Date: Fri, 13 May 94 08:56 GMT
From: gwyn@thunder.indstate.edu (Thomas W. Holt Jr.)

From: jessea@nature.Berkeley.EDU

"Help for SISS Sufferers" by Nancy Boutilier
        from her column "Dykeotomy", Bay Area Reporter, 4-21-94
        reprinted with permission of the author

What two wordsd can destroy a passionate, committed relationship
faster than "I do"?

If your answer is "Play ball!" then you, too may be experiencing
that phenomenon known as Softball Induced Spousal Separation (SISS).

I used to think SISS was a lesbian-specific disorder, this strain
on loving relationships marked by softball season. However, San
Francisco's Gay Softball League is living, batting, running proof
that gay men can be just as swept up in the magic of high-arching
pitches as the hardest hitting of lesbian shortstops.

Some of you may already be too well acquainted with the diamond's
magnetism.  Perhaps you have acknowledged its power over someone
you love.  You've watched as a friend fell deeply under the spell
of that seamy sphere.  Or maybe you've even lost a lover to that leather
fetish centered on cleats and a glove.

With the Gay Games scheduled for June, surely softball is not
the only sport whose spring training threatens to unravel the
center of otherwise tight relationships.

Well, as one who has lived through a few seasons in the
company of a girlfriend with a golden glove and a loaded
arm, I have, over the innings--I mean years--developed a
few strategies for saving my sanity when softball has
stolen my sweetie away from me.

I share them witht hose of you who know too well that it
ain't over till it's over.

NOD AND ECHO

First, maintaining effective communication through the
long season is important for a lasting relationship.
Learn to nod and echo.  You don't have to know anything
about the game--not the rules, not the strategies, not
even the lingo--but when your girlfriend or boyfriend
starts to talk softball, just nod and echo.

For instance, here's a sample dialogue (guys, change
the names and pronouns as you wish):

Her: We didn't get a runner on until the bottom of
the sixth when Alice doubled to left and Monica
sacrificed her to third...

You (nodding):  Alice doubled.  Monicea moved
her.  (Note: It helps to look off into the distance,
as if to suggest that you are imagining this all
on a ball field in  your mind.)

Her:  Two walks loaded the bases, and Dara
unleashed a shot.  The throw from the outfield
was on the money, but the catcher dropped the
ball!

You: Dropped the ball.

Her: (hugging you with excitement): Yup,
and that was it.  We won another one.

You: (hugging back):  That's great, honey.
You won another one.

(to be continued)=============================================

Date: Fri, 13 May 94 08:56 GMT
From: gwyn@thunder.indstate.edu (Thomas W. Holt Jr.)


Date: Thu, 12 May 1994 09:55:30 -0700
From: jessea@nature.Berkeley.EDU

[continued.  typed in in honor of approaching Gay Gaymes.
Enjoy.]

(photo of forlorn spectators on hard, hot bleacher seats,
with caption "Softball widows congregate to cheer on
their more athletically inclined loved ones.")

Just like misery, abandonment to softball loves company.
The worst thing you can do when your loved one is at the
ball park is stay home alone.  Although some softball
spouses prefer to avoid the field altogether, I believe
that the long-term effects of such a strategy are fatal
to the relationship.  I say, face the music.  And the
song is "Take Me Out to the Ball Game."

The sidelines can feel like a lonely place, but
you should never feel alone.  Remember, where there's
one softball spouse, there are at least nine others.
And what fun it is to spend the afternoon looking sporty
in the sunshine and gathering gossip!  Ten times out of ten,
the other softball spouses won't pay any more attention
to the games than you will.  Collectively, however,
you who have the common goal of tending to your cleated
companion will find that you can keep track just
enough so that when the teams are shaking hands--evidence
that the game is finally over--you will know who won.

At this point, most of your comrades-in-lawnchairs will be
focusing their attention on their own sweethearts.  It is
well worth listening to their observations at these moments,
as the comments can be very telling:  "Uh-oh, Lindy just
told Spike to go to hell."  "No one looks too cheery, do
they?"  Was that Pat who just punched your lover?"

As you can see, knowing which team wins is only half the
battle of knowing how to greet your lover after the game.
Greetings depend not only on which team wins, but also
on your loved one's peformance, the number of bruises
sustained, field conditions, umpire calls, league standings,
as well as the moon's tilt and the coach's zodiac sign.

Even when you think you know exactly what your loved one
wants to hear, you still only have a 50-50 chance of
being right.

For instance (gals, it's your turn to rearrange pronouns),
if your boyfriend plays well, but his team loses, then he
will need publicly to display disappointment with the defeat.
Generally, it is not a good idea to run up to him yelling
"great catch" for a spectacular play he made in the second
inning of a 10-2 loss.  Doing so might threaten his relationship
with his teammates, who could care less about that catch.

Experience has taught me to wait in my lawnchair (the low,
fold-up ones are my preference) until my girlfriend greets
me.  This way she and her teammates can process the game--
what a fellow sufferer of SISS calls "doing that team thing."