From WillNich@aol.com Wed Mar 8 23:43:35 1995 Return-Path: Received: from mail06.mail.aol.com by casti.com (8.6.9/NX3.0M) id XAA28634; Wed, 8 Mar 1995 23:43:34 -0500 From: Received: by mail06.mail.aol.com (1.37.109.11/16.2) id AA068834133; Wed, 8 Mar 1995 23:42:13 -0500 Date: Wed, 8 Mar 1995 23:42:13 -0500 Message-Id: <950308234211_43870436@aol.com> To: rwockner@netcom.com, 73207.200@compuserve.com, 72134.646@compuserve.com, QRD@vector.casti.com, baywindo@world.std.com, dminko@echonyc.com, gmrp93a@prodigy.com, glb-news@brownvm.brown.edu, bclaxton@sun.cc.westga.edu, sfbaytimes@igc.apc.org, Fruitloop@aol.com Cc: Lgalst@aol.com, summers@rt66.com, alternet@igc.apc.org, Labrys1slc@aol.com, ATHONK@delphi.com Subject: 76 Abominations The following article is being submitted to publications around the country free of charge for possible use in upcoming publications. The actual list of biblical abominations was obtained through DeaconMac. I simply reworked them into something a little more amusing than a simple list of abominations (which you can get at any bible store these days). Please let us know if you decide to reprint it. The reference to Kentucky court houses can be changed to any other state, as well as the reference to Frank Simon, at the end of the piece, to your favorite local homophobe. Enjoy! David Dawson (pseudonym) 76 ABOMINATIONS LED THE BIG PARADE... by David Dawson, with thanks to Deacon Mac (AOL) According to the way the religious right looks at the Bible, male-to-male sex is an abomination in the eyes of God. (On the other hand, God thinks lesbians are A-OK). But what about the other 75 abominations listed in that book? They can't be all that bad, can they? Well... For starters, did you know it's an abomination to eat anything that comes out of a pig (especially if it kind of smells), forbidden meat (otherwise known as mystery meat), or unkosher seafood, birds, insects, creeping animals, snakes and lizards? I had no idea Pat Robertson ate kosher. It's also an abomination for Jews to break bread with Egyptians. I guess this means the peace treaty is off. And whatever you do, don't go to Egypt and hire on as a shepherd (the pay is horrible). Hell, you can't even sacrifice to those durned Egyptians! Oh, there's the usual abominations you see around most county courthouses in Kentucky: lying, cheating, mocking people, plotting evil, sowing discord among your brothers, serving as a false witness, being too eager to do wrong, abandoning evil to fools, justifying wickedness and condemning the just, being unjust to the just, being righteous to the wicked, pride, haughtiness, and murder. In case the writers of the Bible missed something, they said that just being out and out wicked is also an abomination. Jesse Helms, beware! Unfair weights, measures and scales are an abomination (unless they're in your favor). So are gifts from the wicked, the ways of the wicked, even the thoughts of the wicked. In other words, stay away from politicians. The earnings of male and female prostitutes are also an abomination--especially if they go through your pockets while you're in the bathroom peeing. It's also an abomination to cross dress. I know. I did it. I was. Abominable people include any friends of David (now I know why no one calls me any more), violent men, any king who does evil, any guy who remarries his former wife after she's been married to some other dude, people who are too froward, immoral people, and people with lying lips (like my last trick!) If I were you, I'd think again before defaming God's inheritance or indulging in idolatry, adultery, or idolatry (again, in another verse). And I don't think I'd worship idols, another god, idols inside the temple, engage in idol worshipping (again), or serve or sacrifice to other gods (didn't they say something about that already?) If you've flouted the law, you might as well forget about praying. And you better think twice before you marry that heathen woman sipping beer over there in the corner. If you want to worship other gods or the sun, the moon, and the stars, or practice necromancy, be my guest: just go to your basement immediately if a meterologist comes on the air. Thinking about building an altar to Baal and then sacrificing your kids to Molech on it? I'd advise against it, particularly if you're unrepentant: the neighbors might get suspicious and call 911. Creating graven images can be fun, if you're not too worried about getting abominated, but better not have them lying around the house, especially if they're made of wood. Stone is better. And for god's sake don't do the "horrible thing" while standing in the temple. This thing is so horrible, they won't even tell you what it is, but whatever it is, don't do it! (Sounds like something Sister Mary Gardenia told us in 6th grade). So, what about sacrificing blemished animals, you ask? Surely that can't be an abomination, especially when it's so hard to get good goat meat these days? Need you ask? Who wants to eat a goat with strange looking spots on it, anyway? Finally, it's not a good idea to worship Milcom, god of the Ammonites; Chemosh, god of Moab; Ashtoreth, god of the Zidonians; Chemosh, god of the Moabites (is that different from Moab?); and Milcom, god of the Ammonites (see Abomination #73). If you do, as penance you'll have to say fifty Frank Simons--and then call him in the morning.