Date: Thu, 15 Aug 1996 21:08:56 -0400 (EDT) From: "Ray L. Moyer" Description: personal change of attitude to G/L after death of brother (Mennonite Church) Fifteen Reasons Why I Have Changed My Mind by Roberta Showalter Kreider (copyright May 1995) In August of 1984, my youngest brother, who had been my childhood playmate, died with AIDS. Just two weeks earlier, while visiting him in the hospital, he told my husband and I his lifelong secret. He was gay and had always been gay. I have wished many times since that brief encounter with the person he really was that we could have been granted more time so that he could help me understand this complex reality. But for some reason (possibly my own pious and judgmental attitude that kept him from sharing this secret with me) our time of unmasked openness with each other was limited to a few short hours. Yet it was freeing for both of us to realize that when the secret was out in the open, we loved each other more deeply than ever before. Because this issue touched me so personally, I began to search and try to understand the gay/lesbian issue. It has only been within the last two or three years that I began to see that the beliefs I had held all my life might not be absolutely correct. I want to share with you the reasons why I have changed my mind. 1. The testimony of my brother's wife. My sister-in-law did not allow the tragic death of her husband to make her bitter. Nor did she shrink into oblivion and live as a recluse. She had only a few months to adjust to the truth about who her husband really was. That time became a time of new openness, understanding, and compassion between them. After his death she sought out his gay friends and learned to know them. She sat by the bedsides of persons dying with AIDS and ministered to them. She became director of pastoral care of an organization that promotes understanding and caring for these afflicted persons. She began to share her story and became an advocate for gay and lesbian persons. Families with homosexual members began to come to her for understanding and counsel. She has touched the lives of many persons throughout the United States and Canada because of her compassionate understanding. Today she serves as associate pastor of a Mennonite Church in Denver, CO. In our discussions together she has helped me to a new and deeper understanding of Scripture on this issue. 2. The testimony of my brother's life. My brother was an excellent nurse. We had not known about the special contributions he had made to the nursing profession until some of his colleagues shared this information during the memorial service. The Governor of Kansas sent a letter of condolence to his wife and children with appreciation for his services as Executive Administrator of the State Board of Nursing. When he died he was Associate Executive Director of the National Council of State Boards of Nursing. He was a respected member of his church. When they learned his lifelong secret, they did not shun him, but made it possible for him to die at home through their round-the-clock care for him and his family. 3. The testimony of Peter to the Church at Jerusalem concerning fraternizing with Gentiles (Acts 10:1-11:18). Circumcision was at the heart of God's covenant with Abraham (Genesis 17:9-14). It was the sign of the everlasting covenant between God and his people. The importance of this rite is emphasized in Genesis 17:14: ''Any uncircumcised male who is not circumcised...shall be cut off from his people; he has broken my covenant.'' This became such an important doctrine of the Jewish faith that to eat or fellowship with an uncircumcised Gentile was unthinkable. So we can understand Peter's consternation with God's object lesson (repeated three times) that he was to do something contrary to what he had always taught and believed firmly to be right. Peter was called to account for his actions by the circumcised believers in Jerusalem. Step by step, he told how God led him to act contrary to the tradition and teaching of the church when he went to the home of a Gentile. Then he said, ''And as I began to speak, the Holy Spirit fell upon them just as it had upon us at the beginning. If then God gave them the same gift that he gave us when we believed in the Lord Jesus Christ, who was I that I could hinder God?'' (Acts 11:15 & 17). I thank God that Peter was willing to risk his reputation and position as a leader of the church to follow the truth God was leading him to. If Peter had not obeyed, where would we Gentiles be today? 4. New insights in books and articles written by Biblical scholars. As I looked to God to guide me, more and more resources were brought to my attention. I will list a few for anyone who wants to begin a deeper study of this issue: Barnett, Walter. _Homosexuality and the Bible: An Interpretation._ Wallingford, PA: Pendle Hill Publications, Pamphlet #226, 1979. ''Christians and Homosexuality: Dancing Toward the Light,'' special issue of _The Other Side_ magazine, 300 W. Apsley, Philadelphia, PA, 1994. Hill, Leslie. _Marriage: A Spiritual Leading for Lesbian, Gay, and Straight Couples._ Wallingford, PA: Pendle Hill Publications, Pamphlet #308, 1993. Scanzoni, Letha and Virginia Ramey Mollenkott. _Is the Homosexual My Neighbor? Another Christian View._ San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1978, 1994. Scroggs, Robin. _The New Testament and Homosexuality_. Philadelphia: Fortress Press, 1983. 5. The testimony of an associate pastor of a church that provides a 'safe haven' for all people. This friend and I worked together for several years in our conference offices. My husband and I went to visit the church at Germantown and had an interview with this pastor. When I asked her how she had come to believe that it was right to include homosexual persons as members, she replied, ''My parental home was always an open and welcoming home. So I learned to accept all people.'' Further dialogue with her helped me understand why this congregation had to risk the censure of the conference body in order to follow the way God was leading them. 6. Personal witness of Christian gay and lesbian persons. The video, _Body of Dissent_, prepared by the Brethren/Mennonite Council for Lesbian and Gay Concerns (BMC), helped me get in touch with the personal struggle and pain of persons who are born with this homosexual orientation. I also read the book, _Stranger at the Gate: How to be Christian and Gay in America_, by Mel White. The next step was to personally learn to know gays and lesbians. In all the years I wanted to learn to know these people so _I_ could help them change, God brought only one to me and he did not need my help to change. Now that I have allowed God to change me I have many gay and lesbian friends. Their lives have greatly enriched mine. I continue to be challenged by their sincere desire to know and honor God. 7. Testimony of ''straight'' members of a ''safe haven'' church. The members we have talked to from the Germantown Mennonite Church, who are of heterosexual orientation, have assured us that they do indeed see evidence of the Holy Spirit's work in the lives of the gays and lesbians who worship with them. Because God has given the witness of his Spirit within his homosexual children, they cannot refuse membership to them. 8. Testimony of parents of gays and lesbians. We are continuing to meet more and more of these parents. I never before realized how many children of this sexual orientation are born to families who are highly regarded as sound ''Biblical'' families in our Mennonite Churches. These sons and daughters are neither rebelling against God, their families, or the church. I have been much impressed by the quality of relationships among these family members. Most of the parents we know are very supportive of their children. My husband and I attended a BMC Connecting Families Weekend recently. This is a group of families from Brethren and Mennonite Churches (a few were present from other denominations), who meet together once a year to learn from and support one another. One couple we met had been members of a Mennonite Church, but when their lesbian daughter was not accpeted, they supported her by going to a denomination that would welcome them all. How sad that such gifted persons needed to find fellowship elsewhere! I had the privilege of sitting in with a small group of mothers who have lesbian daughters. Each mother shared the ''gift'' that her daughter has been to her. The relationships expressed were, without exception, very loving and warm. 9. Testimony of Christians Throughout the Broader Church. Letters to ''Readers Say'' (_Gospel Herald_) and ''Viewpoint'' (_Mennonite Weekly Review_) have strengthened and added more insights to the truth I have been seeking. Especially meaningful to me have been the letters written by persons who at various times in my life have walked ''the path'' with me. 10. Loving, committed relationships of same sex monogamous partnerships. My husband and I have been blessed with the privilege of being a guest in one of these homes. There we also met other couples. We are inspired by their love and respect for each other. 11. Actual ''success'' rate of ex-gay ministries. I am certain that ministries designed to ''help'' these persons change do help some to change. People, who have much more knowledge on this subject than I, describe it as a continuum, where at one end are persons completely heterosexual, at the other end, completely homosexual, with varying degrees toward the center. Those nearest the center are the ones who are able to change. Many persons say, ''But God can change all of them.'' My friends have earnestly prayed for God to help them change, but they have finally found peace by accepting themselves as persons created by God to honor him. In this acceptance they have come to a new realization of God's love for them. 12. Contributions to the Church and society by gay and lesbian persons. King James I of England, who authorized the revered King James Version of the Bible, was homosexual. So also were artists, Michelangelo, who painted the frescoes on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, and Leonardo daVinci, painter of ''The Lord's Supper.'' On the lesbian side are Willa Cather, a writer, and James Miranda Barry, the first British woman doctor, who passed as a man all her life to avoid the consequences of full disclosure. (quoted from _Homosexuals in History_ by A. L. Rowfe and _Lesbian Lives_ by Barbara Grier and Coletta Reid in _Is the Homosexual my Neighbor?_ (p. 30ff). 13. The church has been wrong before. Yes, I know the church has voted and usually that settles it for me, but this time it doesn't. Years ago my father was denied church membership because, as a banker, he wrote insurance policies. (Some of the persons who voted him out came to him for insurance). Later when that no longer seemed to be ''sin,'' the church leaders again considered if he might be a member. That time he did not want to take off his tie. So my family suffered the consequences of that decision. I'm sure that many of you in my age group (65-75) can recall other instances where the church has been wrong. In the days of slavery some church people used the Bible to prove that it was right to own slaves. Other church people laid their lives on the line to provide ''an underground railroad'' to freedom for many slaves. Today my husband and I feel God has called us to put our lives on the line in a different way. We do not like conflict and feel much more comfortable when brothers and sisters live together in peace. But we cannot accept the kind of peace that shames our homosexual brothers and sisters for being who they are (using terms borrowed from Lewis B. Smedes in his book, _Shame and Grace_.) 14. I know what it feels like to be judged a sinner. While suffering for years a strange and puzzling illness, a loved family member wrote several letters to us telling me that I could get well if I would ''quit my sinning.'' My sins were sins of dress, etc. I knew then (and still know) that I am accepted and loved by God, for his own Spirit affirms that truth to me. But I know how painful and frustrating it is to be told, ''God cannot accept you because you do not live the way I interpret the Bible.'' I'm sure I've done my share of making people feel rejected by God with my own narrow interpretations and for that, I'm truly sorry. If I would have followed Jesus' new commandment to love others just as he loves me (John 13:34) and if my church could have trusted God to do the judging, I believe my brother might be alive today. After an intense day of debating this issue in our conference that ended with a majority vote to make the Germantown Congregation a ''second class'' congregation, we ate dinner at a local restaurant with one of our friends. As we shared feelings and experiences together, he said, ''I always enjoy the peace of 'back roads' of the countryside, but today I'll be glad to get back to Philadelphia WHERE I CAN FEEL SAFE AGAIN.'' Quite an indictment on a church meeting where we were urged to ''hate the sin, but love the sinner.'' 15. The life and teachings of Jesus. Now I come to the most important reason of all. I see no condemnation for those of homosexual orientation in the words of Jesus, my Lord and model. I do see and hear condemnation for those who interpreted the Scriptures and formed their own human laws. But I see only love and identifying with all persons who were marginalized and shamed by others. In answer to a lawyer's question about which commandment in the law was the greatest, Jesus said, '' 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the greatest and first commandment. And second is like it: 'You shall love your neighbor as yorself.' On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets'' (Matthew 22:37-40.) I am sick and tired of the terms ''heterosexual" and "homosexual'' and I long for the day when we no longer label one another, but reach out in love and caring concern for each other, admitting that we don't have all the answers, but trusting God to show us how to listen to each other and accept each other with love, allowing each person to have the freedom that God gives to all of us. I wonder what history will record about the decisions made by the church in 1995. I believe God is weeping for his children. S/Roberta Showalter Kreider - May 1995 PS. To All Who May Read This Article: In sharing my experience I want to make it VERY clear that I am not advocating promiscuity of any kind. Nor am I making a case for partners in a ''mixed'' marriage (hetero/homo) to separate. But considering the pain and heartache that is usually a part of those marriages, I feel it would be much better if they were never entered into in the first place. I am saying that God gives each of us freedom of choice and his Spirit's guidance to make GOOD choices. Therefore, in my opinion, the church should bless covenanted, same-sex, committed relationships between two persons who are sincerely seeking to do God's will. APPENDIX More Resources Aarons, Leroy. _Prayers for Bobby: A Mother's Coming to Terms with the Suicide of Her Gay Son_. San Francisco: Harper, 1995. Bess, Rev. Howard H. _Pastor, I Am Gay_. Palmer, Alaska: Palmer Publishing Co,., 1995 Boswell, John. _Christianity, Social Tolerance and Homosexuality: Gay People in Western Europe from the Beginning of the Christian Era to the Fourteenth Century_. Chicago and London: The University of Chicago Press, 1980. Cole, Beverly. _Cleaning Closets: A Mother's Story_. St. Louis, MO: Chalice Press, 1995. Greaser, Frances Bontrager. _And a Time to Die_. Scottdale, PA: Herald Press, 1995. Hostetler, Helen M. _A time to LOVE: When AIDS takes a son, a friend_. Scottdale, PA: Herald Press, 1989. Marcus, Eric. _Is It a Choice? Answers to 300 of the Most Frequently Asked Questions About Gays and Lesbians_. San Francisco: Harper San Francisco, 1993. VIDEOS _Body of Dissent: Lesbian and Gay Mennonites Continue the Journey_. (39 min.) Toronto: Video Productions, 1994. Available from BMC, Box 6300, Minneapolis, MN 55406. (612) 305-0315. _Straight From the Heart: Stories of parents' journeys to a new understanding of their lesbian and gay children_. (23:54) Available from MOTIVATIONAL MEDIA, c/o PFLAG Pittsburgh, P.O. Box 54, Verona, PA 15147. (412) 363-8839.