From: "Shelly Roberts" Date: Wed, 14 Jan 1998 13:28:31 +0000 Subject: ROBERTS' RULES: Rosie ROBERTS' RULES by Shelly Roberts EVERYTHING'S COMING OUT ROSIE ________________________ A friend and I were debating the merits of Rosie O'Donnell ever outing herself, and her argument against, took the interesting form of suggesting that she can't because so much of her show is devoted to kids. A good argument, I thought. For 1982. Or the middle 70's. The Eighteen 70's. Here's how the debate went: Life, it seems to me is a self-fulfilling prophesy. Now suppose for a moment that Rosie O' Donnell should happen to be a lesbian. Not that I would mean to imply by that supposition that she actually is, but hypothetically, let's just say, for the sake of argument that she were one. You know? A lesbian. I know. It's hard. But sometimes you have to push the boundaries of imagination, and since we all know that ANYONE COULD potentially - no harm intended here - be one. So. Let's just give it a shot. Let's say, just for the moment, that she is. You know? A Lezbo. The argument is that she has a huge kid audience, and opens her show with kid material. If she came out, she would lose her audience of kids and Midwestern-values folks, totally clueless as we know all those good, fine folks to be (must be something in the corn), would run screaming from her, shouting "Betrayal! Blasphemy! Big Dyke!" So let's step back to see who set up this dyke-otomy. Was it written into the script that Mz. O'Donnell was required to tell kid jokes? Where? I'd like to buy that script and keep it with my unopened Madonna Sex book, and my uncancelled sheets of First Day Elvis stamps. It'd be worth something in flea markets some day, doncha think? I saw the early shows. What Miss Rosie had taped to the desk was not the last kid joke. Besides her hopes and dreams to get to stay on tv, and play with the famous folk, and get invited to cool parties, what Miss Rosie had taped to the desk was the last intro joke. Or the last funny classified that advertised divorces and gun permits in the same ad. Nobody took out one of those permits and held a gun to dear O'Donnell's head to tell kid jokes, or encourage kids to send stuff in that would eventually see the light of afternoon tv and not-for-profit print. Seems to me that Mizz O' D did it because it was funny. And popular. It was, (coincidentally?) also exactly the stuff that would allow a not-quite-secure closetizen the luxury of staying there. Prophesy self-fulfilled. " I can't come out NOW, can I? What would kids think? Or the parents?" Cogito ergo I better stay in the safe. Why would an "alleged" lesbian choose to craft her show in exactly the manner that would cause her to have to hesitate being honest? Why risk setting up a scenario that would make it nearly impossible to bring full integrity to the party and keep your good-paying job? Would 4000 years of bad lesbian PR explain it? Would to me. Not make it right. Or better. But fear is easy to understand under the circumstances. Lots to lose, huh? Now I know that Ellen's accolades were still in the uncertain future when Rosie was blooming. There was no national precedent to lean on crafting Rosie's format. But here's what I wish for now: I wish that Rosie's audience would love her just the same if she were a lesbian and were willing to say so. I wish that the universe simply said, "Oh, look, lesbians can be funny. And warm. And charming. And love kids. And do good and charitable things for kids. Isn't that nice to know amongst all the other new things the world has recently taught us about women of the homoaffectional direction." without once booing or turning her and the tv off. Wouldn't it be exquisite if the network, which has already profited from Rosie's squeaky clean "aunt-ness" (nearly every family owns one), could come to her defense even though a few misguided Midwesterners (or Southerners, or Easterners or Anywherers) complained about THOSE people on tv, as though she weren't a decent, charming, funny citizen with every right to entertain us with her extraordinary talent. I know it's just thinkful wishing. But I have to tell you, in my lifetime I've seen more amazing things happen. And Ellen's effort, for however long they let her do it, have propelled the US geometrically. Hey, I've seen the President of the United States tell me on tv to come out to everyone I know. So I still believe that anything is possible. Even Rosie coming out, being able to teach that being a lesbian and loving kids isn't just possible, it's natural. And keep her job. And be a bigger success. Wouldn't that be something? Because, unless she does, of course, how will she ever know it can be done? Ask Ellen. Or me. That is... IF Rosie WERE one. You know? A lesbian. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (C) 1998. Shelly Roberts. All rights reserved. A one-time simultaneous print right is hereby granted to subscribing newspapers; all other rights, including electronic or digital reproduction are reserved. Must be reprinted only in its entirety. Shelly Roberts is an internationally syndicated columnist, and the author of the forthcoming Roberts' Rules of Lesbian Dating. June, 1998 (Spinsters Ink.)