Subject: ROBERTS' RULES: Lawyer
From: "Shelly Roberts" <[email-masked]>
Date: Wed, 11 Feb 1998 22:48:02 +0000

__________________ ROBERTS' RULES by Shelly Roberts

NO JOKE

There are some things in life you just take for granted.  Your
refrigerator.  The wheels on your car. That the rain will stop.  The
US Postal Service. And Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund. Our
lawyers.

That's right. This is going to be a column about lawyers.  But I
promise to try to get through the whole thing without making even one
lawyer joke.  Unless I already just did.

I only needed a lawyer four times in my life.  First when I was
impersonating a heterosexual and newly married to Whatsisname. He was
as young as I was, but we had real different capital operating
systems.  I figured I ought to have money before I bought something. 
He had credit cards.  He figured if the suit ripped before it was paid
off, why should he keep paying for it? So we needed a bankruptcy
lawyer because in that particular State of holy matri-money, if he
went bankrupt, I'd get stuck with the debt. Cogito Ergo Perry Mason.

When I begin referring to him as my "first husband,"  I looked in the
phone book under "who can get me on the docket in a week if he slips
the court clerk an extra twenty?"  Mattlock times two.

Later, in a more "compatible" world, I had a thermo-nuclear rupture
that caused me to turn a good committee chum into a raging Gloria
Alred on my behalf to get my fair half of the house proceeds.

And now, as we set up the Rainbow Celebration Company to create a
grand Gay 90's celebration concert in Atlanta in the year 2000, I need
attorneys who speak Debenture and Preferred as well as Latin. Four
times I needed a lawyer.  Maybe more than most people. Maybe not.

Last week I was attended a 25th anniversary party for Lambda Legal
Defense and Education Fund (Another group that needs to get the F out
of its name?)  Twenty Five years! Like the Maytag. Reliable.
Dependable.  Relentlessly and repeatedly working. Even when we weren't
watching.

In my relentless crusade to nag all of us into saying "thank you" to
each of us for all the work we've done, I want to make sure that
Lambda Legal is on your list. 

You're safer because in 1972 someone figured out that we needed our
own protection.  You probably didn't know that the first group had to
sue the State of New York for the right to exist. That they served a
real purpose.  The State didn't think so. Fortunately, the group knew
some good lawyers.  

Lambda has been there for Colorado, overturning  the heinous Amendment
2. They're still working tirelessly in Hawaii for the equal
opportunity for lawyers at some point in the not too distant future to
collect big fees for glbt divorces too. Right to marry.  Right to
work.  Right to life. (Oops.  That's another group entirely.)

It really isn't my baliwick, and so far I've been lucky.  I haven't
been fired because I was a lesbian, or lost custody of my kids.  No
one beat me up in high school for being a dyklette.  Oh, sure, ignored
me for being a nerd, okay.  But you can't sue for that.  You CAN sue
for harassment if you're a young gay man. Lambda sued. And won a big
settlement.  As a result, they put all the schools in the country on
notice that they were responsible for their gay and lesbian children
too.  

I can't quote you chapter and verse  about what's on the docket this
year for LLDEF.  I certainly can't even cite case law accurately about
their specific achievements on our behalf.  I can tell you, though,
that I always know they're there.  If I get into glbt trouble,
trouble, I know where to turn.  Oh sure, I know that if what I need a
lawyer for is something that won't break legal ground, they may not
move me to the top of the list, or even take the case.  So many cases,
so few lawyers. (Bet you never expected to hear anyone but a lawyer
say THAT!) But they'll point me to someone who will respect my right
to be represented.  And they'll offer precedent and supporting briefs
and information.

Okay. Okay.  A lawyer, a sea bass and a trombone were vacationing in
St. Maarten and_..  No.  I can't.  I promised.

Just in case you were wondering what to give to a lawyer for a
celebration of a twenty-fifth birthday, I think a check is always in
very good taste.

So the bartender says to the lawyer, "You can't come in here without
__

Lambda, did I remember to say "thank you?" 

Two lawyers and a rabbi were fishing_. 

Thanks, Lambda.  Thanks for everything. Happy Birthday!

 _______________________
(C) 1998. Shelly Roberts. All rights reserved. A one-time simultaneous
print right is hereby granted to subscribing newspapers; all other
rights, including electronic or digital reproduction are reserved.
Must be reprinted only in its entirety.

Shelly Roberts is an internationally syndicated columnist, and the
author of the newest best-selling Roberts' Rules of Lesbian Break Ups.
(Spinsters Ink.)