From: Date: Sun, 26 Jun 1994 20:47:20 EDT Subject: Being gay in a straight marriage Hello gaydads and queer-parents, I'm the person that's been clogging up your email box with tidbits of news now and again, hope you are enjoying most of it, and deleting the items you aren't interested in. As I earlier stated, it's an attempt to get some conversations started, and once in awhile that does happen. :) This piece is from my heart, and I just now spontaneously decided to use it as my "intro" to these two interesting lists. As a word or two of background, I have been reading a lot of flames on the "dc-motss" list (g/l/b list centered around Washington, D.C. area) directed toward people like me who are gay in a straight marriage. They have been having quite a lively discussion going, and naive ol' me thought I'd throw in my 2 cents worth, so here it is. Again, I have enjoyed other people's "intros," and hope to see some more. Thanks for letting me share this with you. Barry Scott Received: 26-Jun-1994 08:47pm Greetings to all, I have been lurking awhile listening to the conversations you all have been posting about being gay in a straight marriage. As one who has been and still is there, let me tell you how I see it strictly from my own personal perspective. Let's call this my intro to you folks in the DC area from an Ohioan who enjoys your list. I am a 51 year old gay male living since 1970 in a straight marriage. For the same number of years I have been working as a librarian here at Ohio University, Athens, Ohio. My wife (Sandy) and my 21-year-old daughter (Jodie) both know I am gay. I must say that when I got married, I was denying my gayness and thought marriage would "straighten" me out. Back in the 60's gays didn't have the support systems one sees now, and family pressures, societal pressures, you name it, all combined in my making a decision to get married. The wedding was a lovely little family affair, and all went well. I still was coming to terms with my own sexual identity and probably will continue until I die. I even convinced my wife that "we" should subscribe to the early issues of Playgirl, for *her* enjoyment (as well as my hidden one). Sex had always been enjoyable with her, no problems at all. I just wasn't always fulfilled inside. I studied and kept myself busy for several years as a part-time student and enjoyed participating in the birth of my daughter in 1973. Time past and we did the family things like purchase a home, get our daughter off to preschool, then regular school, etc. But I had these yearnings inside I couldn't deny and took the "easy" way out and started frequenting public rest rooms on campus. I soon learned the "tea room" etiquette and found myself soon edicted to it. At the same time I continued to satisfy my wife back at the homefront. My luck ran out in 1983 and I was arrested for my restroom activity. I "came out" rather pubicly (in the local papers) and finally forced to "come out" to my wife. By then the local gay/lesbian/bisexual support group was growing and supported me in the ensuing months and years. My wife rallied around me while stuggling with my betrayal of her. We had lots of conversations, arguments, periods of depression (she would claim up) -- in short, it was a very difficult time in our marriage. Athens' g/l/b group tried unsuccessfully two times to get a local gay rights ordinance on the books, and both my wife and myself were active in supporting it, speaking publicly in its favor. Our home was subject to much harassment, kids in the neighborhood would taunt me going and coming from work (I am a walker). Having a child who is learning disabled was a cementing factor as well, for she needed help with school work and we both have been there for her. It's been no picnic, and I would never advise anyone to follow in my footsteps. It takes great understanding and patience on the part of the straight spouse to make such a marriage work. It has been a challenge to be sure, but any marriage probably is. Realizing the potential of contracting AIDS (though I practice safe sex), my wife and I now have what you would call a platonic relationship. Since learning email last December, I am able to have some support with people on the various lists I subscribed to. Yes, we have cried, we have laughed, but with a forgiving wife and child, so far it is working. Don't know if it will always be such, but for now we are persevering. In looking back, I would never do it again -- it's too hard on your family, too hard on a lot of people. I admire the gays in today's world who appear stronger than I ever could have been back in the 60's and faced the world with a courageous honesty I couldn't muster. Just some thoughts of how one such marriage is still in existence -- never thought about the other benefits -- often think of the pitfalls and hope anyone reading this who may be on the borderline about doing the same as I did, won't! To your own self be true, I could restate a thousand times. [I wrote this last night, thought about it today and said I won't even send it, but looking at it again today, I thought maybe someone somewhere might benefit from our experiences so that is why you are now reading it -- if you made it this far. I realize I am a hypocrite, taking advantage of the built-in advantages of marriage, I am guilty of all of the points you people have been discussing, but any relationship takes work and mine was no exception. I am thankful that I can be open with the people around me that I care about the most-- my wife and daughter. Take care and thanks for reading this -- it was hard to put into words but each time I do I grow a little more by dealing with my ambivalent feelings to my own situation.] Hugs, Barry Scott