From: MShernoff@aol.com
Date: Wed, 19 Feb 1997 14:26:36 -0500 (EST)
Subject: gay widowers


	Introduction to GAY WIDOWERS:
	Surviving the Death of A Partner
In Press, Harrington Park Press, Publication date, late 1998 =

Michael Shernoff
=0D
	 1997 Michael Shernoff
	Permission is granted to copy or reproduce this article either in full o=
r in part, without prior written authorization of the author on the sole =
condition that the author is credited and notified of reproduction
After my partner, Lee, died from his long battle with AIDS, I found that =
I was drawn to those other gay widowers, men, like myself, who had lost t=
heir beloved and were now casting around for some way to make sense of it=
, some way to figure out how to think of the future as something other th=
an eternal mourning. One man, Jon, whom I had only casually known at the =
gym, searched me out on the work-out floor to express his condolences, an=
d then we spent half an hour sharing our experiences of being gay widower=
s--his lover had died from Hepatitis a few years earlier. There was a gen=
tleness in our interactions from that time on, each encounter at the gym =
or on the street a surprisingly honest moment. I would marvel at how easy=
 it had become to describe how I was adjusting to life without Lee, shari=
ng my inner life, with an acquaintance. I was surprised by how hungry I w=
as for the comfort of this connection and others that similarly were forg=
ed in the aftermath of Lee's death. My family, my friends, my therapist a=
nd even Lee's family were not enough to hold me through the pain of losin=
g my lover, but those gay widowers who had walked the path before me were=
 my indispensable guides and wise teachers.
Jon was the first of what became an informal network of gay widowers who =
offered their stories and sympathy to me during that hard first year of b=
eing without Lee. As I fumbled through life as a middle-aged, grief-stric=
ken gay man, the gay widowers who made themselves available to me asked m=
e questions and shared practical advice to help me move on in a positive =
way, without blocking out what the years with Lee had meant to me. We tal=
ked about when it might feel right to remove the wedding band, when would=
 it be wise to start dating again, even having sex again, what kind of on=
going relationship, if any, was possible with Lee's family, legal questio=
ns about the estate and clearing out his closets.
After a decade of the AIDS epidemic and overwhelming, unspeakable losses =
in the gay community, I assumed there would be a whole literature about t=
he experience of being a gay widower--from etiquette to self-help. But th=
e only writings I found that spoke from the perspective of being a gay wi=
dower were sections in memoirs like Mark Doty's Heaven's Coast, some of t=
he Paul Monette's superb essays in Last Watch of the Night, and his power=
fully raging poems Love Alone: Eighteen Elegies For Rog. A well meaning b=
ut rather superficial book on Surviving the Loss of a Loved One to AIDS w=
as not geared specifically to the surviving partner. It was Monette who o=
nce again proved himself to be the contemporary gay bard, poignantly desc=
ribing how he had survived the process I was just beginning, and I was de=
eply moved, validated and also terrified. In addition I was eternally gra=
teful to him and his eloquence, vulnerability, and passion. I was despera=
te for information on what I needed to do to promote the healing I longed=
 for.
I was astounded to find there was not a specific book by or about the pro=
cess of gay men becoming widowers on the shelves.  Thinking that either I=
 had overlooked the book, or perhaps, with all the men in our community w=
hose partners had recently died, they were out of stock, but this was not=
 the case. There was no book for gay widowers. In fact there were few boo=
ks written directly for men of any sexual orientation about becoming a wi=
dower.  Most of the books were written by and for women who had outlived =
their husband or partner.  I determined that I would obtain a book that w=
ould speak to me as a man,  and a gay man who had lost his partner, one w=
ay or another, and so I now find myself editing this anthology, trying to=
 fill in a gap that I, myself, experienced first-hand. My hope is that th=
ose souls who find themselves facing the yawning gulf of their grief, and=
 wonder where to turn will be able to use this anthology of wise words fr=
om those who have walked the path before them, and will find useful infor=
mation and soothing reassurance in its pages.
Over the years, I had savored the edited collections compiled by John Pre=
ston.  I was particularly moved and touched by his anthologies Hometowns:=
 Gay Men Write About Where They Belong; A Member of The Family: Gay Men W=
rite About Their Families, and Friends and Lovers: Gay Men Write About Th=
e Families They Create.  Each provides a window into a variety of  differ=
ent aspects of gay mens' lives. They are not merely personal testimonies,=
 (even if they were, they would be invaluable records of lives lived), bu=
t each is in fact an exhilarating social history. Preston's gift to us an=
d to the writers in his books is that he provided vehicles for so many vo=
ices to be heard.  These works have insured that any gay person, but cert=
ainly young gay men, can find reflections of themselves in print, an inva=
luable contribution at a time when we are still lacking positive mirrorin=
g in the media. Gay Widowers is modeled on the anthologies Preston so lov=
ingly edited, and it is my belief that it is also a stunning social histo=
ry, documenting what it means to lose a partner and begin life anew as a =
gay man in the 1990s. In compiling these essays, I invited the contributo=
rs to write something that they themselves would have wanted to read when=
 they were in the midst of  adapting to their new condition as widowers, =
suggesting  they try to describe both the pain of this transition as well=
 as what was helpful to them.  I urged them to be as personal as possible=
, and regard the writing as both therapeutic and healing, as well as a gi=
ft they were offering to our community.  =

It's important for this book to transcend the AIDS epidemic. The epidemic=
 has defined our community for so long that many people forget that gay m=
en have always, and continue to die from causes other than AIDS. At the s=
ame time, the experience of men who have lost a partner to AIDS is very m=
uch part of this book, with a particular emphasis on how the surviving pa=
rtner can cope, and eventually thrive again in a vastly changed world. Ma=
ny of the essays describe surviving a partner's death from AIDS, but ther=
e are also stories by men whose partners died suddenly of natural causes =
and other illnesses. George Seabold begins the collection with a harrowin=
g tale of how mourning the death of his long time lover was complicated b=
y his not being publically identified as a gay man. This story that takes=
 place decades before the onset of AIDS is a window into a time in the no=
t so distant past that remains the reality even today for who knows how m=
any thousands of people who do not have the privilege or ability to publi=
cally declare themselves as gay people and avail themselves of a communit=
y and support. Eric Gutierrez's interview with Don Bachardy describes how=
 Bachardy transformed himself after the death of his partner of several d=
ecades, Christopher Isherwood died. In his interview with Eric Gutierrez,=
 Bacardy describes how he experienced a complete role reversal in the rel=
ationship that followed the one he cherished with Christopher. It is also=
 fitting that Paul Monette's partner, Winston Wilde, tells part of his st=
ory of recreating himself from Mrs. Paul Monette to Mr. Winston Wilde.  I=
n talking with Winston during the preparation of this book, he told me th=
at Paul had told him "Winnie, tell people our story, tell them how we lov=
ed each other in the midst of this plague." I believe that Paul would hav=
e been pleased to have the story of how the love he and Winston shared fu=
eled Winston's evolution following his death.  After all Paul was one of =
the best loved and most well respected authors of  "our tribe," as he so =
often referred to gay people in his writings.  There are essays by and ab=
out relationships with well known and prominent gay men as well as by and=
 about relationships with ordinary men, all of whom share the dubious dis=
tinction of having loved greatly and lost the person they adored.
This book contains a widely diverse cross section of our community.  Thus=
, men of different ages and  racial, ethnic, religious, geographic and ec=
onomic backgrounds are all included.  My hope is that if your lover is cu=
rrently dying, this book will provide you with some hope for a meaningful=
 life after he has gone, while beginning to prepare you for the realities=
 of just how difficult a transition awaits you.  If you are a recent or e=
ven a not-so-recent widower, I expect that you will find some of your exp=
eriences reflected in the stories, and discover an additional source of c=
omfort in recognizing some of what you are currently going through, or ha=
ve gone through.  If, by some chance, you are not gay and are reading thi=
s book, I sincerely hope that you will come to understand the universalit=
y of the human experience as told by the men who have shared their experi=
ences in the following pages.  If you are a member of one of the helping =
professions my hope is that the stories told in the following pages will =
help you in your work with all clients, but specifically gay men who are =
about to or who have already become widowers. I hope that you will find t=
his book to be a useful and friendly companion as you navigate these unch=
arted waters
=0D
Key Words: gay men, gay men, gay men, gay men, widowers, widowers, widowe=
rs, widowers,
grieving, grieving, grieving, grieving, bereavement, bereavement, bereave=
ment, bereavement
=0D
Michael Shernoff is a psychotherapist in private practice in Manhattan an=
d is adjunct faculty at Hunter College Graduate School of Social Work.  H=
e can be reached either via his home page http://members.aol.com/therapys=
vc or via e-mail at mshernoff@aol.com=


From: MShernoff@aol.com
Date: Mon, 24 Mar 1997 12:22:06 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Gay Widowers



Mental Health Issues  of Gay Widowers
Michael Shernoff, MSW
Conclusion to
Gay Widowers: Surviving the Death of a Partner
In Press, publication date late, 1998 by Harrington Park Press
 1997 Michael Shernoff
=0D
Permission is granted to copy or reproduce this article either in full or=
 in part, without prior written authorization of the author on the sole c=
ondition that the author is credited and notified of reproduction.
=0D

"And Thetis came to the ships and carried with her the gifts of Hephaisto=
s.
She found her beloved son lying in the arms of Patroclus crying shrill,
and his companions in their numbers about him mourned." The Illiad, book =
19.
=0D
The story of Achilles' grief and rage mourning the death of Patroclus in =
The Iliad is only one story that illustrates throughout the ages, as long=
 as men have loved other men they have buried their partners and struggle=
d with how to redefine their lives in the absence of their most beloved. =
As gay men and lesbians we have developed unique ways of living our lives=
, and similarly have  created uniquely relevant ways to mourn our dead an=
d to continue our lives after the loss of a partner. "Society offers litt=
le opportunity for the overt expression of grief and bereavement in gener=
al, and even less opportunity for gay men. Even as gay men grieve, they a=
re subject to homophobia" (Dane & Miller, 1992, p.157).
Despite generations of gay men burying their partners and becoming widowe=
rs  there are numerous questions that remain unanswered and need to be ex=
amined.  How long does one remain a widower?  What is entailed in develop=
ing an identity as a gay widower?  Is it even desirable or appropriate to=
 have a self definition that largely revolves around the death of one's m=
ost significant other?  How does a gay man go about adjusting in healthy =
and adaptive ways to the trauma of a partner's death? Does he still consi=
der himself a widower even after falling in love with someone new and mov=
ing into a new relationship?  How does where he is on the continuum of "c=
oming out" and developing a positive gay identity affect his grieving and=
 ultimately resolve his mourning? Is there in fact any resolution to the =
enormity of this kind of loss? =

The above are some of the issues and questions that are examined by the m=
en who so generously share their stories in the preceding pages, and I be=
lieve for all gay men who have survived the death of a partner. These, as=
 well as other concerns, form the basis of discussions I have had over th=
e past two years, with widowers both in social situations and those who c=
onsult me for psychotherapy, as well as with colleagues who counsel these=
 men.  I do not believe there are any hard and fast answers to these ques=
tions, but rather individual responses that evolve over the course of tim=
e.
An interesting phenomenon that occurred with every contributor to this bo=
ok is important to note.  In soliciting essays I was specific that I did =
not want stories about the deceased partner, about his dying or that was =
primarily focused on the relationship that the surviving partner had with=
 the deceased.  But in every case, the first draft of the essay was exact=
ly that, my own included.  How long ago the partner had died, and whether=
 or not the author was now in another satisfying relationship did not aff=
ect the fact that all the initial drafts focused on him, then and what ha=
ppened.  Obviously the writers were still traumatized by the experience a=
nd were able to recall it with a clarity and detail as if it were only ye=
sterday.  =

Each author also described being overwhelmed by the intensity of painful =
and sad feelings that reemerged as they wrote the essay, no matter how ma=
ny years ago their partner died.  A few even called to complain bitterly =
about how excruciating it was to write about this topic, and yet how impo=
rtant it felt to do so. Several talented authors had to withdraw from thi=
s project for precisely this reason.  The ones who persevered, each told =
me how cathartic it was for them to write the essay, tell his story and c=
onsciously struggle with putting the focus on himself.  Most likely all p=
eople who have buried a spouse remain intimately connected to the decease=
d and to that relationship long after their conscious mourning has ended.=
  Certainly gay men who survive the death of their partner are no differe=
nt. This is important to be aware of for anyone interested in what gay wi=
dowers go through on their journey towards healing, whether you yourself =
are a widower,  are about to lose your partner, or if you are a mental he=
alth professional who finds him or herself in the position of  working wi=
th gay men who are or are about to become widowers.
As Dane and Miller (1992) point out, "In the last decade an extensive lit=
erature has evolved about grief, but until very recently, little or no re=
cognition has been given to the grief of homosexual men who survive the d=
eath of a partner or friend. Recent theoretical and clinical attention to=
 AIDS and the special problems of homosexual partners of persons with AID=
S has resulted in renewed interest in the needs of survivors in relations=
hips that continue to lack social approval"(p.155). From my work with gay=
 widowers and from conversations with colleagues who also work with this =
population, it is clear that there is a need for research into the experi=
ences, needs and efficacy of  various forms of mental health intervention=
s in order to identify how best to help these men. There remains much for=
 mental health professionals to learn about clinical work with gay widowe=
rs that is alluded to and contained within the rich stories in this colle=
ction. =

For instance, there is hardly any mention of guilt by any of the authors =
in this book. Some might suggest that ending a relationship with someone =
who is dying would be fertile grounds for experiencing guilt. Townsend Pr=
ice-Spratlen and his partner had ostensibly broken up while his partner w=
as dying, and even so there is no indication in Spratlen's story that he =
is or should be wracked by guilt. His story is also an example of how som=
e gay men conceive of  their primary relationship differently than a hete=
rosexual marriage. Spratlen very candidly discusses how his grieving and =
creating a new life was complicated by the fact that he and his partner h=
ad redefined their relationship prior to his moving to a different city i=
n another part of the country.  Does this make his pain and loss any less=
 valid or intense than that of the men who were living with their partner=
s at the time that they died? =

  One understandable characteristic that seems fairly typical to burying =
one's partner/husband/lover is intense anger, whether it be at the unfair=
ness of life, at God, at the cause of death, at the deceased or just bein=
g in the unenviable position of having to pick up the pieces and rebuild =
a life.  When a partner dies, a man has no choice but to become a widower=
=2E How actively he accepts or rejects the identity of a widower will det=
ermine how he deals with all the anger and other difficult feelings inher=
ent in his moving through the grieving process. Craig Lucas' exquisite ho=
wling rage is complete and unapologetic in its fury. Ron Najman describes=
 how a skilled and empathetic therapist helped him to discover and clearl=
y realize how angry he had been with his partner prior to his death.  Rec=
ognizing that there are numerous good reasons to be angry, expressing and=
 integrating it are essential components of  adjusting adaptively to wido=
werhood. As elaborated upon later in this essay, gay widowers' anger is o=
nly fueled by homophobic reactions and insensitivity to their mourning.
Widowerhood as an Identity
Prior to AIDS few young or middle aged gay men knew any other gay men who=
 were widowers.  Like most people, they generally formed their impression=
s of who and what a widower was earlier in life. Perhaps it was an elderl=
y grandparent or other relative whose wife had died. In any case rarely w=
as it a young man in the prime of his life. Those first images of a widow=
er are usually not consistent with the man's self image. Thus, identifyin=
g as a gay widower is very likely complicated by the absence of visible r=
ole models who are similar to him.
  In many ways being a gay widower parallels the coming out process of ac=
cepting and embracing one's own homosexuality.  "Even in the most benign =
circumstances, coming to terms with being gay parallels aspects of a trau=
matized person's journey to reestablish the belief in a meaningful world"=
 (Schwartzberg, 1996, p.34). In her pioneering paper on Homosexual Identi=
ty Formation, Cass (1979) proposes a six stage model of development that =
all individuals move  through in order to acquire an identity of "homosex=
ual" fully integrated within the individual's overall concept of self.  S=
he discusses the distinction between private (personal) and public (socia=
l) aspects of identity, and how the development of private and public hom=
osexual identities are two separate but intimately related processes.  Th=
ese concepts seem to be equally true for a gay man struggling with his id=
entity as a widower. Cass's model is also relevant for gay widowers since=
 it is virtually impossible for gay widowers to separate being gay from b=
eing a widower.  Where the man is in terms of having developed a gay iden=
tity, will help determine how he copes with adapting to losing his partne=
r. Cass describes how the development of a stable homosexual identity (an=
d I would add a stable widower's identity) arises from the interaction be=
tween individuals and their environment, which supports points raised fur=
ther on in this article about the importance of social supports to the pr=
ocess of not becoming debilitated by becoming a widower.
Initially the new condition -- being sexually and romantically attracted =
to people of the same sex or being a grieving widower -- is not ego synto=
nic, which means the individual is not comfortable with and does not embr=
ace these experiences or identities. Thus both conditions must be adapted=
 to and grown into. If a boy or man who is just grappling with his recogn=
ition of same sex attractions is given the opportunity to meet other symp=
athetic and like minded people who he can identify with and who encourage=
 and normalize his feelings of attractions to other boys or men, he is gi=
ven many of the important and necessary supports to cope with the negativ=
e aspects of identifying as a member of a sexual minority. This enables h=
im to grow increasingly comfortable embracing his identity as gay and pro=
ceeding in the development of an integrated positive identity as a gay ma=
n.  Usually this can only occur when there are role models available for =
the person to identify with and a safe and welcoming community. This is e=
qually true for a gay man struggling with making sense out of life withou=
t his deceased partner.  The six stages that Cass describes as being nece=
ssary for the development of a positive gay identity are equally relevant=
 to the development of a positive and integrated identity as a gay widowe=
r. =

While I find that the stage model of development that Cass formulates is =
a useful conceptual framework, I do not adhere to a stage model of coping=
 as my experience has demonstrated that few people actually follow any pr=
edictable stages of facing grief or formulating a key component of their =
identity like being gay or becoming a widower.  While some people may in =
fact follow these expected patterns, many do not. Most men do not necessa=
rily proceed in their development in a linear fashion, but often the man =
is experiencing aspects of more than one stage simultaneously, and freque=
ntly moves back and forth between stages. What follows is a summary of th=
e stages and a synopsis of the salient characteristics that apply equally=
 to forming an identity as a gay man or as a gay widower. =

The first stage is labeled "identity confusion." It is predominated by an=
 immediate personal identity crisis of "who am I," during which time the =
man needs to manage a state of identity confusion and turmoil. Next comes=
 "identity comparison" during which he experiences feelings of alienation=
, differentness, and loss of old and familiar structures.  This is when h=
e begins to reduce his feelings of alienation by addressing and accepting=
 that this new condition (being gay or a widower) does make him different=
 from most of his peers, family members and society at large.  Factors su=
ch as geographical and social isolation may heighten the experience of al=
ienation.  The individual who feels "I'm the only one in the world like t=
his" will experience intense anguish at this stage. "Identity tolerance" =
follows and is when he begins to recognize and accept the social, sexual =
and emotional needs that accompany his new state of being. Often he begin=
s to seek out others like himself in order to reduce the social and emoti=
onal isolation that is a hallmark of this period. =

 If  there have been no additional traumatic stressors the man moves into=
 a phase known as "identity acceptance" during which time he continues to=
 increase his contact with other men who are like himself, facilitating a=
cceptance rather than just mere tolerance of his self image as either gay=
 or a widower.  This is when he begins to feel a sense of legitimatizatio=
n and grows increasingly comfortable accepting the support he receives th=
at validates and normalizes what he is experiencing.  As the man continue=
s to integrate his new identity, he will next experience "identity pride.=
" This is when he is hyper aware of dividing the world into those who are=
 like him (gay or a widower),  and those who are different from him in th=
at they have not shared his experiences. There is a deepening of his iden=
tification with and pride in being a member of a minority community.  Thi=
s is one period during which anger frequently is expressed as the person =
discards earlier efforts to conceal who he is or what he has gone through=
=2E  The final stage is "identity synthesis" when he no longer needs to d=
ivide the world into "me and them." This is when he realizes that not all=
 people who have experienced what he has gone through will have reacted i=
n ways similar to his own.  At this time he integrates his identity as ei=
ther homosexual or a widower into all other aspects of himself, and the n=
ew identity is given the status of being merely one aspect of his self.  =

The process of acquiring a gay identity inherently includes the loss of h=
eterosexual identity and the resulting privileges of heterosexuality. As =
Schwartzberg (1996) describes,  "accepting being gay is a process of sift=
ing through various ingrained cultural beliefs to determine what remains =
valuable and what must be discarded because it no longer fits. When succe=
ssful, this struggle transforms feelings of shame, stigma and self-blame =
into a greater sense of pride and self- worth"(p.35). An integral compone=
nt of developing a positive gay identity includes acknowledging and initi=
ally mourning the reality of the losses prior to gaining the ability to d=
iscover any of the benefits to be derived from embracing the new gay iden=
tity.  Similarly the gay widower has also lost something very valuable an=
d intrinsic to his identity, his partner who must be mourned in order to =
move on with his life. Formerly, a central part of the widower's  identit=
y was largely bound up with an external reality, his relationship with hi=
s partner who is no longer physically present. The struggle the surviving=
 partner must now face is how to internalize what used to be his most sig=
nificant external relationship through which he defined himself and to wh=
om he still relates alone internally. This phenomenon accounts for some o=
f the distress that Winston Wilde, John Longres, Ron Najman and I describ=
e in our essays.
Feeling alone and isolated rarely allows an individual to develop a healt=
hy self image about being gay.  Similarly gay widowers need the support o=
f others who have been through the process and who are further along in t=
heir journey of recovery from the devastating loss in order to have hope =
that the future can in fact be better than the excruciating present.  Wit=
hout this support their trauma is only compounded. In addition they need =
to have their extended mourning process and resulting social awkwardness =
accepted by friends and family members who may find themselves uncomforta=
ble with the emotional state that the widower experiences for months and =
sometimes years following the death of his partner. For some men thinking=
 of themselves as a widower is a transient identity that ends once they f=
eel that their period of acute mourning is over, or they have entered int=
o a new romantic relationship. For other men, being a widower becomes int=
egrated into the totality of their personhood which is the firmest exampl=
e that they have entered the "identity synthesis" stage that Cass describ=
es as the final stage of positive identity formation.
Homophobia and Gay Widows
One dynamic that is unique to the surviving partner of a same sex relatio=
nship is that his or her relationship is not universally recognized, vali=
dated and valued. "The heterosexual widow or widower who loses a mate rec=
eives a tacit level of social support and condolence. Gay men who have be=
en widowed may be more apt to encounter scorn, ostracism, fear or blame" =
(Schwartzberg, 1996, p.36). Thus many gay widowers' mourning is complicat=
ed by the fact that theirs is a "disenfranchised grief." Doka (1989) expl=
ains the concept of disenfranchised grief which occurs when (a) the relat=
ionship is not recognized, (b) the loss is not recognized, and   the grie=
ver is not recognized.  These are ordinary experiences for many gay men m=
ourning a friend, lover or community.  As Dworkin and Kaufer (1995) corre=
ctly note, "all of these factors must be taken into account in redefining=
 the process of grieving and identifying the coping mechanisms and interv=
entions appropriate for responding to the needs of today's gay men"(p.43)=
=2E =

 A gay widower experiences disenfranchised grief when he encounters unsym=
pathetic or homophobic responses to his loss.  One reaction to encounteri=
ng an experience that results in disenfranchised grief is a need to defen=
d the relationship he had with the deceased and attempt to prove the rela=
tionship's validity to this other unsympathetic individual, whoever he or=
 she might be.  There are two direct consequences to this kind of a react=
ion.   First it distracts the widower from his grieving due to his indivi=
dualized reactions to the shocking reality of the absence of external val=
idation of his relationship and support for what he is the midst of exper=
iencing both socially and emotionally in the aftermath of his partner's d=
eath. Second it delays his moving through his grief.  Experiencing disenf=
ranchised grief provides the widower with an incentive to keep his relati=
onship with the deceased active as one way of assuring its reality and ce=
ntrality to his life as a defense from having the relationship negated.
Siegal and Hoefer (1981) highlight problems such as hostility from famili=
es and exclusion from the planning of funeral arrangements, or even from =
the service itself which are all unique stressors that a gay man may be f=
orced to face immediately after the death of his partner. Even a gay man =
who is completely open in all areas of his life about being gay may exper=
ience homophobic reactions following the death of his partner. For exampl=
e it is not unusual for a gay man to be denied the same bereavement leave=
 from his place of business that any heterosexually married individual no=
rmally receives.  In addition, the surviving partner may not receive cond=
olences from family or workers who do not view a gay relationship as the =
equivalent of a marriage. =

The Cass model of gay identity formation is one useful way to conceptuali=
ze the various phases that gay widowers go through following the death of=
 their partner. It is also an important window through which to understan=
d what happens when the trauma of losing one's partner reawakens previous=
ly resolved internalized homophobic feelings about being gay.  The absenc=
e of normal supportive and compassionate responses from family, friends a=
nd coworkers can trigger shame in some gay widowers. If the man is unable=
 to recognize that his shame reaction is a denial of the validity of his =
own angry and hurt feelings, he is often taken back to a less developed s=
tage of gay identity formation by denying the enormity of his loss and wh=
at the deceased meant to him. =

"With their experience of repeated loss, gay survivors often have to stru=
ggle against being identified as blameworthy" (Dane & Miller, 1992, p.158=
). For gay widowers who have grown up in very conservative or fundamental=
ist religious families, the absence of family support and nurturance duri=
ng the period of acute grief often has the potential to trigger feelings =
of internalized homophobia that may have been quiescent for years.  One w=
ay this plays out is in feeling somehow that they did something to deserv=
e the pain they are in the midst of experiencing. Another way blame is in=
ternalized and becomes merged with homophobia is in thinking  if  "I were=
 not gay perhaps then I would not be feeling this way." It is obviously t=
rue that if the man were not gay he would not have fallen in love with th=
e other man who died and who he is now mourning.  The problem in this lin=
e of thinking is that it merges being gay with the pain.  which is an ind=
ication of the old internalized homophobia, rather than the pain is an ap=
propriate response to having loved and lost the beloved. If a survivor is=
 HIV positive, and his partner died from AIDS, the concept of being "blam=
eworthy" can complicate his bereavement as he struggles with "Why am I st=
ill alive while my spouse died from this disease?"
AIDS and Bereavement
Obviously gay men have endured widowerhood long before AIDS. But the curr=
ent health crisis has brought an urgency and focus to the issue of gay me=
n surviving the death of a partner due to "the increasing number of death=
s by AIDS among gay men that has resulted in an increasing number of surv=
ivors who confront the effects of grief and bereavement"(Dane & Miller, 1=
992, pp.155-156). As Dworkin & Kaufer (1995) note "The bereavement proces=
s experienced by gays and lesbians who experience losses due to HIV/AIDS =
must be understood as a chronic state of mourning. The implications of ov=
erlapping losses where the onset of mourning for one loss overlaps with t=
he end stage of mourning for another loss are significant. Complicating t=
his chronic state are post traumatic stress, loss saturation, unresolved =
grief, survivor guilt, and fear of infection with HIV"(p.42). Dean et al(=
1988) stress that not only are gay men losing those with whom they have s=
hared strong emotional ties, but they are also losing acquaintances, role=
 models and co-workers at a very fast rate. Thus individual clinicians ha=
ve to be prepared to assume a role of support and bearing witness that tr=
anscends traditional psychotherapy or counseling.  The experience of many=
 urban gay men is similar to that of  a survivor of a major catastrophe, =
and must be addressed with this understanding and within this context. =

Trauma Theory and Gay Widowers
Gabriel (1996) states that "PWAs are emerging as the newest group of pers=
ons experiencing psychological trauma"(p.6).  While in agreement with thi=
s statement I would only add that  surviving partners almost all demonstr=
ate symptoms of emotional and psychological trauma during the demise of a=
nd following the death of their partner. Gabriel cites Bonnie Green (1990=
) as listing exposure to the grotesque, violent/sudden loss of a loved on=
e and learning of exposure to a noxious agent causing death or severe har=
m to another as two events that are considered trauma-inducing. As Gabrie=
l (1996) notes "AIDS survivors can quickly attest to the presence of thes=
e elements in varying degrees of intensity in their everyday lives"(p.6).=
 Given the nature and dimensions of traumatic stress, having a partner di=
e of any cause constitutes a traumatic event, and needs to be clinically =
addressed within this context by mental health professionals working with=
 a gay widower.
Gabriel (1996) summarizes the research on trauma survivors which suggests=
  survivors of trauma exhibit a cluster of uniform responses. A common de=
nominator of all psychological trauma according to Herman (1992) is "a fe=
eling of intense fear, helplessness, loss of control and threat of annihi=
lation"(p.33). Most of the widowers I have known both socially and profes=
sionally have exhibited many of these reactions, and thus surviving the d=
eath of a partner needs to be recognized diagnostically as the trauma it =
is, and responded to clinically with appropriate interventions. Among the=
 signs of turmoil Gabriel (1996) lists that surviving partners may exhibi=
t are distressing emotional reactions such as anxiety, dread, horror, fea=
r, rage, shame sadness and depression; intrusive imagery of dying; nightm=
ares; flashbacks of images of the stressor; numbing or avoidance of a sit=
uation associated with the images; somatic complaints including sleep dif=
ficulties; substance abuse; impaired social functioning; interpersonal di=
fficulties; sexual dysfunction, hyper sexuality and difficulty sustaining=
 intimate relationships.
 My clinical and social experience confirms that most gay widowers experi=
ence some combination of these symptoms, thus supporting the concept that=
 they are trauma survivors. "The inability to escape mental reminders of =
a trauma is one of the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).=
  At times the survivors are bombarded with 'intrusive thoughts' --painfu=
l fragments of the trauma that intrude, unwanted into regular consciousne=
ss" (Schwartzberg, 1996, p.116). With the previous explanation, Schwartzb=
erg provides the conceptual framework for understanding the difficulty so=
 many of the authors had in working on their essays for this book. Citing=
 Horowitz, (1976), Schwartzberg notes that traumatized individuals often =
experience a "cycle of intrusion and denial"(p.116) in their continuing e=
fforts to recover from trauma. As I mentioned at the beginning of this es=
say, each of the men who contributed to this book maintains a vivid and i=
ntense memory of the final illness, death and time immediately following =
the death of his partner, even now many years later.  Experiencing vivid =
recall of a traumatic event is one classic symptom seen in most trauma su=
rvivors.  The Importance of Community Supports
Dworkin and Kaufer (1995) suggest that bereavement interventions also nee=
d to respond to developmental issues, existential themes, multiple and ch=
ronic primary and secondary losses, and the collective nature of grieving=
=2E  They must be gay affirmative in addressing lowered self-esteem, pers=
onal identity and questions about body image, and need to address the ree=
stablishment of meaning in one's  life. Many authors cited by Dworkin and=
 Kaufer (1995) emphasize that social support is the key to coping with an=
y loss, especially multiple loss.  Yet with many entire friendship networ=
ks being wiped out by AIDS, the therapist, group leader and grief support=
 group members all are challenged to assume a role and significance that =
may be a combination of counselor, friend, significant other and just fel=
low human being.  For the surviving partner, weekly therapy or group sess=
ions may be the only remaining ongoing regular contact with any individua=
l with whom he has a history. =

Figley (1986) has found that an inadequate support system can contribute =
to the development of a traumatic stress reaction. This absence of unders=
tanding and support only increases the pain and anger surrounding a widow=
er's  loss, and has the potential to exacerbate whatever symptoms of psyc=
hological trauma the surviving partner may already be experiencing as Geo=
rge Seabold's story poignantly illustrates.  All mental health profession=
als doing individual or group counseling must be aware of these additiona=
l issues which have an impact upon a gay man's grieving process, and find=
 ways to elicit feelings of anger and shame that may surface in the absen=
ce of appropriate support, reframe these experiences and actively console=
 the grieving partner. =

Seabold's descent into active alcoholism following the death of his partn=
er is but one clear example of the cost of grieving in isolation without =
any of the needed social and emotional supports during this difficult tra=
nsitional time.  John Longres, Ron Najman and Don Bachardy all describe t=
he innumerable benefits derived from supportive friends and families.  Wi=
th George Seabold's story as an example, it is important to note that men=
 who are currently in recovery from alcoholism and/or drug addiction are =
at higher risk of relapsing into use of alcohol and/or drugs following th=
e death of their partner.  Men in recovery need to be encouraged to go to=
 meetings, actively work their program and strengthen their connections t=
o other people in the program during this particularly stressful period i=
n their lives. =

Depression, Normal and Pathological Grief
Any grieving individual is at heightened risk for lapsing into a serious =
depression if his expressions of grief and rage are not supported and fac=
ilitated by friends and empathic professionals. If the man has a history =
of depression prior to the death of his partner and is not currently on a=
nti-depressant medication it is useful for both the widower and the thera=
pist to be on the look out for any indications that a clinical depression=
 may be setting in. At the first indications of the onset of clinical dep=
ression the man should be referred to a psychopharmacologist (who is a ps=
ychiatrist who specializes in prescribing psychotropic drugs) for a medic=
ation evaluation.  A pathological level of depressive reaction to the dea=
th of a partner must be differentiated from the understandable profound s=
adness and unhappiness that is a natural reaction to the loss. Symptoms o=
f a pathological grief reaction or depression precipitated by the death o=
f a partner are: isolating one's self from loving and supportive people; =
not returning phone calls, e-mail or answering the door when someone come=
s to visit; hopelessness that life ever will  again be better than it now=
 is; remaining in bed; not going to work; a preoccupation with wanting to=
 join the deceased; a sense of the meaninglessness of life without the de=
ceased; and thoughts of wanting to die now that the lover is gone.  Many =
of the above symptoms are normal components of a healthy grieving process=
 but only if they are transitory and not indications of the individual be=
coming incapacitated or obsessed with thoughts about the dead partner.
Gay widowers often suffer from depression that is combined with and exace=
rbated by a sense that their lives have lost its meaning. Schwartzberg (1=
996) states that depression and meaninglessness often go hand in hand. "P=
eople who are depressed find little meaning in life, and one can lead to =
the other"(p.118). He goes on to differentiate between depression and mea=
ninglessness by stating that depression has specific symptoms (which can =
often be treated). "Meaninglessness is broader--both more encompassing an=
d more diffuse. Depression has at its heart an acute sense of loss; meani=
nglessness speaks more to emptiness, purposelessness, and disillusionment=
=2E An underlying question of severe depression is 'How can I live in suc=
h pain?' With severe meaninglessness, the question instead is, 'Why bothe=
r living, what's the point?'" (Schwartzberg, 1996, p.118). Clearly widowe=
rs suffer from a crisis of meaning in their lives following the death of =
their partner, and one of the indications that they are recovering from t=
he trauma of their loss is when the surviving partner begins to rediscove=
r and recreate meaning in his profoundly changed life.
Moving On
Most of what I have learned during my journey from a newly bereaved man t=
o where I am now, further along, is that there is no one, correct path.  =
The death of a partner is often the reason why people begin psychotherapy=
 or counseling, as both Winston Wilde and Ron Najman discuss in their ess=
ays.  But it is important to remember that traditional psychotherapy is b=
y no means the only useful or appropriate way that professionals can be o=
f assistance during this period following the death of a partner. Referri=
ng gay widowers to a gay specific bereavement group is often one helpful =
intervention in assisting the surviving partner to work through his grief=
=2E Yet as John Longres discovered a bereavement group may not be of help=
 if the match between the leader's style and the needs of the widower are=
 not congruent.
 Many men find that their need to continue to talk about their evolution =
and pain is more than their friends can tolerate.  Even loving and sympat=
hetic friends may not be enough to help a man through this process. If th=
is is the case, this is usually a good time for the widower to think abou=
t talking with a professional skilled in working with gay men who have lo=
st a partner. Widowers frequently arrive in my office with very intact fr=
iendship groups and supportive families, but say "I'm afraid that I'm wea=
ring my friends out and that they simply don't want to hear me go on abou=
t my grieving any more."  In many cases these men are correct. Grieving a=
nd reconstructing a life is by no means on any predetermined time table o=
r schedule, and as previously mentioned may continue for years.  =

Gabriel (1996) reports that studies of survivor groups (Danieli, 1985; Li=
ndy, 1988; Herman, 1992) suggest that the response of the larger communit=
y, outside of the kinship group, is also a source of an important connect=
ion for those surviving a traumatic experience. When the surviving partne=
r is a member of a sexual minority which is denied visibility, his trauma=
 is only exacerbated, which is why it is crucial that there be supportive=
 structures in place for gay widowers within the gay and lesbian communit=
y. Herman (1992) has found that such a community response in the face of =
a traumatic event has the potential to be of enormous assistance in helpi=
ng repair the injury inflicted by the traumatic event. =

Many cities now have bereavement programs geared specifically for gay men=
 who have lost a loved one to AIDS run by one of the lesbian or gay socia=
l service agencies or AIDS bereavement groups conducted by hospitals in h=
ard hit communities. Yet gay specific bereavement groups also need to be =
developed for individuals whose partners have died from a cause other tha=
n AIDS. One of the prime tasks of the counselor, therapist or group membe=
rs is to bear witness and hear the stories of the survivor while at the s=
ame time offering faith and hope for a future that is less filled with pa=
in.
Conclusion
Invariably, each widower ponders am I doing this correctly? As the storie=
s in this book reveal, there is no right or wrong way to go about the pro=
cess of moving on after the death of a partner. Perhaps the only incorrec=
t thing to do is to try to avoid the painful feelings that must be experi=
enced in order to come out the other side. In our society there are power=
ful cultural myths, usually unspoken, about how to mourn "correctly." "Th=
ese myths touch on many aspects of grieving--how long to mourn, what to f=
eel, what not to feel, how to behave, how not to behave, when to show cer=
tain responses, with whom to share your feelings, and so on. Mourners fac=
e many implicit directives about how to conduct their grief" (Schwartzber=
g, 1996, p.167).  =

Schwartzberg (1996) also notes that the myths pertaining to how to grieve=
 correctly are not always true.  Wortman & Silver, (1989) suggest that ma=
ny of our most basic, unquestioned assumptions about how people cope with=
 loss may not match people's actual experience. Among the assumptions tha=
t they question are: 1)Is depression an inevitable consequence of loss?; =
2) Does the absence of depression indicate a pathological response? and 3=
) Do all significant losses need to be "worked through" in order to be he=
aled? Although I agree with their overall premise, I do not agree that no=
t all significant losses need to be worked through in order to be healed.=
  What is open to examination is what constitutes "working through." I be=
lieve that there are an infinite variety of forms that the working throug=
h may take, none being better or worse, if they are adaptive to the indiv=
idual's healing.  But both my clinical and personal experience demonstrat=
e the necessity of resolving or making accommodations to a traumatic life=
 event, in order to not be continuously crippled by it.   =

Schwartzberg (1996) explains that in western culture many people follow a=
 similar path in grieving a major loss.  The individual responds with dep=
ression and pain for a discrete period that can last upwards to a couple =
of years, and then gradually returns to his previous level of functioning=
=2E   He notes that a sizable minority do not follow this path.  I believ=
e that the stories in this book are examples of a variety of individualiz=
ed reactions to the death of one's partner which supports Schwartzberg's =
contention about the multiplicity of ways that people may grieve. =

Schwartzberg also states that some people have a very prolonged reaction,=
 like that described by George Seabold and Phill Wilson in their chapters=
=2E Other people have a very abbreviated grief reaction, regaining full m=
omentum of their lives quickly. He cautions that to react differently fro=
m the cultural norm, by grieving too long, for example, or too little, ne=
edn't mean that a response is unhealthy.   "People vary greatly in how th=
ey respond to a significant life upheaval; the absence of  turmoil may si=
mply reflect another style of 'normal' response," (Schwartzberg, 1996, p.=
168).  =

"For most bereaved people, to keep going after the painful life changes c=
aused by death is the most difficult task of all.  When a lover dies, the=
 loss plunges the bereaved person into a world where many of his known an=
d habitual structures of daily life disappear into a world more full of c=
onfusion, disorganization and anxiety than it was prior to the death of h=
is partner.  A new order has to be constructed" (Dane & Miller, 1992, p.1=
71). The men whose stories are told in this book each provide a sterling =
example of hope and triumph in their ability to surmount the pain and tra=
uma of the loss of their partner and continue on with their lives in new =
and meaningful ways. Surviving the death of a partner is a potentially de=
vastating emotional experience. "Yet some people emerge from their grievi=
ng process with unexpected gains. By weathering emotional tribulations th=
ey had thought unendurable, they have a deeper, surer sense of their stre=
ngth. By facing despair, and not succumbing, they know their inner capaci=
ties in a more complete way.  These gains do not in any way diminish the =
fact of the loss. But yes they are benefits. Dearly purchased, hard earne=
d benefits" (Schwartzberg, 1996, p.82). =

Ultimately widowerhood is a period simultaneously of crisis and of resolu=
tion. It is a time of transition and reflection on both the past as well =
as the future, and a time for sowing the seeds for new beginnings. Often =
it is full of new,  exhausting, and potentially thrilling challenges. It =
can be a period for rediscovering and possibly reinventing ones self or a=
t least certain facets of one's life. Listening to widowers describe thei=
r journeys, and as I reflect on my own path since Lee's death, I am often=
 reminded of the myth of the Phoenix which is reborn out of it's own ashe=
s. As the stories in this book demonstrate, survival, experimenting first=
 with a different sense of oneself as a person now alone and then with co=
untless possibilities, new relationships, and innovative directions in li=
fe, all have the possibility of creating something fresh  and unforseen t=
hat can emerge out of the ashes of the death of a beloved partner.  =

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Michael Shernoff, MSW is a psychotherapist in private practice in Manhatt=
an and is adjunct faculty at Hunter college Graduate School of Social Wor=
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rapysvc or via e mail at mshernoff@aol.com=

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