Subject: ROBERTS' RULES: Spa
From: [email-masked]
Date: Wed, 6 Aug 1997 13:08:13 +0000

ROBERTS' RULES 

 by 
 Shelly Roberts

 LESpa.

Denise, whose name is real because pseudonyms are to protect
innocents, and as you'll soon see, she isn't, started it. 

We were just a bunch of lesbian chicks sitting around talking after an
upscale bring-some-Bourguignonne which, after all, still added up to a
potluck. I'd brought my cappuccino machine in penance for arriving way
after the appetizers, and we, a diverse, alternating dozen, sat
sipping at the after-table making things up as we went along .

Then Denise opened it up. 

"I want to start a Sex Spa for lesbians." She did, now that you
mention it, say it innocently enough. Well, you'da heard a pin.

After the astonished silence, the protests were lodged.

"You mean......like Plato's Retreat?" responded one old enough to
remember the 70's as an adult, referring to the infamous hetero New
York location designed to put straights into parity with the boys'
baths. "Maybe." was all Denise responded.

"Like the boys' baths?" another offered, too young for the Plato
reference.

"Could be. Only more luxurious. With sensuous rubdowns that maybe
could lead...anywhere."

"Eeuuuuuuuuuuw." rang out in chorus. "I could never do that." "That's
disgusting." "What about diseases?" "What about love?" each
cacophonied at once. "I dunno," said another. "I really need to be in
love before I have sex." "Yeah, or at least KNOW the person."
"Po-litically IN-correct!"

"So what WOULD a sex-spa for lesbians have to be like to be
appealing?" Denise wanted to know. Me too.

And thus was born, and in need of sharing, the brochure for the
workable sex spa for lesbians. 

*********************

Welcome to LESpa

Your first stop, after passing through the women-crafted, wrought iron
gates, is the Spirituality Center, where every entrant willingly
participates in a beautiful, meaningful commitment ceremony, and is
issued a concomitant commitment certificate indicating her deep and
abiding covenant to each and any other currently in residence
possessing such a similar certificate, authenticated for the entire
length of attendance at LESpa. In singles or groups.

Thus prepared and sanctified, your pampered presence is passed through
the Protected Alcove were you are presented with appropriate
accessories in your personal color-coordinated, scented choice of
vinyl, latex, or combination thereof. After instant HIV testing for
universally negative results, the LESpa attendee is then at liberty to
roam about to determine her Free-Play Area.

THE CAMP - Strong, tough but ever-so-understanding counselors guide
campers into the delights of crafts and their art. Vaguely scowling
Camp Directors issue veiled warnings to add to the spice of the
forbidden. Group cottages are never locked during daylight, but
convenient pine bars are provided for all Camp LESpa guests who prefer
privacy. Kumbya. Sing-a-long sheets and campfire marshmallows
included. Lanyard material extra. Group activities.

THE OFFICE - Where LESpa executives can really get down to business.
Or try. Endless Speculation about identity and orientation of
executives or support staff is encouraged. Fun and games. One of our
Safest-Sex options, as no actual interactions occur during exciting
contemplation periods and frequent grapevine breaks, because jobs are
at stake. Scheduled meetings require appropriate business attire.
Skimpy under-suit lingerie available in LESpa Nasty Business Boutique
at additional expense. Also spandex and leather. Guests often retire
to 

THE DIMLY LIT BAR - for pick-me-ups post-mortems, strategy reviews,
and plans of attack.

THE COMMUNITY CENTER - A active arena packed with lumpy used
furniture, borrowed communications equipment, folding chairs and
tablesful of plentiful PriceClub hors d'oeuvres. Meet newcomers.
Youngers. Olders. Others who share intensely your own private
interests.

THE POLITICAL ORGANIZATION BOARD MEETING - Sneak secret glances across
debating rooms. Hangout together in the stuffing, stapling and supply
closet. Plot secret assignations on other committees. Bandages and
styptic for internal bleeding supplied.

THE MILITARY UNIT - No questions asked. Ma'am.

THE VEGEN RESTAURANT - Sumptuous waitpersons. Always something healthy
to eat.

THE NETWORKING GROUP - Introductions. Social games. Private Salons

THE MUSIC FESTIVAL - Half clothing optional. Entertainment. Musicians,
too. Mud. Leaky tents. Serious seminars. No razors. No boys allowed.
No scents (sic.)

THE RAP GROUP - Talk naughty.

THE CLUB - Dazzling neon strobes here make everyone look good. A good
place to try out your best moves.

THE MALL - Similar in concept to THE OFFICE, this retail rich
environment offers endless hours of pleasurable speculation. Bring a
girlfriend. Cast meaningful glances at other shoppers. Crowd together
into cramped fitting rooms. Watch fitting room activities from
long-suspected overhead hidden camera. All purchases optional and
extra. 

THE THEATRE - View endless airings of Go Fish, Leanna, The Hunger and
True Girls In The Bar. A great place to retire to after visiting THE
MALL, for a little action in the dark. Do what you will.

THE WORKOUT ROOM - Modeled after only the finest hotels and expensive
gyms. Bulging muscles and flat abs abound. Work the circuit. Come here
and flex something. Or vice versa.

 LESpa. Come enjoy the luxury of being private in a "public" place. 

******************************

So, you see, a lesbian sex spa is not a contradiction in terms. It
just has to be of our own design.

Venture capitalists, please contact me in care of this publication.
Ditto interested franchisees. Operators are standing by.
            ________________________ 

(C) 1997. Shelly Roberts. All rights
reserved. May be commercially reprinted only in its entirety with
written permission. Shelly Roberts is an internationally syndicated
columnist, and the author of the newest best-selling Roberts' Rules of
Lesbian Living. (Spinsters Ink.)