From: shellyr@bridge.net Date: Wed, 6 Aug 1997 13:08:13 +0000 Subject: ROBERTS' RULES: Spa ROBERTS' RULES by Shelly Roberts LESpa. Denise, whose name is real because pseudonyms are to protect innocents, and as you'll soon see, she isn't, started it. We were just a bunch of lesbian chicks sitting around talking after an upscale bring-some-Bourguignonne which, after all, still added up to a potluck. I'd brought my cappuccino machine in penance for arriving way after the appetizers, and we, a diverse, alternating dozen, sat sipping at the after-table making things up as we went along . Then Denise opened it up. "I want to start a Sex Spa for lesbians." She did, now that you mention it, say it innocently enough. Well, you'da heard a pin. After the astonished silence, the protests were lodged. "You mean......like Plato's Retreat?" responded one old enough to remember the 70's as an adult, referring to the infamous hetero New York location designed to put straights into parity with the boys' baths. "Maybe." was all Denise responded. "Like the boys' baths?" another offered, too young for the Plato reference. "Could be. Only more luxurious. With sensuous rubdowns that maybe could lead...anywhere." "Eeuuuuuuuuuuw." rang out in chorus. "I could never do that." "That's disgusting." "What about diseases?" "What about love?" each cacophonied at once. "I dunno," said another. "I really need to be in love before I have sex." "Yeah, or at least KNOW the person." "Po-litically IN-correct!" "So what WOULD a sex-spa for lesbians have to be like to be appealing?" Denise wanted to know. Me too. And thus was born, and in need of sharing, the brochure for the workable sex spa for lesbians. ********************* Welcome to LESpa Your first stop, after passing through the women-crafted, wrought iron gates, is the Spirituality Center, where every entrant willingly participates in a beautiful, meaningful commitment ceremony, and is issued a concomitant commitment certificate indicating her deep and abiding covenant to each and any other currently in residence possessing such a similar certificate, authenticated for the entire length of attendance at LESpa. In singles or groups. Thus prepared and sanctified, your pampered presence is passed through the Protected Alcove were you are presented with appropriate accessories in your personal color-coordinated, scented choice of vinyl, latex, or combination thereof. After instant HIV testing for universally negative results, the LESpa attendee is then at liberty to roam about to determine her Free-Play Area. THE CAMP - Strong, tough but ever-so-understanding counselors guide campers into the delights of crafts and their art. Vaguely scowling Camp Directors issue veiled warnings to add to the spice of the forbidden. Group cottages are never locked during daylight, but convenient pine bars are provided for all Camp LESpa guests who prefer privacy. Kumbya. Sing-a-long sheets and campfire marshmallows included. Lanyard material extra. Group activities. THE OFFICE - Where LESpa executives can really get down to business. Or try. Endless Speculation about identity and orientation of executives or support staff is encouraged. Fun and games. One of our Safest-Sex options, as no actual interactions occur during exciting contemplation periods and frequent grapevine breaks, because jobs are at stake. Scheduled meetings require appropriate business attire. Skimpy under-suit lingerie available in LESpa Nasty Business Boutique at additional expense. Also spandex and leather. Guests often retire to THE DIMLY LIT BAR - for pick-me-ups post-mortems, strategy reviews, and plans of attack. THE COMMUNITY CENTER - A active arena packed with lumpy used furniture, borrowed communications equipment, folding chairs and tablesful of plentiful PriceClub hors d'oeuvres. Meet newcomers. Youngers. Olders. Others who share intensely your own private interests. THE POLITICAL ORGANIZATION BOARD MEETING - Sneak secret glances across debating rooms. Hangout together in the stuffing, stapling and supply closet. Plot secret assignations on other committees. Bandages and styptic for internal bleeding supplied. THE MILITARY UNIT - No questions asked. Ma'am. THE VEGEN RESTAURANT - Sumptuous waitpersons. Always something healthy to eat. THE NETWORKING GROUP - Introductions. Social games. Private Salons THE MUSIC FESTIVAL - Half clothing optional. Entertainment. Musicians, too. Mud. Leaky tents. Serious seminars. No razors. No boys allowed. No scents (sic.) THE RAP GROUP - Talk naughty. THE CLUB - Dazzling neon strobes here make everyone look good. A good place to try out your best moves. THE MALL - Similar in concept to THE OFFICE, this retail rich environment offers endless hours of pleasurable speculation. Bring a girlfriend. Cast meaningful glances at other shoppers. Crowd together into cramped fitting rooms. Watch fitting room activities from long-suspected overhead hidden camera. All purchases optional and extra. THE THEATRE - View endless airings of Go Fish, Leanna, The Hunger and True Girls In The Bar. A great place to retire to after visiting THE MALL, for a little action in the dark. Do what you will. THE WORKOUT ROOM - Modeled after only the finest hotels and expensive gyms. Bulging muscles and flat abs abound. Work the circuit. Come here and flex something. Or vice versa. LESpa. Come enjoy the luxury of being private in a "public" place. ****************************** So, you see, a lesbian sex spa is not a contradiction in terms. It just has to be of our own design. Venture capitalists, please contact me in care of this publication. Ditto interested franchisees. Operators are standing by. ________________________ (C) 1997. Shelly Roberts. All rights reserved. May be commercially reprinted only in its entirety with written permission. Shelly Roberts is an internationally syndicated columnist, and the author of the newest best-selling Roberts' Rules of Lesbian Living. (Spinsters Ink.)