From: <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 26 Jun 1994 20:47:20 EDT

Subject:  Being gay in a straight marriage

Hello gaydads and queer-parents,
	I'm the person that's been clogging up your email box with tidbits of 
news now and again, hope you are enjoying most of it, and deleting the
items you aren't interested in.  As I earlier stated, it's an attempt to get
some conversations started, and once in awhile that does happen.  :)

	This piece is from my heart, and I just now spontaneously decided to 
use it as my "intro" to these two interesting lists.
	As a word or two of background, I have been reading a lot of flames on
the "dc-motss" list (g/l/b list centered around Washington, D.C. area) directed 
toward people like me who are gay in a straight marriage.  They have been
having quite a lively discussion going, and naive ol' me thought I'd throw in
my 2 cents worth, so here it is.

	Again, I have enjoyed other people's "intros," and hope to see some 
more.  
	Thanks for letting me share this with you.
Barry Scott
<[email-masked]>

Received:  26-Jun-1994 08:47pm

Greetings to all,
	I have been lurking awhile listening to the conversations you all have
been posting about being gay in a straight marriage.   As one who has been 
and still is there, let me tell you how I see it strictly from my own personal
perspective.  Let's call this my intro to you folks in the DC area from
an Ohioan who enjoys your list.
	I am a 51 year old gay male living since 1970 in a straight marriage.
For the same number of years I have been working as a librarian here at Ohio
University, Athens, Ohio.  My wife (Sandy) and my 21-year-old daughter (Jodie)
both know I am gay.  
	I must say that when I got married, I was denying my gayness and thought
marriage would "straighten" me out.  Back in the 60's gays didn't have the
support systems one sees now, and family pressures, societal pressures, you
name it, all combined in my making a decision to get married.  The wedding was a 
lovely little family affair, and all went well.  I still was coming to terms 
with my own sexual identity and probably will continue until I die. I even 
convinced my wife that "we" should subscribe to the early issues of Playgirl, 
for *her* enjoyment (as well as my hidden one).
	Sex had always been enjoyable with her, no problems at all.  I just
wasn't always fulfilled inside.  I studied and kept myself busy for several
years as a part-time student and enjoyed participating in the birth of my
daughter in 1973.  Time past and we did the family things like purchase a home,
get our daughter off to preschool, then regular school, etc.
	But I had these yearnings inside I couldn't deny and took the "easy"
way out and started frequenting public rest rooms on campus.  I soon learned the
"tea room" etiquette and found myself soon edicted to it.  At the same time I
continued to satisfy my wife back at the homefront.  My luck ran out in 1983 and 
I was arrested for my restroom activity.  I "came out" rather pubicly (in the 
local papers) and finally forced to "come out" to my wife.
	By then the local gay/lesbian/bisexual support group was growing and
supported me in the ensuing months and years.  My wife rallied around me while
stuggling with my betrayal of her.  We had lots of conversations, arguments,
periods of depression (she would claim up) -- in short, it was a very difficult
time in our marriage.  
	Athens' g/l/b group tried unsuccessfully two times to get a local 
gay rights ordinance on the books, and both my wife and myself were active in
supporting it, speaking publicly in its favor.  Our home was subject to much
harassment, kids in the neighborhood would taunt me going and coming from work
(I am a walker).  
	Having a child who is learning disabled was a cementing factor as well,
for she needed help with school work and we both have been there for her.
	It's been no picnic, and I would never advise anyone to follow in my
footsteps.  It takes great understanding and patience on the part of the 
straight spouse to make such a marriage work.  It has been a challenge to be
sure, but any marriage probably is.  
	Realizing the potential of contracting AIDS (though I practice safe 
sex), my wife and I now have what you would call a platonic relationship. Since
learning email last December, I am able to have some support with people on the  
various lists I subscribed to.
	Yes, we have cried, we have laughed, but with a forgiving wife and
child, so far it is working.  Don't know if it will always be such, but for now
we are persevering.  
	In looking back, I would never do it again -- it's too hard on your 
family, too hard on a lot of people.  I admire the gays in today's world who
appear stronger than I ever could have been back in the 60's and faced the
world with a courageous honesty I couldn't muster.
	Just some thoughts of how one such marriage is still in existence --
never thought about the other benefits -- often think of the pitfalls and
hope anyone reading this who may be on the borderline about doing the same
as I did, won't!  To your own self be true, I could restate a thousand times.
	[I wrote this last night, thought about it today and said I won't even
send it, but looking at it again today, I thought maybe someone somewhere might
benefit from our experiences so that is why you are now reading it -- if you 
made it this far.  I realize I am a hypocrite, taking advantage of the built-in
advantages of marriage, I am guilty of all of the points you people have been 
discussing, but any relationship takes work and mine was no exception.  I am
thankful that I can be open with the people around me that I care about the
most-- my wife and daughter.  Take care and thanks for reading this -- it was
hard to put into words but each time I do I grow a little more by dealing with
my ambivalent feelings to my own situation.]

Hugs,
Barry Scott
<[email-masked]>