********************
				     WARNING!!!!!

      THE FOLLOWING IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE COMMERCIALLY
       REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
   PUBLICATIONS WISHING TO REPRODUCE THIS COLUMN, OR CARRY "ROBERTS' RULES"
         ON A REGULAR BASIS MAY CONTACT THE AUTHOR DIRECTLY AT
 		  shellyr@bcfreenet.seflin.lib.fl.us. 
 ALL OTHERS MAY SEND BOUQUETS AND SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT REQUESTS WITHOUT 
ANYBODY'S EXPRESS PERMISSION.  YOU CAN DO IT JUST CAUSE IT FEELS GOOD. 

	(C) COPYRIGHT 1994. SHELLY ROBERTS.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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				ROBERTS' RULES:

				by Shelly Roberts

			     FYI. What's On The Agenda:


	Have you got your copy of The Gay Agenda around? I can't find mine.

	I'm sure I must have one around here somewhere, in a stack
someplace, but my office is a mess right now, and I was wondering if I
could borrow yours? Could you fax it to me? 

	What, you don't have a copy either? Damn. I know that everybody in
the Harrassgayterian Church got one. I'm pretty sure they were also sent
out to all the members of Jerry Falsewell's and Jim BaKKKer's
congregations. And I think Senator Sam Dumb distributed copies to the
entire Senate Armed Services Committee. None of whom I'm speaking to this
week. Well, isn't that odd. Since it's OUR agenda, you'd have thought at
least one of us would be able to come up with a copy. Would have one lying
around in the corner of a hard drive or a filing cabinet somewhere. 

	Hmmmm. I can't seem to find a one of us with her own Xerox. As I
said, "Odd." 

	You see, I've been in far too many corporations for far too long,
to proceed without one. I've lived too long in unfocused conference rooms,
participating in aimless, egotistical exercises in futility, lead by
senior members (most of the conveeners *were* men.) in the service of
their own ambition, to think that we can accomplish much without one.
(This is not a lesbian anti-male diatribe. It's just that, in my humble
experience, women are usually more prone to perpetrating Parliamentary
Procedure and less to committing Machiavelli. A playing field I'm sure
we're working handily to level even as you read.)

	It seems to me to be a waste of everybody's time and attention to
show up for even one more triangle conference, or rainbow committee
meeting without a copy.  So I guess there's just nothing for it, but to
write up a new one, right now, and distribute it to everyone, so we'll
know exactly what the purpose of the gathering is, what's scheduled, and
what time we can get out of the meeting and get back to getting some real
work done. 


	For Your Information:


				THE GAY AGENDA

		I. CALL THE MEETING TO ORDER TWENTY MINUTES LATE

		This is Gay/Lesbian Standard Time, and to presume anything
different would be to defy Standard Operating Procedure. Proceed. 

		II. READING OF THE MINUTES. 

		They proposed. We disagreed. We proposed. They
disagreed. DC al Coda. 

	        III. ADDITIONS OR CORRECTIONS

		Well, the US Parks Department was off by about seven hundred
thousand. Approximately. Give or take a couple of guys in corsets, and a
few bare-chested women.  

		97% of all the child molesters are heterosexual. 

		We don't recruit, we're an all-volunteer army.  

		Because it is more than likely, probably, doubtlessly, 
presumably, apparently, believably, feasibly GENETIC, it WAS your 
parents' fault. 


		The uniform of the day for most of us is not tutu's and 
goatees.  


		 Contrary to the popular wish-fulfillment beliefs of most
married heterosexual females, most lesbians do not hate men, unless they have
ever masqueraded as married heterosexual females. Or daughters. Or
employees. Or voters. 


		The only other people's children we want, thank you very much,
are the helpless, the abandoned, the ones with AIDS, and the ones they
don't seem to want unless we ask to adopt them. 

	
	Minutes approved as read and amended. Amen.


		III.  UNFINISHED BUSINESS.

			Housing and Urban Development. 

			Shut Up and Salute. 

			Insurance Benefits and Beneficiary Rights. 

			Job Security and Tax Equality. 

			Legal Marriage and Universal Spousal Prerogative. 

			Custody and Adoption.

			Will The Real Queers Please Stand Up. 

			And why-the-hell-don't- your-folks- put-me-on-the-
Christmas-card-too?  We've-been-together-eighteen-years,-Dear? 

		IV. NEW BUSINESS 

		Perpetrating the following: 
			The Golden Rule 

			The wisdom to know the difference. 
	
			Family (Of Wo/Man) Values. 
		
			A balance of beams and motes. 


		V. TABLED TO A FUTURE DISCUSSION 

			World domination and/or demoralization. 
			(At least any more than it already is.
				(About which we had nothing to do.))

		VI. VETOED

			Subornment of Children.  

			Seduction of Housewives and Truckdrivers. 
			 (Unless volunteering)

			Satanic Ritual. Bestiality. Unnatural Acts. 

		VII. MEETING ADJOURNED 


	There you have it.  The entire Gay Agenda.  From an entirely gay
person for a change. Not a religious fanatic of any describable wing.

	Because, it seems to me, if we don't get our real agenda out on
the table loud and clear, they'll just keep following their hidden ones.
  
	(ALL MEETINGS SHALL BE CONDUCTED ACCORDING TO ROBERTS' RULES OF ORDER)

			________________________


Shelly Roberts is a nationally syndicated columnist, and author of The
Dyke Detector,  Hey, Mom, Guess What...??!!, and the forthcoming, 
Weighing In On The Butch/Femme Scale (Nov. 95) Paradigm Publishing.