Date: Wed, 21 Jul 1999 23:15:05 +0000 Subject: ROBERTS' RULES Saints _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ROBERTS' RULES by Shelly Roberts SAINTS PRESERVE US Barney Frank, said, recently "When your enemy is busy committing suicide, DON'T INTERRUPT!" He was, of course referring to the Conservative Wrong. Those of us who have been on public media know that, whether it's Brokaw or Oprah, some surrealistic standard reigns with less to do about even-handed journalism and Pulitzer prizes, than with 1800 Nielsen voters. It's so-called "balanced" journalism, and apparently requires, when legitimate GLBT representatives appear in broadcast, that there be a counter-weight by some unbalanced, rigid religionist acting out inadequate elementary lavatory lessons. Initially, we try countering with brilliant logic, precise scientific data, urban sociology, persuasive psychometrics. To which they eloquently respond "PERVERTED CHILD MOLESTER!!!!!!," defying reality, which lays nearly all molestation at the guilty feet of heterosexual men with prepubescent girls. Later , we understand our audience isn't the bigot before us, but the impressionable, attentive audience. Understanding this intellect vs. adversary relationship, I've crafted my own countermeasures. I keep quiet. Uninterrupted, they make themselves look stupid. Then I laugh. Loud. And long. Like I've never heard anything so funny. Grown men cry. Bible school doesn't cover being made foolish. Then, emerging, lion victor against "Christian" contestant, coup de grace, I twist back their tactics. "THERE YOU GO AGAIN." I respond to the next utterance, claiming for myself a perfect slice of Ronald Reagan wry. Easy for me, who doesn't pray for daily bread. Besides, I have a compadre who does. Who knows his religion chapter and verse. Reverend Mel White. Former holy-ghost writer to Falwell and Robertson. A true believer, his book, STRANGER AT THE GATE explains how he, so much not wanting to be gay, did Christian counseling and retreats, marriage, denial, and shock therapy before understanding that he had no choice. Mel's our best direct contradiction to Falwell. He's taken him on through open letters, to bring down the bully pulpit. Mel started the dialogue (http://www.soulforce.net) asking for discussion, consideration, and rethinking of rigid doctrine. He got back terrible tolerance. The kind that claims to love the sinner not the sin, and mostly displays stubborn ignorance. Unfortunately, erudite as the missives from Mel are, they still optimistically read a bit too like Betty Freidan debating science while Phyllis Schlaffly screams, "DEAD BABIES!" Nevertheless, Mel White, using methods Ghandi and King perfected, has courted our devil determined to convert him. I'm just afraid he's missed an awful truth. Since the commies are dead, we're the best fund raiser. So long as Crystal palaces still cost pretty pennies, and the Sacred Brotherhood measures salvation by banknote, there'll be no redemption till we can productively replace ourselves. Naturally, I have a few suggestions. How about vilifying Drivers who never turn off their left turn signals? Or revilingSneaks with smiles who jump ahead in line. Maybe the coin collection could be better bolstered by berating Persons who refuse to remove garage sale signs by next Sunday? A damn shame, no? Kidding aside, it has been my experience that you can't remove a man's income without replacing it and not expect to get resistance. Mel White deserves high praise. But he may be looking in the wrong place for Christian charity. Perhaps it's better found looking in his opponent's congregation's wallets. And figuring out what would invite wealth without invoking us. I'll be thinking more about this when I join Mel on a "church outing" next October (10/23-24/99) to Lynchburg, Virginia to visit the wrong reverend, Mr. Falwell. Y'all are invited to join us on this sacred mission to bring him the truth. Fact is, if to know us is to love us, then all of us showing up on the church steps just might show Mr. Falwell what true Christian love and compassion really look like. I'll look for you there. (To plan your trip, email revmel@aol.com .) Then, when Brother Jerry starts in on that abomination stuff again, I'll be there to lead the congregation in a group rendition of "THERE YOU GO AGAIN!" And after that we'll all laugh until hell won't have us. ------------------------- (C) 1999. Shelly Roberts. All rights reserved. Must be reprinted only in its entirety with permission. Shelly Roberts, an internationally syndicated columnist, journalist, and author of the 1999 Roberts' Rules of Lesbian Living Daily Calendar (Spinsters Ink.)