From: Cliff Docherty [cliffd@btinternet.com] Sent: Tuesday, June 13, 2000 3:53 PM Subject: [Coming Out Leaflet] Some time ago I wrote a leaflet aimed at friends of gay and lesbian men and women. It tackles the coming out issue and is mainly aimed at those that come out later in life. It has proved very popular. The url is www.restless-soul.co.uk/leaflet.htm Perhaps you can think of the best location for it. Kind regards Cliff Docherty Wembley, UK Coming Out Leaflet So Your Friend is Gay? A Guide for Friends of Gay Men Your Friend is Gay If you are reading this, it is probably because a friend has told you he is gay; that is to say he is homosexual, or attracted to a member of his own sex. It may not be news to you - this may be something you have suspected for some time. On the other hand you may be feeling shocked or uncomfortable with this revelation. Here is a someone you may have known for a very long time and about whom you may have quite well-defined ideas. Now that has all changed - or has it? Just because someone is gay, it doesn't mean that they are a particular type of person. Gay people come in all shapes and sizes, are all ages and come from as diverse a background as society as a whole. Those ideas you had about your friend are just as valid now as they were before he spoke to you. All that has changed is that he has shown he trusts and respects you enough to discuss his sexuality. The process of coming to terms with your sexuality, or `coming out', is different for each individual. Your friend may be quite young, embarking on adult life, and not wish to disguise the fact he is gay. Equally he may have waited until much later before feeling confident enough to deal with this issue. Surprising as it may sound, he may also have been unsure of his sexuality. Whatever the case, the first thing any individual has to do is to come out to themselves and acknowledge their sexual orientation. For some this may be relatively straightforward, but many people do have difficulty in this area. They may not wish to be gay, they may fear rejection from friends and family, they may be isolated from other gay men and may only have seen stereotyped characters on TV with whom they do not identify, they may have misinformed ideas about what constitutes a gay `lifestyle', they may be worried about HIV and AIDS, or perhaps their upbringing has instilled in them the belief that homosexuality is wrong. For those who have found coming out difficult, telling their friends is something that they may agonise over for a long time, before they finally have the courage to broach the subject. What if I Feel Homosexuality is Wrong? No-one really knows for sure why people are gay, straight or bisexual. Some researchers believe that it is genetically determined, others believe that upbringing may play a part - the so called `nature or nurture' argument. Many gay men will testify to the fact that they were born `that way', or were aware of their sexual orientation from an early age. One thing is clear; no individual chooses to be gay, just as no individual chooses to be straight. It is simply a part of the human condition, just like brown hair or blue eyes. Whatever the reason for homosexuality, it is a fairly common occurrence, probably more common than you imagine. Society's attitude towards homosexuality has fluctuated considerably over the years. The playwright Oscar Wilde was famously tried and jailed in Victorian times for being a homosexual, whilst today society has generally become more tolerant - especially since homosexuality in the UK was decriminalised in 1967. Having said that, there is still evidence of discrimination, for example the age of consent remains at 18 for gay men and 16 for heterosexual sex. The arrival of AIDS in the public consciousness has sometimes not helped. . On a personal level you may find homosexuality deeply offensive. You may think it fundamentally wrong, or you may feel it to be a poor alternative to heterosexuality. When faced with the fact that a close friend is gay, the important thing is to try to consider what you value about your friendship, and whether you can reconcile it with your feelings of unease. Try not to think of homosexuality as something which is only about sex. Gay men have the same aspirations towards love, commitment and fulfilling relationships as anyone else. If you are a man, you may feel threatened by your friend's admission. Perhaps you secretly worry that he is attracted to you. Well he might be, but it is far more likely that you are just his very good friend! Remember, a person's sexuality is only a part of who they are, the rest - the part you know - is no different. Help with Coming Out Your gay friend may not need any help from you. He may feel quite confident and been `out' to himself for some time but, when you are still at the `coming to terms' stage, friends can be very important. Often you need reassurance and, when it comes to telling your family, a supportive friend is worth their weight in gold. Many gay men find that the process of coming out is an emotional rollercoaster. It can be both exhilarating and terrifying, and may be the hardest thing they have ever had to do in their lives. Whether your initial reaction was one of `right-on' acceptance, or was one of anger, don't let that stop you talking to your gay friend. For some people the news will have come as a shock, and if that is the case it may take time for you to get used to the idea. There may be questions you want to ask, so don't be afraid to talk - it may be helpful for your gay friend too. However, it is important to remember that they may need to get used to talking openly about their sexuality. Some people put great effort into keeping the truth hidden, perhaps for many years, and changing that habit takes time. One word of warning - don't pry too deeply about what happens in the bedroom. Would you discuss your most intimate moments? Telling people is only part of the battle. Your gay friend may not yet have found the courage to visit any of the pubs, clubs or other venues where he can make friends with other gay men. It can feel threatening going through the door of a gay pub for the first time. Lots of thoughts go through your mind. What will happen? Will someone try to pick me up? What if they do? What if they don't?! Although it is true there are some places where people are only looking for sex, most likely all that will happen in a bar is that the barman will serve you. Even so, there is a whole new set of social conventions to learn, and in some ways it's like being a teenager all over again - unless, of course, you are a teenager . You can help your gay friend through this stage by giving gentle encouragement. There may be a coming out group in your area. You might even know other gay men to whom you could introduce your friend. Many gay pubs have a mixed crowd and you could offer to go along with them the first few times. Your local gay switchboard can advise on suitable venues. If you don't feel you can do this, you can still help by encouraging them to talk about their worries. Often the whole scenario of coming out is too big to take in, and it helps to break down the process into small steps. Help them to identify these steps. One area too important not to mention is that of safer sex. Since the early 80's AIDS has exacted a terrible death toll around the world. In the west the gay community has been especially hard hit, with many people falling ill while still in the prime of their lives. People who are coming out naturally worry about this. The thing to emphasise is that AIDS is entirely preventable. Make sure your friends know where to get information about safer sex practices. Most major hospitals have genito-urinary medicine (GUM) clinics with sexual health advisers that they can talk to. GUM clinics can also provide vaccinations against Hepatitis B, another disease which gay men should be aware of. Although coming out can be a painful process, most people eventually get past the stage of fear and worry and come to terms with their sexuality. They meet other gay men and integrate their sexuality into their everyday lives. Not everyone follows the gay scene slavishly, most of us are too busy worrying about our jobs, mortgage, weight - in other words our lives are just as exciting and just as mundane as anyone else's! Sometimes our straight friends may feel a bit left out as we make new acquaintances, perhaps having been through all the emotional ups and downs with us. This is only natural. For the gay man it is an exciting time and a time of personal growth. Unwittingly, he may give his old friends a back seat for a while, though this usually passes. At the end of the day we all need range of relationships to keep balance in our lives. Friendship is not only about liking people and enjoying their company. A deep and strong friendship is also about honesty, trust and caring about people. It is often said that coming out is a form of honesty, and is one which requires trust, so if your friend just came out he just paid you a compliment. That's friendship for you. Copyright: C Docherty 1996, 1999