From: Sam Damon Date: Wed, 13 Apr 1994 01:59:33 -0400 (edt) In the continuing adventure to clean out my desk, I've finally reached the bottom drawer. Here's some timely humor I found for tax day. I don't know where it's from, and I'm not sure when it was written. Being a financial klutz, I don't even know if some of the tax form descriptions still apply. But it's funny nevertheless. And the writer talks of both genders, which is rare in gay humor. Then again, I dunno if this is applicable to much of the denizens here since college-aged people don't generally worry much about taxes yet (lucky bums) ... Enjoy. =================== THE TAX MAN CUMMETH humor by Dana Van Iquity of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence (Source and author unknown) Before you know it, April 15 will be here and your IRS income taxes will be due. This is not necessarily a truly trying time of tearing out your hair (scalp, pubic, nose - whatever) in total anguish and utter frustration. Especially if you follow the handy- dandy guidelines of D. & V. Iquity (kind of a cheap gay person's H&R Block tax consulting firm [insulting firm?], which is being made available to you for the mere price of this periodical (in other words, A REAL BARGAIN, toots). l don't know about you, but I personally received a lovely thank-you note on page 3 of my IRS package this year, signed by Commissioner Fred T. Goldberg, Jr.: "Thank you for your help in making last year a success. Our tax system works because taxpayers are willing to do their part." Well, if we weren't willing, our only other option would be to become (depending on our gender) the best boyfriend of Sam the Slammer Slasher or Big Brenda, Queen of Cellblock Eight. And while I greatly admire the civil disobedience of Thoreau, I'm not ready to become incarcerated over them. Fred closes his greeting by saying, "Please let us know if you have ideas that will help us achieve our goal." Okay, Freddy, you asked for it! We hereby request certain gay privileges, being the special disposable-income folk that we are alleged to be. Since most of us are not married in the legal sense of this word, we are wrongfully denied spousal privileges. If we have to live with that slob of a lover and remain reasonably faithful, why shouldn't we claim him or her as an exemption? And why shouldn't the leather daddies get to claim their boys as dependents, deducting for the costly expense of S/M training school and all those broken paddles and whips? And hey, do you think handcuffs are cheap? By the same token, Sugar Mamas should be able to claim their sweet baby girls as deductions, don't you agree? What about dowager empresses and their many, many drag daughters? Supplying all that Max Factor and Maybelline can really cost a bundle -- not to mention the cost of sequins by the barrel-load. Speaking of sequins, are you aware that drag queens have to purchase an entire wardrobe separate from their three-piece suits and wingtip shoes, right down to four pairs of hose an evening (to hide those especially hairy legs)? Shouldn't they therefore have the right to claim their alter ego (for example, men: "Miss Demenda Mann"; women: "Fonda Pussy") as their other half? How about our artificial spouses -- the rubber husbands we keep stashed away in the nightstand drawer? Listen, those life-like Jeff Stryker dildoes cost a pretty penny. And consider the added expense of an extra appendage -- such as a strap-on dildo -- for the ladies. Can't you allow these as extra exemptions? Then there are our gay children: the four-legged variety. Pusskins and Doggie-Doggums are not ordinary, common house pets, I'll have you know. It's no small expense keeping them fashionably attired in those adorable little Gucci sweaters and rhinestone collars. And their meals! Nothing less than Kitty Quiche and Puppy Prime-Rib-in-a-Can will do for our furry dependents. Let us not forget lesbian parents of real human children. If you won't count the birth mother's mama as a wife, at least consider the turkey baster for spousal support purposes! As far as that little title in LINE 4, "Head of Household" goes, I'm sure every gay male IRS-filer gave head in their house at least once last year, so they ought to be allowed special compensation. Or does that fall under the category of itemized deductions for "dental care" in the oral services department? While we're on the subject of allowed medical deductions, I demand several thousand dollars worth for condoms and dental dams! Now then, in LINE 31. Do we really have to report all our gross income? I'll tell you the truth. Mine was especially gross last year. But why should I be taxed for "endowments" anyway? I'm not hung that big, for god's sake. And what about "prizes and awards"? How do you put a tax value on a trophy for "Miss Congeniality" in the "Tammy Faye Look-Alike" contest? Or runner-up in the "Mr. Vanilla Leather Sex" competition? Do you consider my meager gambling gains in the monthly Drag Mud-Wrestling Games a taxable income? Or placing twelfth in the Moist Jock Strap contest? Are lesbians really supposed to report their winnings in the Annual Tofu Bake-Off? And gratuities -- don't even ask me to report that fifty-cent tip a trick left on my nightstand. Or would that be better classified as a "rollover"? Now let's talk about gay disabilities. How many of us had some really bad hair days last year? All the mousse and AquaNet hairspray and industrial-strength conditioners we had to purchase in an attempt to doctor our dippy do's. Or those endless, fruitless (pun intended) nights of cruising around and around the trysting spots, walking up and down the alleys, wearing out precious shoe leather. Can't we deduct the cost of retreading those Reeboks? Aside from the usual charities, I know I contributed my fair share buying 20 different Queer Nation t-shirts, 50 ACT-UP sweatshirts, several National Coming Out Day running outfits, and countless buttons telling people that "nobody knows I'm gay." And all those charity slave auctions, fifty-fifty raffles to send a needy leatherman to motorcycle camp, BINGO games to help finance a poor, bedraggled drag queen's complete makeover and emergency fashion consultation/reconstruction. Page 15 of my booklet mentions "lump-sum distributions." Would this refer to the fat lumps that some former Miss Gay may have liposuctioned out of her butt and redistributed to her chest? And how about post-op male-to-female transsexuals? Couldn't they be allowed compensation for that little six or seven-inch deduction they made from their body? Finally, what about LINE 24 concerning "your IRA deduction from applicable worksheets"? I once dated a guy named Ira, spent a great deal of money on him, and later that night we really worked those sheets. So do I get my deductions, Mr. Commissioner? By the way, I am appalled at LINE 28's warning of a "penalty for early withdrawal." Haven't you read your safer-sex guidelines? One exhortation I must strongly emphasize: gay men and lesbians filling out their forms must not do so while dressed in self- indulgent leather outfits or silly peacock feathers or any dizzy costumes, because according to page 26, "the law imposes a $500 penalty for filing a frivolous return." You have been warned, Mary Louise!