From: Robert Dailey <[email-masked]>

A friend in LA sent the following article to me.  I was quite
moved by it, seeing much of my own story therein.  Perhaps
you will also find it meaningful.  Sorry, I don't have the 
exact date of publication.

Bob Dailey

"Rejection Is the Servant of AIDS"

by Rayford Kytle

L.A. Times, January 1994

I want to tell everybody who has young people in their lives --
parents, aunts and uncles, neighbors or just members of the
community -- that some of these young people are gay, and some
are struggling, alone, to come to terms with their sexual
orientation.  I want everybody to know that they can help to
create a climate of tolerance, acceptance, love and support
for these kids, so that they care enough about themselves,
to want to stay healthy and live fulfilling, responsible lives.

I want to tell what it was like for me growing up, coming to
terms with being gay, and how HIV entered and influenced my life.
I think the difficulties I had in developing a positive self-
concept are still problems for many young gay people.  And I
think it is these problems that cause many young gay men to
behave in ways that put them at high risk for becoming infected
with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS.

Ever since early childhood I knew there was something different
about me, but it had never been clear to me how I was different.

About the age of 15, in 1962, when I was in 10th grade, I began
to be aware that I was sexually attracted to other males.  No
one "recruited" me, no one abused me.  These feelings came from 
deep inside me.

I come from a good family, went to good schools and lived in 
good neighborhoods.  I was popular in school, made good grades
and was active in the church.  I wanted to become a Presbyterian
minister.

In spite of all these advantages and connections, as I began
to be aware of my sexual orientation, I was completely alone.
I had no role models, no positive images of gay men, no social
support as a gay male, no one to turn to.  I couldn't tell my
family -- it was just too horrible, too unacceptable, unspeakable.
I couldn't tell my friends -- the worst thing you could possibly
be was queer.  I couldn't tell my teachers or my pastor.  The
only plce I saw to turn to was medicine.  I read in a church
guidance counselor's office that homosexuality could be cured,
like a disease.

I spent the next 12 years in and out of therapy, trying to erase,
to hide this important part of myself from others and, most
of all, from myself.

The climate of prejudice and ignorance about gay people that I 
grew up in interferred with my life and slowed my development
as a self-respecting, responsible, contributing member of
society.  It caused me to grow up doubting myself, feeling
ashamed and frightened of my deepest feelings.  How was I to 
find my calling in life -- my career, work to give my heart
and soul to, a direction for my life -- how was I to find
what really mattered to me when there was such a deep and
significant part of me that I was trying to ignore, to deny,
to hide, to kill?

Accepting my sexual orientation at the age of 27 was a great
awakening, like being born -- finally accepting my feelings,
my self, turning a light on inside and no longer running away
from what I saw there.  It took many more years for me to
overcome the self-hatred and self-doubt I had learned and
to develop a healthy sense of who I was and what I wanted to
do with my life.

During those early years of my gay life, sex was for me a means
of validation, of endorsement.  I needed frequent assurance
that people liked me and valued me, because I had so little
self-respect.  It took me a long time to understand my
insecurity, to overcome it and to establish a committed
monogamous relationship based on mutual understanding, respect
and affection.

But by that time, I had become infected with HIV.

I hope that by talking and writing about my experience with HIV,
I can help young gay people learn the things that took me so
long to learn; I want them to learn these things earlier than 
I did -- in time to protect them from HIV.  I don't want them 
to waste their time and energy hiding from themselves; I want them
to come to terms with their lives earlier than I did, to develop
a healthy sense of self-respect and a sense of responsibility
to themselves and to the community.  I want them to find work
that they are passionate about, that they are able to respond to 
with all their resources.

Our youth need positive images -- images of gay people who are
in committed relationships, who are responsible members of the
community, images that promote healthy and responsible choices
by gay youth.  The period when they are beginning to become
aware of their sexual orientation is when they are most vulnerable,
most in danger of falling prey to the climate of intolerance
toward gay people, most in danger of becoming isolated, most in
danger of developing low self-esteem, which leads to self-destructive
behaviors -- alcohol and drug abuse and suicide.  And to unsafe sex,
which puts them at risk for all sexually transmitted diseases and
particularly HIV.

We need to tell all our young people, gay or not, that they should
wait to have sex until they really know who they are and have a
healthy sense of self-respect, to wait until they are ready to 
commit to someone they really know, care about and respect --
someone who really knows them, respects and cares about them.

If you have created a negative attitude toward homosexuality as
a parent, relative, friend, teacher, pastor or neighbor, it may
be too late to change that by the time you find out that your
child is gay or lesbian.  By then you may have done that child
great harm.  We must let children know at an early age that their
sexuality is a beautiful part of their lives and that it is to be
valued and protected and respected.  We must let them know that
if they turn out to be gay or lesbian, they will still have our
love and respect and we will still be there for them, and that
we want them to feel a part of the family and the community.
I think the way we do this is to let young people know by our
behavior and our attitudes that there are gays and lesbians
who are respectable members of the community.  We have to show 
young people by our behavior toward gays and lesbians in general
that whether a person is good or bad, responsible or irresponsible
does not depend on his or her sexual orientation any more than
it does on his or her race, religion or gender.

				###

Rayford Kytle is deputy director of the news office of the U.S.
Public Health Service.  This is adapted from a speech he gave
last month to USPHS employees.