Subject: Gay male Aging article
From: [email-masked]
Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2000 00:24:14 EST

I'm Glad that I'm Not Young Anymore:
Why Be Afraid of Growing Older as a Queer?

Michael Shernoff, MSW

Published in LGNY, March 23, 2000, Issue 128
Copyright 2000 Michael Shernoff

Permission is granted to copy or reproduce this article either in full or in
part, without prior written authorization of the author on the sole
condition that the author is credited and notified of reproduction. 

"The Greeks used to say that there is not a short life or a long life. 
There's only the life you have.  And the life you have is the life you have
been given, the life you work with.  It has its own shape, defines its own
arc and it is perfect." Henry Geldzahler, former NYC commissioner of
cultural affairs 

In both the stage and movie versions of Lerner and Lowe's Gigi, one of the
male leads sings a song entitled "I'm glad that I'm not young anymore"  in
which he gives all the reasons he is thrilled not to be a young man. The
song is a bit tongue in cheek, but is nevertheless an ode to the joys of
being older. Ok, so I admit that I'm a Broadway musical queen; I believe
that there's a lyric or line from American musical theater to fit any
occasion. I know that this admission already places me in a specific
generation of gay men;  yes I am almost 50.  Several friends and I (only
half teasingly) refer to ourselves as "the new face of middle age." But, we
also pride ourselves on being part of a generation of men who, as we grow
older, are comfortable with our age and see ourselves as role models for the
younger gay men now in early adulthood.  

Very little has been written in either the professional mental health
literature or in the popular gay press about how to age gracefully.  

"Amidst the demographic bulge of baby-boomers, many gay men and lesbians are
entering or traversing middle age," notes Dr. Robert Kertzner, a Manhattan
psychiatrist and one of the few professionals who has researched and
written about the topic.  "Yet, particularly in the case of gay men, there
is little community awareness of how individuals successfully negotiate
midlife transitions."  

This shortcoming, in Kertzner's view, is tied in part to the history of the
past two decades: "AIDS has resulted in the inestimable loss of voices that
would have described many stories of successful life transitions.  

An untold number of present and potential lovers, friends, mentors, and
protegees have died, thereby diminishing all gay men's experience of bonds
that bring together members of different generations and remind us of t he
continuity of life experience.  In addition, some currently middle-aged gay
men have survived the deaths of virtually all their contemporaries and feel
that no one is left alive to serve as a reference point for growing older." 

Men like myself are not bitter about being older, and do not resent younger 
men, their bodies or the ways they choose to have fun.  When you stop to
think about how many gay men who would have now been in their 40s or 50s if
not for the plague, aging should be a source of pride and triumph for all
of us.  I am writing this as a very contented middle aged queen, whose life
is blessed with a very interesting history, rich friendships, a satisfying
career, enough money and an abundance of stimulating and satisfying things
to do socially.  Not that life is perfect for any of us.  

While some of my generation has been coupled for one or two decades, there
are others who are widowers or just plain single.  

Not everyone is financially comfortably or in good health.  Yet there are
enough robust middle aged gay men for gay culture to begin to address the
special issues that aging gay men have. In the Broadway show Mame where 

Vera Charles asks Mame: "How old do you think I am?" 

"Somewhere between forty and death!" Mame responds, a comment which leads 
to a pregnant silence in which Vera shoots daggers at Mame.  

Kertzner described that many gay men in their 30s, 40s, and 50s whom he
interviewed for research studies and in his psychotherapy practice describe
a sense of invisibility about getting older, citing an absence of role
models and an absence of milestones to help define life changes associated
with aging. One of his patients said he could only foresee the land mines,
not the landmarks of getting older. Another said that his perception of gay
men's aging is that gay men went from adolescence to obsolescence with nothing in-between. 

Kertzner believes that these are misperceptions and that they exist for
several reasons.  First, the relatively novel concepts of gay identity and
community in their current forms for only 30 years or so, better address the
tasks of coming out and creating a new life than the incremental, but
universal experience of growing older. It is no secret that commercial gay
culture is overwhelmingly youth oriented. For years critics have noted how
almost all the images of gay men portrayed are young, hyper masculinized,
buffed, hairless and almost exclusively white men with impeccable bodies. It
would be refreshing and also help to reduce young men's fears of aging if
marketing aimed at gay consumers began to incorporate pictures of 
men of all ages, and if magazines featured at least some clothing and
styles appealing to older men.  

Despite the tragedies of burying my beloved partner too many friends, each
year has gotten better as has each decade. How do I account for this?  
 
First I have the good luck, despite being HIV positive, to have almost flawless 
health.  My physician tells me that I am in better physical condition than at 
any time for the past fifteen years that she has been my doctor.  Part of 
this is that I take exquisite care of myself by paying careful attention 
to what I eat, not doing any nonprescribed drugs, exercising
regularly, and getting enough rest.  Sure I do not have the same muscle
tone I had twenty years ago, but actually I am in better shape despite being 
in my late 40s.  

I used to be part of the disco, drugs, and sex circuit that predated the
current scene, and I loved it.  But somewhere in my mid 30s, I began to 
lose interest in that recreation.  I am not trashing bars, clubs, dancing or
a moderate use of recreational chemicals, but once I ceased to enjoy that
world I moved on with no regrets.  Part of aging gracefully for me has been
not trying to do everything I did ten, twenty or more years earlier.  

Doing AIDS prevention work many younger gay men have confided in me that 
part of the reason they did not engage in safer sex is that they did not 
want to live long enough to become an old queen.  Having several friends 
in their 60s, 70s and even 80s who are vibrant, interesting, fun men with
fascinating histories they generously share, I was shocked by this 
rationale.  My older friends possess a wisdom, serenity and breadth of life 
experience that are invaluable resources that I have counted upon for 
support when facing difficulties in my own life.  

Numerous gay men -- of various ages  complained to me about the lack of 
inter- generational contact among gay men for mentorship, role modeling, 
friendship, guidance and the cross pollination that happens when people of
different ages and generations come into regular contact. Growing older 
as gay men need not be something to be feared. 

I believe that my personal perspective can be extrapolated to many other 
people as well. My friend Rand who is 75, chides me when I describe 
myself as middle aged.

"To me you seem to be quite young still," he tells me, adding that though
he knows he is old, he does not feel or think of himself as old.  "Old 
is fifteen years older than I am," he tells me chuckling.    

There is no reason why gay culture should not parallel the world of food 
and wine where there are marvelous young cheeses and wines that are best 
consumed before they age like Beaujolais Nouveau which is anxiously 
anticipated each autumn.  Yet many cheeses are not even sold until they are 
properly aged, and some of the world's finest wines, cognacs and liquors 
are those that have been allowed to age to perfection.  Many of the elder 
members of our queer tribe   lead happier and richer lives precisely 
because they are not any longer in their youth.

Approaching Middle Age With Grace and Dignity

There is no magic about the process of growing older. Luck can play a 
factor, but many issue require planning. And there's promising indications 
that many gay men are achieving success in their transitions.  In a recent
study Dr. Kertzner conducted with gay men between the ages of 40 and 51,
more than one said that the current years of their lives were their best
ones.  Most of the men in the study described greater self-acceptance 
and self-knowledge, and more comfort disclosing their sexual orientation.  
Many described life satisfaction that derived from a sense of increasing 
proficiency in what they considered the important tasks of life, whether 
vocational or creative, or being a good friend, lover, or family member. 
 
Getting a Life

Each stage of life has it's own priorities.  It is completely appropriate
that many young gay men while starting a career, also place priority on 
what I call the five "Ds": Dick, Disco, Drugs, Dishing and Dining. Yet as
Dr. Robert Remien, a Manhattan psychologist notes: "In order to age with
dignity and grace it is essential for each man to develop personal 
interests, nurture relationships, and engage in meaningful work, thus doing 
things besides focusing on the physical (looks, attractiveness, etc.) and 
sexuality."

Accepting the Changes

Dr. Marshal Forstein, a psychiatrist in Boston, argues that aging comfort
ably is linked to making peace and with the loss of youth and with the 
ability to fantasize about prospects in the future with different types of 
reward than just physicality. He suggests that: 
"Aging is about finding new ways to understand yourself and others, and 
grieving what is lost in order to be able to anticipate with joy and 
wonder what may yet come. By feeling connected to both the past and the future
in a balanced way we maintain some integrity in the face of our 
mortality." Kertzner agrees with the points made by Forstein and adds: "It may be
that gay men who successfully move into middle age are those who 
continue to create their own definitions of what is important and are 
correspondingly engaged in life, let go of what did and didn't happen during young 
adulthood, and feel that their disparate life experiences make sense as 
part of a story that takes on increasing meaning and coherence during 
middle age."

The men I know who are aging with the least amount of anxiety are men who
do not try to do the exact same things they did when they were younger. 
Even if you have a great, muscular body in your 40s or 50s, you might 
want to think twice about trying to compete with the young gym bunnies by 
wearing tight and revealing clothes. Even if you look great in them, the 
overall effect might just make you appear foolish.

Fitness and Vitality

Contemporary gay culture is, of course, focused on the cult of the body, 
yet maintaining  physical flexibility and muscle tone (and mental agility)
is critical part of aging with grace. Regular exercising, accompanied by
appropriate stretching, maintains cardiovascular fitness, muscle tone, 
and strength, prevents stiffness, and are crucial to slowing down and 
even preventing  the worst ravishes of aging.

Planning

It is much easier to be an aging or old queen who is financially comfortable
than one who is not. It is never too early to begin to invest and plan
for your later years. Yes, this takes discipline, but it is a way of 
building a secure, even affluent future. But it is the rare young adult who
is financially well off, living comfortably, and saving for their future
simultaneously.

Leaving A Legacy

Each of us hope that our lives will have made an impact and that we will 
be remembered after we are gone.  For most heterosexuals that means children.
As more gay men choose to become fathers, this is one way to meet the 
needs most people have for what therapists call "generativity." 
"For me becoming a father and feeling invested in the future of the world
for my children has been an important aspect of feeling part of the 
universe in a more historical and cosmic way," says Forstein. 

For many of us, queer and AIDS activism will be part of the legacy we leave.
"Generativity can take any form that makes us feel that we have made 
a difference, or tried to, in making the world better than we found it," 
Forstein argues. And I think that once you really get the fact that you 
can't take all your toys with you, there is some sense of moving towards a
more spiritual than physical plain of existence." 

All of these issues obviously apply to people of all types, but rarely 
have they been directed specifically to gay men. As Kertzner notes: "Not 
only are individual lesbians and gay men moving through different stages of
life, but our understanding of  gay life itself is maturing as we recognize
that midlife is not an afterthought to gay life; it is a dynamic time
of transition during which many individuals go from coming out to coming
into the fullest measure of life yet experienced." 

Kertzner's perspective is echoed by Dr. Alex Carballo-Dieguez, another 
Manhattan psychologist.  He suggests that, "Our old age goal should be to 
be able to say, quoting the Chilean poet Pablo Neruda, 'Confieso que he vi
vido' (I confess that I have lived)."

Michael Shernoff, MSW is a psychotherapist in private practice in Manhattan.
He originally became known as "The Doctor Ruth of Gay Sex" due to the
pioneering sex positive AIDS prevention workshops he co-created for gay
men in the 1980s and subsequently for his frequent writing and lecturing
on gay male sexuality and relationships.  His most recent books are Gay
Widowers: Life After The Death of A Partner and AIDS and Mental Health 
Practice: Clinical and Policy Issues. He can be reached via his web site at
http://www.gaypsychotherapy.com

Key Words: Gay men, homosexuality,. Aging, middle age