Subject: ROBERTS' RULES: POLITICS
From: "Shelly Roberts" <[email-masked]>
Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 12:26:25 +0000

ROBERTS' RULES

by 

Shelly Roberts

POLITICS AS UNUSUAL

Good morning, Class. Welcome to Advanced Surrealism in Everyday Gay
and Lesbian Life. Please take your seats and we'll begin.

Our first lesson for the day will be Politics 101:

Once upon a time (This is going to be a FAIRY tale, of course)  one of
us had the notion that if we were all that illegal, then we should do
something about changing the laws.  "Let's find some candidates who
like us." we cried. And after a lot of searching, we found some brave,
straight souls who already knew how to run for office and win,
promised them presents like relatively legal campaign contributions
and the illusion that we voted, and asked them "Please, please,
please, Sir, if we help get you elected, could you help us change the
status-queer?"

And low, (we weren't all that good enough at it yet to make it a HIGH
art) and behold, we tossed them money and made them believe that we
voted, and occasionally they noticed that we weren't being treated
all that nicely, and they offered us a bone or straw, a couple of
street banners, and a civic park to hold our now-city-sanctioned pride
parties. (When it didn't cost them more money or votes from "other
people," and those "other people"  didn't say too many nasty things
about the candidate's own orientation or bachelor
brother-in-law.)"Victory!" we cried.

And on every pride day throughout the land, politicians came to court
us, promising us anything left over in their goodie bag that hadn't
been given out to the supplicants at previous Baptist conventions. And
many of us believed them.

Then some silly souls said, "Not enough."  (No doubt quoting Harvey
Fierstein in Torch Song Trilogy.)  "What we need," they declaimed, 
"We need us some candidates of our own."

Shocking. But with mere arm-twisting, leverage, fund withholding,
party-politics, dirty tricks left over from the Nixon administration,
and finding our most girl-and-boy-next-doors to represent us, we
wandered into the political arena, and raised our hands victorious.

Oh, not immediately, of course. In the bad old days we encountered
some opposition from people giving their religion a bad name, and we
lost, repeatedly and regularly, 38 percent FOR,  and everybody else
AGAINST. Not for long however. Though some claimed 38 percent FOR was
victory, others said, "Phooey. Losing is losing. Rerun."

And the miracle of persistence paid off. Soon we were losing by only
41 percent FOR. Then 48 percent FOR.  And finally - hosannas in the
highest - we won. And we said, "Hey, winning is good!"

Throughout the land, soon it was impossible nearly anywhere, to call
anyone  "the first openly gay (or lesbian -we were learning to say the
word without muttering or stuttering) elected _______. We'd
been that, done there. (If you count in all the us's who were already
there, but just hadn't bothered to shout through their official closet
doors, who kicked and screamed their way out to the joy of being "free
at last, free at last.")  And the landscape began to blossom under 
the political rainbow.

And so we all lived happily-ever-after. Right, Boys and Girls? 

Not so fast.

DATELINE, NEW YORK CITY.

According to the New York Post, that vessel of journalistic integrity,
yet another dully elected official is coming once again under attack
for her orientation.  Not merely attack, "VICIOUS attack. <Sigh> Here
we go again. Just when we thought it was safe to go out into the
politics.

Ok, here's the story. It seems that New York City Council Woman
Christine Quinn is fighting to fend off a reprehensible smear campaign
- battling a truly nasty, ugly, base, vile, and absolutely inaccurate
rumor: 

The rumor is that she ISN'T  (repeat, is NOT) gay!

Phew! Can't get any nastier than that. 

It seems Christine ran for her post in a heavily rainbow district as
an openly, happily-monogamous lesbian. In her district that was a
marriage made in heaven. But then, alas, she (gasp) (political
suicide) broke up with her girlfriend.  

And as we know, when you're defined by who you're with, when you
aren't with anybody, then who are you?

Well, it gets even worse. It wasn't enough merely to besmirch her 
upstanding homosexual name. The dirty tricksters also assassinated 
the exemplary character of a perfectly innocent (not always an 
oxymoron) gay man. Charity consultant, Wayne Kowadler, the insistent 
rumor mongers claimed, was having a steamy affair with our esteemed 
Councilperson. They said they'd even "bought a dog."

"Not true! Not true!"  The ever-chivalrous Sir Wayne decried,
defending her honor's honor by loudly proclaiming "I've never had sex
with a woman!"

"I am not now, nor have I ever been a heterosexual." said an 
indignant Kowadler. "Not that there's - " (ever mindful of 
constituents) - "anything wrong with that."  

As so our poor, embattled, lesbian Councilone must stand, as Joan of
Arc against the Zippo lighter, must withstand and defend against the 
derision and malicious slandering that, for all too long, invokes a 
politician's sexual orientation against her. While she courageously 
defends that she "-is too a lesbian." So there.

<Sigh again.> Have we done our jobs TOO WELL?

Homework assignment: Chapters 41-46: The Joe and Charlie McCarthy
Years; were they really a couple, or "who're you calling a dummy?"

Class dismissed.

-------------------------

(C) 1999. Shelly Roberts. All rights reserved. Must be reprinted only
in its entirety with permission.

Shelly Roberts, an internationally syndicated columnist, journalist,
and author of the 1999 Roberts' Rules of Lesbian Living Daily Calendar
(Spinsters Ink.), is also the Possible Dreamer producing The Rainbow
Celebration Concert, Oct. 13-15, 2000. Atlanta.
@LIST6063.PML