>From: MCDERMO1@MUVMS6.MU.WVNET.EDU >Date: Wed, 22 Jun 1994 11:48:27 -0400 (EDT) WHY I'M GOING TO STONEWALL 25 _____________________________ It was a warm summer evening the night Will asked me to marry him. We happened to be at a party for my best friend, Todd, and I didn't even see it coming. He sat down next to me on the couch after the party was in full swing, and most of the other guests were entertaining themselves. The softest music was playing in the background, and we were having a really pleasant conversation about the future. Looking back, I cannot remember what it was about, but I remember exactly how it made me feel. Will was shorter than I was - about 5"7 - and had blonde hair and hazel green eyes, and was the eptimome of everything I've ever dreamed about: Caring, loving, attentive, fun, and supportive. I knew every feature on his face so well from staring at him for hours - both when he was awake and asleep. That night, however, there was a weird look upon his face. "Is there something wrong?" I asked. "There's something I want to tell you....and to ask you." he replied. I turned fully to face him, and he slid his arm closer around my side. "It used to be that whenever I thought about being gay, I would cry. I knew I was, and I hated it. I would always look up into the sky and pray to God to change me...to make me straight...." (Tears began to well up in his eyes at this point, which simultaneously told me that this was no ordinary dining-room conversation and brought a flood of emotion - mostly concern and love- into my heart.) "I used to tell Sherry (his sister, who happened to be a lesbian) that I wished I could die. I didn't want to be gay. I knew it would be hard. I didn't know if I would ever be happy." "Even after I had come out, and accepted myself, I still had those very same doubts." (Then he looked deep into my eyes) "And then, I found you." "You are so cute, so handsome. I've fallen deep, DEEP, in love with you." (Tears began to flow down my cheeks as well at this point) "And you know what?" ("what?") "I no longer pray to God to make me straight or different. You've helped me accept myself. You've made me PROUD to be gay. And - most importantly - if God had ever made me straight - then I would never have found you..." At this point, we were both sobbing. I had never really cried tears of joy in my life before. It was an amazing experience - to be so happy, so full of life and love that the possibilities seemed so endless.... "So, with that in mind, I have something to ask you...." At that point, it hit me what he was about to say. I began to tremble. Oh God! How could any moment be more wonderful than this? He took my hand and held it in his with the most tender touch, yet firm and strong enough to reassure me. "I love you." (I nodded) ("I love you.") "Jim, will you be my husband? For always and forever?" If I thought I had cried BEFORE, the tears just exploded out of me... It was the most beautiful moment of my life... I was crying so hard, he asked me "Are you o.k.?" And I just looked up at him and said, "Yes." He knew what I meant. FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD --------------------- Will and I didn't make it. The only great tragedy that seperated us was the homophobia and the damage it inflicted. Our relationship, like many others, ended on a sea of dreams. At that point in time, we weren't strong enough, weren't ready to take on the world's hate by ourselves. We thought we could do it, but we vastly underestimated the power of hate, and the damaging effects of trying to maintain a relationship in an area where monogamy (even in the gay community) is looked down upon. The relationship between Will and I lasted long enough, however, to give me the stregnth and the fortitude of memories which can never be erased. My love for Will will never truly die. I have loved since then, and loved well. And, one day, I truly believe that I will reach even greater heights of happiness and love that I never even dared to dream about. It will happen. I'm going to Stonewall 25 - not necessarily for political power, although that is very important to my activism. I'm not going just for the fun, the partys. I'm going because I want to begin a change. A change that, even if no one else sees it, will have the most powerful impact. For while political struggles come and go, I must remind myself, that the most important battles are fought on the inner plane. We fight for our souls every day...to love the ones we CHOOSE to love, who we were destined to love. A million people strong, our community (or whatever you choose to call it) will have a million different viewpoints on a variety of issues. However, the most powerful impact we can have on one another is when we reaffirm the love and stregnth within ourselves. There a million beautiful moments (or MORE!) waiting for each of us. Let's begin to change the future....in our own special way. If,somehow, you can't attend Stonewall, take that day and make it your own. Tell yourself how much you love and appreciate yourself! You're great! You're wonderful! You've made it this far! Which means you ARE a hero! You are inspiring to others! Remember that. My mind at Stonewall will be on Will. How he might have been there, holding my hand. And I will march to give the next pair of couples an easier chance at making things work. A world without homophobia! (Envision it! Think what it would be like!) What a difference it WILL make! But, until then, I face the future proudly. I am a peaceful warrior of love, getting ready to embark on a mission. My fellow warriors, I am proud of each and every one of you. In each and every one of you, I draw the stregnth of your goodness even when things seem hopeless. THANK YOU. For being who you are. I appreciate it. With much love, Your friend Jim McDermott jim mcdermott Make a difference! Go to Stonewall25! e-mail: mcdermo1@muvms6.mu.wvnet.edu It's not JUST a party! Inside, I was a child, that could not mend a broken wing, Outside, I looked for a way to teach my heart to sing, And I'll Remember, the love you gave me, Now that I'm standing on my own. I'll Remember, the way that you changed me, I'll Remember. -Madonna, I'll Remember (3/17/94)