Date: Fri, 19 Jun 1998 14:44:53 -0400 From: Chris Ambidge Subject: *Integrator* files for 1993 INTEGRATOR, the newsletter of Integrity/Toronto volume 93-7, issue date 1993 11 01 copyright 1993 Integrity/Toronto. The hard-copy version of this newsletter carries the ISSN 0843-574X Integrity/Toronto Box 873 Stn F Toronto ON Canada M4Y 2N9 == contents == [93-7-1] WHERE YOU GO, I WILL GO; WHERE YOU DWELL, I WILL DWELL / an anonymous tale of betrothal [93-7-2] READ ALL ABOUT IT! TASK FORCE REPORT PRINTED IN *The Anglican!* by Chris Ambidge [93-7-3] PATTI'S STORY [93-7-4] QU'APPELLE ANGLICANS CONSIDER SEXUAL ORIENTATION ISSUES / Other dioceses have also been working with their lesbian and gay members, as Bev Walpole reports: [93-7-5] US BISHOP AFFIRMS THAT HE IS A GAY MAN / excerpts from a letter by the Rt Rev Otis Charles [93-7-6] THE MONOGAMY MODEL: DOES SINGLE MEAN SECOND CLASS? / by Chris Ambidge [93-7-7] THE ELECTRONIC CATACOMB / by Chris Ambidge [93-7-8] AUTHOR IDENTIFIED!! ========= [93-7-1] WHERE YOU GO, I WILL GO; WHERE YOU DWELL, I WILL DWELL [This article was written by a newly-espoused couple somewhere in suburban Canada. It is deliberately anonymous, because it could have happened anywhere.] OCTOBER 1, 1993, 9:15PM. Outside, a gentle rain is falling, while inside a suburban Anglican church, my partner and I proclaim our love for each other in a private service with only God and the angels as our witnesses. Originally, when we decided we wanted to formalise our commitment to each other, we chose October 1, 1994 as the date. We then began to search for a place and a minister. For both of these, resources were limited. For while there are many places, mostly Anglican ones, which are very special or meaningful to us, they were not available for us to reveal and celebrate God's gift to each other in the presence of our friends and families. And there are many people, most of them Anglican priests, whom we would have loved to lead us through our vows and bless our union, the fulfilment of God's love. They are forbidden, however, to do this for us or any other gay or lesbian couple. So, after much frustration and, at times, anger on my part, my partner suggested a solution to our problem. We could exchange our vows on October 1, 1993, in an Anglican church, committing ourselves totally to each other in a private wedding service, with only the two of us present. After obtaining the priest's permission, we prepared a service that spoke of the love that we share for each other. At 9:15 pm, by candlelight, with Pachelbel's *Canon* playing softly in the background, and in front of the alter, we promised to love each other "from now until the end of time and beyond." What started out as a "gotcha!" for the Anglican church, turned into a very emotional, very romantic moment, and we felt the Presence of God with us as our two lives became one. The following evening, we attended a social event in the same Anglican church and had a friend take our wedding pictures in the church. They will be included in our album for next year's service. We rounded out the weekend by attending an AIDS Awareness service on Sunday. We held hands throughout the service, in the comfort of knowing that we were accepted as a couple by all present. We are now a married couple, and we know that it is the gift of God's love that we share and that this gift will continue to grow forever. God has truly blessed us in our meeting, in our courtship and especially in our marriage. We are still having a service next year on October 1st, one where our friends and families can share in the blessing of our union and where we will exchange in public the same vows that we made to each other privately. Our hopes are that a particular Anglican priest, who is very special to us, will agree to officiate at our wedding. However, this person may feel that, because of the restrictions placed on Anglican clergy participating in services celebrating same-sex unions, they cannot perform this service for us. If that does happen, we have been blessed again in having another friend (another Anglican priest), who is prepared to celebrate for us, using a variation on a familiar and accepted prayer for house blessings. I find myself getting very angry when I think of what we have had to go through, and continue to go through, so that we can be married. Our dream was to have the service in an Anglican church with candlelight and organ music (which, in fact, I provided after we said our vows). But in order to have this, we had to keep it a secret. It is time the Anglican church woke up and realised that many members of the community are leaving the institutional church because of the lack of sensitivity to us and to our needs, and the blatant denial of the God-given rites that belong to us just much as they do to the heterosexual community. I pray that the Holy Spirit will inspire the Anglican church and its powers-that-be into acknowledging our partnerships and recognising our commitments to one another. ======== [93-7-2] READ ALL ABOUT IT! TASK FORCE REPORT PRINTED IN *The Anglican!* by Chris Ambidge A MOTION WAS MADE at Toronto Diocesan Synod 1991 asking the Diocesan Executive Committee "to look into the position of lesbian and gay people within the diocesan family, with a view to making them feel more welcome by the Church in this Decade of Evangelism." As a result, Diocesan Executive Committee commissioned a Task Force to dialogue and to produce a parish resource. The Task Force, chaired by the Rev Alice Medcof, met many times between June 1992 and June 1993. There were 14 members, representing a broad spectrum of opinion, feeling and life-experience. I was one of the 14. In the course of the meetings, we discovered much common ground, and several areas where we could not agree. We all felt that, among other things, that hatred is not a Christian option, that Christians are called to be a community of reconciliation, and that the church must be welcoming. We were divided on the interpretation of scripture and the origins of hetero- and homosexuality. The Task Force has produced a resource, which will appear as an insert in *The Anglican* this month. We felt that producing a report which might be seen only by a few was not appropriate to the nature of our task: large numbers of the faithful need to hear, and do their own thinking and feeling about how they view their lesgay neighbours in the Church. *Bridge Building: Welcoming Lesbian Women and Gay Men in our church* will go directly to most Anglican homes in the diocese. It outlines the mandate of the Task Force, where we could agree, where we differed, and the ranges of opinion we found. We wanted other faithful Anglicans to see our struggle with the issues, maybe to find their own feelings represented, and to enter into the dialogue. The greater part of the report is taken up by four stories. Kate, Ron, David and Trevor had different experiences in the Church as homosexuals, and share part of their journeys in print. These first-person accounts are followed by a few short questions, points-to-ponder to help readers clarify their own feelings and attitudes to lesgays, and how they could be more welcomed. The Task Force had to deal with wanting to put lots of information in the hands of readers, on one hand; and the confines of a short, readable and attractive document on the other. As a result, two of the six stories chosen were edited out. One of them was Patti's Story (written by Patti Brace of Integrity/Kingston). It appears below. ======== [93-7-3] PATTI'S STORY I WAS ONE OF THE "GOOD" CHILDREN. I grew up with the Anglican church at the centre of my life -- choir, youth group, serving, diocesan youth activities, setting up hundreds of chairs and tables and carrying trays of sandwiches and squares for dozens of parish events. I loved my church and, as an adolescent when the first women were ordained in our diocese, felt called to be a priest. My relationship to my faith and church was quite uncomplicated -- my God loved Her people and desired justice for them, which was what I was supposed to carry out. At the same time, though, I was always aware of being something different from what I saw around me. That I didn't date simply indicated that I was a "good girl," or a nerd, depending on your perspective. Certainly the latter seemed reasonable to me. While I didn't have a clear sense of what that difference was, or a language to express it ("lesbian" wasn't in my vocabulary), I certainly was conscious of the necessity of not telling anyone that my adolescent crushes were on other girls in my high school. This state of obliviousness persisted until the my final year as an undergraduate, although by this time I had decided that whatever it was that made people loveable and able to love had been left out of me. When I finally linked the example of lesbian women around me with my own feelings I was terrified. Suddenly I had turned into one of the people it was OK to hate or dismiss with "you know, s/he's one of them." I couldn't reconcile this with my sense of myself as a good child in the eyes of my parents or my church. At this point also my relationship with God and the church were somewhat rocky. My desire for inclusive language and imagery and a less hierarchical understanding of the relations between people in the church made participation difficult. I also couldn't conceive of a loving God who could make me unlovable. At the time when I began to be conscious of my sexuality, though, I threw myself back into activities abandoned a couple of years before and became very "churchy" as a way of escaping. A couple of years later I stopped running away and came out. In many ways that decision has made life more complicated. It is almost as (un)popular to come out as Christian in a lesbian and gay community that feels very hurt by churches in general as it is to come out as lesbian in the church. However, it has opened up some new possibilities for bridging these communities, which has become increasingly important to me. At the moment, my relationship to the church is troubled. Sometimes I feel shut out -- that the church wants my time, my energy, my gifts, but not the part of me that loves. Having worked very hard to find and claim that and to see it as integral to my being, I can't separate that lesbian self without destroying the whole person God has made me. There have been joyful moments recently when "church people" have asked to hear my story and the stories of other gay and lesbian people, moments that have convinced me that the church I love is indeed a loving community of justice-seekers. ===== [93-7-4] QU'APPELLE ANGLICANS CONSIDER SEXUAL ORIENTATION ISSUES Other dioceses have also been working with their lesbian and gay members, as BEV WALPOLE reports: [BEV WALPOLE lives in Saskatchewan, and was one of the presenters at the first morning session of Synod. He has written for *Integrator* before, and has been a member of Integrity/Toronto for several years.] CAREFUL, SENSITIVE PLANNING by the diocesan task force on sexuality resulted in the successful introduction of issues related to the Christian understanding of homosexual orientation at the 1993 synod of the Anglican Diocese of Qu'Appelle held in Regina in October. Bishop Eric Bays' charge to the Synod was read by the Dean (Bishop Bays is unwell) to some 270 members of the church at St Paul's Cathedral. In his charge, Bishop Bays emphasised that the subject of homosexuality would often elicit deeply emotional responses. "There is a need for Anglicans to acknowledge this fact, and yet at the same time to find ways to enter into discussion that allows respect for a variety of opinions while seeking God's truth." Bishop Bays went on to stress the importance of informing ourselves about the discussion so we can make our own contributions to the work of the national group which in turn will report to the General Synod of the church in 1995. Since this was the first discussion within Qu'Appelle concerning sexual orientation, the focus was on opening dialogue rather than attempting formal resolutions and debate. A procedural motion was introduced to make sure that there would be no debate (but, rather, listening and dialogue) at this meeting of Synod). The motion, which was expected to be *pro forma*, was itself debated. One parish which vehemently opposes homosexuality distributed literature stating their position on the subject, and pressed for debate on sexual orientation and the church. The procedural motion was carried after several delegates spoke to the need for careful examination of all aspects of sexual orientation without pressure to make decisions that might later be regretted. The presentation format for introducing sexual orientation issues consisted of two parts. The first morning, four presenters related their life stories to the group. No questioning or discussion was permitted at this time as each speaker told of growing up gay or lesbian in an often hostile environment, both on the outside and within the church. Each spoke of rejection, lies and deceit and their respective faith journeys. All spoke poignantly of their struggle to accept themselves and to establish their place with God, the church and society. One woman related her struggle within the United Church and reminded delegates of the difficult process her denomination began in the 1980s. An ordained minister, she told of being rejected by congregations to whom she provided service, and of the strength she gained from her personal faith. A middle aged man spoke of feeling like a small child watching his family from a distance, knowing he was rejected for who he is. A young woman seminarian, taking a different approach, talked of her conviction that she had been healed of lesbianism through her faith in Jesus. The presentation s ended with a young man telling of his struggle to belong to a religious order, but finally leaving when he came to understand the only way he could remain was to live a lie, deceive and deny his own God-given nature. Synod members sat in electrified silence as one by one the guest speakers laid open their lives before the assembly. Throughout the rest of synod, some of the presenters remained available for private consultation with members and guests. On day two, Professor Terry Donaldson of the College of Emmanuel and St Chad in Saskatoon offered two opposite ways to approach this difficult issue from a biblical perspective. Afterwards, synod members had an opportunity to voice their positions and concerns. Most who addressed the group spoke in favour of careful consideration by parishes of the issues surrounding sexual orientation. In a brief and powerful statement to those present, Canon Helena Houldcroft of Regina (who chairs the church's National Task Force) encouraged parishes to give careful consideration to lesbians, gays and bisexuals, their orientation and related concerns. She cautioned the group not to confuse issues of sexual orientation with those of sexual abuse, and to be clear in understanding what is meant in each instance. Comments made privately by many individuals in attendance revealed genuine interest in working towards inclusion of lesbigays in the church and recognition of us as a whole people Although many questions remain for delegates, there seemed to develop a desire to get to know us as persons, and to learn about our lives and our struggles for affirmation within the Anglican Communion. The work is expected to continue over the next two years in the parishes. The Diocese of Qu'Appelle ministers to just under 29 500 Anglicans in southern Saskatchewan. It is one of three dioceses in the civil province, and part of the ecclesiastical province of Rupert's Land. ======== [93-7-5] US BISHOP AFFIRMS THAT HE IS A GAY MAN [BISHOP OTIS CHARLES, retired bishop of Utah, and later Dean of the Episcopal Divinity School, has come out as a gay man. He wrote to all the bishops of the Episcopal Church in the USA in September of this year, just before the House of Bishops met in Panama City. Integrity was given the text of that letter. Here are some excerpts:] For 45 years I struggled with my sexual identity. In the isolation and darkness, I felt that there must be something wrong with me. I turned to others for help. I prayed with all my heart to be healed. Nothing changed. I was still me, pulled apart inside by feelings I schooled myself to believe were unnatural. Then God did a marvellous and wonderful work in my life. ... I prayed that I might be delivered -- and God heard my prayer. I was healed. To my surprise it was not from homosexuality, but from my fear of myself, from my discomfort about who I am. It was a charismatic moment for me. ... I have promised myself that I will not remain silent, invisible, unknown. After all is said and done, the choice for me is not whether or not I am a gay man, but whether or not I am honest about who I am with myself and others. It is a choice to take down the wall or silence I have built around an important and vital part of my life, to end the separation and isolation I have imposed on myself all these years. It is a choice to live my life as consistently as I can with my own integrity, a choice to be fully who I am and to be responsible for all that I am. ... I am aware that the reactions to my openness about my sexuality will encompass the whole range of emotion and opinion. For those for whom homosexuality is an incomprehensible (or even reprehensible) aspect of human behaviour, there may be a sense of shock and perhaps revulsion and sadness. For those for whom the expression of their sexuality as gay and lesbian men and women has been long hidden, suppressed, and scorned, there may be a sense of affirmation and perhaps even victory. Beyond the reactions, beyond any sense of winning or losing, beyond any opinions and feelings about what is right and what is wrong, I would hope for people to be able finally to see in my story neither a victory nor a loss, but a fellow human being and Christian on the journey that life is, a human being subject to all the feelings of joy and sorrow, of pain and wonder, of love and fear, a human being doing his best to follow his heart and his Lord and to live a life of integrity and service to others. ... Because we [the church] are a people of faith, our quarrels have at times taken place as theological and moral arguments -- after ignoring or even threatening the very ties of brotherly and sisterly love that binds us together as a community of believers. But precisely because we are a community of faith, bound to one another in that faith, I believe God is breaking the walls of separation. The Spirit is drawing us to a new understanding and experience of inclusion. I also believe God has drawn me to speak the truth of my experience. And I believe that as gay men and lesbians speak openly, telling the stories of their lives, the community of faith is strengthened. As for the future, I expect to continue to live my life in the context of my calling as a priest and bishop. ... I count on your continued prayers and support. Otis Charles September 1993 ======== [93-7-6] THE MONOGAMY MODEL: DOES SINGLE MEAN SECOND CLASS? by Chris Ambidge WHEN LESGAY CHRISTIANS talk to the rest of the church about ourselves, we often speak of those of us who are in monogamous partnerships. Fair enough. After hearing a few such examples, though, a question that springs to mind is "what about those of us who aren't partnered? What about those of us who are single -- either by chance or by choice?" It seems to me that when we ask what the church has to say to lesgay people, we also ought to ask what it has to say to those of us who are not partnered, or not in monogamous relationships. Example: In my more ascetic moments in my twenties, I tried to refrain from masturbation. When I fell off the wagon, and my humanity inevitably re-asserted itself, I felt very guilty for a while. I now see that self-denial as being anti-incarnational, denying the body that God gave me. I now ask the question, would denying myself two-person sexual pleasure not also be anti- incarnational? I have seen people who feel that they must remain sexually abstinent, often with little or no experience of physical love. To balance that, I know people who have decided after being open to two-person sexual activity that this is not for them at this time. I would call that "informed consent" to abstinence, and can support it. I don't think I can support the charismatic, "no, no, it's a sin" decision, though. The latter seems to bring misery, when the abstinent one finds him/herself in a position of reeely reeeeely wanting to become active with one person. Hunger makes them perhaps not the best judge of what is good and bad by way of relationships. The monogamy model has been criticised by some in the lesgay community as imitating the heterosexual model with half the pronouns reversed (so to speak). I am far from objecting to monogamy, but I do wonder about the people who don't fit into this model. What ARE we saying to each other, and to our young? That we should just-date-and-not-do-anything (certainly nothing below the waist) until after marriage (or whatever analogy may exist for lesgays)? It seems to me that a Ward-and-June Cleaver picture, retouched for same-gender couples, represents neither what we are, nor what we should aim for. Example: A friend of mine, Don, told me that after being in a relationship for a year, his partner Graham had broached the possibility of it becoming an open relationship -- one where sexual activity with third persons is accepted (usually with some conditions attached). Don had come to the relationship with considerably more experience than Graham, including some longer- term partnerships. Don told me his relationships had been rewarding (as well as fun), and he didn't want to deny Graham the opportunity for similar joy and growth. I have heard that many long-lasting same sex partnerships have some kind of openness built into the covenant between the two, and it is sometimes argued that things that are flexible can withstand external forces more readily than things that are rigid. Example: In adolescence, heterosexual young people indulge in sexual play. Lesgay young people may or may not be doing so these days, but for me -- well, I was pretty repressed, and found myself behaving in a very adolescent way when I was in my thirties, just after I came out, when it became permissible to me to think of other men as potential partners. I've seen an awful lot of lesgays enter a late adolescence when they finally get to enter "the life" of a homosexual person. I appear to be saying here (and indeed in my life, actions speaking louder than words) that sexual activity outside a committed, monogamous, and potentially life-long, partnership is indeed OK. Perhaps I am advocating "responsible sexual play" for all. (It would be nice, though, if we all got to act as teenagers in our chronological teens, since by the time we're middle-aged, other things may be constraining our activity!) So, how do we, as Christians, think people should behave in a sexual way? Do we promulgate virginity/complete abstinence until we're coupled? That doesn't seem to have much by way of biblical background [There are literally scores of different relationship models in the bible. Watch for an article in *Integrator* in the next few months]. Sex is pretty popular, as Miss Manners points out, has been so for thousands of years, and shows no sign of diminishing in popularity. Do we think relationships with possible sexual contact are "occasion to sin"? Or do we think, "Sure, go ahead (always with safety in mind)"? Some of the arguments issued from the virginity corner are essentially saying "you mustn't be promiscuous", sometimes adding, "that won't make you any friends in the heterosexual community, because they have stereotypes of homos rutting like rabbits all the time." I realise that this is kindly meant. However, I have to live for myself, not by being afraid of what-the-neighbours- might-think. Maybe a little discussion on what promiscuity IS would be in order: my Oxford dictionary defines it as "having casual sexual relations with many people". It is a loaded and a relative term. I am only being partially facetious when I define promiscuous as "someone who has more sexual partners than I do". You know the comparisons -- I am sexually active, you are promiscuous, he is a slut. I must admit that when I hear the P word used in some circles, it comes with a distinct "holier-than-thou" tone, and I think that that is an offshoot of the un-holy body/soul dichotomy, which is downright anti-incarnational. I have not found myself a life-partner, and to be told that I must NOT do anything sexual until I do, by people who are in relationships, can be perceived as smug on their part. When I'm told "NO!", I feel like the proverbial kid outside the candy store, with my nose squashed flat against the window. The implicit message from those inside is "no, this is special, this is only for me, and those like me." I know from personal experience that sexual communion with a beloved other is a Good Thing. I would not have given up that experience for the world. I'm not saying that I go out hunting, looking-for-to-get-laid all the time. But I do want to remain open to a sexual dimension to my relationships with close friends (this, by the way, is not a cast of thousands, nor am I bedding several people alternately). I get the feeling, though, that in many people's minds, those who are coupled are first-class citizens, those who are celibate are class 1B, and those like me are regarded by churchypeople as second-class. I guess you can tell I don't like that. I haven't said much about God in this. But words to the contrary, God is in my internal theologising on the matter, closer to me than any human lover could be. What does the church have to say to me? What does the church, by which I mean body-of-all-the-faithful, have to say to lesgay people (and others, for that matter) who are uncoupled, whether by choice, or by chance? I have asked a lot of questions, and I don't pretend to have all (or even most) of the answers. I am speaking here only for myself, and not for Integrity/ Toronto. I hope that these questions set you thinking. I would appreciate feedback, and continuing the discussion: please write to *Integrator* at PO Box 873, Station F, Toronto M4Y 2N9. ======== [93-7-7] THE ELECTRONIC CATACOMB by Chris Ambidge THE ELECTRONIC ERA IS HERE. Many computer networks have sprung up, as rapidly as new suburbs in a housing boom. All anyone needs to link up with this world is a computer, a modem (to enable it to communicate over phone lines) and an account on one of the many computer networks. Thus equipped, they can talk to people the world over, almost instantaneously, by electronic mail. E-mail and computer bulletin boards have established whole communities where people gather to talk about areas of common interest, from the latest in molecular biology to hockey to current politics. These people get to know each other -- they may be thousands of kilometres apart physically, but in talking, they are as close as the computer keyboard. When people move into new housing estates, they take their churches with them. St David's Downtown gives rise to St Stephen's-in-the-Suburbs -- or in this case, St Catharine's-of- the-Computer. New faith communities advertise their presence to the new neighbours, and many on the Internet have recently read the electronic flyer reproduced at the right. LUTI is an electronic meeting place for people of faith who accept lesbian/gay/bisexual people. Some participants are homosexual, some are heterosexual. We talk about things important to us as people of faith. We pray with and for each other. We laugh and joke. We rage and weep and mourn our dead. We share words from outside, posting articles and sermons gleaned from hither and yon (indeed, several articles printed in *Integrator* this past year have come via LUTI). If you would like to join, send a message as outlined in the flyer -- or send e-mail to me. My Internet address is ambidge@ecf.utoronto.ca = = = = = = = = ATTENTION LESBIGAY CHRISTIANS: Tired of Being Fed to the Lions? Fed up with being burned? Put away your asbestos sneakers for a while and come to our prayer-lit electronic catacomb, LUTI. God is here, as the Holy Spirit, and here God dares to love absolutely everyone. You don't even have to speak or be known. If you need to, you may sit in the corner and lick your wounds. Lo, everyone that thirsts, come, drink eternal water which Jesus revealed at Samaritan wells! For a guide away from the Coliseum down the Appian Way, send e- mail to Louie Crew with the SUBJECT: "LUTI, yes". The address is lcrew@andromeda.rutgers.edu or from CompuServe, the address is: >INTERNET:lcrew@andromeda.rutgers.edu No one will check your plumbing. In this space we know one another not by whether we are Jew or Greek, male or female, straight or gay, pigmented privileged or pigmented vulnerable.... but by whether we love one another. Come, be the church with us. ======== [93-7-8] AUTHOR IDENTIFIED!! *Integrator* is published in electronic form on LUTI, and one of the readers recognised last month's article Crucifixion: An Easter AIDS Story. It was the Good Friday 1989 sermon of Molly McGreevy, Pastoral Assistant at St Luke's in-the-Fields, New York City. ======== End of volume 93-7 of Integrator, the newsletter of Integrity/Toronto copyright 1993 Integrity/Toronto comments please to Chris Ambidge, Editor chris.ambidge@utoronto.ca OR Integrity/Toronto Box 873 Stn F Toronto ON Canada M4Y 2N9