From: "Shelly Roberts" Date: Wed, 11 Feb 1998 22:48:02 +0000 Subject: ROBERTS' RULES: Lawyer __________________ ROBERTS' RULES by Shelly Roberts NO JOKE There are some things in life you just take for granted. Your refrigerator. The wheels on your car. That the rain will stop. The US Postal Service. And Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund. Our lawyers. That's right. This is going to be a column about lawyers. But I promise to try to get through the whole thing without making even one lawyer joke. Unless I already just did. I only needed a lawyer four times in my life. First when I was impersonating a heterosexual and newly married to Whatsisname. He was as young as I was, but we had real different capital operating systems. I figured I ought to have money before I bought something. He had credit cards. He figured if the suit ripped before it was paid off, why should he keep paying for it? So we needed a bankruptcy lawyer because in that particular State of holy matri-money, if he went bankrupt, I'd get stuck with the debt. Cogito Ergo Perry Mason. When I begin referring to him as my "first husband," I looked in the phone book under "who can get me on the docket in a week if he slips the court clerk an extra twenty?" Mattlock times two. Later, in a more "compatible" world, I had a thermo-nuclear rupture that caused me to turn a good committee chum into a raging Gloria Alred on my behalf to get my fair half of the house proceeds. And now, as we set up the Rainbow Celebration Company to create a grand Gay 90's celebration concert in Atlanta in the year 2000, I need attorneys who speak Debenture and Preferred as well as Latin. Four times I needed a lawyer. Maybe more than most people. Maybe not. Last week I was attended a 25th anniversary party for Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund (Another group that needs to get the F out of its name?) Twenty Five years! Like the Maytag. Reliable. Dependable. Relentlessly and repeatedly working. Even when we weren't watching. In my relentless crusade to nag all of us into saying "thank you" to each of us for all the work we've done, I want to make sure that Lambda Legal is on your list. You're safer because in 1972 someone figured out that we needed our own protection. You probably didn't know that the first group had to sue the State of New York for the right to exist. That they served a real purpose. The State didn't think so. Fortunately, the group knew some good lawyers. Lambda has been there for Colorado, overturning the heinous Amendment 2. They're still working tirelessly in Hawaii for the equal opportunity for lawyers at some point in the not too distant future to collect big fees for glbt divorces too. Right to marry. Right to work. Right to life. (Oops. That's another group entirely.) It really isn't my baliwick, and so far I've been lucky. I haven't been fired because I was a lesbian, or lost custody of my kids. No one beat me up in high school for being a dyklette. Oh, sure, ignored me for being a nerd, okay. But you can't sue for that. You CAN sue for harassment if you're a young gay man. Lambda sued. And won a big settlement. As a result, they put all the schools in the country on notice that they were responsible for their gay and lesbian children too. I can't quote you chapter and verse about what's on the docket this year for LLDEF. I certainly can't even cite case law accurately about their specific achievements on our behalf. I can tell you, though, that I always know they're there. If I get into glbt trouble, trouble, I know where to turn. Oh sure, I know that if what I need a lawyer for is something that won't break legal ground, they may not move me to the top of the list, or even take the case. So many cases, so few lawyers. (Bet you never expected to hear anyone but a lawyer say THAT!) But they'll point me to someone who will respect my right to be represented. And they'll offer precedent and supporting briefs and information. Okay. Okay. A lawyer, a sea bass and a trombone were vacationing in St. Maarten and_.. No. I can't. I promised. Just in case you were wondering what to give to a lawyer for a celebration of a twenty-fifth birthday, I think a check is always in very good taste. So the bartender says to the lawyer, "You can't come in here without __ Lambda, did I remember to say "thank you?" Two lawyers and a rabbi were fishing_. Thanks, Lambda. Thanks for everything. Happy Birthday! _______________________ (C) 1998. Shelly Roberts. All rights reserved. A one-time simultaneous print right is hereby granted to subscribing newspapers; all other rights, including electronic or digital reproduction are reserved. Must be reprinted only in its entirety. Shelly Roberts is an internationally syndicated columnist, and the author of the newest best-selling Roberts' Rules of Lesbian Break Ups. (Spinsters Ink.)