Subject: ROBERTS' RULES: Hurricane Andrew
From: [email-masked]
Date: Tue, 22 Jul 1997 23:54:59 +0000

__________________

 ROBERTS' RULES 
            by 
    Shelly Roberts

HURRICANE ANDREW.

(RING: "Hello. Oh, hi, Mom. No. No, I don't. He hasn't checked in with
me. And, uh, Mom.that's Andrew. Not Alec. Oh, you're welcome. Love to
Dad.")

(RING: Hello. Clara! How are you? How are things in Seattle? Oh, fine.
Oh, well, no. I don't. But, I promise, if he calls, I'll call the
police first, the FBI second, and YOU third. TTFN.")

(RING: Hello. Oh, hi, Sis. He isn't here.)

Hi. My name is Shelly. I live in South Florida and I'm a member of the
"Gay Community."

"Hi, Shelly!"

Oops. Sorry. Wrong reference.

I just want to tell you although I do live in South Florida, and have
actually eaten hamburgers and bought papers at the News Café on Ocean
Drive, and am, of course, a member of the Gay Community, that I do not
personally know where Andrew Cunanan is. 

Andrew Cunanan. You know, Killer Andrew Cunanan. Serial Killer Andrew
Cunanan. GAY Serial Killer Andrew Cunanan. GAY Serial Killer Andrew
Cunanan in South Florida. 

Not that you'd think so from reading the papers today. Or yesterday.
Or the day before.

The headline today said "Gay Community Aids in Hunt for Killer in
South Florida." Which was about the only time that I remember seeing
the word "aids" and the words "gay community" used positively in the
same sentence.

(RING: Oh, hi, Jason. Careful? I'm always careful. I didn't date him,
Jason. I don't think he has my address. We wear a different dress
size. Give my love to everyone in Des Moines.)

People I know are being interviewed for the nightly news. And
Nightline.

What do they know about the whereabouts of Andrew Cunanan? About the
same thing that I do. Nothing. But, hey, we are all members of the
"Gay Community" who live here.

You'd think that after nearly ten years of painstakingly educating the
"Not-Gay Community" they'd have gotten the idea that our first and
middle names are not "Serial" and "Killer." That most of us are
everyday upstanding citizens who do not know each other just because
we share a genetic predilection for liking each other a whole lot.
That we are separate communities of different people, and that some of
us like to dress up in women's clothes, and some of us don't, and some
of those who like to dress up in women's clothes are women, none of
whom I know are serial killers. Though some do wear killer dresses. 

Well, tell that to the media. Please!

This South Florida "Gay Community" feeding frenzy has gotten so bad
that GLAAD (That's Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) has
even had to issue guidelines to let the media know what it's okay, and
not okay to say about us and serial killers. 

For example: "Do not identify someone as a "gay killer." A term such
as this is extremely problematic because it links one's sexual
orientation directly with his or her crimes." 

GLAAD's alert goes on to say: "In the case of Andrew Cunanan, one
would be outraged to see him termed as a "Filipino killer." The same
should apply with sexual orientation. The relevance of Cunanan's
sexual orientation is only as important as it pertains to his life
story, and as far as it serves to inform the gay and lesbian community
as to his possible whereabouts."

Yeah, but is Jane Pauley and her Dateline crew listening? Hah!

GLAAD's alert alerts all of us to another interesting side effect of
the dervish this out-of-towner's sojourn is causing in the local
populace, when they admonish the media not to "refer to gay bars,
clubs and nightlife as a `gay underworld' or `gay underground.' Many
bars and clubs are decades-old institutions that have been important
in the development of lesbian and gay communities. Furthermore, the
implication is that if Andrew Cunanan were to move through a local gay
community, that he would be `hidden' by them. This is false: No one,
gay or straight, wants a murderer walking the streets."

Like I told my sister, he ISN'T here.

I can only hope, like you, that Andrew Cunanan is caught soon. And
that some leading member of the "Gay Community" plays a major role in
the capture. It'll be good for our image. And I also hope that hardly
anyone, next year, will notice that Cunanan was a "gay serial killer,"
which must mean we all are. Or, that they will get over it, and get
back to really important news. Like who killed Jon Bennet Ramsey. (I
don't believe it was Andrew Cunanan, though I'll have to check MSNBC's
website for the latest theory.) 

(RING: Hello. Aunt Dorothy! Haven't talked to you in years. Yes,
Andrew has caused enormous damage to the community. Uh-huh. Wrecked
homes. Definitely a force to be reckoned with. Thanks for checking
in.)

The last time this much devastation was caused by a force this strong
blowing into town was in 1992. And, come to think of it, that one's
name was Andrew too.

We lived through that one. I'm sure we'll live through this one. And,
quite frankly, I'll be very glad when it's all blown over.

________________________
(C) 1997. Shelly Roberts. All rights reserved.
May be commercially reprinted only in its entirety with written
permission.

Shelly Roberts is an internationally syndicated columnist, and the
author of the new best-selling Roberts' Rules of Lesbian Break Ups.
(Spinsters Ink.)