From: [email-masked] (Jon Harley)
Date: 14 Jan 1994 17:54:33 GMT

Archive-name: bisexual/faq
Last-modified: 9-Dec-1993

                            The soc.bi FAQ list
                            ===================
       soc.bi : for the discussion of any issues related to bisexuality

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|                                 CONTENTS                                   |
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SECTION A: ABOUT BISEXUALITY           (answers to frequently asked questions)

A1.	What does "bisexual" mean anyway?
A2.	What do all these acronyms mean: MOTSS, MOTOS, SO?
A3.	Aren't bisexuals just just going through a phase of being confused
	about their sexuality?   
A4.	Aren't bisexuals really denying their homosexuality?
A5.	Are bisexuals equally attracted to both sexes?
A6.	Do bisexuals have to have lovers of both sexes to be bisexual?
A7.	Are bisexuals capable of monogamy?
A8.	But if they're monogamous, how can they be bisexual?
A9.	Isn't everyone really bisexual?
A10.	Why do you think bi issues are different from gay issues, since all
	your problems come the same source, homophobia?
A11.	Why would lesbians/gay men discriminate against bisexuals?
A12.	Why CAN'T you choose one sex over the other?
A13.	I've never slept with a MOTSS/MOTOS, but I feel attracted to one.
	Am I bisexual?
A14.	I've discovered that I'm bisexual - should I tell my family?
A15.	Is there really a bisexual community?
A16.	Are there any bi-friendly places in real life? 
A17.	Does anyone know of any good books with bisexual characters?
A18.	What is the Kinsey scale?
A19.	What other resources are available on bisexuality?

SECTION B: ABOUT SOC.BI                     (please read this before you post)

B1.	Hi, I'm straight. Is it okay if I post here too?
B2.	Is it okay if I ask you all a few questions about bisexuality?
B3.	Would you all please help me with this survey on sexuality?
B4.	"How can I pick up some hot bisexual babes for a threesome?"
B5.	Is there anything else I should not discuss on soc.bi?
B6.	I haven't seen any responses to my posting. Are you all ignoring me?
B7.	Why is soc.bi so argumentative at the moment, why can't it always
	be nice and fluffy?
B8.	I'd like to post to soc.bi but my newsreader won't let me, is there
	another way? And can I post anonymously?
B9.	What do these terms mean: muffin, de-muffining, fluff, bidar?
B10.	What do you mean by "monosexual"?

SECTION C: ABOUT THIS FAQ                                 (where, who and why)

C1.	Frequency and purpose
C2.	Contributors

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|                       SECTION A: ABOUT BISEXUALITY                         |
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This section is designed to answer some questions regularly asked about
bisexuality. They should provide some background to issues which are often
discussed on soc.bi.

A1.	What do you mean by "bisexual" anyway?

Bisexual can be used to describe people who have erotic, affectionate,
romantic feelings for, fantasies of, and/or experiences with both men and
women, and people who self-identify as bisexuals for these or any other
reason. 

A2.	What do all these acronyms mean: MOTSS, MOTOS, SO?

MOTSS:	Member(s) Of The Same Sex. Often loosely used to refer to anyone who
	is ATTRACTED to members of the same sex.
	Not to be confused with MOTTS, a brand of apple juice.
MOTOS:	Member(s) Of The Opposite (or Other) Sex.
SO:	Significant Other. Unrestrictive term which may apply to lover,
	husband, wife, playpartner, or anyone else of importance to the
	person concerned. On soc.bi, SO does NOT imply MOTOS or MOTSS.

A3.	Aren't bisexuals just going through a phase of being confused about
	their sexuality?

Bisexuals are people who are attracted to both sexes; their reasons why they
are attracted to one sex may be very different from their reasons why they are
attracted to the other, and they may not be equally attracted to both sexes.
However, many of us are absulutely certain that we are attracted to both
sexes; there is no confusion.

It is natural for people who are coming to terms with a sexuality which is not
society's norm to be feel confused. For some people, bisexuality is a phase
between homosexuality and heterosexuality (and the individual in question
could be going in either direction); for others it can just be a brief
experimentation. But for many people bisexuality is a lifelong, committed
sexual orientation.

And even for those who ultimately do not stay bisexual for life, that does not
make it any the less valid as a sexual orientation. Many people have reported
that their sexual orientation has shifted over time; sexuality is dynamic, not
fixed. For some people it may be a small shift, others a major change of
lifestyle; but this does not make the points in between in any sense "wrong".
Life is a continuous process, and few of us remain exactly the same over long
periods of time.

A4.	Aren't bisexuals really denying their homosexuality?

It's difficult for some lesbian/gay people to come to grips with their
homosexuality, and for a while, dating MOTOS may make life seem a little more
"realistic" and bearable. Let's face it, coming out of the closet and living
as a homosexual is no picnic; between the sanctioned discrimination which
gay/bi men face of being in a perceived high risk group for AIDS, and the
social standards of love, courtship, and marriage, being gay at times takes
more energy than humans should be asked to give.

But coming out bisexual is no easy matter, either. Bisexuals have to face
loved ones who have relied in the past on their attraction to them being
constant, and who have to assure them that it will be there in the future.
Bisexuals deal with friends who assure them that their attraction to MOTSS is
just "a way of avoiding intimacy" or that their attraction to motos is
"internalized homophobia". Bisexuality is not an "easy way out," a "denial,"
or a "middle ground." It is for some people the hardest decision they will
ever make.

Some bisexuals self-identify as gay or lesbian; for them, their primary sexual
interest lies in members of their same sex. But "gay" and "lesbian" (and
"bisexual" for that matter) are labels created by a homophobic, biphobic,
heterosexist society to create separate categories of "us" and "them." People
are unique; they do not fit into these comfortable little categories.

But, attracted to or involved with MOTOS or not, revealing an interest in
MOTSS will often result in gay-related discrimination and exclusion.

A5.	Are bisexuals equally attracted to both sexes?

Many bisexuals feel they have a "preference" for one gender over another, but
they do not deny their attraction for that other gender.

Some bisexuals, however, have no such preference, and instead focus their
attractions on qualities they see in an individual, regardless of that
person's gender. Sometimes these qualities involve gender, sometimes not. For
example, some people find men attractive as men, and women attractive as
women; others find people's gender irrelevant.

A6.	Do bisexuals have to have lovers of both sexes to be bisexual?

Sometimes it is useful to distinguish bisexual identity and bisexual
behaviour. People who call themselves bisexual are saying that they are
attracted to both men and women. They don't necessarily have to act on that
attraction. Conversely there are many people who have lovers of both sexes,
but who don't think of themselves as bisexual.

There is a separate newsgroup, alt.polyamory, for discussion of the issues
relating to the dynamics of multi-way relationships (whether involving
bisexuals or not).

A7.	Are bisexuals capable of monogamy?

It depends on the individual. It's like asking "Can a straight person be
monogamous?" Some bisexuals are monogamous, and some aren't. Monogamy is the
socially sanctioned option with respect to relationships, but then so is
heterosexuality. It should be up to every individual, of any sexuality, to
choose the lifestyle which is right for them.

A8.	But if they're monogamous, how can they be bisexual?

A bisexual deciding to be monogamous is not deciding to be "gay" or
"straight." He/she is still bisexual; he/she has chosen a PERSON to live
his/her life with, not an orientation, preference or idealogue. It is
important to recognize that he/she still FEELS bisexual.

A9.	Isn't everyone really bisexual?

Not by any useful definition. A useful definition of bisexuality might be,
anyone who has serious relationships with members of both sexes, and anyone
who identifies as bisexual. It is possible to suggest that everyone has some
potential for attraction to both sexes, but since most people never act on it,
this is pretty irrelevant.

If someone says that they are straight, or (gay/lesbian) then for you to
insist that they are "really" bisexual but perhaps just don't realise it is to
deny them their self-identity. Everyone should be free to define their own
identity for themselves, which invalidates this kind of generalisation.

A10.	Why do you think bi issues are different from gay issues, since all
	your problems come from the same source, homophobia?

While homophobia is a bi issue, we do also have concerns different from those
of the gay community; the most striking being that of dealing with prejudice
from the gay community itself!

Among our other concerns are dealing with the emotion of SOs who we do so
deeply love yet who cannot understand our attraction to MOTOS to them. And
being accepted as bisexual if we only have one partner. And we have to deal
with a lot of myths which surround bisexuality.

A11.	Why would lesbians/gay men discriminate against bisexuals?

Because we are sometimes perceived as "hiding," a sense that some bisexuals
use their bisexuality to look heterosexual at work, in straight social
settings, to enjoy the "heterosexual privilege" that is part of the social
norm. Also, bisexuals are sometimes seen as blurring the issues and weakening
the lesbian and gay movement. Naturally, bisexual activists disagree with
this view! A further reason is that some lesbians and gay men also have sex
with MOTOS (while not identifying as bisexual). Often they can't admit this in
the lesbian and gay communities, and see bisexuality as a threat to their
safety and/or acceptance.

A12.	Why CAN'T you choose one sex over the other?

Some of us have tried, but why should we? Denying our attraction to one sex or
the other HURTS. If you ask the question out of innocence (you don't feel this
attraction, so why should anybody?) then you're asking us to put away feelings
that we cannot and will not live without. If you ask these questions with full
knowledge of the issues at hand, then your question is as patently offensive
as a white supremacist asking us to choose one race over another.

A13.	I've never slept with a MOTSS/MOTOS, but I feel attracted to one.
	Am I bisexual?

Can you be? Sure. Are you? That's up to you to decide; nobody can make that
decision for you, and nobody has the right to tell you your decision is wrong.
Bisexuality isn't about WHOM you sleep with, it's about HOW you feel.

A14.	I've discovered that I'm bisexual - should I tell my family?

Look at your life, and decide that if by telling them you will help yourself,
and by not telling them you won't hurt yourself (one doesn't necessarily
preclude the other). Both instances, of telling or not telling, can be
problems. They may not accept you, then again, maybe they will. Not telling
them may leave you at peace, or it may gnaw at your mind constantly, with "I
really need to tell them" or "I really need to tell SOMEONE who knows me
well."

There are many people in the bisexual community who can tell you of good and
bad situations that have happened to us with each different type of decision.
Indeed, these "coming-out stories" (so called because they describe "coming
out of the closet" and telling people of our sexuality) are often to be heard
whenever bisexuals meet - it is something that brings us together, because so
many of us have one of these stories to tell.

But, ultimately, the decision is yours, and must be made by you. We can offer
support for your courage, and comfort for your loss, happiness for your gain.
But YOU must make the step to make it all possible. You must decide whether
any need to know, or whether you WANT any to know. Good luck.

A15.	Is there really a bisexual community?

You're talking to one right now. We are here to share our lives, through
stories, history, friends, family; we are here, on soc.bi, to reach out from
one bisexual to another and bridge the gap between isolated bisexual
communities. To be the human part of the interface.

We are slowly coming together, demanding that our love of both sexes not be
ridiculed or minimized. Demanding that as much as the gay/lesbian community
wants recognition and respect from the straight community, we demand
recognition and respect from both. We are falling in love or grieving in loss;
we deal with the very human issues of having children; we deal with a world
after the advent of AIDS.

A16.	Are there any bi-friendly places in real life? 

Yes. Some lesbian/gay venues (pubs/bars, clubs, meeting-rooms) welcome
bisexuals (or in some cases, at least tolerate us). Many major cities in the
UK and the USA (and, increasingly, in Australia) have bisexual groups which
meet regularly and provide a bi-friendly "space". Details of how to get in
contact with the nearest such group to you can be found in:
	_International Directory of Bisexual Groups_,
	published by the East Coast Bisexual Network.
	Send US$5 to ECBN, POB 639, Cambridge, Massachusetts 02140, USA.
Additions since the most recent edition of this are included in the
Bisexual Resources List (see section A19).

A17.	Does anyone know of any good books with bisexual characters?

The Bisexual Resources List (cf section A19) gives up-to-date details of how
to get lists of books (both general literature, and specifically Science
Ficton/Fantasy) with bisexual themes and/or characters. Additions to these
lists are always welcomed.

A18.	What is the Kinsey scale?   

Dr. Alfred Kinsey created a scale, graduated between heterosexuality and
homosexuality, to rate individuals on actual experiences and psychological
reactions. The ratings are as follows:

 0: Entirely heterosexual.
 1: Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual.
 2: Predominantly heterosexual, but with a distinct homosexual history.
 3: Equally heterosexual and homosexual.
 4: Predominantly homosexual, but with a distinct heterosexual history.
 5: Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual.
 6: Entirely homosexual.

Clearly anything above 0 and less than 6 can be defined as bisexual.  Although
many people will say "I am Kinsey (whatever)," it should be noted that
subsequent researchers such as Klein have found it more useful to rate people
on a variety of levels, such as "Past History," "Present History," "Present
Feelings," and "Future Inclinations".

A19.	What other resources are available on bisexuality?

A Bisexual Resources List is posted monthly to soc.bi and several e-mail
lists. It contains, for example:
 - a diary of forthcoming events
 - a directory of other resource lists
 - a list of the various e-mail lists which may be relevant to bisexuals
 - descriptions of the newsgroups which may be relevant to bisexuals
 - a list of bisexual magazines/publications
 - a selection of books on the subject
 - list of bisexual activists' e-mail addresses.

If the resources list has expired at your site you can obtain a copy from the
maintainer, Alan Hamilton (cf section C2).

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|                        SECTION B: ABOUT SOC.BI                             |
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This section describes the prevailing "etiquette" approved by consensus on
soc.bi. The questions and answers address many issues which regularly cause
friction in the group. By reading these before posting, we hope you will be
able to avoid some pitfalls by which you may annoy large numbers of soc.bi
posters, leading to "flame" traffic; by avoiding these situations, the group
can be more positive and constructive for everyone.

B1.	Hi, I'm straight. Is it okay if I post here too?

You do not need to be bisexual to post here and be welcomed. Indeed, several
of the regular posters to soc.bi are straight; some others are lesbian or gay.
However, if you are straight and post here then there is no need to mention
that you are straight in every single posting. By all means mention your
sexuality if it is of relevance to the discussion at hand, but if you feel a
need to mention that you are straight every time you post then you should ask
yourself why this is so. If you are scared of people thinking that you are
bisexual because you post to soc.bi then perhaps you should refrain from
posting here, or at least post anonymously.

B2.	Is it okay if I ask you all a few questions about bisexuality?

Please realise that many people who are bisexual (or members of any other
oppressed group for that matter) are frequently asked to justify or explain
themselves. Some of us who have been asked time and time again what it means
to be bisexual have grown very tired of answering such questions. If you are
really interesed in bisexuality then why not read the book "Bi Any Other Name:
Bisexual People Speak Out" (edited by Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaahumanu;
Alison Publications, Boston 1991. ISBN 1-55583-174-5. $11.95).  This excellent
book, which contains about 70 or more personal accounts, will probably answer
most of your questions; why not read that book first, and then, if you still
have a few questions, ask soc.bi for more information.

B3.	Would you all please help me with this survey on sexuality?

People post surveys to soc.bi pretty regularly, so you are not likely to get a
very good response. Many of these questionnaires appear to be badly thought
out, and of little if any scientific use. So, if it looks like you just want
to use our group for your end of term project, or might be from (say) a
religious organisation trying to get evidence of promiscuity against us, you
are liable to get more flames than completed surveys.

If you undertaking a survey for some serious academic purpose, and still want
to include soc.bi, you would be well advised to follow these guidelines:
 - Tell us exactly who you are, where you work, and why you are doing a
   survey. In particular, what use to you is a self-selected sample? If you
   have any previous publications to cite, that would go a long way to help.
 - Say whether the identity of respondents will be kept confidential, and if
   so, offer convincing arguments that you will keep this promise. You may
   want to include details of how to reply through an anonymous server.
 - Since it is often possible to guess at the identity of a respondent from
   quoted text, if you wish to quote segments of confidential responses in
   your results, you should obtain permission from the respondent first.
 - Out of courtesy, please post some form of your results to the group.

A note on terminology: many people, including researchers studying sexual
identity, seem unclear about vocabulary relating to minority sexual
identities. In particular, remember that many bisexual-identified people do
not feel included by the terms "lesbian" and "gay". If you intend to inlcude
bisexual-identified people, enumerate "bisexual" whenever you enumerate
"lesbian" and "gay". Do not use "lesbian and gay" unless you specifically
mean "lesbian and gay but NOT bisexual".

Moreover, to describe the gender of romantic or sexual partners, use terms
like "same gender" and "mixed gender"; do NOT use the term "lesbian and gay
relationships" if you mean "same gender relationships", if you wish bisexual-
identified people to feel included. If, for instance, you say "I am studying
gay and lesbian relationships and I want you to participate" many bisexuals
will read this as "I'm not willing to take the time and energy to figure out
how to phrase this to include you in a non-biased way".

B4.	"How can I pick up some hot bisexual babes for a threesome?"

Don't even THINK about using soc.bi for picking up casual partners. Soc.bi is
designed to be a bi-friendly place; it is NOT alt.sex.*, alt.personals.*,
soc.penpals or alt.romance, and attempts to use it as such are not welcomed.
The group alt.personals.bi may be the most appropriate place for these posts.
Several romances, and many close friendships have developed between soc.bi
posters, but the newsgroup itself is for public discussion; we specifically
ask you to refrain from posting to this newsgroup only to pick up on people,
in other words, NO PERSONAL ADS.

There are several reasons for this. One is to create a safer space for people
to open up about themselves and issues they wish to talk about; including
those people who may be made uncomfortable by requests for sex. Another is to
lessen tactless offers (especially those including rude, obnoxious, or
inappropriately gross language).

So, please avail yourself of private e-mail to get to know people better and
discuss anything you wish. However, if you feel you have received offensive
e-mail, regarding threesomes or anything else, you have several options; for
instance to ignore it, or to reply stating that the mail is unwelcome, and
asking the sender not to e-mail you again. If this fails, you can contact the
sysadmin of the sender's system and inform her/him about a user's abuse of
usenet news privileges. If you are unsure what would be an appropriate course
of action in a given case, the FAQ contributors whose e-mail addresses appear
at the end of this FAQ can advise on what you should do.

B5.	Is there anything else I should not discuss on soc.bi?

While we'd like to be able to say "We can discuss anything here", any
consideration of the "morality" of bisexuality is specifically inappropriate,
so please, don't do it. That said, we all know that there are biphobic/
homophobic bigots out there, who will be here to preach unto us as only they
can. For those of you who would like a livable bi-space, please sit on your
hands and don't answer them. You'll only be encouraging their favorite form of
mental masturbation.

Apart from that, more or less anything goes; after all, the very nature of the
'net says we can't stop people posting anything they want to. However, new
readers are advised to refrain from posting lengthy articles, like stories,
until they have read the newsgroup for a while to develop a feel for what
topics are appropriate.

B6.	I haven't seen any responses to my posting. Are you all ignoring me?

In all likelihood, people have read your posting but choose not to respond for
any number of different reasons which have nothing to do with wanting to
ignore or snub you. Among them could be:
 - they basically agreed with what you said and did not have anything to add
   to it, and did not want to waste bandwidth with a "I agree" posting;
 - they wanted to reply did not have the time to do so;
 - they decided to reply "sometime after lunch when I have more time" and
   then, by Murphy's Law, forgot all about it; or 
 - perhaps your posting was one which was seeking advice and they did not
   feel qualified enough to offer you any, perhaps hoping that someone else
   might do so instead.

B7.	Why is soc.bi so argumentative at the moment, why can't it always be
	nice and fluffy?

There is no one single purpose to the soc.bi newsgroup. Some people like the
flirations/fluff (cf section B9); others prefer to have serious discussions
about sexual politics or perhaps read coming out stories, or even something
else still. It can be what we want it to be, and what we make it; if the
current tone of soc.bi does not appeal to you then I suggest that instead of
complaining about it, YOU post the type of articles which you would like to
see here... post fluff, if you want it to be fluffy. If others agree, they
will followup some of your postings and pretty soon the balance of articles
in the group will have changed to accomodate your needs.

Remember, not all bisexuals are fluffy. Liking fluff is no more an inherent
part of being bisexual than liking barbecue ripple ice-cream. If we are all
tolerant towards each other, there will be room for us all in soc.bi.

B8.	I'd like to post to soc.bi but my newsreader won't let me, is there
	another way? And can I post anonymously?

Yes, there is an alternative way of posting to soc.bi - you can send your
article by e-mail to [email-masked] and it will appear on the newsgroup.
Note, however, that posting this way is NOT anonymous.

It is generally accepted that some people have valid reasons for not posting
to soc.bi under their own name; for this reason, anonymous posting is allowed.
Perhaps the best way of posting anonymously, in the first instance, is to
e-mail the article you wish to post to one of the FAQ contributors (who are
listed at the end of this FAQ). They are all happy to send on your mail to
soc.bi, deleting any headers which would identify you if you wish. They would
also be happy to answer any questions on "netiquette" you may have before
sending out your first posting.

A longer-term solution, if you wish to post articles anonymously on a regular
basis, is to e-mail articles to the group via an anonymous posting service
such as the one at penet.fi; e-mail [email-masked] to find out more (no
Subject: line or body is needed). You will be allocated an anonymous "box
number" which people can reply to, and only this - none of your personal
details - will appear on the article in the newsgroup. For further information
in a broader context (and other anon servers) see the "Anonymity on the
Internet FAQ" postings in news.answers.

B9.	What do these terms mean: muffin, de-muffining, fluff, bidar?

muffin:	A person who reads but has never posted to soc.bi. De-muffining means
	posting to soc.bi for the first time, hence no longer being a muffin.

fluff:	In this context, fluff is a post (or part of a post) with no serious
	intellectual content, only friendly greetings. Actions surrounded by
	asterisks, eg *HUGS* are usually fluffy.

bidar:	the ability to spot bisexuals just by looking at people (from radar;
	gaydar is also used)

B10.	What do you mean by "monosexual"?

Monosexual is a term used to describe any person whose long-term sexual
orientation and history indicates an attraction to only one sex; a homosexual
or heterosexual, a Kinsey 6 or 0 (cf section A18), and those who identify as
monosexual.

You should be aware that many non-bisexual individuals who feel a strong
solidarity with the bisexual community object to a term which they feel
denegrates or reduces their own sexuality. On the other hand, others feel that
in a discussion where the focus is bisexuality, "monosexual" is useful as a
clinical term. Moreover, the concept of a commonality between exclusively
heterosexual and exclusively homosexual attraction, as opposed to bisexual
attractions, has been useful to some people in the process of coming to terms
with their bisexuality - and the word monosexuality embodies that concept.
As long as it is remembered that gays and lesbians do not fit into this same
coming-out-as-bi process, and that there should be no implied sense of
inferiority in the term monosexual, then the word can be considered useful.

The point to remember is that just as we, as bisexuals, do not want people to
talk down to us, we should not talk down to non-bisexuals. Everyone should be
allowed the dignity of owning their own identity and sexuality. Don't persist
in calling people by names which they find offensive. Don't offer sweeping
generalisations about homosexuals or heterosexuals; and don't base your pride
in who and what you are, on the fact that you're "NOT, thank God, someone or
something else".

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|                         SECTION C: ABOUT THE FAQ                           |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+

C1.	Frequency and purpose

This FAQ is posted monthly to news.answers/soc.answers, and bi-monthly to
soc.bi. It can also be obtained by e-mailing the FAQ moderator, Jon Harley
(cf sect C2). Suggestions for additions and improvements are always welcome.

The aim of this FAQ is not only to reduce traffic (and repetition) on soc.bi,
but also to help you get more out of the group. Feedback on how well it does
this is also welcome.

C2.	Contributors

These are the people who actually wrote the words used in the FAQ! Thanks are
due to the many others who also made suggestions. The people whose e-mail
addresses are given are happy to post articles to soc.bi anonymously if you
wish.

Alan Hamilton		<[email-masked]>
Albert Lunde		<[email-masked]>
Ciaran McHale		<[email-masked]>
Dave Berry		<[email-masked]>
Elf & Omaha Sternberg
Ellen Keyne Seebacher
Jon Harley		<[email-masked]>
John Flanagan
Roy S. Rapoport
STella			<[email-masked]>
Tim Pierce		<[email-masked]>
Tom Limoncelli		<[email-masked]>

+------------------------------------END-------------------------------------+

   ______________________  ______________________________________________ ____
  / -- Jonathan Harley -- /   Academic Computing Service, University    __\_ /
 / [email-masked] /   of Birmingham, Birmingham  B15 2TT, UK.    \  X/
/_______________________/ __Phone:021 414 6575______Fax:021 414 3952_____\/