From: Date: Sat, 23 Sep 1995 23:02:33 -0400 Subject: LOVE and coming out to family (long) Dear Friends; Here is a true story written a few weeks ago. It has not been changed since I first wrote it on the plane and although it may be long I feel it is well worth reading. It speaks of love and loss. Of fear and comfort. Of loneliness and support. And (in my life) it shows how when you least expect it the 'closet' can suffocate (dangerously) but how opening that closet door can bring more inner strength and love than you ever thought possible. I have learned how important the love and support of my family is (especially in time of need). And how coming out to them has taken away so much fear and allowed me to finally become all I was meant to be. I have shared this story with others and they have all been deeply moved by its content. They have encouraged me to continue this sharing in the hope that a few more eyes might be opened and hearts might be softened. Please feel free to share this story with others if you too feel it can help in any way. God bless everyone who continues to support the needs of all people. "We are a family." Love and warm thoughts, Jerry Albrent QuietWalkr@AOL.com ************** story follows ******************* The Beginning After The End... Today I leave Wisconsin and return to my home in Colorado. I am a new person. I am free and I am me for the first time in my life. Three months ago I was plunged into the greatest pain and grief I had ever known. Today I am soaring with the clouds. Not because I am in this airplane but because I have experienced so much love in the past few days. I wish Dave, my partner, could be sitting right here next to me sharing this moment because he is part of the reason I am having this experience. Dave was killed in an auto accident on May 15, only 3 and a half months ago. I loved Dave more than anyone and more than anything and his death was a shock and a pain I shall never forget. As a gay man I was not out to 'anyone' in my life and I was struck with the sudden realization that I had no one to turn to, no one to talk to, no one to help me with the pain and loss. The grief was devastating and I felt so very much alone. I reached out to my community but there was nothing to be found easily. No grief group for gay men, no hotline - just an answering machine. I couldn't work and I couldn't eat. And sleep (when it finally came) was the only relief from the tears. I got through the funeral with the help of Dave's family and friends and the ever present support of his wonderful cousin. I reached out on the internet and have met some extraordinary people who could share my pain and who stood by me even though we never met. One old friend bonded with me in this time of grief and together we have supported our local telephone companies to the tune of hundred's of dollars. During the first weeks after Dave's death she saved my life a little each day. With no one in town to talk to I stumbled to the library and read a few books. The books told me I was not crazy and assured me that the pain today would be different tomorrow. There was light further down the road they said, but the road would be rocky. Yes, the road is rocky. I scanned the local database and found one small entry which spoke of a grief group at a local hospital. I met the chaplain and the group began a few weeks later (on Dave's birthday). This little group (usually the chaplain, the social worker, and me) saved my life a little bit more. They were great. I drove to various offices to seek help and I got referrals. Some referrals were no longer valid and other referrals produced only answering machines or people who were just going on vacation. A wonderful woman at a local university reached out to me with her heart and helped me find more help, a few more potential contacts. And one of these contacts lead to another person who has helped me even more. Step by slow step, day by long day I continued to reach out to search for support. And person by person, little by little I found more of what I needed. Yet for all the love and support I was able to find there were still missing parts. I was still a gay man who was just beginning to be out to himself. I was still a man in grief who had no family around to support him. I still lived in confusion and fear. Confusion about who I was and fear over what I was finding - would I lose my job, would I ever love again, would my family turn their backs if they ever found out about the real me. Among the many things David gave me was a strong sense of what it was like to love and be loved. What it felt like to be genuinely happy. And what it sounded like when the walls I had built around my life and my heart came tumbling down brick by brick. I can't go back into the closet. Dave would want me to be happy and I want to be happy. Therefore, I made the decision that I I needed to begin sharing my life with my family. I want them to know me fully and I don't want to lie any longer. And I need their support and love now more than ever. With the support of my older sister (who I came out to two months ago - another fantastic story) I orchestrated a family meeting for when I would next be in Wisconsin. Rumors were flying but I kept my secret (all the while assuring my parents and siblings that I wasn't dying and I hadn't won the lottery). The meeting began. My parents and most of my other immediate family were there. They waited for me to start. How can I put into words the feelings in the room. It is impossible. How can I share and do justice to the depth and the quality of each smile, each tear. All I can say is that the room was filled with 100% unconditional acceptance and 200% love. As I told my story and shared my life for the first time with my parents, siblings and their spouses not a word was spoken until I finished. Each and everyone honored me with their silent and soft gaze. No one made light of my words or attempted to push away their feelings by drawing attention to themselves or other topics. They opened their hearts and allowed their son and brother to gently walk back into their lives. The fact that I was gay was no surprise to many and was not a problem for anyone. They cried with me over my loss, they smiled with me over the many stories I shared. And as they looked at my pictures of Dave they mourned over their loss at never having met this wonderful man. Each and every person - mother, father, brother, sister, brother-in-law, sister-in-law - held me and told me they loved me. They cried with me as we squeezed each other tight. They whispered words of love and support and they spoke from their hearts. I was their brother, I was their son, I was important and nothing has changed about how they felt about me. The information of my being gay was only important because they were happy I had finally come to terms with a part of my life that I was able to share with them. Hours went by and as I went from couple to couple to say goodbye we held each other, we cried, we laughed. Things were said which will forever glow in my heart. Beautiful things about me and about Dave. Invitations were made for me to come to their homes to visit and some reminded me that they were still planning to come and visit me. The only thing which has changed in my family is that we are now closer to one another than before. We have shared thoughts and feelings which all too often go unsaid. I have always loved my family and valued the qualities which made my parents and each of my 7 brothers and sisters unique. But until this weekend I never really knew how blessed I was. And the joy did not stop there. As I hugged and kissed my parents my dad reminded me that they loved me and that should things get rough in my life or if I needed a place to stay I was always welcome to come and live with them. And my mother said that some day I would meet a man as wonderful as Dave and that when that happened I should know that we were always welcome in their home. The day before and later that same day I met with my sister's children and their spouses. Again the whole experience from beginning to end was deeply moving and beautiful. Their love and respect for me was unshaken. (So much for that fear too). Even though they are so very young they spoke such wisdom. They shared thoughts and feelings that welled from their hearts. As with the first group, nothing was contrived or said out of obligation or out of a need to appear polite. Their smiles, their tears, their hugs, their words were unmistakably saying - you are our uncle Jerry, we have always loved you and we always will. I was touched beyond words. I miss my Dave and I will process this grief for a very long time. Yet I must also thank him for impacting my life as he has. He played a vital role in hastening the emergence of the man I am today. The man I am proud to be. Beginning today, I am out to myself and I am out to my family. I look forward to the future. The Beginning........ August 27, 1995 Internet: QuietWalkr@aol.com Jerry Albrent ****************************************************************************** ****