Date: Fri, 29 Sep 95 15:43:52 EST From: "Edwards, Victoria" Subject: When a friend comes out to you http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/freenet/rootdir/menus/sigs/life/gay/faqs/fr iendout.faq When a Friend Comes Out to You We live in a society that often discriminates against people who are different. We have all been taught to believe that to be "straight" is to be normal. This can cause a great deal of pain for gay men, lesbians & bisexuals. "Coming Out" or disclosing their orientation to others is an important step in gay people's self-acceptance. Like everyone, gay people accept themselves better, if they are accepted by others. Someone who is coming out feels close enough to you and trusts you sufficiently to be honest & risk losing you as a friend. It is difficult to know what to say & do to be a supportive friend to someone who has 'come out' to you. Here are some suggestions that you may wish to follow... * Thank him\her for having the courage to tell you. Choosing to tell you means that s/he has a great deal of respect & trust for you. * Don't judge him\her. If you have strong religious or other beliefs about homosexuality, keep them to yourself for now. There will be plenty of time in the future for you to think & talk about your beliefs in light of his\her orientation. * Respect his/her confidentiality. S\he probably is not ready to tell others right away and wants to tell them in his\her own way * Tell her\him that you still care for him\her, no matter what. Be the friend you have always been. The main fear for people coming out is that they will be rejected by their friends & family. * Don't be too serious. Sensitively worded humour may ease the tension that you both are probably feeling. * A simple squeeze of the hand or a hug (with permission) can let him\her know you still care & that you don't think you can 'catch' anything * Ask any questions that you may have but be prepared that s\he may not have all the answers. You can save some for later, or better yet, you could find some of the answers together. * Include his\her partner in plans as much as you would with any other friend * Be prepared to include him/her in more of your plans. S\he may have lost the support of other friends & family & your time & friendship will be even more precious to her/him. This may include "family" times like Christmas & Thanksgiving. * Offer & be available to support him\her in telling others * Call frequently for the first while after s/he has come out to you. This will let him/her know you are still his/her friend * Be prepared for him/her to have mood swings. Coming out can be very traumatic. Anger & depression are common, especially if friends or family have trouble accepting his/her orientation. Don't take this personally. Be flattered that s/he is close enough to you to risk sharing his/her anger & frustration. * Do what you have always done together. S/he probably feels that coming out will change everything in his/her life and this is frightening. If you always go to a movie together on Fridays, then continue that. * Talk about other gay people you know. If s\he knows that you have accepted someone else, s/he will feel more confident that you will accept him/her. * Learn about the gay community. This will allow you to better support him/her, and knowing about his/her world will help prevent the two of you from drifting apart. * Don't allow her/him to become isolated. Let her/him know about organizations & places where s/he can go to meet people that you know of. * If s/he seems afraid about people knowing there may be a good reason. People are sometimes attacked violently because they are perceived as gay. Sometimes people are discriminated against for things such as housing & employment, though in Ontario, this is illegal. If s/he is discriminated against illegally, you can help him/her in pursuing his/her rights * It's never too late. If someone has come out to you before & you feel badly about how you handled it, you can always go back & try again * Don't worry that s/he may have attractions or feelings for you that you may not share. Probably her/his feelings are feelings that you have for him/her. If s/he has more or different feelings than you have, these can be worked through. It's the same as if someone of the opposite sex had feelings for you that you don't share. Either way, it's probably not worth losing a friend over. For information contact Youth Services Bureau 1338 1/2 Wellington, Ottawa 234-5511