Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999 22:42:04 +0000


ROBERTS' RULES
by
Shelly Roberts

IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS

It's the language thing again.

I thought we had this well discussed, but then I realized just
discussing it wasn't enough. Something had to be done. No, not the
"queer, dyke, fag" debate, the "honey" thing.

Now that Mumsy and Dadz are just as likely to ask us to dinner or call
us up on Saturday mornings to meddle in our coupled lives as in the
lives of our less-fortunately coupled siblings, we just don't have the
language. How do we let them describe our, um, "persons" to their
crochet club chums or fishing buddies.  We need new words.

I mean, let's look at what we've gotten saddled with up to now:

LOVER - Way more information than most casual acquaintances or family
members want, or for that matter, need to know. 

PARTNER - business?  In crime? 

PARTNER - DOMESTIC?  One cleans. The other doesn't.

MAIN SQUEEZE - You're carrying on with an orange.

FRIEND - I hope so, but it doesn't cover it.

BEST FRIEND - Often ends up as your LOVER, but still doesn't explain
to the IRS why so many of your tax deductions have someone else's
signature on the credit card receipts. SEE PARTNER - Business.

SPOUSE - a very small rodent attracted to cheeses beginning with S.

MATE - You're secretly paired with an Australian. 

BETTER HALF - Which doesn't say a whole lot about you now, does it?

BALL AND CHAIN - Married to the mob?

CONSORT - You're coupled with the Queen. Not A queen.THE Queen.

HUSBAND - Popular with gay men, well, one gay man in the couple
usually. Makes lesbians wince.

WIFE - Politically incorrect. Unless she does laundry and backrubs.
Then it's insouciant. And retro.

OLD MAN / OLD LADY - Best used safely only by persons under 30 amongst
themselves.

BRIDE - Best used only in the plural.

GROOM - Ditto.

And, as long as we're discussing discussing wedded bliss, could
someone puleez explain to  me the bizarre straight line logic in
non-gay weddings that has the Bride marrying someone other than "The
Best Man"? I mean, what kind of sense does that make? Especially when
the custom would have her conjoin with the person designated to clean
up after horses? 

Well, you get the idea. We need new words. So I've taken the liberty,
and taken on the task. Here are some brand new choices for describing
your - um, well,  your:

ESTEAM -Looks good on your arm, dresses well, has a great job,
volunteers for all the right causes, and your family approves. Makes
your knees go weak and vapor escape your ears.

TIDE -  Been knotted since before puberty. Through ebbs and swells.

GOOM- Not someone you're all that happy with.

GOOM-BYE  - The ex who never laughed at your jokes.

EVITAR -  You look gorgeous together, and dream of world domination.

FLANGENON - It started out as a lark, but you just kept waking up
still together.

SYMBIOT - Your friends can't manage to say one of your names without
the other.

GMAZER - Don't you two look swell in the truck you bought.

INFISET - You know you'll be together forever and ever.

MISINFISET - Oops! Never mind!

SPOUSTER - Years after you've split, they'll still be coming to
Christmas. Mom really does like them best.

DETENTA - You've reached such a happy agreement.

DETONATA - Some weeks it's really explosive. 

DETONTO - One week you're the cow person, the next week you're the
Native American.

FLASHION - Because you just look so darn cute walking down the street
holding hands. That's why.

SUFO - A relationship that's special, undefined, and really outta this
world.

REPETATA - Can't live together. Can't figure out how to split the cat.
Serialus Monogamus Interruptus.

REPETATA AD NAUSEUM - Are THEY back together again!?

FLANCY - This week's fling.

PASSING FLANCY - Last week's fling.

SHOHONEY - You can dress 'em up, AND take 'em anywhere.

THEONE - (pronounced: thee-own)
You know, The One.

NICERBY - Rock solid. Thick/thin. Loves the kids. 

Now that we've given up believing that we can't have room of our own,
that everything we do is somehow, necessarily modeled after Ozzie and
Harriet, I say it's time we had words of our own.

Please feel free to speak for yourself.
________________________
(C) 1999. Shelly Roberts. All rights reserved. 
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Shelly Roberts is an internationally syndicated columnist, journalist
and author of the 1999 Roberts' Rules of Lesbian Living Daily
Calendar. (Spinsters Ink.)