Subject: ROBERTS' RULES: Teen Years
From: "Shelly Roberts" <[email-masked]>
Date: Wed, 24 Dec 1997 14:10:49 +0000

ROBERTS' RULES 

by 

Shelly Roberts

LETTER TO A 16 YEAR OLD WHO IS ATTRACTED TO HER TEACHER

I met "Susan" on the internet, on an open bulletin board marked "Women
Who Love Women" where she came to ask for advice because she's in love
with a teacher.  I'm sharing my response because you may be a
teenager, or know one, who is facing the same questions.  "Susan"
isn't her real name.  But I'm sure that there are some Susans out
there who feel the same.

Dear Susan,

I don't know if anyone else offered you any answers, but I wanted to
make sure that someone did.

So that you know where I come from, I'm an out lesbian several decades
older than you are.  I write books about it.  And I am fine with
myself and my society about being gay. (Though I prefer the word
lesbian, because it helps people to focus on the fact that women
uni-affectionals are different from the male version.)

If you are 16 and attracted to another female, you need to be very
easy with yourself about it.  There's nothing wrong with your
feelings.  They're natural, and normal.  What you need to be very
careful of right now is either acting on them, or telling many people
about them.  Because you are a minor, and therefore under your
parents' legal control. If they're not accepting of  homosexuality, or
if they are generally intolerant, then they can have a very profound
effect on the rest of your life.  

I am not cautioning you to pretend to feelings that are different from
your own, but I'm suggesting Very Strongly, that you stand back to
look around you.  Do you live in a rural area or a small town?  Has
the local paper shown that there is an acceptance of gays and
lesbians?  Does your church or synagogue support gays? These are
important things to look at before you out yourself to the principal
over a teacher.

And the issue of a teacher is another one you have to look carefully
at.  If the woman is not a lesbian, and you act on your "crush" which
is probably much more than that, but that's how it will be viewed (and
diminished), you could raise her wrath, which would certainly affect
your feelings, and also, probably your grades, and your ability to
show up everyday for class.

If your teacher is a lesbian, and it isn't known, calling attention to
it could risk her career, which isn't something you want to happen to
someone you care about.

I am a strong public advocate for adults coming out, and for everyone
acting honestly about who they are.  But with people under the age of
21, or in school who are dependent financially or legally on parents,
I always caution moving slowly.

I know that your feelings are strong.  And everyone all your life has
probably told you to wait till you're grown up to understand.  Well I
think you understand right now.  And that your feelings ARE real.  But
I think you need to get a whole lot more information and support
before you DO anything, or even talk to people you aren't sure of.

If you are in a city, try to find the local gay and lesbian community
center.  Look in the phonebook. Ask about a teen or youth group.  If
there isn't one available, look up your local chapter of PFLAG, and
call.  These are parents who have already dealt with having a gay or
lesbian child. They've made a decision to be supportive, and maybe
they can help you work through your feelings, and give you good advice
about how to deal with your parents, school and friends.

I know you probably only want to hear that it's okay to have
"feelings" for your teacher. But you are old enough to understand
that, in spite of Ellen's coming out on tv and real life, not everyone
is as accepting as Ellen's mom and dad.

Please be careful.  

Please know that you are cared about.  And that the feelings are
normal.  And that you have done absolutely nothing wrong. And that
there are a lot of us working right now to make sure, as soon as we
can, that you and every other teen-aged person who has to struggle
with the possibility of her or his homosexuality, will be able to do
so without feeling like a freak or a reject or a bad person.  Teen age
is hard.  Gay teenage is tougher than it should be.  But we're working
to make it better.

________________________

Last week I spoke with a gay psychiatrist who runs a hospital for
troubled teens, and asked if the statistics on gay teen suicides had
improved.  He said, "Who can tell?  Nobody's tracking it.  And how do
you tally drinking too much and running your car into a light pole?
 Or partying too hard on drugs with your friends?  How can you clock
the innerds of a teenager?  But what difference does it make?  One gay
teen age suicide, is one more too many."

Who can disagree with that?

Love yourselves.  And each other.  It's the first thing you can do to
change the world.  For yourself.  For "Susan." And for everyone else.

________________________
(C) 1997. Shelly Roberts. All rights reserved. A one-time simultaneous
print right is hereby granted to subscribing newspapers; all other
rights, including electronic or digital reproduction are reserved.
Must be reprinted only in its entirety.

Shelly Roberts is an internationally syndicated columnist, and the
author of the newest best-selling Roberts' Rules of Lesbian Break Ups.
(Spinsters Ink.)