Have Better Sex Forever...
Michael Shernoff, MSW

Originally printed in INSTINCT, V. 1, Issue 6, Sept/Oct. 1998
Copyright 1998 Michael Shernoff

Permission is granted to copy or reproduce this arti cle either in full or
in part, without prior written authorization of the author on the sole
condition that the author is credited and notified of reproduction. 

I remember once seeing a cartoon that showed two men, obviously long term
partners, sitting on a couch.  One was doing a crossword puzzle and asked
his boy friend, "What's an eight letter word for "monotony?" "Monogamy," 
replied his partner.  The last panel has the first man hitting the other
over the head with the newspaper and the first saying, "only kidding."  

Unfortunately for many gay men monogamy is equated with boring. We'd l ike
to take this opportunity to say, "Thank you for playing, but no. It doesn't
have to be.  In order for sex to remain hot in any long term relationship,
both men have to remembe r their biggest sex organ is between their ears.
Yeah, you heard us. So if you want to create a rich and fulfilling
emotional and sexual life with your stud monkey, start thinking with your
big head. 

There are a variety of ways to form a successful long-term partnership,
ranging from the completely monogamous to the completely open, with none
being better than the other. The trick is to be able to talk honestly with
your partner about what wil l work for you, and be open to revisiting the
important issues in your relationship at different 
times. 

After 25 years of working with male couples, I've found that most often a
couple reports that they have been sexually exclusive for certain periods of
their relationship, at times lasting for years. Two men are most likely to
remain monogamous with a high level of sexual activity during the early
phase of their relationship. When asked why, most responded that the newness
and excitement of being in love is so intense and satisfying that though
they find other men attractive, they have no serious interest in diluting
what is going on between them by seeking sex outside the relationship.  

It's a given that every relationship requires work. Some more than others. 
Part of that work involves open communication where both men feel safe
expressing their feelings and are secure in the fact that while their
partner may not always agree with them, their partner does always care about
how he is feeling.  This is as true in the sexual realm of a relationship as
it is in all other areas.  

To help you out, we've come up with 14 practical suggestions for those
couples seeking tips on how to keep it hot and sexy over the long haul.
Follow these and who knows, you might never be single again....  

1. SEX IS NOT A COMPETITIVE SPORT

One of the major problems unique to male couples is competitiveness.  Both
of you don't always have to be hard at the same time or even come during
every sexual encounter in order for it to be fun or fulfilling. So leave the
sports-minded testosterone-whipped competitiveness on the playing field when
you're playing in his field and you might just end up scoring a whole lot
more. 

2. TIMING

There are going to be times when one wants to play and the other does not. 
It should always be permissible for either partner to indicate that he would
like sex.  Similarly neither partner should feel like a sexual robot who has
to perform on demand.  How each of you responds to these situations will
determine the sexual and emotional climate within your relationship.  A
simple "I'm not really there tonight, hot stuff, but I promise that before
the weekend ends I'll jump your bones," is a lot easier to hear than a
simple "no."  Another option is for the one not in the mood for a full-scale
romp to ask his partner if he would like him to hold him, play with his
nipples, etc while he takes care of himself? In these situations, stranger
things have happened than both men finding themselves really turned on.  

3. KEEP IT INTERESTING

Routines and sameness in how and where you have sex can make even the most
exciting sex partner seem like a double-yawner.  If your partner is the one
who generally initiates sexual advances, why not try seducing him for a
change? If you normally have sex in your bedroom, try having it in front of
the fire place, or on the kitchen floor, or in the back yard.  If you
normally have sex with both of you undressed, try it with your smelly gym
clothes on, or your suit, etc.  

4. FOSTER ROMANCE 

Part of the excitement and fun of a new relationship is the romanticness of
it all.  In order for this to continue both of you have to work at it. Dr.
Betty Berzon, a Los Angeles psychotherapist and author suggests: "if the
romance is waning at home, the world is full of romantic places that are a
perfect backdrop for a romantic afternoon, evening, weekend, or vacation,
even if it means checking into a hotel or motel for one night in order to
give yourselves a change." So think Merchant/Ivory. 

5. CONTINUE THE COURTSHIP 

Beverly Hills therapist Ken Howard suggests: "Treat your lover like every
day is a first date." Additionally he urges: "Talk. Then talk about it some
more.  Silence 3D Death applies to more than AIDS." Treat your guy as
thoughtfully now as you did in the early days of dating.  Send him flowers
or a card for no particular reason, that says something sweet or sexy. Never
stop demonstrating that you do not take him for granted. Set up a date night
where the phone machine is put on, beepers are turned off, the televison is
dead, and the two of you spend the night getting reacquainted.  Visit with
each other over dinner.  Take a long candle lit bath or shower together.
Play a game of naked chess. 

6. TOUCH

Be physically affectionate with each other on a regular basis in ways that
do not necessarily lead to sex. Keeping in close physical touch with one
another helps keep the erotic fires simmering.  Take turns giving one
another massages that may or may not lead to sexual play. 

7. PRIORITIZE SEX

For two men with demanding professional lives it is all too easy for sex to
be put on the back burner.  If one of you is cooking and the other comes up
behind you, begins to hug, nuzzle and get frisky don't respond with "The
chicken will get burned."  Turn around and pounce.  You can always order in
if the dinner is ruined. 

8. TRICK WITH YOUR LOVER 

Remember how excited you used to get about sex with someone new?  Take the
best of "hit and run" sex and what makes it exciting and bring it into your
home.  Not every sexual experience has to be a candle lit romantic marathon,
(thought these definitely have their time and place).  If during the day you
have an erotic thought or reverie about your man, give him a call or send
him a dirty e mail and tell him.  What's wrong with giving him a hard on
under his suit from at work?  Sometimes it's really alright to treat your
partner as a sexual object whose hose you want to blow.  So what if the suit
needs to be sent to the dry cleaner?  What's more important a hot
spontaneous and sexy adventure with your honey or an extra dry cleaning
bill?  If you've had a really tough and stressful day, there's nothing wrong
with walking into the house, kissing your husband and telling him that you
are so stressed out that a great blow job, (or whatever) would be most
welcome.  (Of course, if it's fine for you to say that, it's also alright
for him to tell you, "that would be hot, but could we do it in twenty
minutes?") 

9. BE DARING AND CREATIVE 

Think of sex like food: you want it fresh not stale. If you know he finds
you sexy in a jock, leather, lingerie, tin foil, whatever, surprise him by
greeting him at the door dressed for action.  Try doing it in the door way.
Just keep it interesting. 

10. ORAL SEX (TALKING ABOUT IT)
 
Tell each other what would turn you on, what sexual fantasies you have.  How
are you going to find out whether your boyfriend has been dying for you tie
him up unless the two of you talk about it? Sharing fantasies means being
vulnerable with each other.  Be respectful of what your partner is sharing
with you. Reading a porn story to each other that you found hot is another
way to have a private level of sexual communication. Go shopping together
for a sex toy.  Tell each other what sexually interests you and why.  

11. BE GENTLE

If he shares with you his desire to do something you feel is just way too
kinky for you, try not to respond with "Ugh! That's really weird. You're
weird. No way are you going to get me to do THAT." Be honest if something
doesn't interest you, but do not be critical of something he shares with you
that turns him on. Try to remain open to having your sexual boundaries
expanded. As they say, don't knock it if you haven't tried it. Because you
never know, you might just like it. 

12. DON'T AVOID FIGHTS

If a couple does not share enough passion to occasionally fight, then
chances are that there's not enough passion for good sex.  You have to feel
safe and secure enough with your partner to be able to get really angry at
him without fearing that if you do, the relationship will end. Plus, many a
heated argument has led to a sizzling make up. 

13. DON'T HOLD ONTO ANGER

My grandfather who was married for over 70 years to my grandmother before
she died, once told me that they never went to bed angry.  This is very wise
advice for any couple who wishes to keep their sex lives active.  Every
couple will invariably have times when one or both is angry at the other. 
It is crucial to tell your partner when you are angry or disappointed in the
way he has treated you.  Closing down and not telling him how you are
feeling is a sure way not to have a healthy sexual or emotional life. 

14. EXPECT IT TO CHANGE

That initial sexual excitement that creates a profound mood altering sexual
intoxification rarely last for more than two years on the average.  It is
unrealistic to expect even the best relationship to maintain the same kind
of sexual energy that is a normal part of any new romance.  One couple I
know who have been together for more than thirty years and are still
sexually active with each other put it this way: "Of course I see that his
body has wrinkles and sags and that his dick does not get as hard as it used
to.  Yet when he starts to get amorous with me I still see the 25 year old
boy I fell in love with." 


Michael Shernoff, MSW is a psychotherapist in private practice in Manh
attan.  His most recent book is Gay Widowers: Life After the Death of A
Partner.  His pioneering work in co-authoring Hot, Horny and Healthy:
Eroticizing Safer Sex, and conducting this workshop for over 15,000 gay men
all over North America in the 1980s led to his being dubbed "The Doctor Ruth
of Gay Sex."  He can be reached via his web site
http://members.aol.com/therapysvc