From: MShernoff@aol.com
Date: Wed, 1 Oct 1997 18:58:58 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Gay Marriage & Gay Widowers


	Gay Marriage and Gay Widowhood =

Michael Shernoff, MSW
Published in The Harvard Gay & Lesbian Review, V. IV, No.4, Fall, 1997.
  1997 Michael Shernoff
	Permission is granted to copy or reproduce this article either in full o=
r in part, without prior written authorization of the author on the sole =
condition that the author is credited and notified of reproduction.
=0D
Whatever the legal imperatives for same sex marriage or the material adva=
ntages it may deliver, it could also bring important psychological benefi=
ts to gay people who choose this route; and these benefits are nowhere mo=
re apparent than in the case of a gay man whose lover has died of AIDS. T=
he state of marriage would help the living partner to see himself as a wi=
dower and assume such an identity as socially defined, and this in turn w=
ould make it far easier for the man to come to terms with the loss than i=
s currently possible for most gay men who are bereaved.
For heterosexual and gay men, widowerhood needs to be viewed as both a so=
cial and intrapsychic phenomenon. Widowerhood is a social role, produced =
by the transition from the married status to the nonmarried status by the=
 death of a spouse. The transition to widowerhood is usually painful and =
awkward, with inadequate role modeling and little direction. There are th=
ree typical responses of adults to the loss of a spouse. These are: the p=
ersistence of a psychological  tie to the deceased by the survivor; emoti=
onal loneliness, and ill health. The absence of social supports, often ex=
acerbated by the absence of a legally recognized marital relationship, ca=
n contribute to the difficulty many grieving gay widowers experience in w=
orking through their mourning.
All gay men who have survived the death of a partner have probably ponder=
ed these questions: how long does one continue to grieve? how does one go=
 about adjusting in healthy and adaptive ways to the loss? does one still=
 consider himself to be "in mourning" even after falling in love with som=
eone new or moving into a new relationship? I believe that, if gay men we=
re able to marry, resolving these issues would be a less complicated proc=
ess for most men.
Several studies have found that men whose wives died tended to define wha=
t happened to them as a dismemberment rather than an abandonment. Gay wid=
owers also often speak in terms of having lost a part of themselves after=
 the death of their partner. One man said: "His death felt as if a part o=
f my soul had been amputated." Another described the period of time immed=
iately following the death of his partner this way: "I feel as if both of=
 my legs have been cut off and now I have to learn how to walk again, but=
 only this time with a prosthesis."
Having a partner die is always a traumatic event, but when the partner of=
 a gay man dies, his grief is exacerbated by the lack of social recogniti=
on of his relationship, of his loss, and of his new condition as a widowe=
r. A common denominator of all psychological trauma according to psychiat=
rist Judith Herman is "a feeling of intense fear, helplessness, loss of c=
ontrol and threat of annihilation." Among the symptoms that surviving par=
tners may exhibit are emotional conditions such as anxiety, dread, horror=
, fear, rage, shame sadness and depression; intrusive imagery of dying; n=
ightmares; flashbacks of images of the stressor; numbing or avoidance of =
a situation associated with the images; somatic complaints including slee=
p difficulties; substance abuse; impaired social functioning; interperson=
al difficulties; sexual dysfunction, hyper sexuality and difficulty susta=
ining intimate relationships.
The absence of social recognition of a gay man's relationship with a dece=
ased partner is often responsible for a withholding of simple human kindn=
ess and compassion on the part of other people with whom he interacts. Th=
e surviving partner may not receive condolences from family members or co=
-workers, who do not view a gay relationship as the equivalent of a marri=
age. In his 1996 book A Crisis of Meaning: How Gay men Are Making Sense o=
f AIDS, psychologist Steven Schwartzberg states: "The heterosexual widow =
or widower who loses a mate receives a tacit level of social support and =
condolence. Gay men who have been widowed may be more apt to encounter sc=
orn, ostracism, fear or blame." The question remains that if gay marriage=
 were legal, would there be fewer insensitive or homophobic responses to =
the death of a gay spouse? Perhaps not, but a gay man whose partner has d=
ied would be spared at least some of the  indignity if there were legal s=
afeguards giving him clear civil and medical power of attorney and an iro=
nclad will.
It is not unusual for a gay man to be denied the same bereavement leave f=
rom his place of business that any heterosexually married individual norm=
ally receives. When his performance is less than stellar after returning =
to work following the death of his lover, the survivor often is not given=
 the same latitude as a heterosexually married man or woman would receive=
=2E
If two men could marry, the surviving partner would be less likely to suf=
fer from what one psychologist has called "disenfranchised grief," which =
can retard the process of moving through one's grief, while encouraging t=
he widower to keep his relationship with the deceased active as a as a wa=
y of reenforcing its reality and centrality to his life, and as a defense=
 against others' negation of the relationship. Studies document that a de=
ficit in social support has been associated with poor outcome in bereavem=
ent as measured by poor health in the first year after the loss of a love=
d one, and that an absence of social support was directly related to cont=
inued high distress two years after the death of a significant other. The=
 absence of understanding and support only increases the pain and anger s=
urrounding a gay widower's loss, and has the potential to exacerbate symp=
toms of psychological trauma.
In her pioneering work on trauma, Dr. Herman found that community support=
 in the face of a traumatic event has the potential to be of enormous ass=
istance in helping repair the injury it inflicts. Many cities now have be=
reavement programs geared specifically for gay men who have lost a loved =
one to AIDS, sometimes run by a lesbian or gay social service agency, som=
etimes by the local hospital. Gay specific bereavement groups also need t=
o be developed for individuals whose partners have died from causes other=
 than AIDS. Typically, when a person's spouse dies, both families rally t=
o the survivor's support. In the absence of marriage validating a same se=
x relationship, it is not uncommon for a gay man to receive little if any=
 support from either his own or his partner's family.
To conclude on a personal note, let me say that although I have been in t=
wo long- term relationships, I never had a personal investment in the iss=
ue of gay marriage-- until I became a widower myself. But it was mostly t=
hrough working with many male couples and gay widowers over the past fift=
een years that I came to modify my position. I have witnessed the difficu=
lties some of my patients experienced dealing with various matters after =
their partner died (funeral arrangements, property, last requests, etc.) =
Especially when the partner's family got involved, due to the lack of cle=
ar cut, legal recognition of their relationship. I have worked with some =
men in therapy who first had to be given permission to view the death of =
their partner as being equal to losing a married spouse. Obviously one do=
es not have to be legally married to mourn the death of a partner, but ma=
rriage does provide an institutional framework for coping with the loss w=
hen it occurs, and could be of great benefit to the many gay men who are =
experiencing such a loss due to the epidemic.
Michael Shernoff is a psychotherapist in private practice in Manhattan.  =
His book Gay Widowers: Surviving The Death of A Partner will be published=
 in late 1997 by Harrington Park Press. He can be reached at his web site=
 http://members.aol.com/therapysvc or via e mail at mshernoff@aol.com.=