Date: Sun, 20 Apr 1997 16:35:50 -0500 (CDT)
From: Jim Fagelson <glpcinat@ix.netcom.com>
Subject: Parents' Network - April 20, 1997


PARENTS' NETWORK    April 20, 1997

SPAIN - Spanish parliamentary debate on partnership bill has put the
government in a difficult position By Cesar Lest=A2n (ILGA)

Last October, the Spanish Socialist Party-PSOE and the Izquierda
Unida-IU (former communist party plus a coalition of green and other
left-winged parties) submitted two bills providing a legal framework on the
partnership issue. The Fundaci=A2n Triangulo, as well as other groups, had
launched a campaign aimed at convincing the christian-based Partido
Popular, now in office, to vote in favor of the law. After much debate,
Partido Popular voted a last-minute bill in favor of creating a
sub-parliamentary commission specifically commited to studying the issue,
something which all the parties and the press have viewed as a delay tactic
since  this commission has been given until June 30th to produce a report --
June the 30th is the beginning of the Summer recess. Efforts are now
underway to reconsider a new law that will provide domestic benefits for
Spanish Lesbians and Gays.

NETHERLANDS (Wockner News Service) - According to current Dutch
law, on January 1, 1998, Dutch gay, lesbian and straight couples will be
able to register their partnership and gain every right of marriage except
access to adoption. Then around the year 2000, Dutch gays and lesbians
will likely be able to get married under the regular marriage laws. The
registration measure passed the Netherland's Second Chamber of
Parliament in December with 104 of 150 possible votes. It now must pass
the First Chamber but that is only a formality. The First Chamber only
looks for procedural errors.=20

The Second Chamber, meanwhile, has begun debate on gay co-parenting in
an attempt to void the adoption exclusion via a separate piece of
legislation. Should that measure pass also, there would be no differences
between partnerships and marriages except when it comes to divorce.
Married people have to go to divorce court whereas partnered couples
would only have to go to court if one of the parties contested the breakup.
Otherwise they would just unregister at City Hall.

"The majority in Parliament is for gay marriage," said Henk
Krol, editor of Holland's largest gay publication, De Gay Krant.
"The minority in parliament says people in other European
countries and in America won't understand us. We are already
such a strange place for all the people around the world. What
will be the rights of [gay] people married in the Netherlands
when they go abroad? It will give us a lot of problems around
the world.

POLAND (Wockner News Service)  - Poland's new constitution, which
passed Parliament 461-31 on March 22, 1997, bans gay marriage. As
recently as last September, a draft of the constitution also banned
discrimination based on sexual orientation - something only South Africa
has done constitutionally. The constitution must be reviewed by President
Aleksander Kwasneiwski and then faces a public vote May 25.

ENGLAND - "The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. George Carey, has
made one of his strongest statements on homosexuality, ruling out the
possibility of the Church of England sanctioning same-sex relationships
among the clergy. "Dr. Carey, in the final documentary in the
_Archbishop_ series,  makes clear that the church will never bless gay
'marriages'. He says the Church recognizes marriage and celibacy, and
nothing in between.

"In the 1980s, the issue of homosexuality was just beginning to emerge as a
problem for all the churches. With hindsight we can criticise people of that
period," he says. "Now we're in a different ball game, and we are saying
very clearly to people in the Church that practising homosexuality is not to
be condoned in the priesthood." He says homosexuals can be ordained, but
should live a celibate lifestyle. Challenged by Peter Williams, the series
director, on whether his is not like President Clinton saying he smoked
marijuana but did not inhale, Dr. Carey insists: "Nothing of the sort.=20
Homosexuals are people loved by God, have gifts to offer, but the=20
discipline of the Church has not changed."

"If people think that we're living in limbo now and the Church can't make
up its mind, they've got it absolutely wrong. The discipline of the Church=
 is
that we recognise two lifestyles. One is marriage and the other is celibacy,
and there can't be anything in between, and we don't recognise same-sex
marriages." A spokesman said Dr. Carey was referring specifically to the=20
priesthood, and was not available for comment about the laity. He has=20
previously made strong statements criticising homophobia.=20


HAWAII (Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund) - Update on
Hawaii Marriage Case - Thursday, April 17, 1997

Hawaii legislators this week moved closer to sending a proposed
constitutional amendment to voters for ratification in November 1998; at
the same time, the legislature prepared to approve a "rights-and- benefits
package" for unmarried couples that would take effect in July 1997.  The
proposed amendment would seek to give the legislature the power to
restrict marriage to opposite-sex couples, although it would not require
the legislature to do so.

 If the amendment passes in 1998, the legislature would not be able to
enact such a restriction on marriage before 1999.

AUSTRALIA (Reuter News Service) April 16, 1997

Legislators in the Australian state of Tasmania Wednesday approved in
principle the scrapping of the conservative island community's harsh laws
against sodomy. Tasmania's tiny upper House of the state parliament
narrowly voted for a bill to repeal the existing laws, unique in Australia=
 for
making anal sex a crime punishable by up to 21 years' jail.

A packed public gallery clapped and cheered as the 19-member Legislative
Council, which had three times before blocked moves to scrap the laws,
resolved by a two-vote margin Wednesday night to ditch sections 122 and
123 of the state Criminal Code. The sections outlaw consenting sexual
intercourse ``against the order of nature'' and ``indecent practice between
male persons.'' They have been condemned by the United Nations,
international human rights bodies and AIDS groups. The lower chamber,
the House of Assembly, has resolved to scrap the laws four times in the
past five years. But the council has the final say on all state legislation.

MASSACHUSETTS (Boston Globe, April 17, 1997)
When a spouse comes out: Straight partners must struggle for a new life
too By Patti Doten

It was the Friday of Labor Day weekend, 1995. Lynne Riddell of
Weymouth had just gotten home from work. She looked out back and saw
husband, Andrew, sitting on the porch crying. She asked what was wrong.
He said they needed to talk. The she would need a drink. "I thought, oh
God, he's going to tell me he's having an affair with another woman or that
his business collapsed and we have no money. I never suspected what he
was about to tell me.=20

"I sat down and he said, `Lynne, I'm gay.'''   She was stunned. She loved
this man. He was not only her husband but her best friend. They had just
built their dream house. Put in an above-ground pool. This couldn't be
happening.  But it was - and is for an unknown number of husbands and
wives. Some are completely surprised by their spouses' newly expressed
sexual orientation while others may have had small sparks of suspicion.=20

The end of any marriage is painful. But when a husband leaves for a man or
a wife for a woman, it sets off explosive and unfamiliar emotions in the
straight spouse - betrayal, feelings of having lived a lie, anger, hurt,
embarrassment, helplessness, isolation, and all the how, why, and what
questions: How did this happen? Why me? What could I have done?=20

But perhaps the most difficult thing is how to stop loving intimately the
spouse you thought you'd be with for the rest of your life. There are no
national statistics on the number of straight males or females married or
formerly married to gay, lesbian, or bisexual spouses, according to Amity
Pierce Buxton, author of ``The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out
Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families'' and a board member of the Gay
and Lesbian Parents Coalition.  How spouses deal with the coming-out
process is as varied as the individuals involved, but Buxton points to three
main responses. A third of couples split immediately, another third try to
figure out slowly how to deal with their future, and the final third try to
make a go of the marriage. About half of the latter succeed, she says, and
for the most part they involve gay men. Lesbians tend to leave a marriage
immediately.=20

Despite the myriad problems for everyone in the family, few places offer
the straight spouses help. T here is only one support group in the Boston
area, two in the entire state.  "I called everyone - mental health=
 facilities,
women's organizations, and gay groups - when my husband finally left, but
there was nothing out there for someone like me,'' says Lorraine Hamwey,
who started the Straight Spouse Support Network, which meets in
Newton, after her gay husband left four years ago. "I mean, I'd been living
with the same man for almost 20 years,'' she says, having remained in the
marriage for more than a decade after her husband told her he was gay. "I
had no single friends and was living in suburbia. I needed help and
companionship in rebuilding a single life.''=20

And so did Steve (who did not want his last name used), who lives south of
Boston. His wife left in fall 1994, after three children and 25 years of=
 what
he thought was a blissful marriage.  Straight Spouse "was a godsend,'' says
Steve. "It's a place where you can express your anger and fear. Although
everyone's situation is different, the underlying theme is that you're not
alone. In the beginning I felt as if I was the only one this had happened=
 to.''=20

Riddell, who had discounted concern by friends about her husband's sexual
preference, was likewise taken by surprise. "Friends told me they thought
Andrew was gay,'' says Riddell, who says his feminine mannerisms didn't
bother her. "I asked him if he was gay and he said no. I believed him. I
never thought about it again. I was focused on how well he treated me. He
was everything I ever wanted.''=20

Nor did Steve have any clue that his marriage was coming to an end - until
his wife began spending more and more time with a woman she had met on
a religious retreat. "When she told me this woman was a lesbian,'' he says,
"I had the first thought that this woman might be trying to steal my wife.''=
=20

But then he and his wife went on a long-planned cruise with another couple
to celebrate their 25th anniversary and had a fabulous time. There was no
indication sexually that anything was amiss. But when they returned, Steve
again began to worry about his wife and her new friend. "Then one evening
she sat me down and said we had to talk,'' says Steve. "She said she wanted
a divorce. I said, `You're kidding me. What did I do?'  "Nothing, " she=
 said.=20
"What's the problem?"
"I'm gay," she said. "I'm a lesbian."
"After 25 years of marriage you suddenly find out you're gay?"

She told him it happened at the retreat when she looked up and saw the
woman and knew instantly that she was in love with her. She said she'd
only had one similar experience years before but it was when she was
pregnant, and she thought her hormones were just going wild. "I was a
total emotional wreck, my world was falling apart,'' says Steve. "And then
it was what and how to tell the kids. We went to a counselor and agreed
that we should all be together when we told the children, that my wife
should be the one to tell them, that I would be supportive and that we'd try
to answer all their questions. So on the night before Father's Day my wife
told them she didn't love me anymore.''=20

She told them she loved another woman and was leaving the marriage. She
told the children, two in their 20s and one a teenager, that they would=
 still
have both parents, that it was not like the death of a parent. But it was=
 the
end of the family as they had known it. The children were confused and
upset but not angry. And with time theyhave been able to accept the
situation, although it's been more difficult for the teenage son still=
 living at
home.=20

"That first year, which I call my transition year, I tried to do everything=
 the
same,'' says Steve, who invited his wife and her partner for Thanksgiving
dinner. "I'll never do that again. It was just too emotionally draining to=
 sit
at the table and have my wife and her new partner there.'' =20

Now the children go to Steve's on Christmas Eve and to their mother's on
Christmas Day.   I must say my wife's partner is very understanding,'' says
Steve.  "She keeps her distance at family gatherings. She came to my
daughter's graduation but declined to have lunch with all of us, which
included my in-laws.''   Steve, who has been dating a woman he met in the
group, says he now knows that life goes on.=20

"I'm able to see the possibility of loving someone else. I know I'm learning
to trust again.''    According to Dr. Richard A. Isay, author of "Becoming
Gay: The Journey to Self-Acceptance'' and clinical professor of psychiatry
at Cornell University Medical College, marriages like Lorraine Hamwey's
remain intact because there is a deep bond between the spouses.=20

"These couples do not break up because they don't love one another,''
says Isay, who is gay and was once married. "They break up because one
of the partners wants to pursue a life consistent with his or her sexual
orientation. This often happens in middle age, when men are reevaluating
what is important and feeling that if they want to live a full life they are
going to have to make some painful decisions.''  Those painful decisions
include not only leaving a marriage, but separating from a wife and children
they love. Isay says that marriages between straight women and men who
suspect they are gay occur because society is still full of prejudice=
 against
gay men. =20

"There are less of these marriages than 30 years ago,'' says Isay, "but it=
 still
happens because many gay men have damaged self-esteems and are unable
to accept who they are in adolescence. They want to live lives that are
considered socially acceptable to fit what is acceptable in our society
and to please parents and others. Men who enter these marriages are not
really lying to their spouse but lying to themselves.''=20

Hamwey was married for eight years and had had two daughters when her
husband told her he was gay. They remained together for another 11 1/2
years before separating.  "I was shocked, like everyone in my situation,
when he told me, because I thought I knew the man I married. We grew up
in the same church, we bowled in the same bowling league, I was friendly
with his cousins,'' says Hamwey, who lives west of Boston.=20

She says that after eight years she knew something was wrong and asked
her husband if he was having an affair with another woman. He said no.
She asked if it was a man. He said no, not any particular man.  "At the time
he thought he was bixsexual, which is, I think, what most men think until
they can come to terms with their homosexuality,'' says Hamwey, who is
now divorced. "He said he didn't want to live a gay lifestyle. He wanted us
to stay together as a family because we had two daughters that we both
adored, and we loved each other very much.'' She says she still cares about
her former husband and that they have a good relationship. "We did agree
that if the marriage was to remain intact that he'd have no outside lovers.=
 I
chose to stay and told no one about our situation. Looking back I can see
that I did withdraw from friends - it takes a lot of energy to keep a secret
of that magnitude.''=20

She says no one in her large extended family suspected. Relatives and
friends thought they were the perfect couple. And sometimes, she says,
when things were going smoothly, she'd forget they were not a regular
couple.=20

As with Steve and his wife, telling the children was difficult. "It was
probably the hardest thing we had to do,'' says Hamwey, whose daughters
were 16 and 17. "They were both upset, and one of them was very angry
that we had perpetuated this lie, that she had been living a lie. But
somehow it made it easier for both of them that no one else knew. Their
father remains their father, and they love him very much.''=20
=20
She says she started Straight Spouse after calling all sorts of=
 organizations
looking for a support group.  "People want to share their stories; they want
to hear how others have gotten through it,'' says Hamwey. "Often when
they first come to a meeting, they haven't told anyone about their=
 situation.
When husbands and wives come out to us, we often go into the closet until
we can sort things out. I didn't tell anyone, because I was too embarrassed.
I thought people would judge me and say, "How could you be married to
someone gay and not know it." Well, sometimes you don't know it.''=20

She says the group is not about gay bashing. "I'm here to tell people they
can survive, they can trust again, and they will date again,'' says Hamwey,
who says she has been seeing a very caring man for the past 10 months.
And Riddell began to put her life back together too after separating from
Andrew, even though she had thought that he would be her only love.=20

"At first I thought somehow everything was going to work out,'' she says.
"I thought I'd get him back. He kept telling me how sorry he was. That he
didn't mean for this to happen. That he loved me. Then he asked, "If I had
told you, would you have married me?" I couldn't believe it. I yelled, "Of
course not! ''=20

When asked about their sex life, Riddell says, "This is difficult to talk
about but, no, we didn't have a passionate sex life. But there was a
closeness between us, and sex just wasn't a top priority. What forced his
hand finally was that after we moved into our home and decorated it, I
began to press for a child.'' After the initial split, Riddell says she got=
 a lot
of support from her family, but like Hamwey, was embarrassed to tell
friends and co-workers. She finally told her next-door neighbor and then
friends at work. Although she tried the support group, she found most of
the members older and their situations too dissimilar. She feels counseling
has been helpful.=20

"In the beginning it felt like my heart had been ripped out of me,'' says
Riddell, who has been dating. "I knew I had to dust it off and put it back
together again. I knew it would take time. I still know that. But I've never
questioned myself or my sexuality. I fell in love with what I thought was a
very good man. He was my best friend. But best friends reveal their
secrets. And he didn't do that with me.''=20

BRAZIL (Wockner News Service) -    The legislator who authored Brazil's
gay-partnership bill says Congress will vote on the measure in April and she
is urgently requesting lobbying from abroad. "The bill assures rights to
inheritance, succession, welfare benefits, joint-income declaration, right=
 to
nationality in case of a foreign partner and joint income in order to buy a
house," said Workers Party Deputy Marta Suplicy. "We strongly urge that
you and your organization help us in this initiative which is pioneer in
South America and which if approved will enable thousands of gay and
lesbian couples in Brazil to have access to equal rights which are currently
denied to them under existing legislation. If approved, the law will also
serve as an important precedent for the whole region, possibly stimulating
similar social changes in other Latin American and Caribbean countries."
The measure passed a Senate committee in December by a vote of 11-5.

IRELAND - The Employment Equality Bill is currently being debated in
Leinster House.  The Bill outlaws discrimination in employment on nine
grounds. However in a major concession to church authorities Section 37
of the Bill excludes workers in "...religious, educational or medical
institution(s) ...under the direction or control of a body established for
religious purposes..." from the protection of the Bill in 6 of the 9 areas.

This effectively gives schools and hospitals which are controlled by
either of the churches the right to discriminate on the basis of
marital status, family/parental status, sexual orientation, race,
religion or membership of the Traveller Community if ".... the
discrimination is essential for the maintenance of the religious ethos
of the institution or is reasonable in order to avoid offending the
religious sensitivities of its members or clients."

This Bill, if passed, will represent a major setback for the employment
and civil rights of teachers, nurses and others who work in
religious-run institutions.  The vast majority of Primary Schools in
this state are controlled by one or other of the churches and this Bill
entrenches that position and open up the way for wholesale religious
discrimination.  "Teachers for Pluralism in Education" was established a
number of months ago and has been campaigning against the Bill.  The
Irish National Teachers Organisation (INTO) has belatedly begun to
campaign as a result of intense pressure from members.  A petition has
been launched and activists within the union are pushing for a strike
ballot.

RESEARCH  REQUEST

A lesbian and a gay male researcher at the University of Maryland are
conducting a gay-affirmative study of same-sex couples.  This will be the
first major study to look at the impact of factors unique to the LGB
identity process on same-sex relationship functioning.  It will also be the
first major study to look at a racially-ethnically diverse sample of=
 same-sex
couples. If you are willing to participate, please contact us or pass along
this message.  (Jon Mohr [p-jmohr@bss3.umd.edu] or Glenna Chang
[gchang@deans.umd.edu])

People who participate must be in a relationship that has lasted at least
three months.  Also, we are focusing on people who identify (at least
partially) as lesbian or gay (as opposed to primarily identifying as
bisexual).  Both members of each couple are sent questionnaires to
complete.  Questionnaires are returned separately in stamped return
envelopes.  All responses are completely confidential and anonymous.  We
are eager to hear from couples of a variety of ages, race/ethnicities,=
 income
levels, communities, outlooks, etc.

When questionnaires are received from both partners of a couple, they are
automatically entered into a lottery to win prizes from national and local
LGB-affirmative businesses.

NORTH DAKOTA - A North Dakota bill recently signed into law makes it
the first state to legalize the confinement of people suspected of having
HIV. According to the law, emergency personnel, including police officers,
firefighters, patients, health care workers and others may secure a court
order confining individuals to whose blood they have been "significantly"
exposed. Persons may be confined for up to five days and no criminal
charges need be filed to be imprisoned.=20

Critics of the new law say the fact that HIV tests of others does not
determine one's own HIV status seems to have been lost on North Dakota
lawmakers and the governor. The law goes into effect July 1. For more
information,
contact Keith Elston of the ACLU of the Dakotas at 701-255-4727.=20

MARRIAGE BILLS=20

Approximately 61 bills banning same gender marriage have been
introduced in 32 states.  In Rhode Island and West Virginia, the defeat of
anti-marriage bills last week was celebrated. This brings to six the number
of  states (MD, NH, NM, RI, WV, WY) where marriage bans were
defeated this year. Anti-marriage bills remain pending in 20 states (AL, CA,
CO, CT, FL, HI, IN, IA, LA, MN, MT, NE, NJ, NY, OH, OR,  TX, VT,
WA,  WI).  In five states (IL, MD, NE, RI, WA), pro-marriage bills were
introduced. Only those in Illinois and Washington remain alive.  This year,
marriage bans have been signed into law in five states (AR, ME, MS, ND,
VA).  Marriage bans have become law in 21 states since 1995. (AK, AZ,
AR, DE, GA, ID, IL, KS, ME, MS, MI, MO, NC, ND, OK, PA, SC, SD,
TN, UT, VA)

In Nebraska last week, anti-marriage foes were unsuccessful in bringing the
anti-gay marriage bill to a vote.  During debate, an amendment was
introduced to prohibit people three times convicted of assault on a spouse
from obtaining  a marriage license. The amendment failed, 17 to 15. It is
possible the bill will not be rescheduled for another vote.=20

In Indiana the LGBT community is battling its fourth anti-gay marriage
bill of the year. Three House bills were killed earlier in the session. The
newest bill is a House amendment to a welfare-to-work bill. The full House
will be voting on the bill in the near future.  In Washington state, a bill
remains alive that, if passed, provides for a ballot measure on the issue by
as early as June of this year.=20

DOMESTIC PARTNERSHIP:

At least 15 measures have been introduced in seven states and five remain
alive (CA,  HI, IL, MA, and  MN). These measures range from providing a
mechanism for lesbian and gay couples to register as domestic partners,
providing at hospital and prison visitation rights, to extending benefits=
 such
as health insurance to same-gender partners. Domestic partner measures
were killed in Colorado and Virginia. An anti-domestic partnership bill is
moving in Colorado. The bill, which would prevent state colleges and
universities from offering domestic partner benefits to its employees,
passed a Senate committee.

In Illinois a bill was introduced mandating  municipalities to extend
domestic partner benefits to same-gender couples and to extend them to
unmarried heterosexual couples as well. While the intent of this law is to
undermine the provision of domestic partner benefits to same-gender
couples recently approved by the Chicago City Council, NGLTF classifies
this measure as favorable. Historically, domestic partner measures included
same and opposite sex partners, reflecting a progressive approach to the
reality of families in the United States. NGLTF continues to support broad
definitions of domestic partners in these measures.

FAMILIES:

All 3 pro-family bills introduced remain alive. In California, a bill is
pending to prohibit discrimination on the basis of marital status in state
adoptions.  The second California bill would require certain health
insurance companies and HMOs to provide health insurance coverage to
lesbian and  gay couples. In Georgia, a bill strengthening the role of=
 durable
power of attorney was introduced. In the absence of marriage rights, the
durable power of attorney is an important legal protection for gay and
lesbian families.

Six  anti-family bills were introduced so far in five states (KY, MS, MO,
SC, TN). All remain alive except the Mississippi measure. These bills
generally concern adoption and foster parenting, except one of the two
Missouri measures and the Kentucky bill. The Missouri bill would declare
gays and lesbians unworthy of the custody of children under 16 years of
age.

In Kentucky, bill sponsors are waiving the ever popular and ever false
banner of special rights. A bill was pre-filed that would prevent judges=
 from
issuing protective orders to victims of same-gender domestic violence.=20
According to press reports, one Senator stated, "If violence among
homosexuals is so profound that they need special protection, the gay
community needs to come forth and explain what its problem is."=20
Protective orders for victims of heterosexual domestic violence are
apparently not a special right. Like heterosexual couples, domestic violence
exists in some same-gender relationships.=20

TRANSGENDER:

Missouri is considering a measure hostile to transgendered people. It
would make transgender status of a parent an issue in determining child
custody.

RESEARCH REQUEST

Hi, my name is Chad Crouse and I am a graduate student in clinical
psychology at MTSU, in Murfreesboro, TN. For my master's thesis I will
be conducting a study of self-esteem among 8-15 year-olds. I will be
looking at the children of women who have had children while in a
relationship with a male partner, ended that relationship, and later
recoupled with either another male or a female partner. The study will
compare the self-esteem of the children living in the heterosexual
households with the children living in the lesbian households. My goal
is to add to the growing body of evidence which supports the health and
viability of the lesbian parent home.

As you might expect finding participants for this study has not been
easy, as lesbian parents are often, understandably, reluctant to identify
themselves. However, I believe that research of this kind is vital to the
cause of lesbian parenting rights. Any help your organization can give me
in contacting potential participants will be greatly appreciated.=20

I will not be able to pay or otherwise compensate people for their
participation, but summaries of the research results will be made
available upon request. All identifying information will be coded and
kept in strict confidence. If you find anyone interested in participating in
this study please contact me or my faculty supervisor, Dr. Gloria Hamilton.
Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Chad Crouse, B.S.  (ehelford@frank.MTSU.edu)
Gloria Hamilton. Ph.D. (ghamilto@frank.MTSU.edu [subject: Chad])
Psychology Department, MTSU                      =20
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