Subject: PFLAG - Home for the Holidays
From: [email-masked]
Date: Fri, 12 Dec 1997 16:57:56 -0600

Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)

Dec. 12, 1997                                           Contact: Janice Hughes
For Immediate Release                                   202-638-4200 x225

HOLIDAY SURVIVAL TIPS TO WARM UP FAMILY REUNIONS

Special survival skills are needed on ALL sides when lesbians and gays
reunite with their families and loved ones during the holidays, says
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) President Nancy
McDonald.

"The holidays are stressful times... college kids return home, families
spend more time together.  For many, this presents a chance to speak
honestly about being gay, lesbian or bisexual," she noted. "While some
families may be accepting, others may struggle with their religious
beliefs... and others may need to rethink how they see gays and lesbians."

But following a few simple tips can go a long way towards making holiday
reunions a little bit warmer, McDonald said.

The tips, divided into two separate lists, are entitled "Home for the
Holidays: Tips for A Happy Holiday."

Parents can benefit from suggestions on how to welcome home gay, lesbian
and bisexual loved ones. Just as importantly, gays and lesbians can learn
how best to approach family reunions.

Each holiday tipsheet offers more than a dozen suggestions. Among those
tips targeted at families and friends of gays and lesbians are:

        *  "Realize that the situation may be as difficult and awkward for
your gay loved one as it is for you."
        *  "Take interest in your family member's life. He or she is still the
                same person."
        *  "Connect with someone... with whom you can talk openly about
your concerns and feelings."

A second tipsheet, targeted at gays and lesbians, urges them to:

        *  "Make a decision about being 'out' to each family member before
you visit."
        *  "Recognize that your parents need time to acknowledge and accept
that they have a gay child. It took you time to come to terms with your
sexual orientation, now it is your family's turn."

Moreover, many of PFLAG's 400 chapters nationwide offer an outstretched
hand to help families survive the holidays, ranging from telephone
helplines to support group meetings.

Just contact PFLAG's national office (202-638-4200), check the phone book
for your local PFLAG chapter or visit PFLAG's website (http://www.pflag.org).

McDonald is available for interviews at 918-742-8565.
PFLAG parents are also available.

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HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS
Tips For A Happy Holiday*

If you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender...

1. Don't assume you know how somebody will react to news of your sexual
orientation-you may be surprised.
2. Realize that your family's reaction to you may not be because you are
gay. The hectic holiday pace may cause family members to act differently
than they would under less stressful conditions.
3. Remember that "coming out" is a continuous process. You may have to
"come out" many times.
4. Don't wait for your family's attitude to change to have a special holiday.
5. Recognize that your parents need time to acknowledge and accept that
they have a gay child. It took you time to come to terms with your sexual
orientation, now it is your family's turn.
6. Let your family's judgments be theirs to work on, as long as they are
kind to you.
7. Create your own holiday gathering with friends and loved ones, if it is
too difficult to be with your family.

Before the visit...

1. Make a decision about being "out" to each family member before you visit.
2. Discuss in advance with your partner how you will talk about your
relationship, or show affection with one another, if you plan to make the
visit together.
3. Don't wait until late into the holiday evening to raise the issue of
sleeping arrangements. If you bring your partner home, make plans in
advance.
4. Have alternate plans if the situation becomes difficult at home.
5. Find out about local g/l/b/t resources.
6. If you do plan to "come out" to your family over the holidays, have
support available, including a Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians
and Gays (PFLAG) publication and a phone number of a local PFLAG chapter.

During the visit...

1. Focus on common interests.
2. Reassure family members that you are still the same person they have
always known.
3. Be sensitive to your partner's needs as well as your own.
4. Be wary of the possible desire to shock your family.
5. Remember to affirm yourself.
6. Realize that you don't need your family's approval to sustain an
excellent relationship with your partner.
7. Connect with someone else who is gay-by phone or in person-who
understands what you are going through and will affirm you along the way.

. . . And if you are the friend or family member of someone gay. . .

1. Set up support for yourself. It is important to realize you are not
alone. Find the phone number of the nearest Parents, Families and Friends
of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) chapter.
2. Take your time. Acceptance may not come instantly, but be honest about
your feelings.
3. Don't be nervous about using the "correct" language. Honesty and
openness creates warmth, sincerity and a deeper bond in a relationship. If
you are not sure what is appropriate, ask for help.
4. Realize that the situation may be as difficult and awkward for your gay
loved one as it is for you.

Before the visit...

1. Practice in advance if you are going to be discussing your family
member's sexual orientation with family and friends. If you are comfortable
talking about it, your family and friends will probably be more comfortable
too.
2. Anticipate potential problems, but do not assume the reactions will
always be what you expected.
3. Consult with your gay loved one when coordinating sleeping arrangements
if he or she is bringing home a partner.

During the visit...

1. Treat a gay person like you would treat anyone else in your family.
2. Take interest in your family member's life. He or she is still the same
person.
3. Don't ask your gay family member to act a certain way. Let them be their
natural selves.
4. Acknowledge your gay family member's partner as you would any other
family member's partner.
5. Include your gay family member's partner in your family traditions.
6. Ask your gay family member about his or her partner if you know they
have one.
7. Connect with someone (a friend or a spouse) with whom you can talk
openly about your concerns or feelings.

   *Some tips excerpted from Mariana Caplan's book, When Holidays are
Hell...! A Guide to Surviving Family Gatherings, published
by Hohm Press (Prescott, AZ 1997)1-800-381-2700.

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Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) promotes the
health and well-being of gay,lesbian and bisexual persons, their families
and friends through - support, to cope with an adverse society; education,
to enlighten an ill-informed public; and advocacy, to end discrimination
and to secure civil rights. Serving nearly 70,000 members, PFLAG
affiliates are located in more than 400 communities across the United
States and in five other countries.

1101 14th St., NW, #1030, Wash., DC 20005 * 202/638-4200 * Fax:
202/638-0243 * [email-masked] * http://www.pflag.org