashing" within the schools. "It's a big process for children 
to say, "I have Lesbian/Gay parents." It's a big decision for them 
to "come out" about their parents to a teacher or principle." The 
older of the two sections of the group ("Junior" section is ages 0 to 
6 years, "Senior" section is 7 to 18 years) works with an agenda at 
their meetings to deal with questions and issues such as 'naming 
five things to do when you're Gay bashed'. The children 
themselves, while monitored by the parents, are allowed to 
converse freely to develop solutions and offer each other advice.
A San Francisco-based organization called "Children of 
Lesbians and Gays Everywhere (COLAGE)" works on a similar 
premise. Created six years ago by Stefan Lynch, himself a child of 
a Lesbian mother and a Gay father, the club focuses on the needs 
of teenagers. "Instead of dwelling on other people's ignorance, 
the club emphasizes the diversity of our family structures, racial 
backgrounds, economic levels and how kids came into the world 
in fun and engaging ways," Lynch described. "Despite the 
enormous numbers of children, books for kids with Lesbian and 
Gay parents, like Daddy's Roommate, is one of the most 
censored genres, being pulled from the shelves of libraries all 
over the country by members of the religious right who don't 
understand that Lesbian and Gay people can make valid and 
loving families."
Boasting a membership of over one thousand plus two dozen 
additional affiliated peer groups around the U.S., Canada, and 
Northern Europe, the population of Lesbian and Gay families 
with children is unarguably expanding and "coming out with 
children". Custody battles are now being waged in the forefront of 
the arena as Gay and Lesbian parents stand up to keep their 
families together. In between the parents and the courts, the 
children suffer. "The most pressing problem facing kids with 
Lesbian and Gay parents is our isolation," says Suzanne Pullen, 
COLAGE's administrative assistant and herself the daughter of a 
Lesbian mother. "It isn't about an adult world of politics, it's 
about a kids' world of connecting and making friends who 
understand. It exposes kids all over the world to a community they 
are a product and a part of, in a way that they can relate to."
* * * * *
Looking to join a social support group for your family? Moms & 
Me -N- Dads Too has two sections that meet every second and 
fourth Monday of the month at the Annex of The Center:
Junior Group, ages 0 to 6 years: Contact Lori Love (619) 565-
0065
Senior Group, ages 7 to 18 years: Contact Grace Vasquez-Sturm 
(619) 281-5600
COLAGE membership includes membership cards, t-shirts, 
and the FunPages, a quarterly publication similar to the kids pages 
in the Sunday paper. For more information, phone (415) 861-
5437.