Subject: ROBERTS' RULES: Rosie
From: "Shelly Roberts" <[email-masked]>
Date: Wed, 14 Jan 1998 13:28:31 +0000

ROBERTS' RULES 

 by Shelly Roberts

 EVERYTHING'S COMING OUT ROSIE
 ________________________

A friend and I were debating the merits of Rosie O'Donnell ever outing
herself, and her argument against, took the interesting form of
suggesting that she can't because so much of her show is devoted to
kids. A good argument, I thought. For 1982. Or the middle 70's.  The
Eighteen 70's.

Here's how the debate went:

Life, it seems to me is a self-fulfilling prophesy. 

Now suppose for a moment that Rosie O' Donnell should happen to be a
lesbian. Not that I would mean to imply by that supposition that she
actually is, but hypothetically, let's just say, for the sake of
argument that she were one. You know? A lesbian. 

I know. It's hard. But sometimes you have to push the boundaries of
imagination, and since we all know that ANYONE COULD potentially - no
harm intended here - be one. So. Let's just give it a shot. Let's say,
just for the moment, that she is. You know? A Lezbo.

The argument is that she has a huge kid audience, and opens her show
with kid material. If she came out, she would lose her audience of
kids and Midwestern-values folks, totally clueless as we know all
those good, fine folks to be (must be something in the corn), would
run screaming from her, shouting "Betrayal! Blasphemy! Big Dyke!"

So let's step back to see who set up this dyke-otomy.

Was it written into the script that Mz. O'Donnell was required to tell
kid jokes? Where? I'd like to buy that script and keep it with my
unopened Madonna Sex book, and my uncancelled sheets of First Day
Elvis stamps. It'd be worth something in flea markets some day, doncha
think?

I saw the early shows. What Miss Rosie had taped to the desk was not
the last kid joke. Besides her hopes and dreams to get to stay on tv,
and play with the famous folk, and get invited to cool parties, what
Miss Rosie had taped to the desk was the last intro joke. Or the last
funny classified that advertised divorces and gun permits in the same
ad.

Nobody took out one of those permits and held a gun to dear
O'Donnell's head to tell kid jokes, or encourage kids to send stuff in
that would eventually see the light of afternoon tv  and
not-for-profit print. Seems to me that Mizz O' D did it because it was
funny. And popular. 

It was, (coincidentally?) also exactly the stuff that would allow a
not-quite-secure closetizen the luxury of staying there. Prophesy
self-fulfilled. " I can't come out NOW, can I? What would kids think?
Or the parents?" Cogito ergo I better stay in the safe.

Why would an "alleged" lesbian choose to craft her show in exactly the
manner that would cause her to have to hesitate being honest? Why risk
setting up a scenario that would make it nearly impossible to bring
full integrity to the party and keep your good-paying job? Would 4000
years of bad lesbian PR explain it?  Would to me.  Not make it right. 
 Or better.  But fear is easy to understand under the circumstances.
Lots to lose, huh?

Now I know that Ellen's accolades were still in the uncertain future
when Rosie was blooming. There was no national precedent to lean on
crafting Rosie's format.

But here's what I wish for now:

I wish that Rosie's audience would love her just the same if she were
a lesbian and were willing to say so. I wish that the universe simply
said, "Oh, look, lesbians can be funny. And warm. And charming. And
love kids. And do good and charitable things for kids. Isn't that nice
to know amongst all the other new things the world has recently taught
us about women of the homoaffectional direction." without once booing
or turning her and the tv off.

Wouldn't it be exquisite if the network, which has already profited
from Rosie's squeaky clean "aunt-ness" (nearly every family owns one),
could come to her defense even though a few misguided Midwesterners
(or Southerners, or Easterners or Anywherers) complained about THOSE
people on tv, as though she weren't a decent, charming, funny citizen
with every right to entertain us with her extraordinary talent.

I know it's just thinkful wishing. But I have to tell you, in my
lifetime I've seen more amazing things happen. And Ellen's effort, for
however long they let her do it, have propelled the US geometrically.
Hey, I've seen the President of the United States tell me on tv to
come out to everyone I know.  So I still believe that anything is
possible. 

Even Rosie coming out, being able to teach that being a lesbian and
loving kids isn't just possible, it's natural. And keep her job. And
be a bigger success. Wouldn't that be something?

Because, unless she does, of course, how will she ever know it can be
done?  Ask Ellen. Or me.

That is... IF Rosie WERE one. You know? A lesbian.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 

(C) 1998. Shelly Roberts. All rights reserved. A one-time simultaneous
print right is hereby granted to subscribing newspapers; all other
rights, including electronic or digital reproduction are reserved.
Must be reprinted only in its entirety.

 Shelly Roberts is an internationally syndicated columnist, and the
 author of the forthcoming Roberts' Rules of Lesbian Dating. June,
 1998 (Spinsters Ink.)