From: "Shelly Roberts" Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1998 13:34:06 +0000 Subject: ROBERTS' RULES: Dating __________________ ROBERTS' RULES by Shelly Roberts ROBERTS' RULES OF LESBIAN DATING* *Excerpted from (where else?) Roberts' Rules of Lesbian Dating, (Spinsters Ink) Naturally, YOU don't need these rules, because you, like just about every other lesbian on the discovered continents, are already in a long-term, committed, ever-and-ever, off-into-the-sunset relationship that is going to last until Jesse Helms dates boys. But---- -- just in case the Southern gentleman has a change of heart, or your current does, maybe you ought to clip this and put it in the safety deposit box for rereading at a time when you're waiting for someone to ask you to dance. ( If, however, you're not currently serially entangled, contact me through this paper. Maybe we could go catch a flick some time? - SEE RULE #8.) Since just assuming that the old boy-girl rules actually will translate to lesbiana is a sure, straight course to a Saturday night tv dinner and reruns of The Highlander and Zena, Warrior Princess, I thought these might help. OUR Rules. The ones you've been waiting for since just after you broke up with your very first girlfriend and had to face the age-old lesbian question: "Omigod! Whadda I do NOW!?!" Lesbian dating is difficult. But it doesn't have to be a complete contradiction in terms. ====> Roberts' Rules of Lesbian Dating <====== 1. It is never a good idea to ask someone to marry you BEFORE the first date. 2. On the first date, don't get anything tatoo'd. Or Pierced. 3. It is better to break up with your current lover BEFORE sleeping with your date. It isn't statistically likely, but it IS better. 4. It's a numbers game. Kiss a lot of frogs. 5. Dating services are a wonderful way to meet women you wouldn't want to date. 6. Many lesbians would date more than one available lesbian at a time - if there WERE that many. 7. It isn't fair to keep dating someone just because there isn't someone else. 8. If you don't ask, the answer is always "No." 9. In the new reality, getting AIDS tested together IS considered a date. 10. The purpose of lesbian dating is never to have to do it again. 11. While searching for Ms. Right, you will also end up eating dinner with Ms.Self-Righteous and Ms. Always Right. 12. Dating a woman who is unhappier than you are will not make either of you happier. 13. Like puppies, lesbian dates tend to follow you home. 14. Your mother only warned you about calling BOYS first. 15. If it is not - at some level - about sex, it is not - at any level - a date. 16. Never loan a date more money than she is old. 17. You should try to come out of the bedroom at least with the changing of the seasons. 18. Date the same woman more than three times, and all your friends will presume you are married. So will the woman you are dating. 19. A new date should not be considered "revenging" your ex. 20. Date more than five different women a year, and your reputation will exceed you. 21. It's a good idea to remember that dating is supposed to be fun. 22. If you meet her in a bar, don't be surprised if she drinks. 23. Monogamist and polyamorists will never convince one another. 24. "I love you." and "The sex is great!" are NOT the same things. 25. You can't meet Ms. Right by sitting at home unless Ms. Right is the Fedex driver. 26. It is much easier to ask the woman next to the woman you want to dance with, to dance. 27. Seeing each other every day, sleeping together, and not going out with anyone else IS lesbian dating. 28. If you believe you'll never find anyone, you and you alone will be absolutely right. 29. Dating is that brief period between long stretches of talking to yourself. 30. Lesbians are the only ones who find it necessary t break up with a date. _______________________ (C) 1998. Shelly Roberts. All rights reserved. A one-time simultaneous print right is hereby granted to subscribing newspapers; all other rights, including electronic or digital reproduction are reserved. Must be reprinted only in its entirety. Shelly Roberts is an internationally syndicated columnist, journalist and author of the next set of Roberts' Rules: Lesbian Dating. (May, '98 Spinsters Ink.)