From: shellyr@bridge.net Date: Tue, 6 May 1997 23:04:13 +0000 Subject: ROBERTS' RULES:Welcome Editor: Do not run anything above dividing line. This column may not appear anywhere without the copyright notice, and identification lines at the bottom. It may be non-commercially reprinted without change and only in its entirety without prior permission. Commercial reprint requires written permission and involves a fee. To make commercial reprint arrangements, please email shellyr@bridge.net. The last lines of the column, containing author and copyright information, must appear with any reprint. _________________ ROBERTS' RULES by Shelly Roberts WELCOME TO THE CLUB. Dear Ellen, I'm not normally a gushie, fan in the habit of sending love letters to join a boxcar pile of memos from other starstrucks. But in your case, I'll make an exception. I know you said you don't wish to be a spokes-dyke for anybody but yourself. Well, um, gee.I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but guess what? You're it. Or at least one of it. Or maybe just it of the week. It comes with the territory, Girlfriend. Like it or not. Just ask Candace Gingrich. Or Chastity Bono. And, over time, they've come to be pretty good at it. Not that you're going to need to make a living out on the stump making personal appearances on behalf of initial organizations. Though later, you may want to. Sitcoms only having a half-life akin the attention span of a contrary two year old. Or 4300 Nielson families. And about that word that you're having so much trouble saying without sounding like you swallowed a tennis shoe? It gets easier. After you've said it a few hundred times. "Lesbian." "Lesbian." "Lesbian." You just have to overcome about 4000 years of bad PR for the word. Unfortunately for us, in the property settlement over language, the guys got the word that means happy, and we got the one that means "Joan Crawford is after your wife." Practice. Practice. Practice. Sometime in the near future, you will actually find yourself saying it without automatically lowering your voice and scanning the room. Then one fine day, though you may not even notice it, you will hear the word "Lesbian" coming out of your mouth as though it had its own prideful place in your Webster's New Collegiate. There's another funny thing that happens to professional lesbians, you'll find out soon enough. Non-gay/lesbian people audition for you. People like, oh, say, Presidents and First Ladies, for example, They already know we're cool. Now they want you to think they are too. I don't know when it happened. Probably about two years earlier than you noticed. Oh, and one more thing before I get to the gushy part. I know your new girlfriend, Anne, is new at all this. And doesn't seem to have any problem shouting from the rooftops how she feels about you. At least until people know how to pronounce her last name. It's that part about not being a lesbian that gets just a little ticklish. I am trying to think of even one baby dyke I ever knew, or ever was, who didn't, with her first, say that. You know, "I'm not a lesbian." (but my girlfriend plays one on tv). ".I just fell in love with THIS WOMAN." I believe, and you can check me on this, that that IS the textbook definition of a lesbian. It's just an afterthought. And most of us, having worn that particular suit before ourselves, are letting it slide. The Gush: Here's the thank you that I hope isn't the same one everyone else is oozing in your direction. Not the one about your bravery. (That was cool.) Or the great writing. (That was amazing.) Or how you gave twenty or forty million lesbians and gay men their first real opportunity to see something true of themselves on tv, and hopefully, not the last. (You'll be blessed forever, even when you're not sneezing for that one.) Those are all great. And true. And important for each of us. And, no, not the part where you are being nominated for knighthood in England, offered your own postage stamp in several third world countries. Or the rumor about canonization through the Metropolitan Community Church. You see, my dad died before we could ever really talk about what coming out was really like for me. And my mom, well, she's been kind of closed on the subject for years. They knew, of course. But they didn't really KNOW, you know? Now, after watching the "Puppy Episode" (or maybe it should have been called the "Puppy Love" episode) depict the frustration, anger, hesitance, and the fear, the elation, and the joy the way I know it happens, this Ellen Morgan/De(very)generous fan is thrilled. Despite the hype, or maybe because of it, you, your writers, your cast, crew, network, and sponsors let millions of non-gay people share the experience of what coming out looks and feels like. Reality. Not some comic-book, depraved, sexual fantasy. It was a pivotal moment. Historic. A world-wide, now shared experience. Will it change the world as we know it? Maybe. A little. Brava! And, well, there were actually two epoch making events that night. It was also, as a friend of mine pointed out in her e-mail, probably the only time in history anything was so clearly understood that was said over an airport PA. Sincerely. Yours. ________________________ (C) 1997. Shelly Roberts. All rights reserved. May be commercially reprinted only in its entirety with written permission. Shelly Roberts is an internationally syndicated columnist, speaker, and the author of the new Roberts' Rules of Lesbian Break Ups. (Spinsters Ink.)