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"Gay recruiters in demand?" by Doug Mason from Detours on the Street-April 1, 
1993 (reprinted for educational purposes only)

At a County Commission meeting on March 22, an ugly mob
helped bully through a resolution to oppose a U.S. Senate bill that would amend 
the Civil Rights Act to include homosexuals and bisexuals.

According to mob spokespersons, gays don't need special protection because 
they're not a politically powerless minority.  They said this conclusion was 
arrived at through "statistics that indicate on average, gays (have) more
college degrees and higher incomes than the general population."

That's an argument?  Don't give gays special treatment because they're already 
smarter than us anyway?

Since an education and a good job are what parents want for their children, 
maybe they should seek out these Gay Recruiters the fundamentalists are always 
warning us about.

Picture this: a middle-age woman, very prim and proper, eyes a busy street in 
the city's business district.  She spots and approaches a handsome, well-dressed
man carring a briefcase.

"Excuse me, young man, but I couldn't help notice you leaving that bistro.  The 
one with all the ferns.  It's a 'gay bar,' isn't it?"

"Uh, yes ma'am.  You don't have a problem with that, I hope?"

"Actually I do.  Or at least I did.  Well, no, I still do... Oh, I'm getting so 
flustered.  Let me explain:  I would like for you to recruit my son, Billy.  
He's 12."

"Recruit him?  To do what?"

"Become a homosexual, of course."

"You *want* your son to become a homosexual?  That's a pretty unusual request.  
Mind if I ask why?"

"My husband and I attended a church-sponsored 'No More Sodoms' rally and...Oh, 
sorry.  No offense to your people."

"We thank you.  Go on."

"Well, the pastor said that more gays are college-educated and have good jobs."

"Than who?"

"You know...*normal* people."

"Of course."

"Well, Billy's grades aren't very good.  And now he says he doesn't want to go 
to college!  We worry about his future. After what the preacher said, we thought
maybe it might help if he...developed an interest in boys."

"I really don't think that has anything to do..."

"We've already made him get an earring--in his right ear, of course.  And we 
bought him a Jason Priestly poster.  He keeps flipping Spaghetti-O's at it.  But
at least he hasn't set fire to it like he did the Joey Lawrence doll, so we feel
we've made some progress.  But we need professional help."

"And that would be me?"

"If only you would.  We'd be most grateful."  She fumbles for her purse.  "Will 
there be a fee?"

"No.  We're fully funded.  Malcolm Forbes left us a bundle just for this sort of
thing."

"How nice!  Then you'll help?"

"We'll review your case but I can't promise anything.  There *are* standards, 
you know.  Does your son like show tunes?"

"No.  He won't even listen to Amy Grant.  Only that awful black rape music."

"I think you mean rap.  That is a problem.  Still, we've cracked worse cases.  
You've heard of Boy George?  Before his parents called us, he had two paternity 
suits pending-- and a bad spitting problem.  We'll vote on your case at our next
meeting.  I'll be in touch."

"Thank you!...But there is just one more thing."

"Please hurry, ma'am.  I have to deprogram a Playboy Channel junkie at 6."

"I'll hurry.  It's about my daughter.  Alice.  She's 15..."

"Sorry, I'm not allowed to cross-recruit.  Check with Local 18.  They handle 
dykes.  In the meantime, get her a short haircut and a pair of Birkenstocks, put
her on a high-starch diet--and just hope nature takes its course."