Subject: Mr Right or Mr. Right Now
From: [email-masked]
Date: Wed, 17 Feb 1999 18:03:55 EST

Is He Mr. Right or Mr. Right for Tonight?

Some tips for telling the difference

Michael Shernoff, MSW
Originally published in GENRE , NO. 68, March 1999
  1999 Michael Shernoff

Permission is granted to copy or reproduce this article either in full or 
in part, without prior written authorization of the author on the sole 
condition that the author is credited and notified of reproduction

Sometimes when we just want to get off hit and run sex is fine. The easy 
opportunity that gay men have to enjoy recreational sex with each other is
one of the pleasures we have to choose from.  Other times, especially if we
are lonely, depressed, sad or on the rebound from the end of a relationship
we want more than just another one night stand.  The fact that many people
find it difficult to differentiate between being in lust and being in love
or even infatuated often has the potential to make sexual trysts ripe for
difficulties, disappointments and unnecessary hurt feelings .  If both men's
expectations are not in synch this is when the one who wanted more than just
another fun tumble can find himself feeling confuse d, hurt or angry that
the object of his affections only wanted to play.  If you are honest, most
likely you will have been in the situation at least once in your life where
though you just met the person, you were hoping that this was going to be
the beginning of at least a fun affair and he had no interest in anything
more from you than the electricity the two o f you generated while together.  

Sex and sexual attraction are powerful intoxicants, and potently mood
altering that can all too often result in our good judgement becoming
clouded when we are led by our dicks.  The rest of this article will offer
some tips to help you figure out whether the man who has your hormones in an
uproar is just after you to appreciate all the effort you've been investing
in working out or is interested in really getting to know what's between
your ears and in your heart as well as what's between your legs. 

Be honest 

It's important for you to know what your own needs are at any given moment. 
If all you are is genuinely horny than going to a sex club, or out carousing
in search for an adventure will not leave you disappointed if and when you
find a willing partner.  But if you are going out to a club, a bar or sex
venue take some time to examine what your expectations are for that evening. 
It is very important to be aware if you are in "husband hunting mode." If
this is the case, be careful since engaging in "casual sex" can possibly set
yourself up for a serious let down if you do meet a playmate for the evening
who is not looking to meet a potential boy friend.  A lot of very strong
feelings are often stirred up during a sexual escapade or as a result of a
romantic and sexy evening even if it is with a total stranger.  If you are
definitely not into dating or beginning a relationship, but are out there
looking to connect for a one night affair, be very careful never to say or
intimate anything to your new friend that could lead him to construe that
your liaison could be the beginning of something more serious.  Don't even
exchange phone numbers if you have no desire to call or see this fellow
again. Treat each man you meet with a s much gentleness, honesty, dignity
and sensitivity as you yourself want to be treated.  

Locale

If you are interested in just getting off than going to a sex club, bath
house or other location where fast food sex is available is ideal.  But, if
you are serious about wanting to date or find a boy friend, than don't fool
yourself into believing that you will find the man of your dreams in one of
these places.  Of course there is always an exception, but generally the men
who are in these sexual play grounds do not have marriage on their minds,
unless it is to forget that they are in one (gay or hetero) for a few hours.  

Talking

The only way to really determine if someone you meet has the potential to
possibly be a boyfriend is to spend time talking with him.  Does he ask you
questions about yourself other than whether you are a top or bottom, what
you are into and do you have a place?  Ask yourself if he seems genuinely
curious about you and excites your curiosity about more than how he would
look with out his clothes on.  Do you have anything in common besides the
fact that you throw each others hormones into an uproar?  

Timing

Many years ago, my first summer on Fire Island, a very wise old queen told
me: "Honey It's all in the timing and lighting."  Though I have forgotten
who she was, I often recall her words.  In situations where two people are
hot for each other and one wants it to be more than just sex, a sure fire
way to find out if the other guy is at all amenable to getting to know you
in a nonsexual way is to not go to bed with him when you first meet.  If he
is interested in getting to know you in more intimate ways that are not
exclusively sexual than he will be willing to only have a cup of coffee and
conversation that first night and make plans for a lunch, dinner or some
other kind of date later.  This is not to say that two people can not just
have a fun time playing sexually on a one time basis or have this be the
beginning of a friendship or even a romance. But if you are looking for more
than just a sexual relationship, consider holding off jumping into the sack
when you first meet someone who you are interested in. Many people, both gay
and straight have indeed begun major relationships based largely on the
strong passion and great sexual chemistry they shared.  As much fun as great
sex and mutual attraction is, it is never enough to base a long term
relationship on in what you are interested in is more than just a torrid
affair. Timing is also crucial if you are HIV positive and want to find out
if the man you're so hot for is someone you want to disclose your HIV status
to.  Nothing is lost by waiting to bed each other besides the opportunity to
get laid on this particular night. Sex obviously does not have to always be
about love or the initial way that a major partnership begins.  But whether
sex is a one time shared experience or part of long term emotional and
social continuity, it should always be about at least some kind of real
connection between the people involved.  As adults we have the
responsibility to know how to take care of ourselves, and the other men who
are our sexual partners.  Safe sex should not only refer to making sure that
diseases are not spread, but to each of us doing our part to insure that the
sex is emotionally safe for us and our partners as well. 

Michael Shernoff, MSW is a psychotherapist in private practice in Manhattan. 
He originally became known as "The Doctor Ruth of Gay Sex" due to the
pioneering sex positive AIDS prevention workshops he co-created for gay men
in the 1980s and subsequently for his frequent writing and lecturing on gay
male sexuality and relationships.  His most recent book is Gay Widowers:
Life After The Death of A Partner.  

Key Words: queer, gay men, gay male relationships, male couples, 
homosexuality