From: "Shelly Roberts" Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 22:15:27 +0000 Subject: ROBERTS' RULES: If I could ROBERTS' RULES by Shelly Roberts THE DEFENSE RESTS IF I HAD MY LESBIAN LIFE TO LIVE OVER AGAIN I'D HAVE: Worn yellow and green on Thursdays. Told my folks it was their problem. But not their fault. Dated nicer women. Kissed more. Kissed-up less. Believed more in the Golden Rule. Believed less that any preacher's word was gospel. Put out a patent on the rainbow. Or at least gotten a copyright. Flirted back. Learned to dance forward. Really well. Bought stock in Home Depot. Felt the same about tofu. Voted differently. Voted at all. Not given a fig what the neighbors thought. Especially not the gay and lesbian ones. Registered as a Republican just to confuse 'em. Paid more attention in genetics 101 class. Thrown away my mother's mold. Treated my kids as if I were normal. Treated their kids the same, only earlier. Expected a bridal shower. (You just can't have enough toasters and blenders to return.) Expected anniversary presents and presence from the relatives. Sent fully imprinted Christmas cards to everyone, even gramma. Changed the camper-counselor relationship rules. Questioned everyone's authority. Well, except my own, of course. Been much more serious. But taken it all a lot less seriously. Been owned by more cats. Outed everyone for their own good. Bought my own truck. Asked more women to dance. Especially the sad ones. Listened to Michigan Music at least once without all my clothing. Returned the word "gay" to its original meaning. Written my own rules. Oops. Never mind. Nominated Congress as our primary source for natural gas. What the hey, run for Congress myself as an openly human person. Honored Jerry Springer for making non-gay people look equally as dumb on talk shows. Gone to the prom with a girlfriend. Heck, gone to the prom with TWO girlfriends. (Since the whole purpose of a prom is to make everyone else jealous at how well you're doing. A competitive sport. Degree of Difficulty 4.9) Picketed the prom as sexist, genderist, and homophobic and donated the corsage money. Called someone "straight" in a seriously nasty tone repeatedly just to see how they liked it. Loved more. Hated less. Wished for more. Done less. Dreamed much bigger along the way. Realized sooner that the purpose of life is not just to get through to the end Oh, yeah, and I'd have worn more sunscreen. Fortunately, since life's not over yet, I get another chance to live it over again, the way it should be. Phew. ------------------------- (C) 1999. Shelly Roberts. All rights reserved. Must be reprinted only in its entirety with permission. Shelly Roberts, an internationally syndicated columnist, journalist, and author of the 1999 Roberts' Rules of Lesbian Living Daily Calendar (Spinsters Ink.), is also the Possible Dreamer producing The Rainbow Celebration Concert, Oct. 13-15, 2000. Atlanta.