From: "Shelly Roberts" Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 12:26:25 +0000 Subject: ROBERTS' RULES: POLITICS ROBERTS' RULES by Shelly Roberts POLITICS AS UNUSUAL Good morning, Class. Welcome to Advanced Surrealism in Everyday Gay and Lesbian Life. Please take your seats and we'll begin. Our first lesson for the day will be Politics 101: Once upon a time (This is going to be a FAIRY tale, of course) one of us had the notion that if we were all that illegal, then we should do something about changing the laws. "Let's find some candidates who like us." we cried. And after a lot of searching, we found some brave, straight souls who already knew how to run for office and win, promised them presents like relatively legal campaign contributions and the illusion that we voted, and asked them "Please, please, please, Sir, if we help get you elected, could you help us change the status-queer?" And low, (we weren't all that good enough at it yet to make it a HIGH art) and behold, we tossed them money and made them believe that we voted, and occasionally they noticed that we weren't being treated all that nicely, and they offered us a bone or straw, a couple of street banners, and a civic park to hold our now-city-sanctioned pride parties. (When it didn't cost them more money or votes from "other people," and those "other people" didn't say too many nasty things about the candidate's own orientation or bachelor brother-in-law.)"Victory!" we cried. And on every pride day throughout the land, politicians came to court us, promising us anything left over in their goodie bag that hadn't been given out to the supplicants at previous Baptist conventions. And many of us believed them. Then some silly souls said, "Not enough." (No doubt quoting Harvey Fierstein in Torch Song Trilogy.) "What we need," they declaimed, "We need us some candidates of our own." Shocking. But with mere arm-twisting, leverage, fund withholding, party-politics, dirty tricks left over from the Nixon administration, and finding our most girl-and-boy-next-doors to represent us, we wandered into the political arena, and raised our hands victorious. Oh, not immediately, of course. In the bad old days we encountered some opposition from people giving their religion a bad name, and we lost, repeatedly and regularly, 38 percent FOR, and everybody else AGAINST. Not for long however. Though some claimed 38 percent FOR was victory, others said, "Phooey. Losing is losing. Rerun." And the miracle of persistence paid off. Soon we were losing by only 41 percent FOR. Then 48 percent FOR. And finally - hosannas in the highest - we won. And we said, "Hey, winning is good!" Throughout the land, soon it was impossible nearly anywhere, to call anyone "the first openly gay (or lesbian -we were learning to say the word without muttering or stuttering) elected _______. We'd been that, done there. (If you count in all the us's who were already there, but just hadn't bothered to shout through their official closet doors, who kicked and screamed their way out to the joy of being "free at last, free at last.") And the landscape began to blossom under the political rainbow. And so we all lived happily-ever-after. Right, Boys and Girls? Not so fast. DATELINE, NEW YORK CITY. According to the New York Post, that vessel of journalistic integrity, yet another dully elected official is coming once again under attack for her orientation. Not merely attack, "VICIOUS attack. Here we go again. Just when we thought it was safe to go out into the politics. Ok, here's the story. It seems that New York City Council Woman Christine Quinn is fighting to fend off a reprehensible smear campaign - battling a truly nasty, ugly, base, vile, and absolutely inaccurate rumor: The rumor is that she ISN'T (repeat, is NOT) gay! Phew! Can't get any nastier than that. It seems Christine ran for her post in a heavily rainbow district as an openly, happily-monogamous lesbian. In her district that was a marriage made in heaven. But then, alas, she (gasp) (political suicide) broke up with her girlfriend. And as we know, when you're defined by who you're with, when you aren't with anybody, then who are you? Well, it gets even worse. It wasn't enough merely to besmirch her upstanding homosexual name. The dirty tricksters also assassinated the exemplary character of a perfectly innocent (not always an oxymoron) gay man. Charity consultant, Wayne Kowadler, the insistent rumor mongers claimed, was having a steamy affair with our esteemed Councilperson. They said they'd even "bought a dog." "Not true! Not true!" The ever-chivalrous Sir Wayne decried, defending her honor's honor by loudly proclaiming "I've never had sex with a woman!" "I am not now, nor have I ever been a heterosexual." said an indignant Kowadler. "Not that there's - " (ever mindful of constituents) - "anything wrong with that." As so our poor, embattled, lesbian Councilone must stand, as Joan of Arc against the Zippo lighter, must withstand and defend against the derision and malicious slandering that, for all too long, invokes a politician's sexual orientation against her. While she courageously defends that she "-is too a lesbian." So there. Have we done our jobs TOO WELL? Homework assignment: Chapters 41-46: The Joe and Charlie McCarthy Years; were they really a couple, or "who're you calling a dummy?" Class dismissed. ------------------------- (C) 1999. Shelly Roberts. All rights reserved. Must be reprinted only in its entirety with permission. Shelly Roberts, an internationally syndicated columnist, journalist, and author of the 1999 Roberts' Rules of Lesbian Living Daily Calendar (Spinsters Ink.), is also the Possible Dreamer producing The Rainbow Celebration Concert, Oct. 13-15, 2000. Atlanta. @LIST6063.PML