From: shellyr@bridge.net (SMTPD32-4.02) id A79E15B01EE; Wed, 29 Oct 1997 11:43:10 EST8EDT Date: Wed, 29 Oct 1997 11:40:37 +0000 Subject: ROBERTS' RULES: Middle Aging Editor: Do not run anything above dividing line. This column may not appear anywhere without the copyright notice, and identification lines at the bottom. It may be non-commercially reprinted without change and only in its entirety without prior permission. Commercial reprint requires written permission and involves a fee. To make commercial reprint arrangements, please email shellyr@bridge.net. The last lines of the column, containing author and copyright information, must appear with any reprint. __________________ ROBERTS' RULES OF LESBIAN MIDDLE AGING by Shelly Roberts 1. It will be harder to learn to say the word "fifty" about yourself than it was to learn to say the word "lesbian." 2. There is only one lesbian middle age body, and if you wait long enough you will get to wear it. 3. Today's 30 year olds will thank you in another twenty years. 4. Gravity wins. 5. You will not settle for less than you deserve as easily. 6. As a result, finding a new partner will be considerable harder than it used to be. 7. However, you will make much better matches. 8. Everybody talks about creating the Lesbian Old Age Home.er.uh.The Later Lesbian Sequestery.but nobody does anything about it. 9. Plastic surgery will have much more appeal. 10. You will start adding "and a half" to your age again. 11. Twenty year olds may look better, but it will take at least two of them to keep up with you. 12. Your drug of choice will be TIME. 13. It is much easier to find wisdom. 14. It is, however, much harder to find anyone to listen to wisdom. 15. It is hard, even for cheapskates, to be thrilled at using the Senior Citizen discount the first time. 16. AARP will find you. 17. You are, by now, and in your mirror, your mother. But that's okay. She's now your grandmother. 18. Managed care isn't either. 19. We all look ten years younger. So what? 20. Everyone else thought they'd be done by now too. 21. Crone is not a disease. 22. No, it isn't hot in here. It IS just you. 23. It is much easier to lead a principled life because you actually have some. 24. If you suffer fools, it will not be gladly. 25. Just because she's single too, isn't enough. 26. You will have to deal with being an orphan. 27. Your mother will be even more depressed than you are on your birthdays. 28. They are stuffing fewer and fewer chaise lounge cushions these days with laurel leaves. 29. Perky will be less and less relevant. 30. You will learn to love lube. Just like the twenty year olds had to. 31. You and your lover will both be ready to try new things. They may just not be exactly the same new things. 32. At the end of a relationship, you may run right after another one. Fortunately at this age, you run a lot slower. 33. Hanging around with younger people who aren't your children will NOT make you feel younger. It will always make you feel older. 34. Everyone else is still checking the 35-49 box in the supermarket surveys too. 35. Your past will finally begin to make sense to you. 36. Your future will, however, still find you completely clueless. 37. There are enough of us now so that if we raise our voices, we can make a noise loud enough to be heard. The most amazing thing about most of these rules is that they aren't much different for women who aren't fortunate enough to be lesbians. But this is one of worst taboos. Being over 40 has for too long been a closeted disease that we never, ever talked about. And fifty! Well, it doesn't help all that much that Hillary's doing it too. But there are over 74 million of us in the US alone who are living the secret, and a whole bunch of them are us. Lesbian us. So maybe it's time to open up yet another closet door, (Say, just how many closets does this house have, anyway?!) and look, laugh loudly at who so many of us grew up to be, and begin to like who and what we find there. ________________________ (C) 1997. Shelly Roberts. All rights reserved. A one-time simultaneous print right is hereby granted to subscribing newspapers; all other rights, including electronic or digital reproduction are reserved. Must be reprinted only in its entirety. Shelly Roberts is an internationally syndicated columnist, and the author of the newest best-selling Roberts' Rules of Lesbian Break Ups. (Spinsters Ink.)