Date: Fri, 25 Aug 1995 12:32:41 -0700 (PDT) From: Joe Mortz Subject: Living With HIV in Santa Barbara Living with HIV in Santa Barbara August, 1995 by Joe Mortz a guy living with AIDS Attitude! I have plenty of that. More attitude than HIV. AIDS suck!!!!!! HIV suck!!!!!!! The hammers of anticipated shit, the looks of them caring folk, the stupid comments "ohh you look so good ... " the shit of it all sucks. Having to go to the doctor, get pocked and looked at.... waste a good day for a pill or to make another appointment to do it all over again .... sucks. The service hours are posted for times when no one is in and the answering service might be on. That's fun? ... I'd like a good head-job, but got the plague so they run away, or worse, lay back trembling dead ... that sucks lousy! I've got a good mind, but not the energy for a paying job, so I am told how fortunate I am to do boring volunteer tasks. That is convenient, for someone. ... My mind is diminishing so I ask some "helpers" for reality ... like the time of day, date -- ya know, the hard stuff. Then the humor starts or that cute joke. Not my humor or my joke! That crap doesn't even come up to the lowest level of shit. Attitude! I haven't even started. I go all that way out of my way to help some sick person get their meal and all they want to do is whine. Fire is in my soul. I keep my appointment at their door and they're already at the appointment. oh man -- think I'll be back....? We work a week to stock the food supplies and their isn't enough of the right stuff. Then when all is confusion is rushing to chaos, they have to have their piece of my free time NOW! Oh please let me thank you for the privilege of your presence. I wait a week to have a nice night-cap with a friend and you're loaded daily from sun rise to sun rise. Hold your breath a lot longer.....friend? They complain about having AIDS but I have to keep my life going after burying my friends day in, day out; year in and year out. The dead seem blessed. Then there can be attitude for the "mommy dearest" who serve the community through our citizen led government services. Eh GAgs. Let's have tons of government commission meetings where we'll give the people 3 minutes to speak in proper format. Lets' spend the Spring time gathering important meetings to raise desperately needed funds for our selves (oh, our services) so we can take vacations through the Summer when we're supposed to be spending the money on services. Let's plan to ask the consumer's for their opinion, but, don't do it -- at least not until our funding is on the line. Oh I am soooo appreciative. Then my last piece of attitude for the night. I watched a tree grow, played ball with a neighbor kid, did a few hours of video which thrills me, fed a homeless stranger, met with some friends and neighbors who care about me and who really don't care about my HIV or my widowhood or any of that. Feels good to have a roof over my head. (C) copyright, 1995 by Joe Mortz. permission to reprint is granted with citing the author and please notify me at PO Box 91942, Santa Barbara, CA 93190-1942 ***(805)564-0824