From: MShernoff@aol.com Date: Wed, 17 Feb 1999 18:03:55 EST Subject: Mr Right or Mr. Right Now Is He Mr. Right or Mr. Right for Tonight? Some tips for telling the difference Michael Shernoff, MSW Originally published in GENRE , NO. 68, March 1999 1999 Michael Shernoff Permission is granted to copy or reproduce this article either in full or in part, without prior written authorization of the author on the sole condition that the author is credited and notified of reproduction Sometimes when we just want to get off hit and run sex is fine. The easy opportunity that gay men have to enjoy recreational sex with each other is one of the pleasures we have to choose from. Other times, especially if we are lonely, depressed, sad or on the rebound from the end of a relationship we want more than just another one night stand. The fact that many people find it difficult to differentiate between being in lust and being in love or even infatuated often has the potential to make sexual trysts ripe for difficulties, disappointments and unnecessary hurt feelings . If both men's expectations are not in synch this is when the one who wanted more than just another fun tumble can find himself feeling confuse d, hurt or angry that the object of his affections only wanted to play. If you are honest, most likely you will have been in the situation at least once in your life where though you just met the person, you were hoping that this was going to be the beginning of at least a fun affair and he had no interest in anything more from you than the electricity the two o f you generated while together. Sex and sexual attraction are powerful intoxicants, and potently mood altering that can all too often result in our good judgement becoming clouded when we are led by our dicks. The rest of this article will offer some tips to help you figure out whether the man who has your hormones in an uproar is just after you to appreciate all the effort you've been investing in working out or is interested in really getting to know what's between your ears and in your heart as well as what's between your legs. Be honest It's important for you to know what your own needs are at any given moment. If all you are is genuinely horny than going to a sex club, or out carousing in search for an adventure will not leave you disappointed if and when you find a willing partner. But if you are going out to a club, a bar or sex venue take some time to examine what your expectations are for that evening. It is very important to be aware if you are in "husband hunting mode." If this is the case, be careful since engaging in "casual sex" can possibly set yourself up for a serious let down if you do meet a playmate for the evening who is not looking to meet a potential boy friend. A lot of very strong feelings are often stirred up during a sexual escapade or as a result of a romantic and sexy evening even if it is with a total stranger. If you are definitely not into dating or beginning a relationship, but are out there looking to connect for a one night affair, be very careful never to say or intimate anything to your new friend that could lead him to construe that your liaison could be the beginning of something more serious. Don't even exchange phone numbers if you have no desire to call or see this fellow again. Treat each man you meet with a s much gentleness, honesty, dignity and sensitivity as you yourself want to be treated. Locale If you are interested in just getting off than going to a sex club, bath house or other location where fast food sex is available is ideal. But, if you are serious about wanting to date or find a boy friend, than don't fool yourself into believing that you will find the man of your dreams in one of these places. Of course there is always an exception, but generally the men who are in these sexual play grounds do not have marriage on their minds, unless it is to forget that they are in one (gay or hetero) for a few hours. Talking The only way to really determine if someone you meet has the potential to possibly be a boyfriend is to spend time talking with him. Does he ask you questions about yourself other than whether you are a top or bottom, what you are into and do you have a place? Ask yourself if he seems genuinely curious about you and excites your curiosity about more than how he would look with out his clothes on. Do you have anything in common besides the fact that you throw each others hormones into an uproar? Timing Many years ago, my first summer on Fire Island, a very wise old queen told me: "Honey It's all in the timing and lighting." Though I have forgotten who she was, I often recall her words. In situations where two people are hot for each other and one wants it to be more than just sex, a sure fire way to find out if the other guy is at all amenable to getting to know you in a nonsexual way is to not go to bed with him when you first meet. If he is interested in getting to know you in more intimate ways that are not exclusively sexual than he will be willing to only have a cup of coffee and conversation that first night and make plans for a lunch, dinner or some other kind of date later. This is not to say that two people can not just have a fun time playing sexually on a one time basis or have this be the beginning of a friendship or even a romance. But if you are looking for more than just a sexual relationship, consider holding off jumping into the sack when you first meet someone who you are interested in. Many people, both gay and straight have indeed begun major relationships based largely on the strong passion and great sexual chemistry they shared. As much fun as great sex and mutual attraction is, it is never enough to base a long term relationship on in what you are interested in is more than just a torrid affair. Timing is also crucial if you are HIV positive and want to find out if the man you're so hot for is someone you want to disclose your HIV status to. Nothing is lost by waiting to bed each other besides the opportunity to get laid on this particular night. Sex obviously does not have to always be about love or the initial way that a major partnership begins. But whether sex is a one time shared experience or part of long term emotional and social continuity, it should always be about at least some kind of real connection between the people involved. As adults we have the responsibility to know how to take care of ourselves, and the other men who are our sexual partners. Safe sex should not only refer to making sure that diseases are not spread, but to each of us doing our part to insure that the sex is emotionally safe for us and our partners as well. Michael Shernoff, MSW is a psychotherapist in private practice in Manhattan. He originally became known as "The Doctor Ruth of Gay Sex" due to the pioneering sex positive AIDS prevention workshops he co-created for gay men in the 1980s and subsequently for his frequent writing and lecturing on gay male sexuality and relationships. His most recent book is Gay Widowers: Life After The Death of A Partner. Key Words: queer, gay men, gay male relationships, male couples, homosexuality