From: MShernoff@aol.com Date: Thu, 25 Jan 1996 11:46:10 -0500 Subject: single's article I am attaching a file that contains an article I recently had published about "Chronically Single Gay Men in Search of True Love" that I would like to post at an appropriate place. Thanks for any help you can offer. MShernoff@AOL.com Title: Chronically Single Byline: By Michael Shernoff, MSW Printed in In The Family V1. No.3, Jan. 1996 =0D Opening Quote: "My own deliberate search was for a man--a search Thoreau = himself had clearly ducked, letting the woodcutter get away with a mouthf= ul of philosophy instead of a kiss. It was only by seeing it as a quest t= hat I got through so many lonely nights in the bars, or the even lonelier= nights of tricking with guys who weren't quite right."--Paul Monette, Be= coming A Man: Half A Life Story = "I just don't understand how come it's so difficult to find a man who wa= nts the same things I do!" complained Edward, a 36-year-old gay man, duri= ng our first session. This was a refrain that he repeated in the next XX= X years of individual therapy. Edward's long-term relationship had ended = when he discovered that his lover of two years had been having sex with o= ther men even after they had agreed to a monogamous relationship.Successf= ul and attractive, Edward had been single for almost four years and had c= ome to therapy because he wondered if there was something wrong with him:= he couldn't seem to meet the right person. Occasionally, he would have s= ex with men he had just met, but he preferred to be intimate within the c= ontext of dating someone who might become a permanent partner. He had lot= s of close friends--male and female--and seemed as capable as anyone I ha= d ever met of forming a satisfying, long-term relationship with another m= an. So why was he findings himself always, chronically, single? = Relationships--and the lack of them--inspire perhaps the most discussion= , analysis and confusion when gay men get together, and are a common reas= on why singles and couples seek me out for therapy. For those who have a= partner, there are endless talks about what could be better about the re= lationship. With single gay men in search of a stable, loving relationshi= p, I hear them wonder if they are lacking an essential ingredient that wo= uld allow them to find someone to love. As soon as I hear this familiar r= efrain, I challenge them as to why they believe this. Because gay men hav= e often been stereotyped as unable to form committed, monogamous relation= ships, many of my gay clients have internalized this idea and believe th= eir single status is inevitable and a result of something inherently wro= ng with them. This attitude it revealed most strikingly when I see young = gay men who have just come out and are depressed because they believe bei= ng gay means having to give up their hopes of having a partner and famil= y life. To me, this seems like a throw-back to some medieval superstition= , given how many long-term , successful, happy and in-love gay couples I = know of, and I'm surprised that this stereotype still abounds. I educate = them about the prevalence of long-term gay couples in our community and, = for balance, point out that singlehood exists in the lesbian, bisexual an= d straight worlds, too. I also point out that some people choose to be si= ngle. = It's important that neither therapists nor lay people look on single peo= ple--gay or otherwise--as necessarily having a problem because they're no= t in a relationship. I use the term "chronically single" to refer only to= those who actively seek a long-term relationship yet never seem to be ab= le to find the right person. A close colleague, Gil Tunnell, head of fami= ly therapy training of the Department of Psychiatry at Beth Israel Medica= l Center in Manhattan, agrees: "There are those men who are quite content= having a series of brief affairs, or anonymous sexual encounters without= experiencing any longing for a committed relationship. If they don't see= their singlehood as a difficulty, then neither should anyone else. For s= o long, gay men were pathologized just for being who they were, and we = must be careful not to create new categories of pathology where none may = in fact exist." But when my client Edward asks me, point blank, if I beli= eve gay men have a harder time achieving successful relationships, I paus= e before I answer. It's a complicated question because gay men have all the usual intimacy = issues that most men have, single or coupled, such as fear of commitment,= fear of engulfment by the other partner, fear of loss of autonomy and in= dependence. No therapist I know would say that this is solely an issue w= ith gay men. But heterosexual men often receive assistance expressing, or= at least tolerating, emotional intimacy from their women partners, who h= ave been socialized to recognize and prioritize their needs for emotional= closeness. There is a whole literature out now about how women essential= ly teach their male lovers how to speak about feelings and listen to the = women share their feelings. When two men are interested in pursing an em= otional relationship, very often neither has the faintest idea of what it= means to relate in an intimate and noncompetitive way. But they also hav= e to overcome challenges that straight men don't have to think about. For= one thing, gay men bring to the table their own unresolved homophobia, t= o whatever degree it exists. Tunnell believes that his chronically single= clients may be inhibited by their negative feelings about being gay. "It= may be difficult for some gay men to accept the love of another man when= they really have not learned to appreciate and value their own gay self,= " he says. He also points out that coupling requires a higher degree of b= eing out of the closet. Casual dating can be split off almost entirely f= rom the rest of a gay man's life, so that he can date a man and still not= be out to neighbors, colleagues, friends or family. But becoming serious= ly involved and making a commitment to another man, including living toge= ther, getting to know each other's families, co-renting or jointly purcha= sing an apartment or house, can lead to inner turmoil for gay men who hav= e strong, conflictual feelings about being homosexual. Perhaps, says Tun= nel, these men don't pursue those with whom there is potential to become = emotionally involved in order to avoid the complications a partner would = present to a closeted gay lifestyle. = "I'm questioning whether or not I'm really even gay since I've never had= a long-term lover in more than 20 years of being out," complained Carl, = an acclaimed architect and Ivy League graduate who had come to me for the= rapy to talk about the loneliness he was experiencing. "I feel really in= ferior to men who are younger, less attractive and less intelligent than = me who seem to always be dating someone," he told me. "Is there something= wrong with me?" Carl comes from a prominent old Georgia family, from who= m he had taken great pains to hide his homosexuality for most of his life= =2E Two years ago, he finally came out to them, and while they didn't rec= eive the news with great joy, they didn't reject him, either. Carl made i= t clear to me that his connection to his family is something he cherishes= and does not wish to jeopardize. He told me he was grateful for their to= lerance and afraid that if he was too in-their-face about being gay, they= would cut him off. But Carl was unhappy about being single, and confused= about why he couldn't meet the right man. As we talked about his dating = history, it emerged that he assessed all his potential dates as to "wheth= er he is the kind of person I'd want to bring home to meet my family. I = can't bring home some queen or mindless twit," he explained. I didn't let= the comment go, but pushed him to describe the kind of man he wouldn't d= ream of bringing home, and then I pointed out that he had never been attr= acted to, or dated, men of this description. He realized that while he wa= s talking about his family's disapproval, he was really expressing his ow= n negative feelings about being gay. He began to examine why he looked do= wn on effeminate gay men but regarded a gay man who might pass as straigh= t as being desirable. Then, we discussed men he had dated whom he had tho= ught he might love, and what had caused him to run the other way when the= relationship looked as if it might become more serious. As Carl unravele= d his own harsh, critical inner voice that had served to keep other gay m= en at arms' length, he began to understand why he was still single. We bo= th agreed that before he could open up to another man in a more intimate,= soulful way, he had to make a stand with his family. In therapy, we worked on how Carl might integrate his gay identity into = his relationships with his family, and we rehearsed what he might say to = his parents about a man he was interested in, or how he might tell them a= bout the gay groups to which he belonged. A year later, on the phone with= his mother, Carl raised the possibility of bringing a man he was dating = to a family function, only to have both his mother, and then sister, resp= ond negatively. Afraid of their rejection, he rescinded his invitation to= the man he had asked to join him. = "Some men's parents have told them directly that it's okay for them to b= e gay, but don't start bringing men around to family gatherings," says Be= tty Berzon, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Los Angeles an= d author of Permanent Partners: Building Gay and Lesbian Relationships Th= at Last. "Though the men are usually enraged by this, they cooperate with= out realizing that their parent's message, and their acquiescing to it, i= s impacting on their ability to ever become seriously involved with anoth= er man." MICHAEL: HOW DID IT END WITH CARL? * * * Many of my colleagues wonder whether being gay is even relevant when we= examine why a person is chronically single. Robert Remien, a therapist i= n private practice in Manhattan, finds that for all of his chronically si= ngle clients there are characterological issues that have nothing to do w= ith sexual orientation. For instance, a person may have been terribly hur= t by a previous lover when they were younger and as a result of this simp= ly cannot make him or herself available to a potential partner because it= seems impossible to trust someone intimately again. But Michael Bettinge= r, a family therapist in private practice in San Francisco, finds that hi= s chronically single gay clients have experienced more hurt in their earl= y family relationships compared with his straight chronically single clie= nts, which may make them more susceptible to fears of intimacy later in l= ife. MICHAEL--WHAT DO YOU THINK? IS BEING GAY A FACTOR? From my own practice, there seem to be three general categories that chr= onically single gay men fall into. The first group are those who can't ev= en seem to get to first base, meaning they have trouble meeting other men= with whom to even go on a date. These are the men whose friends and the= rapists all hear them constantly bemoaning the fact that there aren't any= eligible men out there. Often, this group of men have a detailed shoppin= g list of the attributes they require in order for a man be considered el= igible, specifying such categories as race, religion, ethnicity, body typ= e, age, hair color, quantity or absence of body hair, type of work and ge= ographical location. One of my clients, Randy, is a 33-year-old white man= who is a dean at a local college. When he began to see me, his presenti= ng problem was that he was a workaholic and had no social life. The only= men he was interested in dating were well-educated African-Americans who= either were currently in psychotherapy or had been through extensive the= rapy. His usual pattern was to meet someone he was attracted to while at = a professional meeting somewhere other than New York, where he lived, hav= e a romantically intense one or two nights together, return to New York i= nfatuated, only to have the affair peter out because it was too hard to s= ustain a long-distance relationship. The second group of chronically single gay men are those who meet a lot = of men, go out on numerous dates, but these dating relationships never ig= nite into a full-blown romance. Sometimes, these men have a checklist of= attributes they are looking for, but they may be more open to meeting so= meone who falls outside of their fantasy. Michael is a very intelligent a= nd successful 40-year-old professional who has been single for the past 1= 0 years since breaking up with his first lover, an alcoholic, after they = had been together for 11 years. Following the breakup and his ex-lover's= getting sober, they have become closer than they ever were while they we= re lovers. "We have the intimacy now that I had always wished for while = we were still a couple," Michael has told me during sessions. He is comf= ortable asking people out and isn't devastated if he's turned down. When = he first began describing his dating pattern to me, I saw it as a good si= gn that Michael would feel excited about the prospect of getting to know = someone new, and that this wasn't necessarily related to expectations tha= t there would be a sexual connection on the first date. But then, after o= ne or two dates, Michael would begin to find things wrong with the man. = "It will never work with him," Michael reported to me, "because he likes = pop music and I detest the stuff." Another time, he stopped seeing someo= ne he had initially been very enthusiastic about, saying, "He can't seem = to kiss me in a way that turns me on." Someone else wore cologne and und= er-arm deodorant, which turned him off.There always seemed to be some rea= son why Michael would lose interest in a man whom he had thought might be= "the one." =0D Many people experience a let-down when the limerence of new love or new = lust dissipates and the reality of the person begins to come up short of = the fantasy. "Chronically single gay men have an inability to tolerate ge= tting significantly less than their fantasies," says Michael Bettinger. "= They often come to therapy and report focusing in on the one thing that w= as wrong with the man they had an otherwise good date with." In addition = to letting go of the fantasy, these clients are also afraid of intimacy. = Bettinger says that when they meet someone with whom there is real potent= ial for a close bond, they run the other way. I often have to disabuse my= clients of the notion that one's partner has to satisfy all one's needs.= It places an unrealistic burden on any relationship to expect it. I tell= them, "You may love spectator sports and have other friends to go to a b= all game with. That doesn't mean he's not the one for you." = When Michael began to reflect on the possibility that perhaps he was do= ing something to contribute to his lack of success in finding Mr. Right, = I began to challenge him to think about the possibility of not writing so= meone off so quickly. I introduced the concept that there is never a per= fect person or a perfect relationship. This led into discussions about wh= at might it be like for him to make room in his life for someone who is l= ess than perfect. This is an important aspect of the work, say Bettinger,= who instructs his clients to "learn to put up with loss in order to have= a successful relationship. Foremost is the loss of the fantasy of the p= erfect person." = The third group of chronically single men are much like the previous gro= up except that they are able to negotiate the beginning of a relationship= , but they are unable to get much past the one-year mark. Their relations= hips often end acrimoniously. Frank, for example, a 28-year-old lawyer, i= s only attracted to men who are larger than he is and who are very hairy.= While able to be creative, playful and passionate in bed, has absolutely= no desire to do the penetrating in anal sex with a partner. For the pas= t several years, he has been involved in a series of relationships that e= nded with his partners saying they felt confined and resentful by his nee= d for them to be so rigid in their sexual roles. IS SEX THE ONLY AREA WHE= RE THESE RELATIONSHIPS FALL APART? IS THERE ALSO A WAY IN WHICH THERE ARE= OTHER RIGID ROLES THAT THE MEN FALL INTO AND DISLIKE? SAY A BIT MORE ABO= UT HOW YOU WORK WITH THIS CLIENT. ALSO, THIS THIRD CATEOGRY NEEDS BEEFING= UP. SAY MORE ABOUT THE ONE-YEAR MARK Therapy with men who begin but can't sustain a relationship involves hel= ping them evaluate which compromises they feel able and willing to make a= s well as helping them understand the consequences of working through a v= ariety of fantasies that they bring to each new relationship, counsels Be= tty Berzon. Many of her gay male clients who struggle with being single w= orry that they might feel trapped by a relationship. She finds it useful= to help clients sort out what belongs to the past from what is actually = happening in the present. For example, her clients often have to disting= uish between an affectionate and attentive lover and a smothering parent.= When her unhappily single clients who do manage to date spend an inordi= nate amount of time and energy obsessing about "is this the right person = for me?" she asks them what expectations they have about the elusive Mr. = Right. As they list all the elements that they expect to be there when th= ey find their prince charming, she helps them see how difficult it would = be to find someone of that description and helps them develop a more grou= nded and workable list of qualities they might want in a long-term partne= r. = * * * "All the way down in the car, I told myself to go with it, not be afraid= ," wrote Paul Monette in Becoming a Man: Half a Life Story. I was beginn= ing to worry that I didn't know how to have sex with someone I liked. Tha= t I was falling into the cycle of so many men I'd met at Sporters, for wh= om the only hot sex was with strangers, and it never got better the secon= d time. ....I also felt this hollow dread, that I'd finally meet the lau= ghing man and let him slip away because I didn't really believe I could b= ring it off. I squirmed, remembering Harold's warning, that I would run = away one too many times and never have love at all." = We can't talk about men and relationships without talking about intimacy= =2E My own clinical practice indicates that, in general, men have a diffi= cult time identifying their own need for emotional intimacy. Somehow, we = are all supposed to be the Marlboro Man, romantic, solitary figures alone= on the range, and happy about it. When another man opens up emotionally = in the course of dating, sometimes my single gay clients describe becomin= g frightened and either shutting down, or running the other way. Unsure a= bout how to respond, about how they feel, themselves, they may actively d= iscourage emotional intimacy with potential dates. It is not uncommon for= me to hear my unhappily single gay male clients be inarticulate about wh= at they really are seeking from a relationship that will satisfy a variet= y of their emotional as well as physical needs. They can describe his phy= sique down to the cleft in his chin, but they can't speak of kindness, co= mpassion, caring, humor, shared faith. For gay men who came of age durin= g the pre-AIDS era, very often a satisfying sexual relationship was confu= sed with an emotionally intimate relationship. Of course, there are exam= ples of a broader emotional and spiritual relationship growing out of a s= atisfying sexual relationship, but this is not the most likely path to fi= nding a long-term partner. I believe this is part of men's emotional leg= acy of growing up in a sexist society that did not teach us that it is es= sential for us to cultivate an awareness of both our own and other people= 's feelings. = The presence of strong sexual passion is often confused with emotional i= ntimacy. Many of my clients who say they want to find a husband still be= have in ways that sabotage the development of a long-term relationship. = Most often this takes the form of having sex with someone they just met,= thinking to themselves that they are in fact auditioning their next pote= ntial future husband. It is difficult to convince a man who does this th= at the initial sexual intoxication can actually prevent him from being ab= le to assess whether this man is someone he really feels is special and w= ants to get to know in more than a sexual way. Many of my patients have = told me that they are separating out their fast-food sex at the sex clubs= or one-night stands from their search for a husband. They defensively a= ccuse me of suggesting that if they just stop having casual sex, then the= y will magically find a husband. = There are many reasons why having sex with someone they just met is gett= ing in the way of my chronically single clients' meeting someone with who= m they might share their lives more fully. For many gay men, sex has beco= me an anesthetic for feelings ofe loneliness, boredom and sadness. I beli= eve that by experiencing those feelings, my clients will be better able = to recognize when a nonsexual connection with a new man in their life rea= lly begins to address those deeper needs. I spend a lot of time explainin= g to clients that if they are hoping to meet someone who will be a compan= ion, or friend, as well as a lover, they will need to base the relationsh= ip on a lot more than the fact that the two of them have great sexual che= mistry. Obviously, I never minimize the importance of having strong, mutu= al sexual attraction. But I try to teach clients how to figure out if a = particular man seems to be available for more than sex. I coach clients t= o spend a lot of time talking with a man they are seeing before they jump= into bed, and to reflect on the following issues. "Does he encourage you= to talk about yourself, or is every word out of his mouth `Me-me-me'?" = Do you feel comfortable opening up to him, and becoming increasingly vul= nerable?" I remind clients that this is not just an intuitive process, bu= t happens because the new man responds with sensitivity and empathy. At t= he same time, I tell my clients, notice whether your date talks about per= sonal issues in a way that results in your beginning to care about him. = Getting to know another person and feeling safe with him is the way genui= ne intimacy begins to develop, because intimacy is linked to trust. I ex= plain that trust takes time and has to be earned. = Despite my preaching, it's hard for gay men to implement my "talk first,= sex second" scenario. Donald, a 44-year-old HIV-negative white man who r= ecently began therapy, told me, "I'm miserable. I want a relationship mo= re than anything else in the world, and don't seem to know how to go abou= t finding one." After a few sessions, he went out on a date with a man he= met at a bar. There was a mutual strong physical attraction. When Donal= d declined to have sex with him on their first date, the man didn't want = to see him again. The next week, Donald went on another date with a man w= hom he felt attracted to, and again told his date he wanted to wait befor= e having sex. Again, the man declared that he wasn't interested in seeing= Donald again. He came away from these experiences angry, hurt, and thoro= ughly bewildered. Upon hearing this, I reflected back that it sounded lik= e the bars were fine if all he was looking for was to get laid. "But you= know I am hunting for a husband!" he said. I told him that one definitio= n of insanity is to continue doing the same thing but expect different re= sults. We began to talk about where he could go to meet potential husband= s, and I gave him a series of suggestions about how to make eye contact a= nd smile in every situation from the grocery store to the gym. = It amazes me at times the kind of basic instructions my clients need whe= n it comes to healthy dating. For example, I tell them that learning wher= e the man lives, where is he from, what kind of work he does, and what ki= nd of things he enjoys recreationally can immediately provide clues as to= whether this is someone they think they will have something in common wi= th or will want to know better. I remind clients of how often they have = reported back to me that they have met someone in a sexual situation, gon= e home together without having done much talking, and had good sex, afte= rward discovering that they other man is someone with whom they have noth= ing in common, someone whom they are happy to be rid of after breakfast--= or before. I explore with clients the idea that making love with someone = they don't know can seem like a very intimate thing to do, but in reality= it may just provide them with the illusion of intimacy. Many men rememb= er very clearly how lonely they felt waking up with someone they had just= met. After a night of breathless sex, the other man would be distant and= not very interested or interesting. Most of my clients nod knowingly whe= n I point out that having sex with a stranger has the potential for putti= ng you out on a limb, emotionally, because if a man you like a lot doesn'= t feel the same way and wants to stop seeing you, this is going to be a l= ot more painful if you have already had sex. On the other hand, when you= have sex with someone who has a similar intensity of feeling for you as = you have for him, the sex becomes a way of bonding and expressing a growi= ng sense of closeness, a way of opening up other areas of vulnerability a= nd sharing, including emotional and spiritual aspects of oneself. * * * The entire question of having sex with a stranger while seeking out a pe= rmanent partnership is further complicated when a man is HIV positive or = has AIDS. The risk of contracting the HIV virus has provided new reasons= for not having sex with a stranger, as well as the awkwardness of discus= sing personal matters with a stranger. For example, if my client is HIV p= ositive or has AIDS, or is a widower who is only recently re-entering the= dating arena, I remind him that it is completely understandable that he = might hesitate before sharing this information with someone he has just m= et because of the emotional vulnerability. On the other hand, if he does= n't share his health status but has safer sex with someone he has begun t= o date, it only becomes more difficult to reveal this information as the = relationship progresses. In addition, I caution my patients that the oth= er man may well feel hurt, betrayed or distrustful if he learns about th= e presence of HIV or AIDS after he has become emotionally or sexually inv= olved. = AIDS has definitely influenced the process of coupling for gay men. Som= e men won't date an HIV-infected person because they don't want to fall i= n love with someone who will get sick, die and leave them. "I just don't= want to go through the process of opening up, getting close and having i= t end soon," one of my HIV-negative clients explained to me regarding his= decision to only date sero-negative men. Some of the men who are in thi= s category are widowers who have already lost a lover to AIDS. There is = rancor in some sectors of the community about the political incorrectness= of this kind of "AIDS apartheid." As a sero-positive man, I am not angr= y about men deciding not to become emotionally or sexually involved with = someone who has HIV or AIDS. I can understand those feelings and respect = them. Dating and love is an issue about people's feelings and limits, not= about political correctness. I see this situation as being a lot differe= nt from a chronically single client telling me he won't pursue a relation= ship because the man wears cologne. Being sero-positive or even having AIDS doesn't have to mean that anyone= 's chances for beginning a relationship are over, yet some of my HIV-posi= tive single clients use their sero-status as an excuse not to pursue a re= lationship. Obviously, HIV can complicate things and make the process of= meeting people and dating more difficult. In conversations with my sing= le clients and friends who have HIV, I've heard many different opinions e= xpressed regarding the kind of person being sought as a lover. There are= men who only want to go out with other men who are also HIV-positive, be= lieving this will make things less complicated. Others only want to meet= someone who is HIV-negative so that their partner will be able to take c= are of them if they become ill. = With the specter of dying alone laying on the minds of single gay men wi= th HIV and AIDS, the desire to partner up is even more intense than it mi= ght be in a society that already looks down on single people. "There is = probably more permission within the urban gay male culture to be single t= han in society in general," notes Michael Bettinger, yet he still finds t= hat his chronically single clients can be defensive about their singlehoo= d. Robert Remien feels that there are more men looking to be in relations= hips now than in the '70s. "Some of this is an evolution of gay male cul= ture away from the revolving sexual door that characterized so much of th= e era of the sexual revolution," he says, "and some of it is a direct res= ponse to AIDS." With this in mind, and with gay men signing up for dati= ng workshops in record numbers, can therapists help unhappily single gay = men develop the skills necessary to form permanent partnerships? If so, = then how is this accomplished? * * * = While it may not be a glamorous new technique, I have found that a psych= o-educational approach works the best with chronically single gay men. I = teach my clients the skills and problem-solving techniques they need to b= e able to negotiate new relationships, differences, their needs and desir= es in a healthy way. To start, I encourage my clients to explore all the= ir options for meeting men. In fact, I often give clients the assignment = to write out a personal classified advertisement. As part of this assignm= ent, I always have them specify what they are seeking in a potential mate= in addition to having them list the qualities that they bring to a roman= tic partnership. This almost always provides fertile ground for exploring= self-perceptions, fantasies and desires as well as correcting inaccuraci= es in their descriptions of who they are and what they are looking for in= another man. "I often have to challenge my clients' beliefs that they h= ave little to offer another man," says Michael Bettinger. Another piece of my approach is to explain to clients the impact of neve= r having dated other men during their adolescence. Missing that phase of = experimenting and experiencing the accompanying discomfort, gay men toda= y may feel frustrated that they still feel so awkward about dating, parti= cular if they are otherwise self-assured, successful people. For Bettinge= r, the initial interventions he makes with his single gay clients who are= shy about dating is to challenge themselves to put themselves out there.= "Many chronically single gay men want to meet someone and don't really u= nderstand that they have to put themselves in situations where they have = the potential to meet other men interested in dating," he says. = Being brought up male in this society, we were trained to be the sexual = aggressors, and it is harder to get the cues right when you are the objec= t of another man's advances. For example, men will be oblivious to the fa= ct that another man is trying to flirt with them or even get their attent= ion. I often give assignments to my single clients to walk with their he= ads up and actively try to notice anyone when men smile at them, nod or g= ive some other indication of being interested in at least beginning a con= versation. Since it was forbidden for us to flirt with each other under t= he rules of heterosexual society, I suppose it's no wonder my clients dis= play a lot of anxiety about practicing these social skills. In the same v= ein, so many of my unhappily single patients are willing to give their ph= one numbers to a man who asks for it, but the notion of mutuality is conf= using. When I inquire whether they asked for the other man's number, they= seem dumbfounded, amazed that they might have done that. After coaching my clients, educating them, encouraging them and helping = them feel worthy of being loved by another man, I send them out there and= hope they will be blessed to find someone who will love, honor, and brin= g out the best in them. But I am under no illusions that finding a partne= r will be the panacea to all their problems, even thought my clients migh= t feel that way. I don't believe the only successful outcome of therapy w= ith chronically single gay men is that they all get married and live happ= ily ever after. Some go on, still single, and live happier lives and cont= inue to look for love, but in better ways and with better chances of succ= ess. Occasionally, one will come back and tell me about a new love, and I= am delighted to hear him describe how alive he feels with a man who is a= great listener, who can open up emotionally, who brings out the best in = my client. I understand what a triumph it is to create and sustain a love= like that. I think of Paul Monette--now dead from AIDS--and his moving d= escription of finding love after a long search: "When the two of us left together at midnight, scuttling down the stairs= and bursting out onto Revere Street, the laugh that erupted between us w= as unlike anything I'd ever felt. For we were co-conspirators already, b= umping shoulders like drunken sailors as we careened down the street to R= oger's car, then back to his place in Cambridge. The only time in my life= , I think, that I made love all night long. But frantically talking in b= etween kisses, trying to fill in every detail, as if now were the only ch= ance I might get to tell him who I was. And three times during the night= he shook his head with the tenderest smile and said, `You're so self-con= scious. Relax.' "But I couldn't relax, not then. I wanted so bad to make the right impr= ession, to make it last beyond the morning--the only thing that shut me u= p was falling asleep at dawn. It's a wonder he didn't run away, I kept c= oming on so strong. I still don't know how we made it stick, except righ= t from the start I was the one pushing for this to be the great love of o= ur lives . . . "Making it work with Roger, seeing the world together, that's what life = would be about from here on. Not being alone. It all seems so inevitable = in hindsight, meeting the one person who would make those twenty-five yea= rs of pain bearable at last . . ." = "And from that moment on the brink of summer's end, no one would ever te= ll me again that men like me couldn't love." = =0D Michael Shernoff, M.S.W., is in private practice in New York, coeditor of= The Second Decade of AIDS, and is a Contributing Editor to In the Family= =2E =0D In The Family is a quarterly magazine for lesbians, gays, bisexuals and t= heir relations. For information about subscribing or submitting essays ca= ll (301) 270-4771. = --PART.BOUNDARY.0.17898.emout05.mail.aol.com.822588363--